I don’t know why I am posting this. There is a small WWYD aspect to it, but mainly I have been thinking a lot about this situation and just wanted to let it out as I can’t bear to talk to anyone about it in RL. Will try to keep it as brief as possible.
My FIL died a few years ago, leaving behind his second wife, my DH and DBIL (everyone else outside the UK for info). DH’s mum died when the boys were young and FIL remarried about 5 years before he died. DBIL has a degenerative physical and mental condition and lives in a care home. Everyone was devastated as FIL’s death was unexpected and he was close to his children, GC and extended family.
FIL died without leaving a will. In the days following his death, his wife went back and forth to the bank and (illegally) cleared out his accounts. Literally every penny. There was no property, shares etc. so this was the whole estate. It was like one horrible shock after another as we realised there would be no money to pay for my DBIL’s care.
Although DH and DBIL were legally entitled to a significant share, their lawyer said they would lose much of it in fighting the case as step-MIL had immediately left the country. Bottom line, she is long gone with FIL’s money and we now pay for BIL’s care. We are lucky in that we are just about able to cover it, but we worry about exchange rates, redundancy or escalating care costs. It also means we cannot save for retirement right now, or help our children as they move out etc.
While all this was going on, my DF died as well. My DM said she wanted to be nearer to us. We were not particularly close, largely because they made little effort with the kids over the years i.e. not visiting, not calling on birthdays etc. Despite this, all the difficulties with DH’s family and the day-to-day issues of school, work etc., we helped DM sell her house and move here. We now have a reasonable relationship. I call her every day, see her a couple of times a week, do bits and pieces for her in the house etc.
So, in summary, DH and I have each other and our lovely children. Also DH’s aunties, cousins etc. go out of their way to support us and DBIL, which we really appreciate. We are also grateful that we are still working in the current situation and just trying to do the best we can. But it has been a crappy few years and we have inherited financial worries that are unlikely to go away. There is a WWYD coming up honest so thank you for staying with me!
Over lockdown, my DM mentioned almost in passing that when she dies, she is leaving her house and money to a disability charity. She says me and my DSis have “done very well for ourselves” and she wants to be able to “help someone who needs it.” DSis and I and our partners have decent jobs but we are not loaded at all. We are just regular, hardworking people (think teachers etc.). Rightly or wrongly, me and my sister see this as some kind of statement about how our DM feels about us. Ironically, DM has chosen a charity that she has no personal connection to but that provides the kind of care that we are paying for on a monthly basis for my DBIL (DM knows about this).
I know it is DM’s money and her decision. I also know that my DBIL’s care and the impact it is having on us financially is absolutely not her responsibility in any way. Also hopefully she will live for many more years so this will unfold very much in the future. And of course we haven’t been helping her in expectation of some kind of ultimate pay-off. But despite all the above I can’t help feeling upset, especially after what happened with my FIL. I know they are two different stories, but from where I’m sat it just feels like we have always been there for our parents and yet we have been treated pretty harshly by both sides if that makes sense?
DSis says she’s not surprised by this news given how difficult our DM can be (she is LC with her for this reason). Likewise, DH says I should just leave it alone. But I feel like I want to say or do something, even if it’s just to scream into a pillow! So that is my WWYD I guess. Should I say something to my DM, step back a bit from helping her, or just keep on keeping on?
Thank you so much for reading this and sorry it was so long…