Man's rejection is ruining my life

[Froggytog]

I'm really struggling with the end of things with a guy I was dating last year and what he said is going round and round my head to point I have lost all faith in myself and am seriously worried I'm getting clinical depression over it.

Met online,dated for few months,he seemed keen.I then discovered he was in fact still married (but in process of a divorce) whereby he said he wasn't looking for a relationship, wasn't ready,seemed miserable with his situation and clearly not over ex. So I left him to it and said if he ever felt ready and I was still single to contact me. He didn't seem to want to let me go though and I suspect wanted to use me a shoulder to cry on /keep me on a string,which I was definitely not going to be so off I trotted although stupidly I hoped he'd come back when he had his head sorted as I really fell for him.

So over 6 months later on Christmas day he texted to let me know effectively that I was not his type of person and he wasn't interested and he hoped I could find a man that would like me.It was basically a fuck off text, unsolicited dumping, whatever you want to call it.I couldn't believe someone could do this-firstly over text and secondly on Xmas day, especially since I hadn't contacted him at all.

Thing is (and maybe I'm too sensitive) what he said is going round and round in my head and making me miserable. He basically lied when he said he didn't want a relationship and clearly he just didn't want one with me.Why he felt the need to text I don't get,and his text was so patronising and I am convinced there is some major defect in my personality or looks now.It's actually got to the point that this rejection is all I'm thinking about and ruining my life even though it was months ago.I've been rejected before and never had this reaction.I just can't see myself ever dating again and no man will like me.

I dunno what I'm looking for...just I guess has anyone been in a similar situation and dug there way out of the hole of misery and how?

I really liked him to but I guess he wasn't what he seemed.....

I honestly mean that message sincerely, have you considered therapy to understand why this situation has effected you so badly?

OP,
Don't allow someone who doesn't value you, decide your value.

I'm guessing it went like this:

There was someone else.
He chose her (for whatever reason).
She didn't know about you.
She found out about you and told him you had to go.
He sent unsolicited text to end contact.

You're left feeling shitty.
He's a douche.

It's not you. It's him.

@redcarbluecar

Why he felt the need to text I don't get,and his text was so patronising and I am convinced there is some major defect in my personality or looks now

You're placing too much weight on his judgement. Not being his type of person (even if that IS the reason for his odd behaviour) isn't a slight on your character. It might actually be the opposite. I agree with PP that you've probably dodged a bullet and that you should block him and move on.

Exactly. And frankly, who would trust the judgement of someone who tricked someone into dating them in good faith while he was still married, then told that person he wasn’t interested in a relationship, and spent Christmas Day texting a drunken rejection message to that person, who had rightly not contacted him in six months?

Would you think this was a trustworthy person with excellent judgement, whose opinion had any validity?

He’s been angry at your rejection of him and has lashed out. Probably due to pressures of things really coming to an end with his ex. It really is nothing to do with you (personality/looks/anything) regardless of what he said. He is in pain and he wants someone else to be. He probably started with trying to make his ex feel crap and then went on to anyone else he thought he could hurt. You’ve had a very lucky escape!

Well he seems to have a pattern of choosing partners from developing/less economically strong countries who.mighg be glad to have UK citizenship.

A certain type of man tends to do that, I find.

Someone who liked power in his relationships.

I can imagine why he really wouldn't like a divorce lawyer who finished with him and told him to get in touch of he sorted his head out and was interested in a real relationship; no wonder he stewed and felt the need to try to put you down.

(Either that or as others have said - had to look like he was cutting you off definitively to a jealous insecure partner).

Incidentally you should have stayed on contact just cause he'd make a lucrative client.

One failed marriage to a non UK national under the belt and another in the offing.

.

He probably started with trying to make his ex feel crap and then went on to anyone else he thought he could hurt.

You were probably the only woman who hadn't blocked him by that point.

Few too many whiskies on Christmas day too probably.

He sounds like a fkg mess.

He's beneath you - and he knows it.

@MizMoonshine

I'm guessing it went like this:

There was someone else.
He chose her (for whatever reason).
She didn't know about you.
She found out about you and told him you had to go.
He sent unsolicited text to end contact.

You're left feeling shitty.
He's a douche.

It's not you. It's him.

I'd go for "he planned to keep you both on the rota until he decided which to choose. you refused, she got chosen by default, she found out about you .... Ridiculous message".

Glad you're in a better place op. His text on Xmas day says everything about him and nothing about you. He was happy to send such a vile text at that time of year because he's a complete shit bag. You can't understand it because you're not a shit bag and wouldn't ever do something so horrid to another person. You dodged a bullet. If he's married so soon then that's another red flag and confirmation your gut was right at the time to call it a day. I'd say you are a lovely human who's strong and he's a weasel

What a lucky escape you had OP, rejoice a man so awful doesn't like you. Would be considerably worse if he did.

What a horrible bastard!!!

He messaged you on Christmas Day 6 months later, you odviously was on his mind 😄. Sounds like a proper twat you’ve dodged a bullet their!
Theirs nothing wrong with you!

"Sorry, just read this message now and who is this please? I think you have messaged a wrong number".

Narcissists apparently like to spoilt special days like birthdays and Christmases by doing this sort of thing for no real reason other than the kick they get out of upsetting somone. He's probably sent a similar one to someone else on Valentine's Day.

@autumnalrain you're completely right and I did actually see a counsellor for a few sessions. She felt that he'd just destroyed my confidence and she said even she felt mad at him on my behalf!

I think I'm more annoyed with myself than anything for letting myself be used by him and ruminating over him for ages while he had happily moved on.

He had issues in the bedroom sometimes too and I was so bloody understanding.He took me for a fool. To think that he was either actively looking for a relationship behind my back or indeed in one already (while telling me he wasn't ready for one) makes me cringe at my own stupidity and trusting nature.Ultimately with all his issues he should have been the one losing his confidence not me.And not to sound like a bitch but I don't think his new woman is vastly prettier than myself!!Anyway big lesson learned and time to start dating again💪😀Thanks to all xx

Reread your last post OP and notice how much blame and responsibility you're still taking for someone else's shitty behaviour! You've encountered one of life's fuck ups, an unpleasant person who is taking his own dysfunction, inadequacy and dissatisfaction with life out on others instead of being a grown up and dealing with his own shit. I wish you could see that what he did/said was 100% about him and nothing at all to do with you and stop beating yourself up for what you see as your weaknesses/mistakes. Sometimes we just get shit on by shitty people, the trick is knowing their behaviour only ever reflects on them and refusing to internalise or take the blame for something they did

I know you're right what he did is 100% on him and he is indeed one of life's sad cases.My only regret is I gave him any air time. Lesson learned!

It is called being abusive.
I tortured myself and still do asking myself ‘why does my ex do or did this or that’ the reality is, he is a nasty abusive, manipulative bastard who enjoys seeing people hurt, cry etc he actually laughs and gets smug about it. I remember once when my son was a few weeks old listen to him rant and rave to some organisation and threaten this and that and then he pretended to get cut off and they rang back frantically and he ignored it and chuckled his little socks off - meanwhile I thought what a total wanker! Ex used to (and still would if given the chance) pretend and I mean pretend he couldn’t hear people even when he clearly could hear them -and watch them getting frustrated and I’d think what a dick - he then used to do it with me. Even now I have to go - right fine, you are pissing about again - conversation over

This is really very simple.

Man gets dumped by wife. He’s sore over it. Meets woman (you) and wants to use you to help him feel a bit better whilst he splits from wife. You tell him thanks but no thanks, I’m not going to be your crutch I’ve got too much self respect, call me when you get your shit together. He’s sitting there on Christmas Day, feeling sorry for himself and after a few glasses of Advocat, decides to send the “bitch” a snotty note to put her in her place. He probably sent his ex, lucky escape woman, something worse.

He’s an arse. There is nothing wrong with you and well done on your boundaries. I’m impressed.

Personally I would have texted “who is this?”

He has issues! You obviously left an impression on him and somehow he needs to feel superior. Take it as a compliment that you had such an effect! If he were truly unbothered he wouldn’t have messaged at all, let alone on Christmas
Day!!

My bet is in the future he will try to worm his way back. Well done on having the boundaries to not fall for it!

I can relate with this obsession thkugh OP- I am obsessed With an ex who was never even my boyfriend and has been in/out of my life for years!! I am obsessed and his opinion of me is important to me (it shouldnt be!). You’re not weak for feeling like this xx

Have I got this right? You posted in Sept 2020 that you dated him for 'a few months' the previous year? So it's more or less two years since you had a brief relationship with him?

Why do you think you feel like an idiot and a fool? What else is going on in your life?

Theres only 1 person with a personality defect here and its definitely not you.

Yes @Sarahlou63 ,I know how deranged it sounds to have dated a guy for 6 months and it's still affecting me and I realise it's such a small issue.I had been perfectly fine until I heard that he was with someone else.

If I'm truly honest,and I didn't want to post the whole story because I was embarrassed at my own stupidity, but after he texted the weird message I replied days later simply saying thanks for message with no emotion whatsoever. He then offered to help me with something in my home,(he's an architect) so I thought he wanted to see me and perhaps apologise but when I went to take him up on his offer he basically reneged.It was like he wanted me to think he wanted to see me and when I fell for it he got what he wanted (validation) and was satisfied.

I've been rejected by guys before but never like this and I've parted on good terms and am still friends with some exes from years ago.But this guy's behaviour got to me.I know deep down I'm worth way more than him but it's irritating me now he's found someone and I'm still sodding single!

You're neither deranged or stupid. As you say, there was something about this guy that got to you, and still makes you feel unsettled even now. It's not actually him (he's a twat and you dodged a bullet, as you know!) but was something else going on in your life at the time and he became a distraction/focus??