Divorcing a narcissist...do you cut your losses and let them walk away with money or fight them so they get less???

[Divorcinganarcissist]

Oh I don’t know what to do.

I’m trying to divorce my husband. He is full stop non negotiable. His motto is I’ll take us both down, as long as I don’t win then he is happy. So therefore he won’t agree to any settlement that makes me look like I’ve won something. Can’t get through to his humanity as he has none. He doesn’t see the kids, cant negotiate what’s best for them as he doesn’t care.

Do I just accept a shit settlement to save the stress or carry on with court and potentially waste a lot of money but at least he won’t get it!!!!

Sorry my maths didn’t stack up there but you get my drift !

Well he won’t agree to anything so can’t see of a way forward outside of court.

Sometimes though when you won't back down they seem to realise that and my ex at that point would then twist the history as if whatever It was so that it all
Became his idea.

They just can't handle it not going their way.

If you are keeping main custody of the kids (whihc is usually the case and doubly so if he has substance abuse issues), then he will certainly not be walking away with half. Pay for a lawyer even if you have to borrow the money, and as for him only paying two years CM, where does he get that idea from -he will be pursued for it by the law, and get a CCJ if he doesn't pay.

I agree - it’s worth the risk of “wasting” (investing) money in the courts with a chance of conserving some for your DCs - rather than 100% letting him have it to piss it all away or shove it up his nose.

I’ve just been presently surprised by my mortgage raising capability so I can afford to take it on solely, didn’t expect that

Good for you and your DCs that you can afford to buy his “share” out of the house so that you DCs get consistency. That’s why you fight for every penny.

I’m terrified that I might fail and I have no one to fall back on. But then I might not fail, can’t be any worse then all those years with him.

Financial settlements go through court and judges won't allow either party to be massively financially disadvantaged so push on now you have started

and make sure you apply for costs

I worry because he has made himself appear like he has nothing by spending everything so now he will look disadvantaged and require money, even thought he could have saved a lot by now. I hate the idea of having to pay him out when he could be £40,000 or so better off.

.....im sure there is a way it can be proven he has deliberately disadvantaged himself

@slipperywhensparticus They did in ny case! I'm still in rented seven years on with zero chance of getting on the property ladder. Two kids half of the time (also court enforced). He remains in the five-bed exec former marital home with four cars on the drive.

Narcissitic accountants make very dangerous ex-husbands

Excuse the typos - sleep deprived!!

Try and settle as much as possible up front.

Chances of him paying child maintenance without an ongoing struggle are slim, especially if he has drugs and alcohol abuse.

I’m hoping to keep the family home, it’s what I’ll fight for. A roof over our heads I feel is the best plan. He has told me he will pay CM for 2 years (not that he has a choice) but I wouldn’t put it past him to come up with a plan to stop. I have it on email so I need to secure housing because I doubt he will continue.

Mine had a court order to pay spousal and child maintenance. Became tens of thousands of pounds in debt, no point in chasing as there was no money left, would have meant more money spent on legal - good money after bad. CSA aren't effective, take a look on Wikivorce forum and Gingerbread campaign with Mumsnet.

Exactly and as I have an email saying he will only pay for 2 years and I really need CM I will make sure that this is taken into effect upfront.

It’s sad how they can purposely change from someone who saved for their future to someone who wastes everything just to make a point.

I know this is super old but I would love to know what your outcome was. In the same situation as you now…

Sounds a bit like my disastrous divorce! So so over whelming. My ex husband also wouldn't full in forms properly, was difficult through out.
Your children are young (do you work)? You have years of supporting them and even though it's bloody tough you need to fight on. Get a fair settlement for the long term gain.
The fact you have the children full time goes in your favour. Meaning you need to have suitable accommodation for them.

He can of course choose to stop paying child maintenance in 2 years. But at this point you would go to child maintenance and leave it for them to chase him. They have varies ways of getting the money. Is he self employed or employed?

Oops 3 years ago, didn't read that first.

No you fight and go to court which is the step if settlement talks and mediation haven't worked

I’ve just completed my divorce. Sadly I had a useless lawyer who didn’t understand his ways and just fleeced me for >£50k. It took 4 very stressful years, during which time I was not in the family home, had 3 kids and, as a former SAHM, I needed to find a decent income. First 2 years were hell. He said he wouldn’t pay any maintenance. My solicitor did zero about that. Meanwhile he’s running his successful business and hiding the assets. Opened a new business in his sisters name, transferred the £ from a business in our joint names to that. Anything he could do to get money out of the marital pot he did. He failed to cooperate on the forms and failed to cooperate with the court instructions. No one seemed bothered except me. In the end I accepted his original offer as it was making me ill and I just needed the £ to get on my feet and focus on the future. He kept all the assets, including my sewing machine! He went back on every agreement made. I kept telling my solicitor to go straight to court as the judge would sort him out. I’d say 1) avoid getting a solicitor - get a book on doing it yourself. It’s not rocket science. A month or two before court, get a barrister - you can instruct them directly. 2) Have zero discussion with ex. Any ‘conversations’ about the settlement should be via email only. 3) Do the first mediation session then withdraw - you have to do one. 4) Go full pelt to court. Get it in front of the judge ASAP. 5) Keep your emotions out of it. With this type of person there is no reason and no emotion. They just want to crush you. Don’t allow it. Use a counsellor who understands narcissistic traits. Read up on narcissism and psychopathy - or watch youtube videos on it to inform yourself on how they behave in divorce situation and generally 6) Don’t take it personally. You are doing the right thing by getting out. 7) be kind to yourself. Give yourself daily treats - little things that don’t cost time/money . It’s a stressful period and you need to be on top form. Use meditation to help with sleeping. Eat well. Don’t beat yourself up about your choice of husband: It is very hard to spot a narcissist/psychopath. They are very clever, good liars, they have zero empathy and zero conscience and zero fear. They are very difficult to spot until it’s too late.

@Lysco i could have written this word for word! Although sadly still not finished as he won’t make any offers that don’t leave me bankrupt