NC for obvious reasons.
It's not ATAAT but things I've read on here today have provoked introspection, not that I wasn't already dealing with a shit load of guilt as it were.
When I was 23 (five years ago) I fled a horrifically abusive relationship where I was physically and S abused. I moved across the country helped by women's aid and the police with a view to rebuilding my life. After a few months i found a job and met a man there who was a decade older than me and in a position above. He was mentoring me and over time would ask alot of questions about what brought me to the city etc. I was open about why I'd relocated and he began telling me how he could relate because his partner (and mother of his children) is an abusive alcoholic and hits him. He said she has cheated on him relentlessly. I was shocked, appalled and believed him without question because it didn't occur to me at the time that anybody would lie about such a thing. Naive, stupid.. call it what you will.
My boundaries were skewed, I missed DOZENS of red flags and was yet to have done the nessecary work on myself to heal after my ex.
A 'bond' developed based on the fact I thought we could relate to one another. Kindered spirits and all that cliche bollocks. Two people down on their luck after being abused and had 'found' each other.
At the beginning he asked me if I had children and I said no but confided in that I was pregnant some time ago but lost the baby. He said he understood and could relate to that too as his partner had suffered miscarriages and how hard it was. More common ground.
Long story short we had an affair and he left his partner. In the lead up to him leaving her he had done a cracking job of demonizing her to me until the point that I believed she was the devil incarnate.
Despite not feeling any remorse for his partner I did struggle with the guilt of what it would do to the children so I broke it off.
He went on to leave his partner regardless.
Over time I discovered everything he had told me was lies.
I came to speaking to his ex eventually (really nice woman actually) and she doesn't drink, has never hit him oh and has never suffered a miscarriage.
With the benefit of hindsight I hate myself for the part I played in breaking up that family, his ex was nothing but gracious toward me (fuck knows why) and said if it wasn't me then it would have been somebody else. He had form, unsurprisingly.
Also with the benefit of hindsight, there's a part of me that believes he somewhat groomed me. I was vulnerable, in a bad place, alot younger than him and wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole had he not painted the picture he had.
I don't think I'll ever be able to get past the guilt I feel about it, do I even deserve to forgive myself? I don't know. Part of me feels like I'm the scum of the earth but another part of me feels that he took full advantage. I own my wrongdoing regardless.
What are your thoughts? You don't need to mince your words as I'm not looking for sympathy, just genuine perspective.
Am I the scum of the earth or was I manipulated and deserving of forgiveness? (My own, nobody else's)