Page 3 | Partner unsure about children with me

CatsCoffeeAndBooks · 2020-09-08T08:00:40+00:00

I have always wanted children. This was clear to my partner when I met him. When I met him I also met his four year old daughter. Three years later we ended up in a situation where we were going to foster a one year old boy. We only spent ten days with him but we fell in love. After that time his father returned on the scene and took J to live with him five hours away. After a lot of heartache I asked my partner if we could try for our own and he went mad. He came up with all these excuses, that he has used in the before. “there is no rush!”, “It’s not the top of my list”. I feel very strange about this situation. He planned to have his daughter with his last partner. He said if it came to it with the young boy he would look after him on his own. Am I right thinking that he’s slightly unsure about me?

LadyLairdArgyll · 08/09/2020 12:04

OP: "He said if it came to it with the young boy he would look after him on his own." - he told OP that he would take the little boy if it became necessary. Sounds as if he was the one asked to look after the boy temporarily. How do you go from that to OP getting another foster child and him dumping them both?

I thought I was making quite a leap myself pointing out that some men claim to want a child just to get the woman.

I believe... His reaction says differently 🌺

ravenmum · 08/09/2020 12:05

But OP isn't trying to get another foster child?

LadyLairdArgyll · 08/09/2020 12:06

I also agree with everyone ... He is using you OP 🌺

KatherineJaneway · 08/09/2020 12:14

He goes MMA training for 4 hours on a weekend and you do all the childcare. You said:

I spent all day yesterday cleaning, doing the laundry and making food, I bathed DSD and dried her hair and when it was time to put her to bed he asked me to make him a tea whilst he ran himself a bath?

You are being used while he swans off and has fun. He doesn't want more kids and you do. You need to move on

GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 12:22

has anyone considered that the 2 children that he has both bonded with have been 'taken' away from him

How has his daughter been taken away from him?

He clearly has plenty of access to her.

Not having her full-time was a result of breaking up with her mum.- unless the mum cheated, left him, cruelly ended the relationship on her own .. it was his decision as much or more to end itvavd become a part time parent. And if sounds like he's not even a 50% part time parent. I'd be being denied that too ,- orvid that his choice?

He was certainly fast enough at introducing another woman into her life and having that woman help look after her.

GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 12:24

*is he being ..

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 08/09/2020 12:26

@KatherineJaneway

He goes MMA training for 4 hours on a weekend and you do all the childcare. You said:

I spent all day yesterday cleaning, doing the laundry and making food, I bathed DSD and dried her hair and when it was time to put her to bed he asked me to make him a tea whilst he ran himself a bath?

You are being used while he swans off and has fun. He doesn't want more kids and you do. You need to move on

These types of threads are all the same. It's always some woman doing all the donkey work for the man's kid whilst the git goes out and does what he pleases and then he wants her to compromise her fertility to enable him, too.

He's using you, OP.

GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 12:29

*He goes MMA training for 4 hours on a weekend and you do all the childcare. You said:

I spent all day yesterday cleaning, doing the laundry and making food, I bathed DSD and dried her hair and when it was time to put her to bed he asked me to make him a tea whilst he ran himself a bath*

I think i'm grasping why his relationship with his daughter's mum broke down.

Sorry but you're a handy female to do what he considers females should do .. all the domestic stuff and childcare, while he has his daughter (not even half the time by the sounds of it).

Why wouldn't he gave strung you along re having kids in future; sex, domestic chores, free baby sitter for his daughter, company etc etc.

And he doesn't want more kids so you're not to have that either.

You've not updated how old you are; I hope you're young enough to gtfo and have your own kids with someone else.

blinkybill47 · 08/09/2020 12:29

Move on and find someone that wants a child with you.

He doesn't and won't.

If you got pregnant I think that'd be the end of your relationship and I also think he probably wouldn't test your child as good as his current child

LexMitior · 08/09/2020 12:31

Yes. Women are better off by finding a man that does not have children. He may or may not want them, but you will avoid these difficulties which have been given to you, OP. They are not yours in truth.

I would leave, find a man who either does not have children or one that a minimum has a more equitable split with his ex, which suggests he is engaged and understands the needs of children.

PopsicleHustler · 08/09/2020 12:32

Chuck him. Get married to a good one and have kids with the person who wants the same things as you.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 08/09/2020 12:47

@baileys6904

Much as I hate to disagree with the men haters on this forum (I actually don't), has anyone considered that the 2 children that he has both bonded with have been 'taken' away from him so perhaps that would explain alot of the reluctance, especially if you are not married yet? Sharing a child is hard Enough so can't imagine that, and then having a potential Foster child that you get close to, then taken hours away. How's the rest of your relationship, are you happy? Are you concerned? Have you spoke about how he feels? Did you talk about how he felt after the 1year old left? Perhaps emotions are just abit raw at the moment. You may lose sight of it a bit on here but men do have feelings and can feel just as hurt as women but struggle to communicate them. Not saying this is the case here but it may not just be as clear cut as some are making out

Ah yes, the men pleaserz who'll look past any shite behaviour because any else is just man hating. No one's taking his kids away from him - he's just a lazy misogynistic arse who sees childcare as women's work.

OP, I've read your other threads, nothing has changed in years, he's using you, don't waste any more of your precious time with him. Do you have anyone in RL for support?

Original poster

CatsCoffeeAndBooks · 08/09/2020 13:14

Thank you for all of your input, believe me, I have taken it all in. I've been a mug for years. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's time for this to change. I can live without him and I'll be happier. I have my own source of income and he is living in my flat.

OP posts:

Original poster

CatsCoffeeAndBooks · 08/09/2020 13:16

I am 27 years old and he is 32. I am young to be thinking about children but I have always wanted a family but I need to have one with a man that is going to be supportive of me, and our future. I've been such an idiot thinking things would change.

OP posts:

MulticolourMophead · 08/09/2020 13:24

I'm not a man hater, I simply now refuse to give my time to someone who will take me for granted as one of the appliances.

OP, I think if you want your own child, you need to leave and find someone else. This man is being very clear you won't be having a child with him.

GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 13:25

I'm delighted to hear you're 27 op.

Please do get out and do your utmost to meet a partner and try for kids.

Ideally get married before doing that (unless you have greater assets).

He's v unlikely to change his mind and even if he did , he's not sounding like a good partner & dad. He sounds v selfish.

I wonder what his ex has to say about him.

TorkTorkBam · 08/09/2020 13:26

Please tell me he has been paying half the bills while he has been there.

GilbertMarkham · 08/09/2020 13:28

Fk, he's actually living on your property too.

He really sounds like he left (or wax thrown out by) his ex and just latched onto a woman who would provide him with accommodation, domestic chores, help with his daughter when he sees her etc etc. - all while giving you nothing.

Not that in this case, giving you the "commitment" of a child would be a good thing. Since you'd be doing all the work by the looks of it, on top of the work with his child.

TorkTorkBam · 08/09/2020 13:30

He won't give up his meal ticket easily. When you chuck him there will be talk of depression, a proposal, talk of future children. Do not be taken in by the future faking! You will want it to be true. Look at now and know it is future faking when it comes.

Do you know how to get rid of him?

Original poster

CatsCoffeeAndBooks · 08/09/2020 13:32

He has been paying half the bills, he earns a lot more than I do but he is very funny with his money.

He was with his ex for 6 years, she ended it and is now with another lady. He said that she would do everything for him and he wouldn't do anything as he was busy training. With me he comes home on a Tuesday and does the washing up three times a week so he say's it a lot different. Typing this all out... I am a mug. The thing is, i know i moan, and there are two sides to every story but I don't think he has my best interests at heart.

OP posts:

Original poster

CatsCoffeeAndBooks · 08/09/2020 13:37

I told him to leave a few weeks ago and he returned the next day, with his daughter to sort things out.

The thing with me is that I get so worried about losing someone, i tend to ignore all the warning signs. Where i lost both of my parents before i was 19 I think I am just willing to accept all kinds of treatment which i know is very unhealthy.

How would I go about breaking up with him? and also, not running back to him.

OP posts:

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 08/09/2020 13:39

@CatsCoffeeAndBooks

Thank you for all of your input, believe me, I have taken it all in. I've been a mug for years. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's time for this to change. I can live without him and I'll be happier. I have my own source of income and he is living in my flat.

Good to hear!

Although not the bit about him living in your flat, but that'll make it easier and simpler for you, he can bag up and go. Have you thought about how you're going to go about it?

I also just want to leave this here, it's free and would be beneficial for you to help with your boundaries, you've done nothing wrong other than been too trusting of someone who does deserve it, the Freedom Programme will help you recognise and steer clear of men like him.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 08/09/2020 13:46

@CatsCoffeeAndBooks

I told him to leave a few weeks ago and he returned the next day, with his daughter to sort things out.

The thing with me is that I get so worried about losing someone, i tend to ignore all the warning signs. Where i lost both of my parents before i was 19 I think I am just willing to accept all kinds of treatment which i know is very unhealthy.

How would I go about breaking up with him? and also, not running back to him.

You tell him to leave, now and not contact you again that you are over. Then you block him and don't allow any contact with him again. He has money to get another place and at any rate it is not your problem. He's a using cunt.

And yes, do the Freedom Programme. And as you have your own income, look into some private counselling for bereavement and on getting better boundaries and self-esteem.

You owe him nothing.

Original poster

CatsCoffeeAndBooks · 08/09/2020 13:46

Thank you so much for this. I'll take a look. I haven't thought about how I would go about it x

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thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 08/09/2020 13:47

How would I go about breaking up with him? and also, not running back to him.

Stay on here and get support in RL if you can. Loads of MNetters have been where you are, post or text a friend when you feel your resolve is waning. How you want to do it is up to you. I've seen threads where the OP has changed locks, bagged his shit up and sent a text saying it's over, get a mate to collect your stuff. What happened a few weeks ago? Did he bring the child to guilt you?