Drug addict boyfriend, please help, im so exhausted.

[pyramidhead]

We have been together for 3 years and both in our 30s. Since he was a teenager, he took drugs, ecstasy, ketamine, coke...anything. He became a crack addict. I left him 6 months ago because he was using and treating me terribly, I hardly even saw him.
Then whilst I was away it got so bad that he had to move in with his mother as he didnt pay his rent.
His mother took out a mortgage on a house for him to pay off, as he was now apparently clean and had set up his own business. Anyway, because I thought he got clean I got back in touch after no contact for months.
And now we have met up twice and had some nice times, he seemed good.
Then last weekend it was his birthday. He half heartedly invited me to his family meal but on the day I heard nothing. I was so upset.
And then I looked on his facebook and realised on that night he met friends in my area (we dont live in the same town), without seeing me, and smoking hundreds of pounds worth of crack between them.
He was on his way to work in London a week later, and popped in my house for 10 minutes to give me 5 citalopram tablets as he was worried about me! He said hes doing so well with his business and hes too busy to see me much at the moment. And his business is going to be on TV.
Then he left for London and I gleaned from facebook that he was hours late for his job, the lady hes working for was very cross. And other people worrying about him.
Anyway, I lost my job Saturday and was very upset. I got drunk and texted him that I know he smoked crack on his birthday and hed rather see anyone but me. He said well its nothing to do with me and its over.
Yesterday I rang him and he just kept saying he loved me but i need to sort my head out, hes done nothing wrong and hes entitled to a blow out.
I just feel so bad and unloved. Ive hardly heard from him and hes been in London nearly a week. And him making out hes such a success now, whilst im the one with the issues.
Is it me in the wrong somehow? Can he get better from a drug addiction without professional help? Does he just not love me or is it the drugs?
My head feels so messed up.

He keeps you around so he can pretend to himself that he's living a normal non-addiction life. He tells himself that because he has a normal on/off relationship with a normal gf to go with his normal job and normal soon-to-be-successful business plan he's not an addict. He's created a whole fictional normal reality, which includes you (unfortunately for you) to hide his addiction from himself.

In order to perpetuate this huge lie to himself, he has to lie to you in turn about work, business plans etc etc. He can't be honest with you as his self delusion would crumble. He can't admit to himself he's an addict, so he clings to you to prop up his lies. He is prepared to hurt, confuse and use you to keep lying to himself.

You are his beard. His cover story. You an integral part of his fictional reality. You're actually enabling him to keep up this fictional reality and not face his addiction.

The best thing you can do for you is obviously to permanently leave. And leaving is the the best thing you can do for him too, and put a crack in that fictional reality.

You are so right.i have thought that for some time now. I don't even know why I have to ask sometimes.
I think he does work hard when he's on a good stretch, but then he gets money in his pocket he's off on a bender.
He does use me as a prop, taking me to family occasions etc.. but then makes out I'm the crazy one cos eventually I flip as I know I'm being constantly lied to.
He's still in London, apparently. Contact has been minimal so I presume he has people there he takes drugs with too as he's lived there before.
I need to find the strength and just cut him off.

BLOCK HIM, FFS.

You are literally wasting your life for someone who will not / cannot put your first.

End. Block. Move on.

Don't waste your thirties on someone who cannot give you the emotional security and reciprocity everyone deserves.

Time to take control of your future now. You know this is ridiculous. Time to act on it.

It is not a good woman's job to fix a 'broken' man. Stop perpetuating that belief in your behaviour. He will be fine or he won't be fine. Either way you don't need to be involved.

Time to move on.

@pyramidhead

We have been together for 3 years and both in our 30s. Since he was a teenager, he took drugs, ecstasy, ketamine, coke...anything. He became a crack addict. I left him 6 months ago because he was using and treating me terribly, I hardly even saw him. Then whilst I was away it got so bad that he had to move in with his mother as he didnt pay his rent. His mother took out a mortgage on a house for him to pay off, as he was now apparently clean and had set up his own business. Anyway, because I thought he got clean I got back in touch after no contact for months. And now we have met up twice and had some nice times, he seemed good. Then last weekend it was his birthday. He half heartedly invited me to his family meal but on the day I heard nothing. I was so upset. And then I looked on his facebook and realised on that night he met friends in my area (we dont live in the same town), without seeing me, and smoking hundreds of pounds worth of crack between them. He was on his way to work in London a week later, and popped in my house for 10 minutes to give me 5 citalopram tablets as he was worried about me! He said hes doing so well with his business and hes too busy to see me much at the moment. And his business is going to be on TV. Then he left for London and I gleaned from facebook that he was hours late for his job, the lady hes working for was very cross. And other people worrying about him. Anyway, I lost my job Saturday and was very upset. I got drunk and texted him that I know he smoked crack on his birthday and hed rather see anyone but me. He said well its nothing to do with me and its over. Yesterday I rang him and he just kept saying he loved me but i need to sort my head out, hes done nothing wrong and hes entitled to a blow out. I just feel so bad and unloved. Ive hardly heard from him and hes been in London nearly a week. And him making out hes such a success now, whilst im the one with the issues. Is it me in the wrong somehow? Can he get better from a drug addiction without professional help? Does he just not love me or is it the drugs? My head feels so messed up.

The first paragraph - tell him to fuck off and break all contact with him.

Its easier said than done but you need to walk away. He will only stop using drugs if he wants to stop using them. You will never be as important to him as his high.

That sounded a bit abrupt, sorry. You should be more important. Please don't put him first when he won't do the same for you.

Im not even anti drugs, but I wouldnt touch a crackhead with yours.

Please don't waste your time on this man.

Raise your bar so much higher.

You deserve much better.

He will not change for you. If he loved you he would treat you with respect and sort out his drug addiction.

You cannot change him. You cannot make him better. He is not your responsibility.

block him,move on

you need to do the freedom programme and never contact this low life again

Have you blocked him yet OP? Close your social media accounts for a few months too. I can tell by your posts that you'll track him on there if you block him on your phone.
You are living a half life while you obsess about him. It literally doesn't matter where he is working or who he is with. He is not your problem.

thanks for all your advice. I know ive got to do it. Ive just been trying to keep busy get out and see family etc. Spend time with the people who genuinely care for me. Ill be alright, will get myself out of it.
I dont feel like contacting him anyway, I cant continue like this or it will make me ill. Id rather be on my own, I have been anyway. Its like Ive deluded myself that it ever meant anything special.
I need to put the focus back onto myself.

I had an addict partner years ago. I left him abruptly and made clear that was the end. Once he'd lost my money pipeline, he had to confront the reality. He went through rehab and sorted himself out. Cos I stopped propping him up.

I'm sorry and I don't want to come across mean but I have friends who ran miles away when they found out their boyfriends were into drugs and you have cut him loose 6 months ago and some how inviting him back into your life? Are you joking?

There's 2 reasons why you would do this 1) you found out that he is investing into his business that is likely to be lucrative and you want to be part of that or 2) you are really gullible

Let me tell you this, if he becomes successful in business it still won't matter because he will fail it with his addiction. Never trust a addict. An addict will only come clean when they face harsh reality and generally after they've lost everything. Run to the hills and never contact him for your own well-being.

It's more just being gullible. I'm not bothered about his money but I was pleased to hear he was making a go of things and hopefully in a better place. For some reason I desperately wanted things to work out but I know sometimes I live in a fantasy world. I'm the first to admit it.
He's proved time and again he doesn't care, whether drugs are the reason or what.
Not much I can do about it.
I have been through a lot of trauma with him, terrible things went on when he was at his worst and maybe its affected me.
Kept me bonded in my mind.
Just need to set myself free of it all.
I would never go near anyone with a drug addiction usually. At first I didn't realise the seriousness of it somehow. Idk.

Sweetie, you sound so very vulnerable. You have to cut ties, it’s the only way not to get even more hurt. No one gets clean from a crack addiction on their own volition.

Good luck with the job interviews and move on with your life. Self preservation.

Thanks. I don't think he could get clean by himself either, as he doesn't even want to stop. He still wants to take drugs in his free time anyway for "fun".
He rang late last night from another number, it was 12.30am. Who calls at that time really.
I got the job thanks, feel lucky about that anyway. Start Monday.
I cant keep continuing to let this upset me.

Congratulations about the job, that’s wonderful news for you and your future!

Time to close the door and open a new one - and start living your new life!

I got the job thanks, feel lucky about that anyway. Start Monday

Great, now you have to let go of the only thing holding you back in life...

Living in a fantasy world is keeping you stuck going round in circles. You must wake up OP, and fast, before this person ruins your life. Anyone with any sense of decency would not have dragged you into this shit show in the first place.

You can't correct someone who doesn't see an issue with their behaviour, it's absolutely futile.

Please block and delete any avenues he has of contacting you, and if he does somehow manage to get through end the call immediately.

A crack addict has no place in your life OP, NONE.

I'm pretty far away from him physically anyway.
I didn't answer the call and he's not on my social media.
Seemed a weird time to call me anyway. I think he will still be taking drugs he's just manipulative. With or without drugs he's treated me like crap anyway.
I'm just trying to maintain my own interests a bit to keep myself occupied until I feel better.
And I'll be busy once I start work again.

Please block his number while you’re on this positive trajectory, OP. Drug addicts, as you know, can be incredibly manipulative. He will no doubt try all the tricks to get you back into his trap. Don’t fall for it. You did your best and you are not responsible for what happens next.

Well he's shown he couldn't give a crap, not sure why he even bothers to try and keep me on ice.
He's ok anyway I guess work is his focus plus drugs I guess.
I'm trying to stay positive. I don't really need his contact, getting used to it now.

Hi, my partner has chose drugs over me and its broke m heart. We had a wee family unit with 2 kids from previous relationships, i have never taken drugs and the thought of my partner taking them breaks my heart. We were mad about eachother then 3 months into the relationship he started using street valium, despite me offering support and love he denied ever using. Some days he couldnt even speak a clear sentence, hes took money from me behind my back, hes started to get angry with me for no reason, he is really paranoid, hes lost 2 stone in 3 months, i told him how much its hurting me and he told me just to leave, even tough we are madly in love, he is now messaging and has arranged to meet up with abother woman. I cant believe my soulmate would do that to me, he is like a stranger. He is being so heartless, putting old photos of himself on social media, speaking to women, im broken. I have a 4 year old girl and hes broke both our lives. He also got caught at work under the influence and i think he has been fired but he denies it and says he is off sick. He is a nurse for the NHS, he put on facebook yesterday asking if there were any immediate cleaning jobs available asap, he denies being fired. I have 2 months of my university degree left and im failing because of all this. I need your help. Will he realise whats has lost once he sobers up, because right now hes being so hurtful, speaking to women, putting up old handsome healthy photos from 2 years ago online, i dont even know who he is anymore. I feel so used and hurt. Thank you for listening

@GreenVibes
You are worth so much more than being treated like crap by this supposed "nurse".

Don't let this ruin your degree now as you have come so far and only have the smallest part left to go.

It hurts now but when you have got that degree and have got the job (or whatever you want to do next) you will wonder what you ever saw in him.

Take care!

You have got this!

You give the man way too much credit. You’re failing your degree because you insisted on emotionally attaching yourself to an addict. 12 weeks into the relationship you found out about his addiction and lies and instead of walking away, you chose to try and ‘fix’ him.

This isn’t about him, he’s trouble. It’s about your misplaced belief that the idolised version of him (that never really existed) could show up at anytime.