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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nothing back :(

55 replies

Desperadododo · 06/09/2020 00:12

I devote myself to those I love, Possibly my downfall, I spend alot of my life thinking how I can help my other half, improve his life, fix his issues, make him happy. I put him first. I think about his needs and wants. We do not live together. I don’t try to control him or nag him, I don’t get jealous. I spend more money on him than I do on myself.

Tonight it just hit me (due to his behaviour) he doesn’t put me first, he doesn’t obviously feel the same, despite him protesting he doesn’t, I feel so unloved, and unheard. I’m devastated. How do I move past this?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2020 00:21

You move past this by moving on from him and finding a partner who deserves you and treats you equally. Don't waste another day.

Anordinarymum · 06/09/2020 00:21

Stop trying to fix him would be a start

Weenurse · 06/09/2020 00:29

Move on

IllustriousToad · 06/09/2020 00:43

I had this with my ex. Unfortunately he will never put you first. You need to leave and put yourself first for a change.

Pantsomime · 06/09/2020 00:44

Fix your needs not his - move on and leave him

JamieLeeCurtains · 06/09/2020 00:45

Well you've spotted this about yourself, so that's a good start.

Anordinarymum · 06/09/2020 00:46

OP maybe he does not put you first because you don't. Men are like children and need to be shown the way especially men whose mothers have fawned over them and waited on them hand and foot

MusicTeacherSussex · 06/09/2020 00:50

OP you sound like a lovely generous person. Please find someone who appreciates that and gives back, not because they have to, but because they want to. They DO exist, although rare. I promise x

SoulofanAggron · 06/09/2020 01:06

Bin.

And you might like the book 'The Disease to Please.' www.amazon.co.uk/Disease-Please-Curing-People-Pleasing-Syndrome/dp/0071385649?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 You're just as important as anyone else- if not more to you because you're you. You have to live through your body and mind so you need them to be well and ideally happy. Smile

Don't put any man before yourself. Fill your own cup first, as they say.

Decide what you want and don't want and act accordingly. Only you are living your life.

rvby · 06/09/2020 02:44

Op perhaps you need to start unpacking why you might be attracted to a man who demands so much care, but doesn't think to reciprocate.

Ultimately there are two types of relationships - partnerships and projects.

When youre with a partner, everything is reciprocated. It's natural, easy, and it just works. Life is better for both partners. They contribute to each others health and happiness in a very smooth, harmonious way.

When youre with a project, it's work. Hard work. It feels good for a while, and then one day you realize you've nothing left to give - and you suddenly see that they may even be irritated that you can't keep giving! You realise that they've assigned you the role of their caregiver, and they don't offer anything in return.

Your relationship sounds like a project, not a partnership. Ask yourself why, and how you can avoid the same situation in future.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/09/2020 02:47

What made you so small Desperadododo?

If you treat yourself as important you will attract a partner who believes that. If you behave like everyone is more important than you, guess what?

Dump and do some work on yourself. I'm guessing it's family issues.

Leafy12 · 06/09/2020 10:44

Sorry to say but it has dawned on me recently that trying to fix someone or 'improve' them IS controlling them. They are one and the same. That's not your role.

NotThatStrange · 06/09/2020 11:16

OP, block and move on! It's the only way people like that will ever learn. Some people were raised badly that in life they should be given. These people do not understands the law of reciprocity.

gurglebelly · 06/09/2020 12:38

@Desperadododo

I devote myself to those I love, Possibly my downfall, I spend alot of my life thinking how I can help my other half, improve his life, fix his issues, make him happy. I put him first. I think about his needs and wants. We do not live together. I don’t try to control him or nag him, I don’t get jealous. I spend more money on him than I do on myself.

Tonight it just hit me (due to his behaviour) he doesn’t put me first, he doesn’t obviously feel the same, despite him protesting he doesn’t, I feel so unloved, and unheard. I’m devastated. How do I move past this?

Sorry but that is a deeply unhealthy attitude to relationships - I'd suggest that instead of trying to fix him, you focus on yourself.
edwinbear · 06/09/2020 14:34

Last Christmas, I bought a thoughtful, expensive present for a man I’d been seeing for 3 months. I earn well, so the expense really wasn’t an issue, it was something he’d mentioned when we were out one night and perfect for him. We didn’t spend Christmas together so I spent the whole day waiting for a message from him acknowledging it and I had hoped would have made him happy. It never came. I asked on Boxing Day if he hadn’t liked it and would he like me to exchange it for something else - he admitted he’d forgotten all about it and hadn’t opened it.

There followed months of me arranging nice things to do, suggesting holidays/weekends away etc and just generally trying to make him happy. He frequently stood me up, cancelled last minute and ignored me. Everything took priority over me, work, his family, golf, trips to the pub, I was his very last resort when he really couldn’t find anything to do. It hurts, but you have to just walk away.

category12 · 06/09/2020 14:46

@Desperadododo

I devote myself to those I love, Possibly my downfall, I spend alot of my life thinking how I can help my other half, improve his life, fix his issues, make him happy. I put him first. I think about his needs and wants. We do not live together. I don’t try to control him or nag him, I don’t get jealous. I spend more money on him than I do on myself.

Tonight it just hit me (due to his behaviour) he doesn’t put me first, he doesn’t obviously feel the same, despite him protesting he doesn’t, I feel so unloved, and unheard. I’m devastated. How do I move past this?

Thing is, you treat him like he's so much more important than you are, and needs so much more than you do - and he believes it and accepts it as his due. He's not grateful or appreciative, he sees it as the way it should be. He doesn't see why it should be a two-way street.
ChristmasFluff · 06/09/2020 15:19

"When you put others first, you teach them to put you second."

Relationships are not meant to be like this, and it is unhealthy to devote yourself to another person this way. I get it, I really do - my relationships used to be my life. A relationship with a sociopath made it very plain that I had a lot of work to do on myself.

If there is a CoDA group near you, you might find it really helpful. Also Melody Beattie's book 'codependent no more'. As someone said upthread, this type of behaviour is an attempt to control underneath it all. Not a conscious thing, but that is why you are upset you are 'getting nothing back' - he's broken the unspoken bargain you have made - 'I will put you first, before my own needs, and so you will show you love me by doing the same'.

You will be so much happier when you are tending to your own needs and wants first. When you are loving yourself, relationships lose their 'be all and end all' hold over your life. It's amazingly freeing.

rvby · 06/09/2020 16:32

@Leafy12

Sorry to say but it has dawned on me recently that trying to fix someone or 'improve' them IS controlling them. They are one and the same. That's not your role.
This is soooooo true. "Fixing" behavior is controlling/dominating in sheep's clothing!!
Original poster
Desperadododo · 06/09/2020 17:27

Thanks for all your replies.

I hadn’t actually seen my behaviour as controlling but perhaps that’s correct. It’s not my underlying intention to control him though. I love him and want to make sure he’s ok. It will be things like paying to fix his car that he can’t afford to. Sourcing things he needs /wants to buy cheaper to save him money. Making him pack lunches if he’s staying over before work.

I’ll have a read of those links and maybe work on me first and foremost. Thank you

OP posts:
MaeveDidIt · 06/09/2020 17:59

Personally I don't think it is a control thing but I do think It's time to stop.

You're making yourself look unworthy and pathetic (sorry it is harsh).

He on the other hand is a taker and will just keep on taking.

Wasting time flogging a dead horse is time you could be using to meet someone who genuinely loves and cares about you.

Original poster
Desperadododo · 06/09/2020 18:18

I think co dependancy might ring true a little. Which is quite upsetting to realise.

When we were good we were so good, but it’s become more one sided and caretaker based lately. I think I need to step back and work on me.

Appreciate all the replies. Thank you

OP posts:
category12 · 06/09/2020 18:38

It will be things like paying to fix his car that he can’t afford to. Sourcing things he needs /wants to buy cheaper to save him money. Making him pack lunches if he’s staying over before work.

You're treating him like a child, not an equal.

anotherdisaster · 06/09/2020 18:41

Someone once told me that you can't get upset when people don't behave the same way you do. Everyone has different expectations from their relationships and that includes friendships too. I often think I am way more supportive than some of my friends but instead of getting annoyed I just have to accept that's the way it is.
Sounds like you're annoyed your DP doesn't have the same values as you and that doesn't necessarily make him in the wrong. You need to evaluate whether you are too focussed on him or if he's not giving you what you need.

Original poster
Desperadododo · 06/09/2020 20:02

@category12

It will be things like paying to fix his car that he can’t afford to. Sourcing things he needs /wants to buy cheaper to save him money. Making him pack lunches if he’s staying over before work.

You're treating him like a child, not an equal.

Yes I do see that is how it looks. I do like helping people though. I do things like this for friends and family too not just him, and I’ve done this for years. I would pay my mums gas and electric bills I saw left out, when I was 17/18 when I was at home but working and she was struggling. it’s not intended to parent anyone, just help. It comes from love and just part of who I am.
OP posts:
Original poster
Desperadododo · 06/09/2020 20:04

@anotherdisaster

Someone once told me that you can't get upset when people don't behave the same way you do. Everyone has different expectations from their relationships and that includes friendships too. I often think I am way more supportive than some of my friends but instead of getting annoyed I just have to accept that's the way it is. Sounds like you're annoyed your DP doesn't have the same values as you and that doesn't necessarily make him in the wrong. You need to evaluate whether you are too focussed on him or if he's not giving you what you need.
You’re right! And he’s not necessarily in the wrong. I just needed one thing yesterday and it hurt me when that didn’t happen.

I need to reset my expectations.

OP posts: