Where are all the decent men?

[Hellokitty198]

Another failed relationship with a twat.

About to give up. But I can’t. Im mid 30s and want a loving supportive husband and family.

Help.

@Dazzedandconfused

My friend and I was talking about this earlier! We agreed that good guys in their 30s are probably taken so we should probably extend our search to 40 somethings as they may be recently separated or divorced by then

Yes but we have kids and are tied down financially for the kids sake! Its just as hard for us!

Pah! You spring chicken, late 40's - still looking, though has been fun at times along the way. I think we buy into an ideal, which is not mostly the reality. I'd guess happily married family unit is very much minority. Blended new unit, unhappy but still a unit and doing it on your own making most numbers up.

They do exist but of course they're mostly taken as there's so few of them they're quickly snapped up.

I know a few - all taken unfortunately

I'm single by choice, to a degree.

I have serious mental illness and I just think it wouldn't be fair to burden someone else with the challenges of being in a relationship with so much baggage.

I had a relationship a long time ago that was starting to look potentially successful, but then the issue of children came up, I had dd but he didn't have any children of his own at this point (both early 30's). I can't have any more dc medically and at first he thought he was ok with that but as time went on he felt he did want children of his own so we reached an impasse really and sadly decided to go our separate ways. He met a lovely woman about a year later and they're now happily married with 2 dc.

But yes it's also because I have tried various dating methods and found it is seriously slim pickings out there.

And not just men! I'm bi and a lot of women that are bi/gay aren't interested in women with dc, or there's other issues just as there are in het relationships, maybe not the same issues necessarily but there's certainly just as many bi/gay women who are slobs, poor with finances etc

@Wondersense There are such agencies in existence but they are of course very expensive to use as doing all that research and assessment takes a lot of effort and know how

Well one is married to me. TBH I have known lots of "decent men" most men I have met are decent.

I think many women spend their 20s walking straight past decent men (they don't even notice them) and straight into the arms of total arseholes.

They then get to their 30s and moan they are no decent men.

I'm married but if things hadn't worked out between us I doubt I'd have met anyone else. I've no idea where you find them.

Not many around. Especially not good looking ones.

There are lots of decent men around just like there are lots of decent women around.

But the attractive, successful, great personality (and whatever else women find very appealing in men) types are snapped by the time they’re thirty odd.

This is just simple supply and demand. Any great catches (male or female) don’t stay single for long.

It does seem to me like there are more decent women. I've met far more good single women who seem like they would make decent life partners than men.

I found mine as his wife cheated on and left him for another man (a man who turned out to be abusive)

They are out there but I agree there are not many and the single ones get snapped up quickly!

My DD2 (29 at the time) met a lovely man on Match - and yesterday, almost two years to the day when they first met in a particular place, he took her back to that place and they got engaged. They love each other so much and are so happy - buying a house together with plans to marry next year.

It took time to get going, though. From what I see on here, people set a lot of store by 'spark' and 'attraction' on the first date and don't take things further if they don't feel it on first sight. DD'd be the first to say that took time to develop and she didn''t feel it at first - but because he was a kind, decent person and they were very compatible and had fun doing things together, it was worth giving it time to see - and as they became closer it did happen

We've got a friend who had success in her early 30s on OLD - now happily married with two children - so it can work and I hope it does for you at some point, OP

No suggestions, sorry. Perhaps only the awful ones are left unmarried.

Thankfully I already have my family (from someone who turned out to be cold, controlling and completely dishonest).

I have to live with the knowledge that I have given my dc such a father but I am free of him now and I make sure we have a good life.

I'll cope with being single if it means I don't have to OLD.

ok, to turn this conversation around a little, where would a decent man in his very late 40's who's (hopefully) not hideous looking, and wants to find a warm and loving relationship, go if he were available?
(asking for a friend obviously ;-) )

Rugby club, shooting club, cycling, sailing, other sports clubs. If he's single and not a lounge lizard, he'll be relying on the company of his male friends I guess.

Wine shop, village pub, spending time with wider family - so networking required. Gigs (when they were allowed). Work (still the basis for 40% of marriages).

Singles holidays like skiing or Scuba. Or tech/gaming events maybe. Taking his kids from past marriage to soft play/school Saturday morning football.

interesting list! if it helps, it's equally hard for us blokes to find a good woman as it is for you to find a decent guy. But we are out there, as i'm sure you are yourselves. Unfortunately the current Covid situation means socialising isn't exactly an option, so it's trawling the drudgery that is OLD for now and hoping to see a glint in someones' eye!

The stories I've heard about OLD it must surely be the devil's work. Along with Facebook.

I have been talking to a man who seems
Nice and kept liking me so I thought give the man a chance
now I wonder what to ask him to weed out any possible incompatible things
The last man I dated was full of himself it's put me off but I have to let that go I guess
I would love a psychological questionnaire to casually ask over the week

I've often wondered about this.

I think the big issue here is a disconnect in how we choose people we want to explore a relationship with against what we want ultimately a relationship to be.

We all (most of us anyway) initially look at someone and decide if we fancy them and then on that basis we go forward. This absolutely has to be the worst way to select a partner as it doesn't give any clues as to what they're like as a person. Even worse, someone we don't immediately 'fancy' doesn't even get a look in, no matter how lovely a partner they would make.

Maybe we should be brave and give the ones we don't immediately fancy a chance? Would be a fun experiment if nothing else.

This is why I don't get the friendzone thing. A lot of the more successful partnerships I see are people who did start as friends. I think if you don't at least like someone enough to be friends with them it's unlikely to be a good long term relationship.

I have a friend who is keen to meet someone and settle down (late 30s).

She is a very good catch: attractive, solvent, degree from a top uni, self-employed in a glamorous industry.

There is no obvious reason that she's not meeting a range of eligible bachelors.

However, if she were to ask me straight why dates aren't turning into relationships, I would be very honest and tell her that she has many outstanding qualities, but she comes across as dismissive and uninterested. It's probably a defence mechanism, but she is always 'Elevenerife-ing', rarely asks anyone about themselves and it's basically all about her. She always has to be top dog in conversation and her responses don't give you insight into her as a person.

Of course I'm not saying this is you, OP, but if I were in the dating game, I would be aiming to meet lots of different people in different situations (knackering and impossible, I know) and just aiming for friendship and shared interests in the first instance.

That's a really interesting point @TobyHouseMan, I was married for 20 years to a man I never really found attractive but because he was a decent kind person and we had things in common it worked for a while. Ultimately though I needed more - if that attraction is not there in the beginning it will always show eventually I think.

@Boxerman I feel for decent men on OLD, there are so many sleaze bags I think you all get tarred with the same brush. Mind you I've been told women can be as bad in a different way. It's a nightmare all round but like you I have no idea where else to meet people especially just now.

I'm hoping to dip a toe in the dating waters next year. Would love to find a decent 50 something bloke, but would settle for a toyboy in their late 40s, too.

They exist but fly off the shelf very quickly. You have to get yourself in there when one becomes available.

As said above, you also have to know what to look for. Far too many women go by looks/type/lust - i.e. the "bad boy" exciting type and are deluded into thinking they can change them or are blind to their faults.

They need to get over that (which really should be have been left behind in their teenage years) and start looking for a long term life-partner, i.e. loyal, kind, etc - rather than who turns them on!

You also need to look in the "right" places. You're always going to find the same type of bloke if you look in the same places, i.e. pub, OLD, etc. The "hidden gems" are found in different places as they're probably the ones who wouldn't be chatting up women in pubs in the first place!

"Good" blokes are hard to find. But don't forget the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. You need to "look" in different places and look for "different" types.

I think you have to fancy someone to be honest, there has to be some physical chemistry there in the first instance which will hopefully always remain. But more importantly in the long term is an emotional attractiveness, somebody who makes you feel good about yourself and wanted and valued as both a person and a partner. I think too many of us (and i for one have been guilty of this in the past) get into a relationship and stop making effort, just getting on with the daily grind. The smallest gestures, such as a reassuring hand on the back of the neck, can make such a huge difference to your mood! (oops i appear to have wandered off topic a bit!) How you look for these qualities on OLD i've frankly no idea

Rugby clubs are not ideal as most blokes playing are under 30 and are still in the getting pissed up after a match on a Saturday phase of their lives. Rowing clubs are not a bad start, sign up to a learn to row course and meet people that way. The low impact nature of the sport lends itself to people participating in it well into their 60s. Lots of 30 and 40 something fit blokes. Not so good for a lie in at weekends though. Go to the Lisdoonvarna dating Festival in Ireland. Find yourself a farmer!