Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont like feeling like this

51 replies

meno43 · 03/09/2020 22:18

So, I am not sure if I am being sensitive or go with my gut, something feels off?
I have been dating someone for 3 months. He is a very good 'catch' so to speak and initially he was keener than me, sating how much he wants a future etc He admitted to having a lot of girlfriends and a past and being in a pattern. Not sure what he meant by that. So, here is my issue. I feel insecure, Im not generally an insecure person. He is getting messages on his phone and smiles but doesn't say what about or who it is. He made a point of telling me how the woman in the gym told his her name and he did his, then left it at that? why is he doing this? is he trying to make me feel insecure? im not sure he is emotionally available. I really like but his jokey nature makes me feel im mot sure how serious he is, or if he will be faithful. I dont want to feel like this and not sure if it is me, him, or a bit of both. Any advice? my head is muddled

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 04/09/2020 12:20

Remember what he told you -

"He admitted to having a lot of girlfriends and a past and being in a pattern."

You are witnessing his 'pattern'. It is to fuck women over for his own amusement. You say "I feel he is getting me so wrong." He isn't getting you at all, because he isn't trying to. You're just another notch - sorry, but I really think that's it to him. You're just a plaything, barely human, who exists only in relation to him; no internal life, no past, no future, no existence except that which serves his wants Sad.

"Do you think there is someone else?"
No. But there will be as soon as you ditch him. Next notch.

"Is he trying to push me away so I end it."
No. He's trying to make you so insecure and lacking in self-esteem that when he says 'jump' you'll say 'how high'. Then he'll end it.

"He says he is upset and is going to 'loose it' and we definitely need to talk. Is he actually considering me at all? Angry"
If he's upset (and I really doubt it) it's because he's realised he may have pushed too quickly through his 'pattern' and he senses you're smelling a rat. Can't have the prey escaping until we've had our full measure of fun now, can we? The 'talk' will be to bring you to heel and all compliant. Is he actually considering you at all? No, not in the way you mean 'consider'. He's considering you to be his toy. At best. Sad

Sorry @meno43, this must be very upsetting for you.

Original poster
meno43 · 04/09/2020 12:37

why would he want to actively fuvk women over? surely he is looking for the right person too?

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 04/09/2020 12:57

No op. He is not looking for a relationship, he is looking for a victim. He is not like you. Or me. Ir indeed, most people. He is disordered and cruel.

'I feel he is getting me so wrong'
Sorts like him WANT you to feel this way. So that you focus on trying to explain your feelings and prove your goodness/trust in them/sanity ect...to them. Rather than actually seeing that they are horrible, manipulative bastards.

He is not a good persom op. Thibk of the playground bully who hurts people to feel good. That is who he is and always will be.

It has nothing to do with you or with other women. He is fundamentally empty, cruel and dangerous to women.

tornadoalley · 04/09/2020 13:02

My ex once said to me, treat them mean and keep them keen.

He is feeding your insecurity and making himself more of a catch

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/09/2020 13:11

Dump.

And honour and thank your self-knowledge and intuition Star

He’s just some bloke. Let him go, you’re free to heal for a bit and then meet someone perfect for you.

differentnameforthis · 04/09/2020 13:30

Also keep in mind op that abusive men move fast, and promise all sorts.

They talk about other woman to get a reaction from you, to see what you will put up with, how you react to being wound up.

Listen to your gut.

differentnameforthis · 04/09/2020 13:35

"Is he trying to push me away so I end it."
No. He's trying to make you so insecure and lacking in self-esteem that when he says 'jump' you'll say 'how high'. Then he'll end it.

I disagree slightly here.. the first part... spot on. Trying to make op insecure so she thinks she can do no better than him, and jump to his every demand, constantly fearful he will leave her for someone else. She will become his pleaser, and do what he wants, completely loosing herself in the process.

Only he won't end it. He'll escalate. He may become abusive, possibly even violent.

differentnameforthis · 04/09/2020 13:38

Sorts like him WANT you to feel this way. So that you focus on trying to explain your feelings and prove your goodness/trust in them/sanity ect...to them. Rather than actually seeing that they are horrible, manipulative bastards.

Yup, you think he is getting you all wrong, so you start to manipulate yourself into being who he expects you to be. Which is not who you are now.

user12642379742146 · 04/09/2020 13:43

Men like him hate women and get off on having the power to fuck them over. Basically.

He is only a "catch" in the sense of someone going fishing on a canal and catching a rusty shopping trolley on their line.

user12642379742146 · 04/09/2020 13:46

Just because the reason you're dating is "to find the right person" that does not mean any of the other people you encounter will have the same motivation. It's naive and dangerous to assume they are motivated by the same things as you.

SonEtLumiere · 04/09/2020 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 04/09/2020 14:22

Narcissist is a term that gets banded around on here alot. I'm reluctant to use it as I have no medical qualification to diagnose it, and tbh triangulation, future faking, and other symptoms of personality disorders go a lot deeper than the simplified terms we read online.
However op, I will say other than a few crucial facts you mentioned that hadnt tied up , I would be sure you're dating my ex.
In my experience of living with and learning about abusive traits it never ceases to amaze me how similar these men are.
Let me tell you if this man was decent and kind and knew you had trust issues he would be going out of his way to make you feel secure. He might be laying the emotional manipulation on rather subtly and oh so cleverly, but my guess is he knows exactly what he is doing and in all honesty so do you.
Your gut is telling you something is wrong (have you ever felt like this in a relationship before but with no good reason) my guess would be no.
You dont have to over analyse how you feel, you feel that way.
You dont have to overthink why you feel uncomfortable, you are.
You dont have to explain to him over and over why you are upset, you are upset.
You can end this thing now, and my advice would be to do so. Trust me, save yourself a shed load of pain and heartbreak.

Original poster
meno43 · 04/09/2020 14:48

Thank you. as am listening. I dont feel ready to believe it. Sitting crying. Feel such a fool to be naive at my age

OP posts:
Wondersense · 04/09/2020 15:03

There are lot of issues that can make people feel insecure, if you're confused all the time around him, maybe you should suggest to the other posters on here when they he might be playing mind games with you. Don't even go there. They're twisted and manipulative.

Wondersense · 04/09/2020 15:05

Deary me that last post made no sense -

There's lot of past issues that can make people feel insecure, but if you're confused all the time around him, maybe you should listen to the other posters on here when they say he might be playing mind games on you.

Don't even go there. These type of guys are twisted and manipulative.

Babdoc · 04/09/2020 15:49

Don’t feel a fool, OP. There’s nothing foolish about being a decent person and assuming others will be decent too. There’s only one person who should be feeling shamefaced in this relationship - and it ain’t you!
Don’t waste any more tears on this pathetic shit of a man, though. Consider it a lucky escape that you realised what he’s really like before you invested years of your life in him.
And move on. You never loved him, you only loved the man he pretended to be.
There’s a poem that sums that up rather neatly:
“I can’t forgive you. Even if I could
You wouldn’t pardon me
For seeing through you.
And yet, I cannot cure myself of love
For who I thought you were -
Before I knew you”
You deserve someone as decent as you are, OP. Let go of the shit and allow space in your heart for someone worth loving. Good luck.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/09/2020 16:38

"Feel such a fool to be naive at my age"
You're not a fool and you're not naive. You're a normal person looking at the world normally. What's happened is that you've come into the sights of a predator. The only thing that would have protected you from him would have been experiencing this type of man before, and recognising the signs. Don't beat yourself up about this, you could not have known.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/09/2020 16:42

Oh and meant to say - you've got good instincts. Only three months in and your gut was sounding the alarm and sending you here. Very, very far from foolish and naive.

LadyH846 · 04/09/2020 16:50

I'm sorry OP but he is playing with you. This is cruel and I don't think he's someone who really cares for you. That's no reflection on you.

sarahc336 · 04/09/2020 16:54

For someone who doesn't have trust issues and is generally not insecure within 3 months he's made you have trust issues and feel insecure. ConfusedThis is not the man for you, he does not sound like a catch to me. Trust your instinct and go and find a man who is amazed that your a catch and are dating him, he will make you feel secure and there will be trust. This guy is clearly a player and possibly a bit narcissistic and he won't change, the only thing that'll change is your self esteem down the pan, good luck Smile

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/09/2020 18:32

You're only foolish and naive if you keep letting him do it. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

updownroundandround · 04/09/2020 19:52

Saying he wants a future with you at 3 months is way too soon and OTT ! massive red flag !

Trying to make you feel insecure by alluding to swapping details at the gym or the sly smiles at his phone with no explanation are huge red flags too !

He's definitely more interested in what you can do for him than in your feelings or wellbeing. He's a massive game player who is trying to make himself seem soooo good a catch that random women always come on to him ! wanker !

Get rid of him as fast as you'd get rid of a dose of the clap, he's bad news and things will only get worse.

updownroundandround · 04/09/2020 20:15

Also, you are in no way naive either, he's a predator who seeks out females to exploit, and he's perfected his methods over years........

You have rumbled him and he won't be happy about it. After all, he's spent a whole 3 months rambling shit to you about 'the future' blah, blah, blah..................and he's not reaped the rewards of his 'work' yet has he ? (i.e got a cushie number where he does nothing for you, and you do everything for him)

He wants to be able to go where he wants, do what he wants, spend what he wants, sleep with who he wants, do no housework/ cleaning/ shopping/ bills etc and take no responsibility for anything....................all while you sit at home wondering what you've done wrong and what you can do to 'make him realize' how upset you are..............................

He's NOT interested in a loving relationship with anyone and never will be. He's a manipulating, controlling prick who's only interest will ever be himself.

Dontknowwhyidoit · 04/09/2020 20:22

Trust your initial gut feelings. Don't tie yourself up in knots trying to understand his motivations. There are men out there who enjoy feeling some sort of emotional power over their girlfriends, it gives them a buzz as they feel in control. Who knows why they do it, they probably don't understand themselves but it's a pattern of behaviour they enjoy and you want no part in it as it will probably end in heartache. He can't be the right person for you when you have been feeling the way you have. Move on so you can have the chance to meet someone who can make you happy.

Onthedunes · 05/09/2020 00:25

@updownroundandround

Also, you are in no way naive either, he's a predator who seeks out females to exploit, and he's perfected his methods over years........

You have rumbled him and he won't be happy about it. After all, he's spent a whole 3 months rambling shit to you about 'the future' blah, blah, blah..................and he's not reaped the rewards of his 'work' yet has he ? (i.e got a cushie number where he does nothing for you, and you do everything for him)

He wants to be able to go where he wants, do what he wants, spend what he wants, sleep with who he wants, do no housework/ cleaning/ shopping/ bills etc and take no responsibility for anything....................all while you sit at home wondering what you've done wrong and what you can do to 'make him realize' how upset you are..............................

He's NOT interested in a loving relationship with anyone and never will be. He's a manipulating, controlling prick who's only interest will ever be himself.

Exellent post.....as are many of the others. Please don,t get any further enmeshed with him these posters can read him like a book.

I wish they taught this stuff to our children in schools.
Dangerous people do exist and its not an understatment to say he is one of them.
You are playing with fire.
Please find someone with a conscience.