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Original poster

Partner unsure about children with me

115 replies

CatsCoffeeAndBooks · 08/09/2020 09:00

I have always wanted children. This was clear to my partner when I met him. When I met him I also met his four year old daughter. Three years later we ended up in a situation where we were going to foster a one year old boy. We only spent ten days with him but we fell in love. After that time his father returned on the scene and took J to live with him five hours away. After a lot of heartache I asked my partner if we could try for our own and he went mad. He came up with all these excuses, that he has used in the before. “there is no rush!”, “It’s not the top of my list”.

I feel very strange about this situation. He planned to have his daughter with his last partner. He said if it came to it with the young boy he would look after him on his own. Am I right thinking that he’s slightly unsure about me?

OP posts:
MagMell · 08/09/2020 13:47

He said that she would do everything for him and he wouldn't do anything as he was busy training. With me he comes home on a Tuesday and does the washing up three times a week so he say's it a lot different.

Truly a prince.

Honestly, OP, in the nicest possible way, shake yourself. You deserve better, and even if he was enthusiastic about having a baby with you, you'd be crazy to.

VesperLynne · 08/09/2020 13:48

I'm not going to slag this guy off as I've never met him but an awful lot of men, if they are totally honest, are just looking for a relationship. They get married because they are led to believe that is the only way to keep a relationship and agree to having kids as a consession to their partner but in reality, they never wanted any of it. Some men are up front about it , others desperately try and find a middle ground and others just dither until they are dragged into to sign the register , resigned to their fate with an inner anxiety that unsettles their serenity and keeps them at work longer than they should. All I can suggest is you have a totally honest, balls on the line conversation about how you see your future and just listen to what he has to say. Some women are just happy to get what they want - rings, kids and a mortgage . Personally I value honesty : if all you want is just me, then say so. Something to think about.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 08/09/2020 13:49

an been too trusting of someone who does deserve it

Doesn't DoesN'T, blummin autocorrect.

PullTheBricksDown · 08/09/2020 13:50

With me he comes home on a Tuesday and does the washing up three times a week

Imagine the burden of washing up three times a week! I've got the world smallest violin here and
I'm playing it just for him.

Re breaking up with him, keep it simple. Avoid blame as you don't want to get into an argument where he will be determined to show how you are the unreasonable one. Say you've realised it's not working out and you want very different things in life so it's best to end it.

TorkTorkBam · 08/09/2020 13:56

Don't make it personal or about him.

"I don't want this any more. I agreed to try again and that's just confirmed to me that it is not working for me."

Do not give specifics. Those turn into negotiation points.

Follow up with "I need this to be a clean break because it is difficult for me. I will be blocking you and won't be in contact at all."

That helps you not take him back because if he pesters after you have asked for peace it shows he is supremely selfish and you will feel anger at him ignoring your wishes rather than being taken in by the specifics of his future faking.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 08/09/2020 13:57

VesperLynne, my heart bleeds, those poor wee men, dragged down the aisle and having babies against their own will, what wicked beasts women are.

PinkMonkeyBird · 08/09/2020 14:00

How on earth did you get through the fostering assessment process with this man?

Happynow001 · 08/09/2020 14:00

@CatsCoffeeAndBooks

I told him to leave a few weeks ago and he returned the next day, with his daughter to sort things out.
A bit of emotional blackmail there? Did he think you seeing his daughter, who you care for, and who cares for you, would change your mind?

I hope you feel strong enough, and have a clear enough view of your own needs and worth, to say this relationship is no longer working for you and you'd like him to leave now.

Don't give him a long deadline to enable him to affect your judgment. His daughter will not be homeless as she has her mother, and he is a grown adult with funds who can find and pay for his own accommodation, however "funny" he is with his money. He can then take his daughter into his new home and care for her himself.

Be very clear with him OP as he will not want to lose such a valuable resource as you.

This one is not a keeper.
* After a lot of heartache I asked my partner if we could try for our own and he went mad.*

Also don't forget to reclaim your 25% single occupier Council Tax discount as soon as he's gone.

Change your locks even if he returns the existing ones. You don't know whether or not he has copies but, in any case, better to be safe, and totally reclaim your space.

Stay strong and good luck for your future.🌹

ravenmum · 08/09/2020 14:02

Good idea to make a plan to help you feel in charge of the situation. Don't bring up the subject of children or it will just end up with him making some dodgy promise or explaining why you don't need any! Make it vague: "It's not working for me".

GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 14:04

Sounds like he's using his daughter to emotionally blackmail and keep you.

So he actually admits he made his ex do everything and he did nothing.

Another lady - fk, he's so shit she turned lesbian. That's a joke (mostly).

GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 14:06

(I mean that was meant as a joke).

SimonJT · 08/09/2020 14:07

@PinkMonkeyBird

How on earth did you get through the fostering assessment process with this man?
There isn’t one when its an in family emergency placement.
GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 14:07

does the washing up three times a week

Wow, dies he check.his balls are still there afterward each time, having forced himself to do some drudgery he apparently sees as women's work.

VesperLynne · 08/09/2020 14:09

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter, I've known at least three women who've deliberately engineered a pregnancy.

GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 14:10

You mentioning him being "funny" with money - children cost a lot of money (was it 200k to raise one til 21 or something like that?). He knows that, looks like his motives for not having more may be financial too.

GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 14:15

but I don't think he has my best interests at heart.

I think you are right op.

Especially given that he'll quite happily see you deprived of children of your own that you want, of not passing on your own Dna, of not being a mother to your own child or children as you'd like to be; there's not much bigger than that in terms of not caring about someone else's interests and wants.

SimonJT · 08/09/2020 14:15

You clearly both want completely different things in a relationship and I don’t just mean you wanting a child and he not.

You need to set a specific move out day, dates and times to collect belongings etc.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 08/09/2020 14:16

@VesperLynne

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter, I've known at least three women who've deliberately engineered a pregnancy.
Not relevant to the OP. He's a lazy user, someone is definitely manipulating the other in their relationship and it's not the OP.
GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 14:18

I've known at least three women who've deliberately engineered a pregnancy.

I've known some too - but if you don't want kids (or more kids) have a vasectomy or use condoms correctly (very effective if used correctly). Don't rely on other people and in contraception that could fail. Coils, pills etc. all can fail. You can't expect someine to them terminate a pregnancy cause you don't want it. Take responsibility for yourself.

Abstinence, vasectomies, condoms, double contraception are all possibilities. Sex can have consequences; noone's entitled to.consequence free sex.

The baby batter doesn't shoot itself up there.

GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 14:20

Don't shoot your spunk up women's vaginas if you don't want kids - simples.

But they're entitled to (condom free) sex, right?

Taikoo · 08/09/2020 14:25

Yeah you're being used.
No question.
You need to ditch him.

TorkTorkBam · 08/09/2020 14:51

He is a high earner. You chucked him once already recently. You don't have to have him around for even one night working on you emotionally. He can get a place to stay elsewhere.

Palavah · 08/09/2020 14:55

It's not helpful to call yourself a mug.

You want to have children, he doesn't. Therefore you need to split and move on. Simple as that
X

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 08/09/2020 14:58

@TorkTorkBam

Don't make it personal or about him.

"I don't want this any more. I agreed to try again and that's just confirmed to me that it is not working for me."

Do not give specifics. Those turn into negotiation points.

Follow up with "I need this to be a clean break because it is difficult for me. I will be blocking you and won't be in contact at all."

That helps you not take him back because if he pesters after you have asked for peace it shows he is supremely selfish and you will feel anger at him ignoring your wishes rather than being taken in by the specifics of his future faking.

This, with bells on!
dottiedodah · 08/09/2020 14:58

Vespa Lynne "Ive known 3 women to deliberately engineer their pregnancy."Well is that a war crime then ? Honestly ,many (not all) women want children at some point ,they meet a nice guy and fall for him .Children are a logical "next step" surely?If the guy(s) arent wanting DC then what is the point of years of "dating" a poor girl/woman .leading her on that "one day" they will have a family "one day " never arrives and said sad female is left childless and BF less to boot!