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Original poster

When to know he’s the one?

53 replies

Whataboutthefuture · 03/09/2020 19:08

I’ve been in a relationship for a year and wondering where it’s going. I’m mid 30s and he’s mid 40s. We’ve both been clear we are after a meaningful relationship with the end goal of marriage. Lately I have been talking about wanting to try to have a baby before I reach 40 at the latest. This hasn’t made him run away! But he does say he wants to pay off his mortgage before starting a family (despite being very well off). We haven’t talked specifically about what’s going on between us and what our plans would be. And in any case I am starting to habour some serious doubts about him and the relationship.

My question is - when should you know? Is a year long enough to know? Or am I wasting my precious time considering I have doubts? I feel like I don’t have much time left to decide...

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 04/09/2020 17:02

Also just read that you are not living together yet either. How come this wasn't brought up by either of you? I think his timelines are much more relaxed.

Original poster
whataboutthefuture · 04/09/2020 17:05

I would say you need to address your own doubts first - do you even want a marrigae and baby with this guy?

I’m not sure Sad Shouldn’t I know by now?

OP posts:
category12 · 04/09/2020 17:06

I think you would know if he was the right guy for you, after a year.

Original poster
whataboutthefuture · 04/09/2020 17:09

I think you would know if he was the right guy for you, after a year.

And if I’m not sure? Give it a bit longer? Or move on?

OP posts:
MaudebeGonne · 04/09/2020 17:11

There is no “the one”. There are two people, with shared hopes, dreams and values who commit to being loyal to each other, no matter what life throws at them. If he is in his mid forties, I’d be looking at his relationship history, and his social circle to see if there is a pattern of relationships that have fizzled out after a couple of years. Are his friends all single. I think you are having doubts because your instinct is telling you that this guy is not a good bet.

Notverygrownup · 04/09/2020 17:13

Are you waiting for a magic wibblywobbly feeling to tell you that he's the one? A shaft of sunlight from a cloud? Or do you have clear criteria that mean you care for someone deeply enough to commit to them? For me it was something like:

Do I trust him to be honest with me?
Does he trust me?
Do we share key values about what a relationship should look like? (eg. what is his parents relationship like and what does he think of that? what about friends we know together? How does he see their relationships and do I agree?)
Do I feel safe with his driving? (Nervous passenger. Couldn't live with a bad driver)
Do we respect each others views about religion/politics/food/sex/money?
Do I like him?
Can we be vulnerable with each other?
Do I get butterflies still when he comes in the room?

HTH

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/09/2020 17:15

It seems to me you are both kind of "meh" about each other. You want a marriage and baby in general, but you don't seem to be that excited about him. He doesn't have the fertility clock so he is not bothered.

Address your doubts in a constructive way. You don't need to put in a certain amount of time to know. Were you single for a long time before meeting him?

Original poster
whataboutthefuture · 04/09/2020 17:17

Do I trust him to be honest with me?
Yes

Does he trust me?
Yes

Do we share key values about what a relationship should look like? (eg. what is his parents relationship like and what does he think of that? what about friends we know together? How does he see their relationships and do I agree?)
Not sure

Do I feel safe with his driving? (Nervous passenger. Couldn't live with a bad driver)
Mostly I drive so this is ok

Do we respect each others views about religion/politics/food/sex/money?
Politics and sex - no
Food and money - yes

Do I like him?
Mostly yes

Can we be vulnerable with each other?
Yes

Do I get butterflies still when he comes in the room?
Yes

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 04/09/2020 17:17

I think if there isn't clarity on either side or both one year in then it's not worth pursuing. I think in your heart you know this isn't the right relationship but you are scared what that could mean for your future in terms of having children. I would move on. The noises he is making don't sound right.

category12 · 04/09/2020 17:19

I think if you love someone, want to spend the rest of your life with them, and want to have children with them, you know it - you don't need to ask yourself a ton of questions or draw up a pros and cons list or whatnot.

I'd pass this guy up and look elsewhere.

Original poster
whataboutthefuture · 04/09/2020 17:19

AnaViaSalamanca

It started off intense and passionate then he had doubts which he voiced. I gave him the benefit of doubt and continued. Then I started to pull away, having doubts myself, but now he insists he wants to be with me, is happy with me etc. Now I’m not sure. The experience has left me wondering if he is sure about me or not. And of course I can’t be sure about someone who isn’t sure about me.

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 04/09/2020 17:28

There is a book - Mr unavailable and the fallback girl. Check it out. It's an entertaining read if nothing else. But anyway the thesis of the book is that emotionally unavailable men (people) want the relationship to be in their comfort zone. They blow hot and cold enough to keep it in a warm comfortable level, but will not commit to either a shared future, nor will they commit to letting you go. Maybe not the case for you but worth checking out.

In any case try to keep your ears open and listen, what are his actual future plans for marriage and children. Not what you want to hear, but his plans. Do his plans involve you? Do you talk of a shared future? Have you met his family? What are the plans of living together?

MaudebeGonne · 04/09/2020 17:29

You can do better

Suzi888 · 04/09/2020 17:37

I know that paying his mortgage will leave him financially secure, but I don’t understand why he has to do that before having a child Hmm
is he planning on giving up work when you have a baby or cutting back on work commitments?
I personally think a year is too soon... but it’s entirely up to you two.

You could freeze your eggs, if you want to stay with him...

chubbyhotchoc · 04/09/2020 17:43

A year is ample. I wouldn't date anyone for more than a year past 28 if I was looking for marriage and kids. I would start withdrawing and being unavailable. Men respond better to actions not words. He knows what you want, as you've already told him. Let him step up or ship out.

chubbyhotchoc · 04/09/2020 17:44

@Whataboutthefuture

When I asked him about marriage, and whether he thinks this could work out, he said ‘Yes it has potential’.
Meh he doesn't sound that keen
category12 · 04/09/2020 17:48

Freezing eggs is often suggested as an option, but it isn't an easy thing to go through, nor is it cheap, nor is it guaranteed to work.

I would gamble on going back into the dating pool rather than wait on someone who has pulled away once already and whose timeline seems pretty extended.

fuandylp · 04/09/2020 18:16

And in any case I am starting to habour some serious doubts about him and the relationship.

What are the serious doubts?
I think you can safely say that if you are having "serious doubts" one year in, then he is not the one.

The paying off the mortgage thing before starting a family is nonsense. He's well off? I don't understand why he has to pay off the mortgage first. Sounds to me like he is making excuses and stalling for time.
I'm afraid I'm a bit skeptical about men in their mid 40s who haven't had children yet (perhaps he has from a previous relationship?) who then start coming up with excuses/delaying tactics when their partner wants to have a child. I really don't think he does want children - sorry.

I think you'd be better off ditching him and moving on. Trust your gut and your gut has serious doubts.

fuandylp · 04/09/2020 18:20

Do we respect each others views about religion/politics/food/sex/money?
Politics and sex - no

What's the problem with the sex?

Cuddling57 · 04/09/2020 18:24

No one can judge apart from you but it's good for you to talk about it.
Don't accept the rubbish about paying off his mortgage before having a child. Absolute rubbish.

Rgy3250999 · 04/09/2020 19:05

Not agreeing on politics might not be a deal breaker, but what’s the sex issue? Stating the obvious here, but trying for a baby can put a strain on anyone’s sex life, so if you’re already on different pages, it doesn’t bode well.

If everything else seems ok, why can’t you sit him down and go through all of this with him? Whilst it may be helpful to put this all down in writing and seek our opinions, the only person that can clarify how he feels and if he really wants marriage and kids, is him.

Have you asked him when he wants to live with you and look at marriage and kids? Do you know sufficient about his financial situation and how much of a mortgage he has left? Have you had conversations about a baby and the cost of childcare or your earnings taking a hit and would he support you? You need to be really honest and talk everything through to plan for this. If you don’t feel you can do this, I think that is the most important sign that this is wrong! Communication is everything.

Palavah · 04/09/2020 19:58

@whataboutthefuture

Do I trust him to be honest with me? Yes

Does he trust me?
Yes

Do we share key values about what a relationship should look like? (eg. what is his parents relationship like and what does he think of that? what about friends we know together? How does he see their relationships and do I agree?)
Not sure

Do I feel safe with his driving? (Nervous passenger. Couldn't live with a bad driver)
Mostly I drive so this is ok

Do we respect each others views about religion/politics/food/sex/money?
Politics and sex - no
Food and money - yes

Do I like him?
Mostly yes

Can we be vulnerable with each other?
Yes

Do I get butterflies still when he comes in the room?
Yes

Imagine you're talking to your best friend, or a favourite niece, or a daughter, about her boyfriend and this is what she says. Is this what you want for her?
Original poster
whataboutthefuture · 04/09/2020 21:08

Palavah I’ve given up the idea of a perfect man and perfect relationship...maybe I do need to settle at my age.

OP posts:
Palavah · 04/09/2020 21:25

I've got a few years on you and I'm giving you the advice I wish I'd heard.

You only have to read a few threads on here to appreciate that getting married and having babies is the beginning of a road, not the finish line.

This isn't a question of settling for someone and something you dont think is perfect because you have a decent sex life and he adores you and you have the same values. This is about accepting breadcrumbs from a guy who, frankly, doesn't sound like he's that into you or the relationship.

category12 · 04/09/2020 22:51

But settling for a guy who wants to wait a few years until he's paid off his mortgage?

How many years?
How old are you?
Do you have the time to risk waiting, if you want dc?
What happens if he puts you off again? Will you still have time?