We don't go out locally - why?

Nat1966 · 2020-09-07T09:50:00+00:00

Hello, I hope someone can give me an honest opinion on this. To cut a long story short, I had reason to ask my husband if he was developing feelings for another woman he has known for several years. He denies that he has. I don't want to go into the details of why I had cause to ask. However through thinking about this problem I now realise that for quite some time (ignoring lock-down which explains itself) we have not gone out locally as a couple. I am talking years, not months. I know that it sounds insane that I have only just realised this. I guess because we do go out on when on trips and holidays further afield that I haven't really picked up on it. The closest to home I can remember in the last few years was probably a pub about 30 miles away. There are plenty of nice pubs near us but my husband never seems to want to go. My brain has been a bit frazzled this year but I'm beginning to wonder why he doesn't want to go out locally. Any thoughts? I have a couple of theories.

TwentyViginti · 07/09/2020 10:53

Because he's spun some spiel to this woman that you are separated? So he can't risk her or her friends/family seeing you together?

If she's also local, I mean.

ReasonablyUnreasonable · 07/09/2020 10:58

My DP told me that when he went on his first date with the mother of his daughter, she wanted to go to a restaurant in a different town. Transpires that she hadn't actually broken up with the father of her eldest daughter... she did then do so the next day, after deciding she wanted to continue dating my now DP.

It may be a bit of a jump to think your DH is taking another woman out on dates in the town you live in.. Maybe he just thinks you have run out of things to do in your own town so wants to take you out elsewhere for new experiences xx

dollypartonscoat · 07/09/2020 11:00

I suspect the bits you won't go into would help us clear this up better for you. No point asking if you are missing out important facts

MagMell · 07/09/2020 11:01

It sounds like a bit of a leap to me.

LolaSmiles · 07/09/2020 11:03

It seems like a big leap to not go out locally with you because another woman is on the scene. Surely, if he was having an affair he'd take the other woman out further away because there's a risk of bumping into your mutual friends close to home.

HollowTalk · 07/09/2020 11:03

What's he like with his phone?

Bunnymumy · 07/09/2020 11:11

I dobt think it's a leap at all. You have had reason to believe he likes someone else. So much so that you've asked him. And your gut tells you he soesnt want to go out locally because she us on the scene. And he has probably told her that you two are 'just together for the kids' or similar shite.

Usually the gut feelingis right.

I'd start asking him out places. See how he reacts.

Also, you could message the other woman. Make it seem unassuming, like 'hey my partner talks about you a lot, says you're a good mate. I thought it might be nice to have coffee sometime?'

Her response would maybe clarify things.
Obv though bare in mind it may be relationship ending one way or another...so maybe be sure he is up to something with her first.

Original poster

Nat1966 · 07/09/2020 11:13

@TwentyViginti

Because he's spun some spiel to this woman that you are separated? So he can't risk her or her friends/family seeing you together?

If she's also local, I mean.

Spinning some spiel was one of my theories. Not sure about the separated part though. Yes she is local. She and I never have cause to encounter each other. Only recently, on a lock-down walk I saw her from a distance and she did a double-take at us. At the time I got the feeling she was looking to see who he was with. My husband either didn't see her or pretended he hadn't seen her and I didn't say anything. I'm not usually paranoid, it just felt off.

OP posts:

Livandme · 07/09/2020 11:15

Why dont you just tell him you've booked x place for tomorrow and see his reaction? Surely that will tell you

TwentyViginti · 07/09/2020 11:15

Ah, sounds dodgy as fuck now.

Dery · 07/09/2020 11:21

"She and I never have cause to encounter each other. Only recently, on a lock-down walk I saw her from a distance and she did a double-take at us. At the time I got the feeling she was looking to see who he was with. My husband either didn't see her or pretended he hadn't seen her and I didn't say anything. I'm not usually paranoid, it just felt off."

This is very strange. After all, he's married to you. It's one thing to take an OW on dates out of town but I'm just wondering how sustainable it is for him to avoid being seen out and about with his wife. Is he frequently absent from home without obvious explanation?

Original poster

Nat1966 · 07/09/2020 11:23

@ReasonablyUnreasonable

My DP told me that when he went on his first date with the mother of his daughter, she wanted to go to a restaurant in a different town. Transpires that she hadn't actually broken up with the father of her eldest daughter... she did then do so the next day, after deciding she wanted to continue dating my now DP.

It may be a bit of a jump to think your DH is taking another woman out on dates in the town you live in.. Maybe he just thinks you have run out of things to do in your own town so wants to take you out elsewhere for new experiences xx

No, I don't think he is taking out another woman on dates. It could be that he's bored of our town but he's never said as much.

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LolaSmiles · 07/09/2020 11:24

This is very strange. After all, he's married to you. It's one thing to take an OW on dates out of town but I'm just wondering how sustainable it is for him to avoid being seen out and about with his wife. Is he frequently absent from home without obvious explanation?
That's what I was thinking.

Surely the married couple with children would have mutual friends, colleagues, their children will have friends etc in the area close to home.
Hiding your wife close to home because you're going out on dates with another woman makes no sense at all.

His behaviour sounds dodgy but it doesn't make sense.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/09/2020 11:26

I think that when folk start asking these questions, they usually know the answers.

Original poster

Nat1966 · 07/09/2020 11:31

@dollypartonscoat

I suspect the bits you won't go into would help us clear this up better for you. No point asking if you are missing out important facts

Sorry, you're right. I can see how it might help knowing why I had cause to ask him.

I read some texts between them. I didn't know they texted. It was just normal friendly stuff asking how they were etc during lock-down. It struck me that I wasn't mentioned once during the thread. They mentioned her husband, her family members, our children, even our dog for Christ's sake. Zilch about me. Like I didn't exist.

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dottiedodah · 07/09/2020 11:35

Seems a little bit sus TBH! If he doesnt want to go out locally it probably means he is not wanting to be spotted by anyone when out and about! I am sorry to say that if you have not been mentioned at all does she even know you exist ?

Original poster

Nat1966 · 07/09/2020 11:52

@LolaSmiles

This is very strange. After all, he's married to you. It's one thing to take an OW on dates out of town but I'm just wondering how sustainable it is for him to avoid being seen out and about with his wife. Is he frequently absent from home without obvious explanation? That's what I was thinking.

Surely the married couple with children would have mutual friends, colleagues, their children will have friends etc in the area close to home.
Hiding your wife close to home because you're going out on dates with another woman makes no sense at all.

His behaviour sounds dodgy but it doesn't make sense.

Last year a very old friend of ours came round briefly - can't remember what for. I hadn't seen him in years. The first thing he said when he saw me in the garden was 'that's where you've been hiding her'.

It doesn't make any sense but at the same time I don't feel brave enough to ask anyone in real life in case I come across as loon.

OP posts:

dollypartonscoat · 07/09/2020 11:52

How does he know her? How did it come about that he was texting her?

Dery · 07/09/2020 13:17

This does all sound rather strange. Does he spend a great deal of time out and about without you? If not - if you're at home together most of the time - I struggle to see what benefit he would gain from trying to deny your existence.

Tbh, I don't always mention my husband in communications but I talk about my DCs and sometimes our pets if they've done anything particularly entertaining. So I don't know how much you can read into that. Perhaps he just thinks that if he refers to his children, she will assume he has a partner? That's what I tend to assume if someone refers to their children.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/09/2020 13:22

Just book a night out locally and see what he says

I'm sorry to ask this but have you put on weight since you married? I only ask because my cunt of an ex husband was embarresed to be seen out with me after I put on weight giving birth to his 3 kids lol.

nolovelost · 07/09/2020 13:29

He pretended that he didn't see her - huge red flag! I think your gut could be right. I would dig deeper.

user1481840227 · 07/09/2020 14:36

Does he have any kind of anxiety or anything?
I know quite a few people with anxiety that don't really like being out and about in their local area that much and would much rather go out places where they don't see people they know.