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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I dont like feeling like this

51 replies

meno43 · 03/09/2020 22:18

So, I am not sure if I am being sensitive or go with my gut, something feels off?
I have been dating someone for 3 months. He is a very good 'catch' so to speak and initially he was keener than me, sating how much he wants a future etc He admitted to having a lot of girlfriends and a past and being in a pattern. Not sure what he meant by that. So, here is my issue. I feel insecure, Im not generally an insecure person. He is getting messages on his phone and smiles but doesn't say what about or who it is. He made a point of telling me how the woman in the gym told his her name and he did his, then left it at that? why is he doing this? is he trying to make me feel insecure? im not sure he is emotionally available. I really like but his jokey nature makes me feel im mot sure how serious he is, or if he will be faithful. I dont want to feel like this and not sure if it is me, him, or a bit of both. Any advice? my head is muddled

OP posts:

LexMitior · 03/09/2020 22:24

A game player. How do you reckon to being mucked about?

Original poster

meno43 · 03/09/2020 22:29

We are seeing each other every week and have done a lot of activities. He wants me to meet his kids and says he wants a future. Im comfused why he is behaving this way. Is it because he is insecure? Is he testing me?

OP posts:

seensome · 03/09/2020 22:30

I think he still enjoys getting attention and making you jealous, why mention the woman in the gym otherwise, it's a bit rude to smile at messages in front of you and leave you wondering.
Not surprised your feeling like this, a decent man would want you feeling secure, I would back right off, it's really off putting.

SonEtLumiere · 03/09/2020 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunsalutations · 03/09/2020 22:36

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't get caught up in silly games like this.

Original poster

meno43 · 03/09/2020 22:36

Yes I feel that is rude too re the messages. It makes me feel, what is he hiding? it could be nothing of course but it makes me feel uneasy. Exactly, im not sure why he said something so pointless about the woman in the gym. Why mention it? im really angry at the moment. He has sent me a message saying he wants me to be his centre and safe place?

OP posts:

furrycat1978 · 03/09/2020 22:45

What a load of bollox from him. You aren’t responsible for his happiness. Like PP, he’s playing with you. Those jokes will turn nasty and he’ll start using “only joking” as an excuse. Ditch this sort of behaviour from your life: focus instead on what makes you feel happy and secure. Then your confidence will naturally grow. People like this chip away at you intentionally. Consider him like a pair of shoes: you’ve tried him on and he doesn’t fit. You deserve happiness.

Krazynights34 · 03/09/2020 22:48

OP. He WANTS you to think he’s a catch.
If he is, so are you!
Get another boyfriend who doesn’t play games!!

Original poster

meno43 · 03/09/2020 22:56

We are mid 40s. I want someone who respects me and is serious about moving forward.

OP posts:

Inaseagull · 03/09/2020 23:26

Trust your gut

He is too full on at 3 months in, planning a future, meeting the kids, you are his centre and safe place (a bit of love bombing).

Telling you about lots of girlfriends and a past and a pattern. He's telling you who he is, so when you pull him up on any future behaviour he can say - 'well, I told you what I was like'. (by then you will be in love, so will let him off).

Making out there are other women interested in him, texting him. All designed to make you insecure and jealous.

He's not insecure and yes, he is testing you.

You shouldn't be feeling like this so early on. I would cut your losses if I were you and listen to your gut!

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2020 23:29

No, no and NOPE. Too much, too soon, and he's a game player. Trust your gut ALWAYS. You know something is off about him. You are old enough to know better than to believe his shit.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/09/2020 23:47

"He is a very good 'catch' so to speak and initially he was keener than me, sating how much he wants a future etc He admitted to having a lot of girlfriends and a past and being in a pattern. Not sure what he meant by that."
Someone who could be considered ON PAPER to be a good catch, maybe, but not in reality. Saying he wants a future is just the carrot he's dangling to keep you on board. It doesn't mean he's being truthful. Saying about exes/past/pattern - just as manipulative. When the future never happens and you express unhappiness about it, he can say that he told you what he was like from the start and that you are now one of the girlfriends he had and part of his past and he's moving on because that is his pattern. And he'll make you feel that it's all your fault because you didn't listen and hear his warning.

And yes he does like you to feel insecure. That's why he behaves as he behaves and why he says what he says. Once he's got you totally insecure he'll notch that bedpost and move on.

Trust your gut. Listen to your gut. It's telling you something feels off because something IS off.

Bunnymumy · 04/09/2020 01:09

Run for the hills. He's a grade A narcissistic wanker.

And he is already starting narcissistic triangulation (when they name drop other women to make you feel insecure).

All manner of other red flags too. 'Future faking' ect...

Telling you exactly who they are in ways like 'I used to be a player', 'my ex called me a narcissist/says I hit her', 'I'm a bit of an asshole' ect...are huge red flags as they are telling you exactly who they are.

Honestly op, fucking run fast. This one is a particularly bad one.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/09/2020 01:12

It makes me feel, what is he hiding?

It's meant to. Truth is what he's actually hiding is that he's a bit of a twat.

FancyMinion · 04/09/2020 01:28

Listen to the PP - trust your gut and pull away. Busy yourself with other things that make you feel happy. He is making you feel bad. And you should not have these niggles 3 months in.

Future faking
Love bombing

Look these terms up.

I’ve been there and I hung in as I wanted it to be what he was promising. It’s so tempting to ignore the signs. So disappointing that they are not the person you thought they were.

Finally I wised up to my love bomber and started acting like I didn’t need him, showed him little emotion, gave him fewer details re my life etc....to see what would happen. In the meantime, I filled my life with other happy distractions and made sure I was less available (but still was being my authentic self).

I wanted him to want me so I acted like I just wasn’t that into him - and tried hard to be focused other things that made me feel happy.

So I played my own game (immature and pointless of me, but it worked). He wanted me more than ever. But my heart wasn’t in it as I’m not a game player by nature and I didn’t want to have to live like that long term.

But boy, I felt good that I ended it on my terms.

FancyMinion · 04/09/2020 01:31

One piece of advice I now give my friends is try to be attracted to how someone makes you feel, and not how you hope they will act.

Original poster

meno43 · 04/09/2020 07:55

Thank you. Im really upset this morning and at the least am taking a step back. I do admit I have questioned him, that is because of the way he is making me feel. I had a very long message from him last night saying he is thinking I cannot and will not trust him. I do have trust issues but surely if he really cared he wouldn't behave as he is

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2020 08:01

Don't give this person any more of your precious headspace; its not you, its him. Do more than merely take a step back from this, end this relationship with this player.

BlackLetterDay · 04/09/2020 08:04

You cant trust him because he isn't trustworthy. You know this.

Heatherjayne1972 · 04/09/2020 08:05

I’d ditch him
He’s no catch He doesn’t really care about you or your feelings - it’s all about him
If he wanted to build up your trust he’d have no communication with other women either on his phone or In person at all (apart from family or friends )

He’s telling you who he is. Believe him

babbi · 04/09/2020 08:09

OP , good advice on here .. read the post of @Bunnymumy a few times and then end this immediately.
Very bad situation... he’s bad and will drain you

The only time I didn’t listen to my gut ended up in disaster and heartbreak...

Take care... you’ll be so much better without him

babbi · 04/09/2020 08:10

@FancyMinion. Excellent advice .. simple but so true

Bunnymumy · 04/09/2020 09:36

He's now trying to make you feel guilty/gaslight you into thinking you are the one with the issues, for not trusting him. Not a nice man. Emotionally manipulative.

You're body is picking up on itand it's giving you the flight response. Don't fight it. Trust it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/09/2020 10:58

"I had a very long message from him last night saying he is thinking I cannot and will not trust him."

He deliberately behaves in a way that arouses suspicion. Now he accuses you of not trusting him. The purpose of this very long message is to shift responsibility for any tension from him (and his shady behaviour) to you (for seeing his behaviour sucks).

It's a mindfuck. He wants you to doubt yourself, to feel insecure in the relationship because of his very long message, and - frankly, he wants to make you easier to manipulate.

He expects you to react to his very long message by making loud protestations that of course you trust him, and for you to suppress your gut feeling that he's a wrong 'un and to make yourself more compliant to - y'know, prove how very very much you trust him.

Minimise the damage this man is causing to your self-esteem by responding that he's right - that you do not and cannot trust him because of how he chooses to behave, and that it's best to end the relationship now and stop wasting both your times, you're clearly incompatible as a couple. Thank you for being so understanding and goodbye. Walk away and block on all channels. Thank your lucky stars you've dodged a bullet by listening to your gut.

Original poster

meno43 · 04/09/2020 11:57

I just can't believe this is happening 😢

I know you are right and its unsettling. Im a good person and I feel he is getting me so wrong. Why would he want to do this? Do you think there is someone else? silly question I guess as how would a forum know. Is he trying to push me away so I end it.
He says he is upset and is going to 'loose it' and we definitely need to talk. Is he actually considering me at all?

OP posts:

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