It's an inheritance one - but not as you know it!

[Feelingbuffeted]

I don’t know why I am posting this. There is a small WWYD aspect to it, but mainly I have been thinking a lot about this situation and just wanted to let it out as I can’t bear to talk to anyone about it in RL. Will try to keep it as brief as possible.

My FIL died a few years ago, leaving behind his second wife, my DH and DBIL (everyone else outside the UK for info). DH’s mum died when the boys were young and FIL remarried about 5 years before he died. DBIL has a degenerative physical and mental condition and lives in a care home. Everyone was devastated as FIL’s death was unexpected and he was close to his children, GC and extended family.

FIL died without leaving a will. In the days following his death, his wife went back and forth to the bank and (illegally) cleared out his accounts. Literally every penny. There was no property, shares etc. so this was the whole estate. It was like one horrible shock after another as we realised there would be no money to pay for my DBIL’s care.

Although DH and DBIL were legally entitled to a significant share, their lawyer said they would lose much of it in fighting the case as step-MIL had immediately left the country. Bottom line, she is long gone with FIL’s money and we now pay for BIL’s care. We are lucky in that we are just about able to cover it, but we worry about exchange rates, redundancy or escalating care costs. It also means we cannot save for retirement right now, or help our children as they move out etc.

While all this was going on, my DF died as well. My DM said she wanted to be nearer to us. We were not particularly close, largely because they made little effort with the kids over the years i.e. not visiting, not calling on birthdays etc. Despite this, all the difficulties with DH’s family and the day-to-day issues of school, work etc., we helped DM sell her house and move here. We now have a reasonable relationship. I call her every day, see her a couple of times a week, do bits and pieces for her in the house etc.

So, in summary, DH and I have each other and our lovely children. Also DH’s aunties, cousins etc. go out of their way to support us and DBIL, which we really appreciate. We are also grateful that we are still working in the current situation and just trying to do the best we can. But it has been a crappy few years and we have inherited financial worries that are unlikely to go away. There is a WWYD coming up honest so thank you for staying with me!

Over lockdown, my DM mentioned almost in passing that when she dies, she is leaving her house and money to a disability charity. She says me and my DSis have “done very well for ourselves” and she wants to be able to “help someone who needs it.” DSis and I and our partners have decent jobs but we are not loaded at all. We are just regular, hardworking people (think teachers etc.). Rightly or wrongly, me and my sister see this as some kind of statement about how our DM feels about us. Ironically, DM has chosen a charity that she has no personal connection to but that provides the kind of care that we are paying for on a monthly basis for my DBIL (DM knows about this).

I know it is DM’s money and her decision. I also know that my DBIL’s care and the impact it is having on us financially is absolutely not her responsibility in any way. Also hopefully she will live for many more years so this will unfold very much in the future. And of course we haven’t been helping her in expectation of some kind of ultimate pay-off. But despite all the above I can’t help feeling upset, especially after what happened with my FIL. I know they are two different stories, but from where I’m sat it just feels like we have always been there for our parents and yet we have been treated pretty harshly by both sides if that makes sense?

DSis says she’s not surprised by this news given how difficult our DM can be (she is LC with her for this reason). Likewise, DH says I should just leave it alone. But I feel like I want to say or do something, even if it’s just to scream into a pillow! So that is my WWYD I guess. Should I say something to my DM, step back a bit from helping her, or just keep on keeping on?

Thank you so much for reading this and sorry it was so long…

fil died unexpectedly. Certainly he intended to take care of his son.

MAKE A WILL, EVERYONE. This is the lesson for us all. Don't put it off because you never know what's round the corner, especially these days.

I would not mention anything to DM. I would step right back though.

I agree with this. In my opinion, she's said what she said to demonstrate to you that she sees you as having a duty to look after her, but without that being reciprocated. She's telling you that she'll expect you to keep making an effort with her, but she doesn't feel under any obligation in return. Well, guess what: you're not obliged to do squat, not even explain yourself. Cut your contact right back. Show her you don't accept the deal she's constructed in her head. Who knows, she may have to spend all that money anyway on her own care later and will never get to be Lady Bountiful to the charity.

Actually, if she does mention it again, that's a possible reply - say 'well, don't forget you may use it all up on your own care before then'.

diddl

I wouldn't necessarily be lc with someone just because they didn't want to leave me anything in their will-more because we didn't get on/they weren't bothered about me/the kids...

It's not 'somebody' it's OP's mother.

Who also didn't bother with her or her grandchildren.

OP, so sorry to read about the situation with your BIL. People seem so accustomed to some sort of social safety net that they cannot quite imagine the brutal reality of zero support in the absence of the family paying. Not paying for his care is simply not an option in some countries, lest you want to see someone extremely vulnerably literally on the streets, having to beg and fend for themselves with a stark outcome.

You have every right to be upset by your mother’s thoughtless and rather cruel behaviour. She can of course leave her money to whomever she pleases but it totally absolves you from pandering to her whims and neither you nor your DSIL ought to be expected to look after her, as she may get frailer. A grandparent of mine had contributed nothing to my father’s upbringing or higher education, which meant he had to struggle in multiple jobs to attain his qualifications. My grandfather also took money that was left to my father and made it very clear that he intended to spend everything on himself and would not be leaving anything to my dad. This was duly noted. A couple of decades later with no contact since, the grandfather suddenly got in touch, expecting to move into my parents’ home and for them to care for him. He was calmly told that he now reaped what he had sewn. Despite having had quite a fortune, his lavish lifestyle and lack of financial planning meant that he had no adequate savings to cover a decent care plan and he ended up in some pretty squalid care home in a multi-occupancy room, having to share with several other men. I refused to visit him because old age and decrepitude does not offset years of cruel contempt for and neglect of his own family.

*sown

Aside from the inheritance issue, you should not be paying your BIL's care costs - it is not your responsibility. His LA should be funding it. He needs an assessment from SSD to establish he has care needs as a "vulnerable adult" and then a financial assessment to work out what he should pay towards his care.

My FIL (now deceased) was in cahoots with my Sis-IL before he died. She suggested that she and we (me and OH) should be bypassed in his will and all the money go to the GC because we were well off - I wish! She did not consult with us at all. I found this information on his computer after he died - in fact he died before the process of changing his will had been completed.

I do think your mother's proposal sounds really nuts - is she OK dementia-wise? Suddenly to decide to leave your estate to a random charity sounds rather odd.

BIL is in another country with no Social Services funding! Blimey!

This is a very odd thing for your mother have done OP. It's almost like a test. By dropping this bombshell on you and your DS, she's almost daring you to go LC / NC. But if you do, it makes it seem like any elderly caring you did for her, was because you wanted to inherit.

I would actually check that she hadn't been pressured into leaving a lot of money to a charity though. I know laws have been rightened to avoid vulnerable people being exploited, but some charities will still happily exploit the elderly.

Should I say something to my DM, step back a bit from helping her, or just keep on keeping on?

Say it.

“DM, rightly or wrongly, I’m hurt by your suggestion you’re going to leave your estate to X charity when you know that’s exactly how DH & I are struggling, paying for BIL’s care after DH was left nothing by his dad. Perhaps you haven’t thought how that feels to me, I’m not sure, but still I feel hurt.”

Then be quiet. See what happens.

I mean - perhaps your having to pay for BIL, and being able to, has inspired her to think about those less fortunate? But as you say your sister is LC and not surprised by her behaviour, and you’ve previously had a poor relationship with her, it seems unlikely to be coming from purely charitable motives.

Give her the opportunity to surprise you but don’t be upset if she doesn’t.

I’m sorry, OP. It’s all horribly hurtful.

Really odd for your DM to do that re her will - you’d think she’d want to at least help your DCs in future. I’d be very hurt and think you should speak to her about it.

Not the same but my fil died and we had our suspicions as to what dh own mother was up to when fil left dh or gc nothing at all.
We got a copy of the will and she'd lied about what was due to dh. The executor was their family solicitor who I don't know how it was managed but now it wasn't enough to go disrupting everyone else in the family for and dh can't bear a fight on his hands. I doubt very much his mother will not squander the rest. I know my FIL wouldn't have allowed my dh to feel so hurt it's hard to watch it dh deal with his grief and this on top.

In the meantime my mother told me she's leaving everything to my sibling.
We are not well off at all and tbh I had wrongly assumed I would get inheritance and I am still coming to terms with it all. I couldn't look my mother in the eye after a time of trying to pretend it was ok. My sibling is a lot more well off than me but I don't think that should make a difference. My mother could provide no explanation as to why.

It is very difficult I think to come to peace with this. I ended up naturally breaking down the relationship with my mother, I don't think I got over it, I never argued specifically about this but every phone call or visit felt marred with the hurt I carried. I understand it's her money but there's that and then there's deliberate cruel actions. I think your mother is being cruel. And for me every time someone I know gets an inheritance I find that quite difficult to stomach knowing me and dh are going to have to work well into retirement just to own a house and all the rest of it just because our parents are mean.

I understand why you are paying BiL's care. Where I live there is little to no 'social safety net' and if the family doesn't pay out of pocket the alternative is to either take the person into a relative's home (not always feasible) or literally abandon them an airport (which is no alternative).

If SMiL has left the country with FiL's money there's little to nothing you'll be able to do. It may be as illegal as hell but she didn't commit the crime in the country she's in now and I'm sure it's not enough money to interest anyone in an international extradition. The only thing (if it's not too late) might be to see if the institutions that allowed her to fraudulently withdraw the money could be held liable.

As far as your own mother, frankly I'd tell her "Well, it's your money/house to do as you wish, but it's certainly affected my feelings for you and it's also affected any sense of duty I may have had about caring for you in your old age".

Then let her just twist in the wind.

@WiddlinDiddlin

'On reflection, Mother dearest, since you clearly see no need to offer us any assistance in our later years, knowing the situation we are in with DBIL... we have realised there's no need to offer you any in yours. Toodleoo'.

I vote for this response

I'm presuming you don't own your home outright?

I'm not sure how old she is nor how aware she is of the modern world, but does she realise that most of life's luxuries are purchased via some form of loan? Mortgage, car, phone etc. Maybe she sees you having a good life with mod cons (or what she considers as mod cons) and feels you're doing brilliantly financially? You really need to highlight your situation to her.

This seems very unfair OP. I think I would say something to your DM and frame it along the lines of "it's a shame you don't want to support your grandchildren when we can't save for them due to BIL's costs" and then I'd step back from her as much as possible.

She sounds pretty thoughtless but she also may not realise that you're struggling financially.

@GooseberryJam

fil died unexpectedly. Certainly he intended to take care of his son.

MAKE A WILL, EVERYONE. This is the lesson for us all. Don't put it off because you never know what's round the corner, especially these days.

I would not mention anything to DM. I would step right back though.

I agree with this. In my opinion, she's said what she said to demonstrate to you that she sees you as having a duty to look after her, but without that being reciprocated. She's telling you that she'll expect you to keep making an effort with her, but she doesn't feel under any obligation in return. Well, guess what: you're not obliged to do squat, not even explain yourself. Cut your contact right back. Show her you don't accept the deal she's constructed in her head. Who knows, she may have to spend all that money anyway on her own care later and will never get to be Lady Bountiful to the charity.

Actually, if she does mention it again, that's a possible reply - say 'well, don't forget you may use it all up on your own care before then'.

Unfortunately, a Will would not have made any difference in this situation. The outcome would still have been exactly the same, with fil’s wife going to the bank every day, to steal all the money before she left the country!

Father-in-law's wife was a piece of work 😳

My DM said she wanted to be nearer to us. We were not particularly close, largely because they made little effort with the kids over the years i.e. not visiting, not calling on birthdays etc. Despite this, all the difficulties with DH’s family and the day-to-day issues of school, work etc., we helped DM sell her house and move here. We now have a reasonable relationship. I call her every day, see her a couple of times a week, do bits and pieces for her in the house etc.

So....she only showed 'interest' in you because she didn't want to be 'alone'... and cos she wants someone to 'care' for her - especially in old age.

She's using you - and being spitefully clear how little she cares about YOU.

why do you feel like you have to help her?????