I know what I need to do - but how?

[Cassandra1]

Cut a long story short, I want and need to leave my husband. We have 3 children.
I know I have made my decision but how do I do it? It will crush him! Do I do it at night when kids in bed? Or when they’re at school? How do I say, I want to separate?? I feel so anxious about it

TIA

I just don’t know how to approach it 😩

There's never any good time to approach it I guess. Maybe when the children are at school might be better though. Then you can talk without them hearing or disrupting your conversation.

I'm in the same boat OP. 30yrs married in my case with two young adult DS (19 & 21) still living at home. He's Mr Nice Guy to outsiders but financially and emotionally abusive to me and very controlling. I'm about to receive a redundancy pay out which will help with the financial aspect of me moving out but I'm terrified of broaching the conversation and telling him it's over because I'm scared how he will react. We have no relationship and it shouldn't come as a huge surprise to him, but I'm sure he thinks I'd never contemplate such a thing. All seems so overwhelming and I don't know how to approach it. I hope you get some useful responses.

OP do you think he has any idea the relationship is in trouble, or is he drifting along thinking everything if OK? Have you ever discussed problems with your relationship? If the answers to those are Yes it does make it easier as he isn't in blissful ignorance.

But it will be a shock either way, however you can't live your life to stop someone else's hurt, and he will get over it.

Definitely do it when the children are out. There's no easy way to say it, so just come out and say it. Once it's 'out there' you can deal with the fall-out.

Try to stay calm, stay factual. Explain exactly why it no longer works for you, and state your intentions going forward.

Do you have a plan for what happens next? Take the kids and go stay with family? Ask him to move out? Co-habit in the house while one of you finds alternative accommodation? Maybe best to have something nailed down even short term in case things get heated and you need to leave.

It will never be easy but if you need to do it, then best to get it over with.

In this sort of situation it shouldn't really be coming as a shock for the other person, if it is completely out of the blue for them I would have thought there has been a real break down of communication. Have you spoken up about issues in the past?

Thanks everyone
Yes I tried to leave last year so he knows my issues and has been trying to work on them but it’s just too late. I dont think it will be a shock but I hate to hurt him. I hate confrontation

Hi @Cassandra1 I'm in the same boat but a bit further along.
I ended it but still live with him. Just stopped cooking for him and washing his clothes. I'm utterly miserable because he won't leave.
Is he abusive in any way?

I don’t really know if he’s abusive, I’ve posted a few times on here about him and people tend to say he’s coercive and a narcissist. I feel like he can be abusive in certain ways, he can blow up about nothing and lose his shit and just be an asshole to me and the kids, I feel like he can kind of be emotionally abusive too, making me feel guilty all the time about stupid things. I wish I would have stuck to my guns last year when I told him I wanted to separate

Hope you ladies that are in the same position as me get your happiness soon

He’s calmed down quite recently but I just can’t get passed things he’s said and done in the past

Planning ahead as I can't do this till next year, but I was thinking keep what you say factual and short. Id love DH to say sorry for all the shitty things he's said, all the hurt he's caused, all the damage he's done. But he's never going to do that. Last time I tried to tell him I wanted a divorce we ended up rehashing old ground and he made me feel so bad and like everything was so much my fault that I agreed to stay and try harder. I don't want to end up there again. So I was thinking something that doesn't really state why, I've told him why so many times anyway.

Something like 'Our relationship is toxic. There's been too much hurt and I can't ever open myself to you again. I don't want to be in a relationship with you, I don't want to try again to fix this and I am too scared of you for us to ever be able to have an intimate trusting relationship again. I'm not going to discuss who did what or who hurt who, there's no point causing more hurt to each other because I'm done. We need to find a way to seperate and co-parent that minimises the effect on our children. I've had time to think about how I want to do that. If you know what you'd want we can discuss that now? If you don't we should pause the discussion here and make a time in a few days or a week to talk about what we both want and how we're going to move forward in terms of who has kids when and housing until we can organise a divorce and financial separation.'

I feel the same OP, that it will crush him. But then if he actually loves me and wants to be a happy family why treat me the way he has? He hasn't been willing to do the smallest things to stop hurting me. He's told me how everythings my fault and how horrible the last few years have been and how he doesn't think he loves me anymore and yet when I suggested we seperate if things were that bad, it's suddenly not so bad. I told him how scared he'd made me feel and his response was all about how bad it was for me to say that to him and how much I hurt him by saying it. Surely if he loved me he would be really upset he'd made me feel that way and be trying to help me feel safe around him again.

Surely if you'd be devastated to loose someone you'd be trying to fix things, really trying, not just twisting everything to make them feel at fault. I know DH will never be capable of that and now it's too late because he has done so much damage to my mind, to my self-esteem, to my sense of worth that I can't take anymore. He came really close to destroying me mentally. When I realised how close I was to a breakdown and why I felt that way I knew we were over. I don't know if I could have stepped back to save myself if not for our kids. We have 3 little boys, 2 with SEN. They need me.

@ThePhoenixAndTheAshes This is pretty much what I planned to say when I arranged a couples counselling session almost a year ago. I had already told him how unhappy I was, and I wanted to spell it out in a safe space where I could just say everything and not feel like he would make me back down. Unfortunately I completely backed out and didn't say a word, he talked the whole time. So now I find myself rumbling along, him thinking he's escaped and that I've forgotten all about it. . . .I need to bring it up again but yes it is so hard to find the right time and the right thing to say. More so now that he's suffering from anxiety and depression. I spend my evenings hiding away with the kids, doing jobs around the house, just generally keeping out of his way. But I know the time is coming where I have to be brave and just do it. I can't waste my life. Good luck finding a way x

@Cassandra1 sounds just like mine.
The question is, do you want to wake up next to him every morning for the next 10,20,30 years time?
I decided that I deserve better and ended it. The shit hit the fan but I'm sticking to my guns.
Turns out the biggest problems lie with the house, the kids and his refusal to leave.
It's so hard, even more if he's a narcissist.
I feel for you OP.

@Carandi

I'm in the same boat OP. 30yrs married in my case with two young adult DS (19 & 21) still living at home. He's Mr Nice Guy to outsiders but financially and emotionally abusive to me and very controlling. I'm about to receive a redundancy pay out which will help with the financial aspect of me moving out but I'm terrified of broaching the conversation and telling him it's over because I'm scared how he will react. We have no relationship and it shouldn't come as a huge surprise to him, but I'm sure he thinks I'd never contemplate such a thing. All seems so overwhelming and I don't know how to approach it. I hope you get some useful responses.

@Carandi

Make sure your redundancy payment goes nowhere near your shared/joint accounts which he has access to. How close are you to leaving - have you had legal advice? 🌹

@Happynow001
I don't want to derail the thread but it's ok, we have separate accounts and my redundancy will be paid into my own one. No legal advice taken. Kids are grown and almost gone so no custody to sort, just a split of the house. I can't go until I get my redundancy pay in about 6-7 weeks as no back up funds. I'll be ready by early November.