Nothing back :(

[Desperadododo]

I devote myself to those I love, Possibly my downfall, I spend alot of my life thinking how I can help my other half, improve his life, fix his issues, make him happy. I put him first. I think about his needs and wants. We do not live together. I don’t try to control him or nag him, I don’t get jealous. I spend more money on him than I do on myself.

Tonight it just hit me (due to his behaviour) he doesn’t put me first, he doesn’t obviously feel the same, despite him protesting he doesn’t, I feel so unloved, and unheard. I’m devastated. How do I move past this?

@rvby

Op perhaps you need to start unpacking why you might be attracted to a man who demands so much care, but doesn't think to reciprocate.

Ultimately there are two types of relationships - partnerships and projects.

When youre with a partner, everything is reciprocated. It's natural, easy, and it just works. Life is better for both partners. They contribute to each others health and happiness in a very smooth, harmonious way.

When youre with a project, it's work. Hard work. It feels good for a while, and then one day you realize you've nothing left to give - and you suddenly see that they may even be irritated that you can't keep giving! You realise that they've assigned you the role of their caregiver, and they don't offer anything in return.

Your relationship sounds like a project, not a partnership. Ask yourself why, and how you can avoid the same situation in future.

Good advice Good analogy

Yes I do see that is how it looks. I do like helping people though. I do things like this for friends and family too not just him, and I’ve done this for years. I would pay my mums gas and electric bills I saw left out, when I was 17/18 when I was at home but working and she was struggling. it’s not intended to parent anyone, just help. It comes from love and just part of who I am.

Does this strategy work for you?
Are all your friendships, family & past relationships, well-balanced and reciprocal? Or do you often come away feeling like you're the giver in relationships?

I think you would probably really benefit from looking into co-dependence and your rescuer tendencies.

I think it's interesting that in your next post, you went on to say you need to "reset your expectations"? So you're actually going to downgrade your expectations from your partner, rather than have boundaries and ask for what you need?

It's like a full-on martyr complex you've got going on.

I'd be curious to know what the one thing you needed from him was. I bet it was what most people would see as a basic.

I would pay my mums gas and electric bills I saw left out, when I was 17/18 when I was at home but working and she was struggling.
This was you parenting, too. Sounds like you had a difficult childhood and were forced into the role of the parent? And perhaps martyring yourself was one of your only means of trying to get love or attention?

Did you get anything back from your mum?

Desperadododo

What do you get out of this relationship now?. I am also curious to know what the one thing you needed from him was. I would think this is actually a base line requirement too.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Who taught you to be codependent in relationships also; it was likely your mother. You do not mention your dad at all here; is he in your life at all these days?.

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, any relationship actually. Neither approach works. This man too was never a project/fixer upper nor yours to rescue and or save.

I would urge you to read the resources that other posters have put on their posts along with reading "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie and "Women who love too much" by Dr Robin Norwood.

@ravenmum

I would pay my mums gas and electric bills I saw left out, when I was 17/18 when I was at home but working and she was struggling. This was you parenting, too. Sounds like you had a difficult childhood and were forced into the role of the parent? And perhaps martyring yourself was one of your only means of trying to get love or attention?

Did you get anything back from your mum?

You are correct, I didn’t have an ideal childhood. I had to grow up pretty quick. It wasn’t the worst though, people have it far worse! My mum was loving and put her children before herself though.

I read your post this morning but been trying to think it through, I agree but I’m really struggling to comprehend who I am and how I behave in what I thought was a positive way, is actually negative and I’m quite damaged and not normal.

Appreciate all the replies. I think I have a little bit of work to do to unpick myself x

Of course it's nice to help loved ones, it's just that you seem to take it so far, to your own detriment. And seem willing to put aside your own wants and needs and treat them as secondary, not as equal.

Can you answer regarding whether you feel your relationships with friends/family/past lovers have been well-balanced and reciprocal? Or whether it's usually all give on your side.

Also, really like to know what the one thing was.

I agree with the posters asking about the other relationships in your life - any exes, and also friends and family members. Do you often feel a bit unappreciated and taken for granted? Or do you generally feel that you have healthy, mutually supportive relationships? If it's the former then you definitely need to work on putting yourself first more, whereas if it's the latter, maybe it says more about him than you.

@category12

Of course it's nice to help loved ones, it's just that you seem to take it so far, to your own detriment. And seem willing to put aside your own wants and needs and treat them as secondary, not as equal.

Can you answer regarding whether you feel your relationships with friends/family/past lovers have been well-balanced and reciprocal? Or whether it's usually all give on your side.

It’s reciprocal in the main for time, love, effort, but not financially pound for pound, it is relative though. I earn well. I can’t and won’t put a price on sharing or helping money wise, when others are struggling. I don’t completely put aside my wants and needs. I do verbalise, I usually do this quite meekly as I have a fear of rejection. Then if I see someone has just ignored my needs and wants consistently I do get upset. Usually when there’s no way back for me to calm down or correct my feelings of hurt as I have bottled it up for so long. I think this is all my fault looking at it ... I need to set my boundaries correctly.

I would pay my mums gas and electric bills I saw left out, when I was 17/18 when I was at home but working and she was struggling. it’s not intended to parent anyone, just help. It comes from love and just part of who I am

Givers need to date other givers OP. You are with a taker so the relationship by nature will never be balanced.

You have a good heart, give it to someone who deserves it.

@Desperadododo I feel your pain. This post could have been written by me. I’m going through something very similar. The Xmas present thing happened to me as well. And birthday present. I didn’t even get a call. I’ve gone NC now which is very painful. I’ve always been a giving person. To friends as well. Emotionally and physically. I don’t know if I try to over compensate (fear of rejection too) or what it is but my efforts hardly got reciprocated. I’ve always gone out of my way for people as well and. I’ve I’m stepping back. Making it all about me. I’m learning to say No which is hard but gets easier. I don’t know what else to say but I do know how you feel.

Being loving and giving is in no way negative OP (unless you are compromising your own happiness to do so).

You just need to learn where to draw the line. Find another giver, it will be bliss I promise you.

@category12

Also, really like to know what the one thing was.

It was a small time/physical task which was agreed, but ended up not possible due to upsetting his friend who’d done him a favour due to time/commitments. My needs were bumped. I asked 3 times, he refused. I then latterly got very upset and he agreed to do the task, but I didn’t want to by then. Too upset. I felt I wanted to NOT be bumped in first place. I’m sure that makes no sense!

Sorry the Xmas present comment was directed at @edwinbear

So for all the efforts you put in for him, you asked him to for example help you pick up a wardrobe from ikea and he turned you down to go help a mate put up a fence.

He needs to know that you matter and he is not to take you for granted.

No, it makes sense. You were last on the list for him whereas you'd have probably done an equivalent thing for him in a heartbeat.

[quote princessconsulabananahammock]@Desperadododo I feel your pain. This post could have been written by me. I’m going through something very similar. The Xmas present thing happened to me as well. And birthday present. I didn’t even get a call. I’ve gone NC now which is very painful. I’ve always been a giving person. To friends as well. Emotionally and physically. I don’t know if I try to over compensate (fear of rejection too) or what it is but my efforts hardly got reciprocated. I’ve always gone out of my way for people as well and. I’ve I’m stepping back. Making it all about me. I’m learning to say No which is hard but gets easier. I don’t know what else to say but I do know how you feel. [/quote]
I’m so sorry! You sound so lovely. You know, i remember people like you that cross my path, and it may be that I don’t always have the confidence or it’s not suitable for the situation to say anything, but you are unique in the best way. Memorable in the best way, and you’ll leave lasting positive imprints that you may never even know of. Be proud of who you are, because there is nothing you can leave behind in this world but material possessions or how you make people feel x

@Closetbeanmuncher

I would pay my mums gas and electric bills I saw left out, when I was 17/18 when I was at home but working and she was struggling. it’s not intended to parent anyone, just help. It comes from love and just part of who I am

Givers need to date other givers OP. You are with a taker so the relationship by nature will never be balanced.

You have a good heart, give it to someone who deserves it.

Oh you are so right... he is a giver (of time) ! Just not to me lately :(

Thank you @Desperadododo. These life lessons are painful but we live and learn. At least I hope I do. I’m lucky I do have a great bunch of close friends who are and have been supportive. Takers who do not give back to chip away at your confidence and no matter how much people say they are not worth it the damage is already done and you do question why was I not good enough. Especially after you have given your all. I try to think that that it wasn’t meant to be and hopefully there is someone out there meant for me but after being single all your life the hope is fading fast. I have some good days and some not so good ones (sadly these still our number the good ones) and am waiting for the days all to be good and take over. Here’s hoping we both find what we are looking for one day.

@Closetbeanmuncher

Being loving and giving is in no way negative OP (unless you are compromising your own happiness to do so).

You just need to learn where to draw the line. Find another giver, it will be bliss I promise you.

Thank you for making me feel better! X

@princessconsulabananahammock

Thank you *@Desperadododo*. These life lessons are painful but we live and learn. At least I hope I do. I’m lucky I do have a great bunch of close friends who are and have been supportive. Takers who do not give back to chip away at your confidence and no matter how much people say they are not worth it the damage is already done and you do question why was I not good enough. Especially after you have given your all. I try to think that that it wasn’t meant to be and hopefully there is someone out there meant for me but after being single all your life the hope is fading fast. I have some good days and some not so good ones (sadly these still our number the good ones) and am waiting for the days all to be good and take over. Here’s hoping we both find what we are looking for one day.

You really deserve good days! I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you the best life x

@BananaSpanner correct. 15-20 min commitment. I was very upset, but I do know it was stessful his side.
@category12 that’s how I felt. But there was more going on and I do understand his view point.

I just want to come first for someone. Does anyone have that? Is that possible?

Yes, it's possible. I think there are fellow givers out there for you

I think it's important to have fairly good boundaries from the start tho, and expect reciprocity, and recognise when you're not getting that.

You deserve to feel top of someone's list.

It sounds like your self esteem is low and that is why you valued his needs above your own.

Doing everything for someone doesn't guarantee they will love, commit and treat you right.

It sounds as if he took you for granted.

Maybe some counselling to work on your self esteem would help?

I agree with the others.its about givers and takers.

I am not a giver, and can slide into being a taker. Mainly because i tend not to notice if I’m not concentrating (I’m not neurotypical!) I try not to be an asshat, so I limit my friendships with givers. If I was a bit of a dick, I could very easily keep taking. With very good friends, I do warn them and thy are good at reminding me not to be a dick.