Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Man's rejection is ruining my life

78 replies

Froggytog · 07/09/2020 16:27

I'm really struggling with the end of things with a guy I was dating last year and what he said is going round and round my head to point I have lost all faith in myself and am seriously worried I'm getting clinical depression over it.

Met online,dated for few months,he seemed keen.I then discovered he was in fact still married (but in process of a divorce) whereby he said he wasn't looking for a relationship, wasn't ready,seemed miserable with his situation and clearly not over ex. So I left him to it and said if he ever felt ready and I was still single to contact me. He didn't seem to want to let me go though and I suspect wanted to use me a shoulder to cry on /keep me on a string,which I was definitely not going to be so off I trotted although stupidly I hoped he'd come back when he had his head sorted as I really fell for him.

So over 6 months later on Christmas day he texted to let me know effectively that I was not his type of person and he wasn't interested and he hoped I could find a man that would like me.It was basically a fuck off text, unsolicited dumping, whatever you want to call it.I couldn't believe someone could do this-firstly over text and secondly on Xmas day, especially since I hadn't contacted him at all.

Thing is (and maybe I'm too sensitive) what he said is going round and round in my head and making me miserable. He basically lied when he said he didn't want a relationship and clearly he just didn't want one with me.Why he felt the need to text I don't get,and his text was so patronising and I am convinced there is some major defect in my personality or looks now.It's actually got to the point that this rejection is all I'm thinking about and ruining my life even though it was months ago.I've been rejected before and never had this reaction.I just can't see myself ever dating again and no man will like me.

I dunno what I'm looking for...just I guess has anyone been in a similar situation and dug there way out of the hole of misery and how?

I really liked him to but I guess he wasn't what he seemed.....

OP posts:

AnaViaSalamanca · 07/09/2020 18:42

Most likely a jealous partner making him do this. Do you have a pretty photo on whatsapp? I remember a colleague told me once her new boyfriend made her send a message and "officially" dump any guy she had dated previously, even if it was ages ago.

cheeseismydownfall · 07/09/2020 18:44

OP, please don't take this tosser to heart! Either one of two things happened to trigger this text, A) as PPs have suggested, it was in some way linked to him trying again with his ex or B) he was pissed off at how easily you appeared to detach from him and he is trying to re-write history to give him the "last word". Either way he sounds like an utter loser and you are very well rid. I like the suggestion of the "who is this" response IF you think you are strong enough not to get dragged in to further engagement. Ignoring and blocking might be a safer course of action.

Seriously - it's not you, it's him!

WiserOlder · 07/09/2020 18:46

@AnaViaSalamanca

How EMBARRASSING! And abusive

needsahouseboy · 07/09/2020 18:51

I would have said ‘fuck off you total idiot, you clearly think I’m great otherwise you’d have forgotten me and are pissed off I didn’t contact you and are having a shitty Christmas’

Onthedunes · 07/09/2020 23:09

How bizarre.
I wouldn,t let this text affect your confidence, hell he,s not forgot you, you must have left a lasting impression.
Forget this idiot, hes not worth it.

Original poster

Froggytog · 07/09/2020 23:13

Thanks for all your replies and they've made me feel a little better.

No, he's definitely not still with his ex and I'm sure they got divorced. To my knowledge he's single but I could be wrong!

@growinggreyer and @AryaStarkWolf I think you're spot on.He was probably depressed over his marriage but why the hell take it out on someone he had no contact with for so long?I was pretty understanding of his situation at the time.I just wouldn't do that to someone and if I'm not interested I would let them down easy,but only if they contacted me.

@Brakebackcyclebot this is what one of my friends said...he felt rejected himself by his ex possibly so could only big himself up by rejecting someone else.

@Sakurami this is exactly it.I don't know what he expected me to say-like "thanks for the rejection and Merry x-mas yourself?"

To those who asked if I replied....I was an idiot and I couldn't believe that he was rejecting me on x-mas day.
I thought I had misunderstood what he was saying as the way he phrased it was not clear,was not aggressive or anything and he was at the same time supposedly wishing me a happy x-mas.But I ran it by some friends and all bar one thought it was a rejection and told me not to reply.

Of course being a complete idiot I replied days later and just wished him a happy new year which led to him upsetting me even more. I think part of the reason I feel so shitty is that I was so totally stupid to reply.I thought somehow he'd realise what a nasty message he'd sent.But no.

I wouldn't mind but when I hadn't heard from him a few weeks after it had ended I had deleted his number. I only knew it was him cos his ugly mug appeared on watsapp!I know he was a twat but it's affected me way more than I thought possible:(

OP posts:

PersephonePromotesEquanimity · 07/09/2020 23:21

Block him.

If he finds a way to contact you - never, ever respond again.

Tigerty · 07/09/2020 23:26

Well done for having strong boundaries and not falling for his shit. You instinctively knew he was not right for you. 6 months later and he showed you who he really is. His behaviour says nothing about you and everything about him.

Put the utter cockwomble wazzock out of your mind. If you catch yourself in a negative thought because of his twattiness consciously think of something positive.

Don’t diss your instinct it was spot on.

Yeahnahmum · 08/09/2020 00:19

A clinical depression over this??? No op.
This was a man in a divorce that wanted something from you. And you said no. And on Christmas he got drunk and lashed out.

See him for what he is op. (Skunk. Ahole. Idiot)
And see yourself for what you are (you said no to a man still married. Hooray!! That is some great values 😊)

OldWomanSaysThis · 08/09/2020 00:59

What a wierdo! Bullet dodged.

Settleandcalm · 08/09/2020 01:08

Well you were still in his head MONTHS after YOU rejected HIM, so to me that means it was total bollocks and he was either:

A - hurting and lashing out at someone he actually did like

B - wifey caught his texts and he was trying to dig himself out of a hole

Either way if he genuinely didn’t give a fuck about you, you would never have received that text. So seriously give yourself a big pay on the back for reading a twat of a man right and getting rid when you did.

It really isn’t any actual read of you or your character!

supercali77 · 08/09/2020 07:15

Agreed with a pp. This is either the wife, some new mental partner who insists on this, or he's been sad/angry on Christmas day and stewing. Either way....he made a problem that was his into yours. Dont allow it. If you were so undesirable and so not his person why was he so keen on you to begin with? Dont let his confusion/ situation become yours. You are wasting good months of your life on this, you on your deathbed will kick yourself for it

Ilovetheseventies · 08/09/2020 07:37

Could it possibly be that there are other things that our happening in Yr life that is making this situation seem so bad?
Perhaps too much time to think or other stresseors in Yr life.
Theres nothing wrong with not being his type this kind of thing happens all the time.
But he'd have been better off saying that he wasn't feeling it. How thoughtless of him. Imagine if you'd have got involved with him how you would feel.
Go out with some pals and forget about him. 😊

WiserOlder · 08/09/2020 07:43

He took it out on you because on some buried level, he admires your boundary, admires your optimism, admires your healthy relationships,admires your integrity, but that wasnt in his plan. He wanted you to make him feel better about himself, that was your role! and when your first met, that worked. Then, his own thoughts did unwelcome laps of his head and whaaat?! - you made him feel worse about himself? He understood none of this. So he thinks he hates you but he hates himself.

redcarbluecar · 08/09/2020 07:55

Why he felt the need to text I don't get,and his text was so patronising and I am convinced there is some major defect in my personality or looks now

You're placing too much weight on his judgement. Not being his type of person (even if that IS the reason for his odd behaviour) isn't a slight on your character. It might actually be the opposite. I agree with PP that you've probably dodged a bullet and that you should block him and move on.

WiserOlder · 08/09/2020 08:02

Yes, if im not in contact with people any more i dont GET in contact to tell them that!! I know. They know.

It is a fucked up form of reaching out. HE wants to be the one that you have to aspire to being right for.
He had an uncomfortable feeling that he didnt measure up to your standard though and he certainly couldnt wrestlewith those uncomfortable thoughts.
He had to FORCE his script back on to you. Ie, im the one deciding who is right for me.

lemorella · 08/09/2020 08:06

Why don't you send him a random text now calling him an ugly warthog and it's a good thing it's coming up to winter so he can buy himself a big scarf to cover his spiteful face. (I jest but it's absolutely something I'd do)

I agree with pp's that his text was actually all about making himself feel better and nothing to do with you. Do not let one persons shitty comment and treatment of you define your whole being.

Married man: going through a separation: it was a recipe for disaster and you were the collateral damage. Don't be too hard on yourself about it, it really is not a reflection of you.

Pobblebonk · 08/09/2020 08:13

It may not have been what you intended, but this was probably the perfect response. He wanted to hurt you and your response didn't acknowledge in any way that you were hurt, which probably annoyed him considerably.

It's pretty obvious that he couldn't handle the fact that you effectively dumped him and was just lashing out. This is a man who hid the fact that he was married when entering a new relationship, and who is clearly extremely immature. What he said about you had much more to do with his desire to hurt than the truth, and his opinions are worthless anyway. Please put him out of your head and be grateful that you dodged a bullet by getting out of the relationship early.

WiserOlder · 08/09/2020 08:15

Yes, again you showed him that you are a good not bitter person and that angered him. His narrative is that you are not good enough for HIM.

ArthurBloom · 08/09/2020 08:27

As a man who was once as childish as this man seems to be, it's a clear defence mechanism.
He's like a child who doesn't bother revising for exams so when he fails he can say "I would have done well if I tried!"
His ego is hurt you were able to keep away so he tries to diminish you, please don't fall for it, you are better than that.

SVRT19674 · 08/09/2020 08:58

He was on the rebound, feeling rejected by his wife and then you, very sensibly, saw that he wasnt right for you. It dented his pride, it preyed on his mind so he lashed out. Pity him and get on with your life.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 08/09/2020 09:11

I think maybe he and the wife was getting back together, maybe she had found messages from you or he had spoken about you (the let's me completely honest about what we did when we wasnt together chat) and she wanted him to prove it was completely over between you .
Either way just block his number and move on. Christmas was a long time ago, dont give him head space rent free. Life is so much easier without a confused, needy and emotionally unavailable man bringing you down.

OhSoSad · 08/09/2020 09:59

OP I feel for you so much, I'm in a similar situation. I met a guy 2 years ago and while I was initially cautious he apparently fell head over heels for me - I know now from reading stuff on here it's called love bombing.
We were together for over 18 months and it was very up and down, it became obvious he had a lot of issues but even so I completely fell for him.

Things seemed to be going better at the start of this year then lockdown happened - I don't know what went on other than I guess the enforced time alone gave him too much time to think (his drinking problem probably didn't help either) but after the first few weeks he completely changed. Wouldn't see me even when we were 'allowed', ignored my texts and was nasty if we spoke. I ended up driving to his house to see if he was OK - I know it sounds a bit stalkerish but he's OD before so I was genuinely worried - and he made me feel like both an idiot and a bitch for daring to 'check up on him'. He ended up completely blanking me and I'm left with no clue what I did wrong, why his feelings changed or how someone I'd shared everything with for 18 months could just cut me out of their life.

I've gone through hell ever since, blaming myself, struggling with not being able to do anything to change the situation but mostly just not understanding. I still don't but I'm starting to see it wasn't about me - reading some of the replies to your thread has helped me too. I think some men are threatened by the way women are able to pick themselves up and carry on - because we bloody have to - and it's easier to blame us than to look at their own inadequacies.

I've never been as low as I have the past few months but there's a slight light at the end of the tunnel, I still love and miss him and I honestly don't know what I'd do if he contacted me again but I'm working very hard on trying to build my self esteem because I honestly believe if I'd been in a better place I would never have fallen for him let alone put up with all his unreasonable behaviour.

I know this is a bit different to your situation but I hope it helps a bit to know you're not the only one who feels like this x

Original poster

Froggytog · 14/02/2021 21:48

Hi,I posted here ages ago and sort of disappeared.Sorry to the last poster who I didn't reply to and your message was so kind and hopefully you read this message now and you are doing much better yourself.I wasn't in a great place then and to boot lost my password and just didn't have the energy to set up a new one.Bad times.Anyway I'm much better now and I think some replies were spot on in that I just was mulling over everything because I had nothing going on myself.The reason I'm writing now is that I found out today, through linked-in of all things that the jackass that hurt me so much has in fact married a Vietnamese lady!This is the guy who told me he was so hurt over his marriage breaking up and that his ex had absconded back to Latvia with the child he had adopted (her kid).I just can't fathom that he is essentially making the same mistake again.Before anyone starts saying I'm being racist or anything I've been to Vietnam and loved it and the people!But also I'm a divorce lawyer (yes,I should therefore know better,lol) and can see the difficulties with practicalities and legalities of marriage and kids in this scenario should a marriage breakup.Dunno why I'm posting really but I just feel like such a fool as I was so understanding of his circumstances and blamed his treatment of me on them.It's not even that I would want him now or anything but I feel like a bloody idiot and want to crawl under a rock because after he sent his message at xmas saying I wasn't his type I did eventually reply saying how hurt I was(even though my friends begged me not to!).Clearly he must've been with her by then.The shame.I need a virtual hug/handhold.

OP posts:

autumnalrain · 14/02/2021 22:45

OP, with all the kindness in the world, you NEED to move on.

It’s been over 18 months since you’ve been together, why does this man have a hold of you? I honestly mean this sincerely: do you suffer from OCD? Because you show traits of relationship ocd , in that you ruminate of small things. You can’t go on this way, it’s going to make you sick.

Flip

1 2 3 4