Drug addict boyfriend, please help, im so exhausted.

[pyramidhead]

We have been together for 3 years and both in our 30s. Since he was a teenager, he took drugs, ecstasy, ketamine, coke...anything. He became a crack addict. I left him 6 months ago because he was using and treating me terribly, I hardly even saw him.
Then whilst I was away it got so bad that he had to move in with his mother as he didnt pay his rent.
His mother took out a mortgage on a house for him to pay off, as he was now apparently clean and had set up his own business. Anyway, because I thought he got clean I got back in touch after no contact for months.
And now we have met up twice and had some nice times, he seemed good.
Then last weekend it was his birthday. He half heartedly invited me to his family meal but on the day I heard nothing. I was so upset.
And then I looked on his facebook and realised on that night he met friends in my area (we dont live in the same town), without seeing me, and smoking hundreds of pounds worth of crack between them.
He was on his way to work in London a week later, and popped in my house for 10 minutes to give me 5 citalopram tablets as he was worried about me! He said hes doing so well with his business and hes too busy to see me much at the moment. And his business is going to be on TV.
Then he left for London and I gleaned from facebook that he was hours late for his job, the lady hes working for was very cross. And other people worrying about him.
Anyway, I lost my job Saturday and was very upset. I got drunk and texted him that I know he smoked crack on his birthday and hed rather see anyone but me. He said well its nothing to do with me and its over.
Yesterday I rang him and he just kept saying he loved me but i need to sort my head out, hes done nothing wrong and hes entitled to a blow out.
I just feel so bad and unloved. Ive hardly heard from him and hes been in London nearly a week. And him making out hes such a success now, whilst im the one with the issues.
Is it me in the wrong somehow? Can he get better from a drug addiction without professional help? Does he just not love me or is it the drugs?
My head feels so messed up.

Thats what worries me. Maybe he will still be doing it years from now, the chances of that look high.
Im going to try to focus on myself. Ive got a lot going for me and I need to realise that. Its actions not words I need to look at.
Thanks for all your perspectives.

It sounds like he’s had a drug problem for sometime. People can get better but they have to want to get better and commit to that process, it doesn’t sound like he is committed.

It must feel really awful, hearing him say you have an issue, I think he’s deflecting his issues onto you here. I also think that his ‘amazing’ business is a pretence - ‘look at me! Look how great my life is!’ It doesn’t really sound that amazing does it? Angry customers and all.
I don’t know if he loves you, addictions can make people incredible selfish and there minds warped. I do know he isn’t showing you love and I don’t imagine he’ll be able to as long as he has an addiction, his mind won’t have space for anything else.
I hope you’re able to step away from this man and realise that the only issues you have are the ones he’s projecting onto you x

My self worth is on the floor and I dont know how to change myself.

The first step is blocking this man.

I'm sure you've posted about this before...

Being successful and being a crack addict are not compatible states of being, surely you know this. On top of this would you really want to parent with someone who steals your formula money to buy crack!!?

If you already have children you are at risk of them being removed if you carry on this relationship.

Aim higher in life OP for the love of christ!

This is the time to walk away from him. He’s told you to.

Yeah it’s hard. Yeah you miss him. Yeah you might feel lonely or unloved. We’ve all been there.

But you will feel so much better in a few months time when you have your own life and it’s good.

You don’t need him. In fact he’s making you the way you are. I bet you were way better before you met him?

Do you have friends? Hang with them. Get your life sorted. He will not get sorted.

He loves drugs not you.

He will never love you.

You hear me. Never.

He lied about drug treatment.

He ignored you and made excuses.

He’s told you he doesn’t want you.

Take a hint.

You can rise above this. You deserve better and to be happy. Take a deep breath. You can do this. Now block him on all devices. Have faith in yourself. There’s a better guy out there for you. You won’t meet him if you’re with that loser.

For christ's sake, do not bring kids into this car crash

Sorry, you all must think im mad for even caring.

No, I bet most of us have been attracted to/cared about/loved someone dodgy at some point. What matters is what you do about it (block permanently etc) and how quickly you do it.

He doesn’t love you.

Far more importantly, you don’t love yourself.

You are so much more than this. Your best bet would be to skip dating for awhile and really focus on personal growth.

My sister dated a guy who turned out to be a heroin addict. Apparently he had received treatment and had some kind of implant and was no longer using. Apart from he was. I very much warned her about her possessions, her money etc but sadly she didn’t listen to me and he would steal from her and take her car and Fuck off for hours. Eventually I called his mother to tell her that he was using again. She paid £3k for a weeks private rehab which sadly led my sister to believe that he was “ cured”. He was not cured and the trouble continued. Eventually he beat her up and stole a very significant possession that our family had to get back through the courts. This man was a TEACHER

You cannot fix him. You cannot fix him. You cannot fix him. Keep telling yourself. I dare say he has potential to be a great guy but in the grip of addiction he will argue that night is day if it gets him what he wants. Families collude because they want to believe.

Don't let him move in with you if he asks.

No kids, and no fear of me letting him move in with me.
I'm just at a low ebb, I just lost my job and I could feel he had no empathy for me. I feel things too much maybe but I can't help how I am.
He tells me it's over but in the next breath he says he wants a future for us. I know that can never happen.
I know I don't need him. I enjoy his company but at the same time I know he lies.
I've got two job interviews, my own home and car so things arent so bad.
He can get on with whatever he does.
From what I understand crack is a powerful drug yet he says he has no cravings for it as now he takes citallopram, prescribed for depression as I don't think he told his GP about the drugs.
I am worth better. I will just keep trying to remind myself of that.

Btw OP, if he keeps on with the SSRI and uses it with crack and whatever selection of pharmaceuticals come to hand, he'll eventually have a reaction that won't be pleasant. Do not hang around for this, you may well be on the receiving end of it. Lose him. You sound very depressed. Concentrate on yourself, his needs are a distraction from looking at your own life. Get some counselling.

It doesn't sound like he's taking the citalopram properly if he thinks giving you five tablets would work in any way. You have to take it daily for months for it to have an effect. You taking five tablets would do nothing.

Except give you some unpleasant side effects.

Tough love here. You are the problem. Not him. You are the person who needs fixing. Not him. Let me explain why. He is not your problem to fix. He's a crack addict and has chosen his path. What is VERY wrong here is that you're trying to get on his path with him. Get the f**k off! Do not give this man one more thought or drop of energy. All of the questions you ask about his business etc and nonsense. Concentrate on getting help for yourself instead. In any form - your GP, counseling, self-help books, the Freedom Programme, family support. Whatever will keep you on your own path. Get off Facebook. You don't need it. Block him. Give your head a wobble. Life is precious. Are you really going to waste yours? No, block him and move on today.

I know, I wouldn't take an unprescribed SSRI med, I doubt he takes them properly. It's all a facade. He was giving them to his 21 year old brother too.
I realise I am the problem. For some reason I havent let go of him when I should have so long ago.
I read a lot of self help books and I Kind of understand the situation but haven't quite got out of it. He is toxic to me as each time I'm near him I get these doubts and uneasy feelings. And I try to ignore it.
I had a strange upbringing with not much love in ways and I think it makes me cling to crappy people.
I don't know why it hurts so much to let go of toxicity.

Is the problem that without him there is just emptiness? You haven't talked about all the other things going on in your life: friends, hobbies, work, training, volunteering, education. Is that because you don't have enough going on there? I would recommend filling your life up with good stuff and then I expect the attraction to his attention and supposed status will disappear.

I just finished my degree and was working for 3 months but I'm in healthcare and due to covid19 they couldn't keep me on.
And all through lockdown I was alone. Kinda by choice as I'm an introvert but anyway.
I've an interview tomorrow and also applied for a completely unrelated graduate job so will see what happens there.
I do feel emptiness through. I don't feel like society/life makes me feel whole and it's hard to explain.
I have phases where I'm good and then I can spiral for a couple of weeks. The doctor said it was anxiety but sometimes I feel it's more. Maybe something missing spiritually but I haven't figured it out yet.

I have a small handful of friends but that's enough. And I'm close to my sister.

Omg why are you wasting your time on this total loser

Crack?? Honestly?? Drop this guy. Really. Drug addicts are very very tedious.

Maybe try some volunteering work in the community or something like that so you are giving back and engaging with society and thus feel less detached from the world (you sound detached)

Poor you OP, not a nice situation to be in.

I dont know of this helps at all...I do think it's possible to have a relationship in recovery but it's probably more likely to not work than work. I was in recovery when I met DP and we're still together 5 years on, but I think there were a lot of factors working together which made it possible...for a start when I say in recovery I mean Outpatient treatment. Addiction is generally poorly understood even by addicts and you badly need medical advice/treatment. The stats show cold turkey unsupervised rarely works. Also I was honest with DP from the start and he was quite clear he wouldn't put up with me lying to him about using and if I was caught out lying it'd be over. He supported my recovery emotionally but it was very much still MY journey and responsibility - he did not take it as his "job" to remind me to go to appointments or overindulge me when I was feeling sorry for myself... He supported me but didn't save me. And of course the main factor of course was that I so very badly wanted to stop.

I obviously don't know your man but to me it doesn't sound like he's serious about recovery tbh. And citalopram on its own isn't a magic bullet for hard drugs cravings that's just ridiculous.

Sorry pal but it sounds a lot like you'll get badly hurt if you keep trying with this one

OP, wtf, he's a crack addict. Chuck him, block him, leave him very far away from your life.

It's not about if he loves you or not. He will destroy his life through his addiction... if you're anywhere near him he will destroy yours too. Razed Earth policy.

He will not be successful or on TV. what he will be is a drug addict who constantly drops you or lets you down. He's hoping that he can keep you hooked by saying these things. It's hard enough to be successful and on TV when you are not smacked up. Let him go and focus on you

Thank you.
I know he doesn't want to stop. He thinks it's ok to have blowouts even if he's an addict. I used to try to help him with appointments etc but of course it didn't work.
It's quite clear he doesn't care about me and it's something I must face up to.
He keeps me hanging on for some reason but maybe that's just me deluding myself.
I know he is a liar and has no empathy, at least not for me.
I'm going to try and work on myself. Somehow.