Dating a man in poly relationship

[Melanie1811]

So I’ve been seeing a man who has a partner and they have child together. She has a long term partner on the side. And now I’m dating him. She sees her lover twice a week And they have sex and She is sleeping with her partner (The one I’m seeing) only once a month. I am now dating him and falling so in love. He is bringing me flowers, calling me all the time, stops by to bring me lunch to work. Amazing. I want him for myself. Do you think I should end it now? Or just enjoy dating him for a while or there is a chance he might leave her? Or do I get used to being second woman? Anyone ever done this poly thing? What happened in the end ?

I hope he wears a condom.

I want him for myself. Do you think I should end it now?

Yes, obviously!

You knew what this was when you came into it - what on earth were you expecting?!?

Read 'The Ethical Slut'. Can download on kindle if you have one. It'll answer your questions, and probably raise more.

What was it about this married man that you thought was available.

Do you want to share him?
If not, then you probably have your answer.

She is sleeping with her partner (The one I’m seeing) only once a month

Presumably you only have his word for that.

I think this is wasting your time, as well as causing you unpleasant feelings sometimes when he's not with you.

You could tell him how you feel I suppose, just on the off chance he chooses to be with you. Then when he says no you can draw the line and end it.

I know poly is supposed to be about love, but you're not getting the stuff that his real partner is getting- sharing her life with him most of the time etc.

I think this is wasting your time, as well as causing you unpleasant feelings sometimes when he's not with you

If they were honest about their setup from the start, the OP has wasted her own time!

Yes you absolutely should end it now if you're falling in love.
The longer you 'enjoy' dating him the more pain you're going to go through in the end.
He's not going to leave his wife..and if he did and he's poly then he's going to surely want someone new after a while to lavish all this attention on. Imagine how that would feel.

By all means tell him how you feel but the chances of him saying "i'll leave my wife and leave the whole poly thing behind too" is extremely slim.

Yeah, ok

Oh there's a name for your type in poly circles - a "cowgirl".

What are the rules of engagement for him? Is emotional involvement permitted? If not, he will dump you soon. If so, unless they are good at this, yeah he might leave her for you. Be prepared for a shitstorm of emotional drama.

If you aren't polyamorous yourself and you think he's going to leave his partner for you then yes! Of course you should leave him.
I'm in a poly relationship which took some getting used to but I was committed to being poly and I'm happy. You are kidding yourself. If he's poly then he's poly - even if he split up with her he'd likely want to see other people.

He's not monogamous, you will never have him to yourself. Move on.

I agree with PP, move on OP. You'll only end up getting hurt in the long run.

I doubt he will ever leave his wife. He accepts that type of relationship and participates in it (which is fair enough if they both agree to it)

So if you want to be exclusive with him, I think it's likely you will get hurt and rejected.
Maybe it's best to be honest and discuss how you feel with him.

He wants a poly relationship and has one.

You don't want one anymore but are in one.

End and move on.

It isn't for you - that's totally fine - but there's a name for repeating the same behaviour over and over again while expecting a different outcome.

You date / shag him. That's what you are to him and that's what you signed up to. You've since discovered it doesn't work for you as you want more. So be honest, tell him that and move on with your life.

Or you'll be dating and shagging him for years waiting for something to change when why would it for him? He was honest about his set up and this is the one he's happy with.

Be honest with yourself and with him. This isn't making you happy now because you're anxious as you're developing feelings that don't work in a poly set up.

Don't waste more time.

His wife came up with the poly idea. He was never in poly relationship before... he is very sweet to me and tell me how he wants me in his life and he wish he met me sooner. But also talks nice about his partner ...

Wife - I meant partner - they are not married

So you either tell him you want a monogamous relationship with him and see what he says. Which will very likely be that he wants to stay with his long term partner.

Or you walk away yourself now.

The third option, that you seemed to be floating, was to keep seeing him in the hopes he'll reciprocate, fall in love with you too and then leave his wife of his own accord. That option isn't just ridiculous, it's harmful to your mental health.

Sleeping with his gf once a month? Yeah, right.

Use protection to protect yourself against STDs.

He obviously likes more than one woman at once. He won’t be satisfied with just you.

I’d end this now. There’s a world of hurt waiting for you.

If you think you'll be the special one to turn him, you'll be disappointed.

@Melanie1811

His wife came up with the poly idea. He was never in poly relationship before... he is very sweet to me and tell me how he wants me in his life and he wish he met me sooner. But also talks nice about his partner ...

Ok guys! He is coming in about an hour for glass of wine so I’m gonna tell him it’s the last time we are seeing each other. Wish me luck so he doesn’t sweet talk me...

I want him for myself

And that's not a polyamorous relationship.

Find someone less complicated.