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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drug addict boyfriend, please help, im so exhausted.

79 replies

pyramidhead · 07/09/2020 16:15

We have been together for 3 years and both in our 30s. Since he was a teenager, he took drugs, ecstasy, ketamine, coke...anything. He became a crack addict. I left him 6 months ago because he was using and treating me terribly, I hardly even saw him.
Then whilst I was away it got so bad that he had to move in with his mother as he didnt pay his rent.
His mother took out a mortgage on a house for him to pay off, as he was now apparently clean and had set up his own business. Anyway, because I thought he got clean I got back in touch after no contact for months.
And now we have met up twice and had some nice times, he seemed good.
Then last weekend it was his birthday. He half heartedly invited me to his family meal but on the day I heard nothing. I was so upset.
And then I looked on his facebook and realised on that night he met friends in my area (we dont live in the same town), without seeing me, and smoking hundreds of pounds worth of crack between them.
He was on his way to work in London a week later, and popped in my house for 10 minutes to give me 5 citalopram tablets as he was worried about me! He said hes doing so well with his business and hes too busy to see me much at the moment. And his business is going to be on TV.
Then he left for London and I gleaned from facebook that he was hours late for his job, the lady hes working for was very cross. And other people worrying about him.
Anyway, I lost my job Saturday and was very upset. I got drunk and texted him that I know he smoked crack on his birthday and hed rather see anyone but me. He said well its nothing to do with me and its over.
Yesterday I rang him and he just kept saying he loved me but i need to sort my head out, hes done nothing wrong and hes entitled to a blow out.
I just feel so bad and unloved. Ive hardly heard from him and hes been in London nearly a week. And him making out hes such a success now, whilst im the one with the issues.
Is it me in the wrong somehow? Can he get better from a drug addiction without professional help? Does he just not love me or is it the drugs?
My head feels so messed up.

OP posts:
WunWun · 07/09/2020 16:19

He's not going to get better unless he wants to, which he clearly doesn't.

Just be glad you're out of it and stay away from the drug addicted in future. Even if he got clean he would be very likely to relapse again at some point.

There's no good future for you with this guy.

ChaChaCha2012 · 07/09/2020 16:19

You both sound messed up. He's a drug addict, and you have such poor self esteem that you keep taking him back. Stop contacting him, stop responding to his contact. Walk away and do not look back.

Gazelda · 07/09/2020 16:20

He doesn't deserve your love.

I don't think he loves anyone more than he loves drugs. He's certainly not clean and his life isn't a success. I suspect he's going to lurch from trouble to trouble.

Honestly, you'd be so much better blocking him from your phone and mind. It's over. Repair your life and find someone better when you're feeling stronger.

I know this sounds so difficult, and your heart is probably broken. But honestly, it's better that you are apart.

formerbabe · 07/09/2020 16:20

Why is your self esteem so low that you are in a relationship with a crack addict? Don't you think you can do better?

Greeneyes78 · 07/09/2020 16:21

drugs are his priority and you’re wasting your time here op

MrsMoastyToasty · 07/09/2020 16:21

He loves drugs more than he loves you. End of.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 07/09/2020 16:24

From somebody who is now separated from an addict and alcoholic: every word out of his mouth is bullshit. Once you understand this, things start to slip into place. He’s not a success, his business won’t be on TV, you’re not the one with the issues. He’s a lying, manipulative addict in denial and you have to walk away before he ruins any more of your mental health. He will never be the partner you need.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/09/2020 16:24

He's right, you do need to sort your head out.

Not medically. Just in terms of what you want for yourself. The problem with seeing someone again who you have previously been in a relationship with them using is this. You established really terrible patterns and the relationship was shit. So that's your starting point. Why would you accept that with no reason?

Original poster
pyramidhead · 07/09/2020 16:26

Its just him saying how hes going to be so successful, he wants me to be with him, he wants a family and then its over, then he says he loves me again......and he doesnt seem on drugs when ive seen him.
Do you think he is just trying to get rid of me im using drugs as an excuse?
Sorry I am quite messed up. My self worth is on the floor and I dont know how to change myself.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/09/2020 16:30

My self worth is on the floor and I dont know how to change myself.

And he is absolute poison if you want to start. Utter poison.

So pick yourself up, block him on everything, start doing some work. I find that taking care of myself physically is a good place to start. Others may have suggestions for reading and self-care.

WunWun · 07/09/2020 16:30

Drug addiction is a real thing that affects people. I don't think it's hair to say that anyone addicted to drugs doesn't deserve love. It's a fucking awful illness. I don't think 'loving' drugs comes into it either - they're addictive. This is crack we're talking about!

With regards to the OP though - I think you need to realise that you can love and have feelings for someone without acting upon it and with the realisation that it wouldn't be a healthy relationship for you to be in. You love him, but you know it can never work out. He can't stop the drugs for you, he needs to do it for himself and that will probably not happen.

The fact he hasn't contacted you is nothing to do with how much he loves you, it has to do with him being addicted to drugs x

formerbabe · 07/09/2020 16:31

Yes your self worth must be on the floor. Quite honestly, it wouldn't even occur to me to date a drug addict...there's plenty of men who aren't addicted to crack, why on earth would you?

And please for God's sake, make sure you're on some bloody good contraception

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/09/2020 16:34

When I worked in treatment we suggested strongly that people didn't get into relationships for at least a year of very good, clean, healthy recovery.

Because of many reasons, not least of which is the addict replacing drugs with the happy hormones of love and sex.

SoulofanAggron · 07/09/2020 16:34

Drug addict boyfriend

That is a phrase that should not exist. Except maybe if they are years into recovery/being clean. Did he admit he was still into drugs when you first got together?

he just kept saying he loved me but i need to sort my head out, hes done nothing wrong and hes entitled to a blow out.

It's emotionally abusive to claim you are the one with the problem. Yes, he can have a blow out, but you don't have to like it, especially as he's presumably told you he's no longer into it, and also lied about the last episode.

Can he get better from a drug addiction without professional help?

Some people do, but he hasn't and now shows no sign of planning to stop permanently. Obviously it shows more of a genuine intent to quit if they seek professional help. This is not a permanent chemical dependency in medical terms (as far as we know) but a craving/habit/something he enjoys that he occasionally indulges, going on a bender. But of course we don't know how often he takes stuff or even what he's taking each time- his work, home etc situation implies it's frequent. It'd meet the AA definition of addiction in that it impairs his life, work, relationships etc.

Does he just not love me or is it the drugs?

Someone who is really keen on drugs will put them above everything and everyone, as you can see with his work, housing etc. He shows no real sign of loving you. Even if he thinks/says he loves you, this stroppy druggie is not someone you want to be with based on his actions and how they make you feel.

This should be the end. x

rvby · 07/09/2020 16:39

@pyramidhead

Its just him saying how hes going to be so successful, he wants me to be with him, he wants a family and then its over, then he says he loves me again......and he doesnt seem on drugs when ive seen him. Do you think he is just trying to get rid of me im using drugs as an excuse? Sorry I am quite messed up. My self worth is on the floor and I dont know how to change myself.
my love, do you have friends or family to talk to?

You're going on about him, him, him but honestly he doesn't even matter. You've got to get out of this cycle of obsessing about him.

Who can you go to who will take care of you and love you just as you are? If you don't have a person, then you're going to need to do it yourself.

Bath, cup of tea, funny cat videos on YouTube, a good meal or two, and perhaps an over the counter sleep aid to make sure you rest tonight. Repeat until you feel more whole.

Be nice to yourself love, the only relationship you will have for your whole life is with yourself.

The person you keep running back to is a drug addict and a liar who's living in cloud cuckoo land. He is also one of 3.5 billion men, there is nothing special about him, honest. Break your habit of thinking he's important and you will feel SO much better.

SoulofanAggron · 07/09/2020 16:42

Its just him saying how hes going to be so successful

'This time next year I'll be a millionaire.'

he wants me to be with him, he wants a family and then its over, then he says he loves me again

It's all words and ways to keep you hooked in.

and he doesnt seem on drugs when ive seen him

His body might be used to it so it doesn't show, or he could just be the type that goes on a bender every few weeks/at weekends or something.

Do you think he is just trying to get rid of me im using drugs as an excuse?

Who cares? You should be the one getting rid of him. He probably feels you get in the way of his all-important druggie lifestyle. But you're useful to have around sometimes for the ego strokes, sex and company.

Sorry I am quite messed up. My self worth is on the floor and I dont know how to change myself.

Block him on everything and never speak to him again. You'll immediately feel so much better (or at least after a while.)

Original poster
pyramidhead · 07/09/2020 16:54

When we met, he told me he was an addict in recovery. But hes actually never had treatment. I thought he was genuinely happy to see me again. And the business,his friend is investing a lot of money into it so it may be viable.
I know it is so toxic. I feel like he even hates me because he much know how I feel.
I think he can go a couple of weeks maybe without drugs but as soon as he has money....and its as if he doesnt even care that I lost my job or anything.
Sorry, you all must think im mad for even caring.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/09/2020 17:00

Sorry, you all must think im mad for even caring.

Not for caring, no. But if you continue down this road, maybe. The most important thing is to work out why you are doing this. I'm betting parent but it could be something else. Then how you break the cycle.

troublingtimes · 07/09/2020 17:06

You’re not mad for caring. He’s treated you badly. The only thing you can do now is look after yourself. You need to forget him and move on. He doesn’t want to be with you. Look how he’s behaved. Get some therapy, block his number and delete him from social media

TorkTorkBam · 07/09/2020 17:08

All you write about is him.

What do you want out of life?

lazylinguist · 07/09/2020 17:13

Sorry, you all must think im mad for even caring.

Mad for caring about his problems? No. Mad to even consider being in a relationship witha drug addict or anyone regularly using hard drugs? Yes, definitely. He sounds like a total disaster area and he will bring nothing but pain and anguish to you long-term. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't rate drugs higher than you.

nevernotstruggling · 07/09/2020 17:14

This is insane. Op love in the future you will look back on this time in utter disbelief you tolerated this. Cut ties now your future self will thank you for it heartily.

When you have done that please reconnect with friends and family who love you x

Bunnymumy · 07/09/2020 17:14

It's not like you would be able to have a family with him btw, you cant have kids with a drug addict. Well, you could, but you'd have to be mental. And the social services would take them away if they cottoned on.

So what if he becomes sucsessful? You wont see a penny of that success as it will all go in drugs. Plus he'd still be a wanker.

Block all contact with him and set yourself free.

longwayoff · 07/09/2020 17:16

Friends 45 year old son recently made contact with his long estranged drug user father. 30 years since they'd last met. He went to visit him. Whilst there, his 73 year old father smoked £400 worth of crack. So no, OP, dont waste your time, find some self respect and self love and lose him. Nothing good can come of it. Users have a first love. It's not you.

Serenschintte · 07/09/2020 17:18

Do you have children together?
Stop contacting him. Instead contact a Councellor and get some help for yourself
It’s not your job to save him. But you can look after yourself so you can learn how you should be treated.
Have courage and ask a friend to help you.

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