I can't forgive myself for being the OW

[Ashamed5]

NC for obvious reasons.

It's not ATAAT but things I've read on here today have provoked introspection, not that I wasn't already dealing with a shit load of guilt as it were.

When I was 23 (five years ago) I fled a horrifically abusive relationship where I was physically and S abused. I moved across the country helped by women's aid and the police with a view to rebuilding my life. After a few months i found a job and met a man there who was a decade older than me and in a position above. He was mentoring me and over time would ask alot of questions about what brought me to the city etc. I was open about why I'd relocated and he began telling me how he could relate because his partner (and mother of his children) is an abusive alcoholic and hits him. He said she has cheated on him relentlessly. I was shocked, appalled and believed him without question because it didn't occur to me at the time that anybody would lie about such a thing. Naive, stupid.. call it what you will.

My boundaries were skewed, I missed DOZENS of red flags and was yet to have done the nessecary work on myself to heal after my ex.

A 'bond' developed based on the fact I thought we could relate to one another. Kindered spirits and all that cliche bollocks. Two people down on their luck after being abused and had 'found' each other.

At the beginning he asked me if I had children and I said no but confided in that I was pregnant some time ago but lost the baby. He said he understood and could relate to that too as his partner had suffered miscarriages and how hard it was. More common ground.

Long story short we had an affair and he left his partner. In the lead up to him leaving her he had done a cracking job of demonizing her to me until the point that I believed she was the devil incarnate.

Despite not feeling any remorse for his partner I did struggle with the guilt of what it would do to the children so I broke it off.

He went on to leave his partner regardless.

Over time I discovered everything he had told me was lies.

I came to speaking to his ex eventually (really nice woman actually) and she doesn't drink, has never hit him oh and has never suffered a miscarriage.

With the benefit of hindsight I hate myself for the part I played in breaking up that family, his ex was nothing but gracious toward me (fuck knows why) and said if it wasn't me then it would have been somebody else. He had form, unsurprisingly.

Also with the benefit of hindsight, there's a part of me that believes he somewhat groomed me. I was vulnerable, in a bad place, alot younger than him and wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole had he not painted the picture he had.

I don't think I'll ever be able to get past the guilt I feel about it, do I even deserve to forgive myself? I don't know. Part of me feels like I'm the scum of the earth but another part of me feels that he took full advantage. I own my wrongdoing regardless.

What are your thoughts? You don't need to mince your words as I'm not looking for sympathy, just genuine perspective.

Am I the scum of the earth or was I manipulated and deserving of forgiveness? (My own, nobody else's)

I'm really sorry for what you've been through greeneyes

A married man exploited me during hypomania (bipolar) as did a couple of other dodgy guys. He then took advantage of my psychological weaknesses for 18 months (he's a qualified therapist but he uses what he knows to exploit/manipulate people.)

These narcissistic manipulators know just how to convince a woman. Unless someone's met one of these conmen, especially at a vulnerable moment, they can't judge, or say that it would never happen to them.

@Ashamed5 What you need to do is develop strategies to try and ensure it never happens again. For me that means spotting when someone gives you the creeps/sets of your spider sense, and watching for red flags. Block and steer clear of creeps immediately so they aren't around at a vulnerable time.

I suppose also be skeptical or inwardly question what people say, if it sounds extreme it could well be bollox. Run it through your general knowledge/bullshit filter. For instance, my 'ex' claimed a consultant told him he only had five years to live. My best friend has the same medical condition as him, so I should've realized this was bollox as they would never be told that as they could die tomorrow or last twenty years. But I was so in his thrall that I didn't think to inwardly question this until I finished with him. He also told other stories that I now think were lies.

Plus I suppose if they mirror your story/what you want too much. I.e. you were abused, had a miscarriage and he just 'happened' to have experienced all these. This is a potential sign of bollox designed to make you fall for them.

And please forgive yourself- anyone can turn over a new leaf and it's not even like you made a habit of it. If you really can't forgive yourself, seek therapy.

C’mon OP - you started an affair with a man who was being abused by his alcoholic cheating wife. The fact that he is a lying sociopath is what’s cruel - and he was the one cheating.
Chuck it in the fuckit bucket and learn the lesson and move on. Honestly- as even his wife admits - if it hadn’t been you it would have been someone else and he was out to destroy his family whatever! People do bad things and on any scale I really can’t see why you think yours is something you can’t forgive?
Hope you find what you need OP x

OP

If his ex-partner can forgive you, you can forgive yourself.

It's good that you now would not be in that same situation again, good to recognise the mistakes, but please don't carry the guilt of the split. It sounds like that was happening anyway. You had broken it off when he left his wife, there were other women, the relationship was obviously in serious trouble due to his presence in it! How crazy that he would say those things, what a psycho. And yes, you were vulnerable and you were groomed.