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Original poster

When to know he’s the one?

53 replies

Whataboutthefuture · 03/09/2020 19:08

I’ve been in a relationship for a year and wondering where it’s going. I’m mid 30s and he’s mid 40s. We’ve both been clear we are after a meaningful relationship with the end goal of marriage. Lately I have been talking about wanting to try to have a baby before I reach 40 at the latest. This hasn’t made him run away! But he does say he wants to pay off his mortgage before starting a family (despite being very well off). We haven’t talked specifically about what’s going on between us and what our plans would be. And in any case I am starting to habour some serious doubts about him and the relationship.

My question is - when should you know? Is a year long enough to know? Or am I wasting my precious time considering I have doubts? I feel like I don’t have much time left to decide...

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 03/09/2020 19:23

Yes one year is OK amount of time I would say - enough to know you want to continue or not. What stands out to me is that you haven't talked about what is going on between you, and that you have doubts. Why haven't you talked? And what are your doubts. At this stage at least you should be able to address them one way or another

Original poster
Whataboutthefuture · 03/09/2020 19:24

When I asked him about marriage, and whether he thinks this could work out, he said ‘Yes it has potential’.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whataboutthefuture · 03/09/2020 19:25

What if you don’t know or are unsure? How long do you give it?

OP posts:
user12642379742146 · 03/09/2020 19:27

It depends on the context. There's no magic timeline that will make your decision for you.

Suzi888 · 03/09/2020 19:28

Potential... funny word to use! Had you talked about wanting a child before or only marriage? Did he say he would love a baby? How many years until his mortgage is paid off?
He could be stalling, I don’t know if I’d want to start a family with someone after only being with them for one year... Hmm

AnaViaSalamanca · 03/09/2020 19:32

I wouldn't randomly give it an amount of time. Break it down - are your doubts emotional or rational?

Rational - think what are the things that are important to you, e.g. kindness, empathy, level-headndedness, whatever you think you look for in a partner beyond the surface level qualities. Determine if he has these, do different activities together and don't get stuck in a rut of staying at home watching movies and cooking. Observe him with friends, strangers, children etc

Emotional - that's more difficult, if you are not feeling it, you are not feeling it. Giving it time may or may not resolve this. You can never know

I think you need to define your timelines and address your doubts on your side. Don't get stuck in a limbo because you have to hit a certain number of months or years of being together before making a decision. Sometimes you know earlier, sometimes you need to walk.

seensome · 03/09/2020 19:47

He's the one, When you get on well together, laugh, not many arguments. He enjoys talking about the future, you feel secure in the relationship.

What doubts are there?
If he talks if marriage and children too far off in the distance, then that's not want he wants now. When he says paying off his mortgage first, I wonder how long that would be, talk to him more, maybe try and reach a compromise because although it's not wise to rush it you don't want to wait around hoping and miss your chance of starting a family.

Dery · 03/09/2020 20:06

I would have thought that by one year you should know if you are suited for a long-term partnership. If you have doubts, it would be better not to bring a baby into the relationship - unless you're happy to end up parenting alone (which you might be) or - more to the point - happy to end up bound to a partner you had doubts about when you were with him.

Also - men generally have a considerably bigger window of time in which to have children than women do. He could almost certainly father children well into his 50s. Your fertility window will close much sooner. If a couple are serious about having children together, unless they are very young - say in their 20s - they really need to base themselves on the woman's timeline not the man's. Otherwise, you get the situation (and it does happen sadly) where the woman misses the chance to have children only for her male partner to swan off and start a family with a younger woman.

category12 · 03/09/2020 20:22

Would you be intending to reduce hours or be a SAHP if you had a baby? Because if you would, you really need to think marriage or civil partnership first. Otherwise you're taking a hit to your long-term earning power, career prospects and pension with zero security.

Wondersense · 03/09/2020 21:08

@Whataboutthefuture

When I asked him about marriage, and whether he thinks this could work out, he said ‘Yes it has potential’.
When I asked him about marriage, and whether he thinks this could work out, he said ‘Yes it has potential’.

LOL. How romantic. Hmm

But he does say he wants to pay off his mortgage before starting a family (despite being very well off)

This is total nonsense. Hi mortgage must be astronomical. I would say he's using this to buy time. His reasons for doing do might be sound, but you don't have time to waste. It could take him years to pay it off!!!!

Most people starting families will be paying rent or a mortgage. I would day he's stalling the whole thing.

Original poster
whataboutthefuture · 03/09/2020 22:32

He has only a few years left on the mortgage.

I’ve been reluctant to bring up talking about timelines I guess because it’s scary and also I’ve had doubts.

But I really don’t have time to be waiting around or wasting, do I?

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 04/09/2020 07:02

What’s the logic behind paying off his mortgage?

I think you need to ask him if he actually wants a child when he’s almost 50. If he’s mid forties now and it’ll take a few years to pay the mortgage off.

It sounds like you both discussed the ‘end goal of marriage’ and then you threw a surprise baby into the mix.

The only way to find out is to ask him.

MrsBellamy · 04/09/2020 07:16

Do you live together?
Is the mortgage only in his name?

Paying off the mortgage could be that he wants to be clear that the house was entirely his before a "potential" marriage to prevent you having a claim to it in a potential divorce down the road. I have no idea how that would stand legally.

It could also be a delaying tactic, as others have said most people start a family with rent or a mortgage to pay.

I think you need to have a think yourself about how you would feel about spending your whole life with him, and how you would feel about breaking up, then have a very frank and open discussion about how he feels about the future and take it from there.

I second what PP have said though, get married or civil partnership before having DC especially if the plan is for you to be a SAHP. You need the financial protection before taking the risk to your own career.

BertiesLanding · 04/09/2020 07:23

If you're starting to harbour serious doubts, then it won't work.

PinkMonkeyBird · 04/09/2020 11:07

You say you are harbouring doubts..and that doesn't bode well. I've been with my DP for coming up to a year and we just know we want to be together in a more committed capacity in the future. Specifics can wait re: marriage, but at this stage you should be feeling happy in the relationship and looking forward to the future.

The fact you are having doubts speaks volumes. If your end goal is marriage and a baby, then you might need to look elsewhere as it sounds like he probably doesn't want a baby in the mix, hence using the mortgage as the delaying excuse. It doesn't mean he is being an arsehole, it just means he wants something different to you.

category12 · 04/09/2020 11:16

@whataboutthefuture

He has only a few years left on the mortgage.

I’ve been reluctant to bring up talking about timelines I guess because it’s scary and also I’ve had doubts.

But I really don’t have time to be waiting around or wasting, do I?

If you are mid-30s, every year shrinks your fertility window. What if you wait, he pays off the mortgage, and then he wants to wait for something else - an extension, dream holiday, perfect job, etc etc? You'll have wasted years and your options to leave & start again will seem much worse.

It's his mortgage as well. What benefit are you getting from this? Are you living together? If he's busily feathering his nest, what are you doing? Are you financially secure yourself?

londonscalling · 04/09/2020 11:36

If you're having doubts then he's not the one!

Aerial2020 · 04/09/2020 16:47

Yeah he's stalling for time.
Then when you ask in a few months/years about a family, he will say he never definitely said he would. And in the mean time, you've lost important fertility time.

After a year he should know

Original poster
whataboutthefuture · 04/09/2020 16:50

What’s the logic behind paying off his mortgage?

He wants it paid off so he’s financially secure.

OP posts:
Palavah · 04/09/2020 16:51

What will you do if he is no more enthusiastic in 2, 3 years?

None of this sounds as emphatic as it could or should be at this point.

There is a MASSIVE difference between dating in your mid 30s and your late 30s/ nearly 40.

Dont let him filibuster away your fertility.

Original poster
whataboutthefuture · 04/09/2020 16:51

It sounds like you both discussed the ‘end goal of marriage’ and then you threw a surprise baby into the mix.

Since the first date I told him I’m after a husband and a baby. We talk about it often, so there is no surprise here. I often tell him about my friends struggle during IVF and how they wish they hadn’t left it so late. So he’s aware.

OP posts:
Original poster
whataboutthefuture · 04/09/2020 16:53
  • Do you live together? Is the mortgage only in his name? *

We don’t live together. He has a house and I have an apartment. I’m nowhere near paying off my mortgage. I earn well above average, but he earns triple what I do.

OP posts:
Palavah · 04/09/2020 16:56

If you're going to stay with him, consider freezing your eggs now

Aerial2020 · 04/09/2020 16:58

I would live together first before baby so realistically you do have a timeline fertility wise. If he's not board with that then you need to know.
How would you feel about living together?

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/09/2020 17:01

I would say you need to address your own doubts first - do you even want a marrigae and baby with this guy?

Secondly, it feels to me he is stalling. When you tell his about your dream of marriage and baby, is it his dream too? Or does it feel like he wants it someday, with someone, but not necessarily now and with you?