Nothing back :(

[Desperadododo]

I devote myself to those I love, Possibly my downfall, I spend alot of my life thinking how I can help my other half, improve his life, fix his issues, make him happy. I put him first. I think about his needs and wants. We do not live together. I don’t try to control him or nag him, I don’t get jealous. I spend more money on him than I do on myself.

Tonight it just hit me (due to his behaviour) he doesn’t put me first, he doesn’t obviously feel the same, despite him protesting he doesn’t, I feel so unloved, and unheard. I’m devastated. How do I move past this?

You sound co dependent OP. I would try and work on this if I was you as you’ll never have a fulfilling relationship being a co dependent.

OP, be mindful that just because you say you are always helping and fixing life for others that it doesn’t actually make you this wonderful great human being that you have build up in your own mind. I think perhaps you need to be a little bit more honest about your motives for those apparently charitable acts. I know a couple of people that constantly voice similar lamentations as you do, about always putting themselves out, helping, spending money on others, etc. But that kind of behaviour can be a sign of an altruistic narcissist. Either you do those things willingly because you want to but not act as the hard-done martyr or stop. You are trying to buy the affection and time of others and that isn’t quite as selfless as you make out. It actually can be rather manipulative and controlling. Instead of complaining about the supposed lack of reciprocity, focus on doing something productive for yourself. Stop looking for praise and don’t do these things because you see it as something transactional quid pro quo.

I agree with @Krampusasbabysitter.

I loved my ex and appreciated everything he did for me. But at the same time I always had the feeling it was very transactional - couldn't shake the thought that he expected so much in return that I couldn't give. Often wondered if it was a little controlling or manipulative. He was also a rescuer.

Maybe think about it from his side. I am an independent person at heart. I get uncomfortable with a man trying to do everything for me, even if I suck at doing things, I'd rather have a go or figure it out myself. It also puts a lot of pressure and guilt on me when a man also tries to fix my problems for me or rescue me (eg mental health) as he cannot.

I only wanted love and support not the feeling that I had to be fixed for him or that the relationship was transactional or the pressure of not giving him enough in return (because I want a life outside the relationship! Not just focusing all my time, energy and everything on him. Maybe I was a selfish taker or maybe it was all too much)

Also particularly from @Krampusasbabysitter:

"OP, be mindful that just because you say you are always helping and fixing life for others that it doesn’t actually make you this wonderful great human being that you have build up in your own mind."

Because my ex wanted to do and give so much he felt he was a "nice guy" which he said a few times himself. But he seemed to use this to excuse his shortcomings, his very not-nice aspects. Like the nasty things he said during arguments and nasty retaliations if he felt he was not getting what he deserved on return. Ultimately he had a lot of resentment brewing and this picture he had of himself as the perfect giver allowed him to avoid his own flaws and get angry at others when they didn't or were unable to always give as much on return.

I too have had a terrible habit of mothering all the men in my life - it has ALWAYS led to them taking me for granted, and me feeling unappreciated and exploited. After my most recent relationship broke up I promised myself I won’t do that again. 40 seems like a good time to change!

Now I have a new boyfriend and I am enjoying feeling that I don’t have to do stuff for him or take care of him (I mean, obviously I would help him and support him to a degree, but there are absolute limits on that). If I feel tempted to act like his mum, I just remind myself that a) he’s already got a mum who sounds great, so I don’t wanna tread on her toes! And b) he’s survived 44 years without my intervention - I’m sure he can last another 44 without it!

The point of this post is just that I do think and hope it is possible to change, once you identify what your patterns have been..... Good luck!