My husband isn't very intimate

[Mum082020]

So me and my husband are both in our early 30s and have we've just had a baby together. He is an amazing husband who is always there to support me and is a great dad to our baby.

The only issue im having is he isn't very affectionate. He's always been like this since we've been married. I've bought this up with him before and he's told me that he's just not the type to show affection, like he doesn't really bother cuddling or kissing unless we're having sex. He's always told me that if I want affection to tell him and he's more than happy to show me it. He spends time with me, plans movie nights l and cooks me meals etc. I just feel really silly asking him to kiss me or hug me 😂.

Does anybody have any advice, usually I'm fine but I guess I want some attention from him as we're not having sex at the moment as I'm recovering from child birth.

Well, I had a similar issue with my husband. I kind of went prescriptive with it. I listed my expectations in detail. I told him....

Every day I would like:

At least one lengthy hug
At least one additional shorter hug
When we are doing the dishes or we are cooking that at least a couple of touches, ie to stroke my back, put an arm around my waist or an arm around my shoulder. When we watch the TV together we sit together, touching in some way.

We hold hands in the cinema etc,
We link arms/hold hands when we are on dates.

It was strange at first and he would joke had he met the requirements for that day.... But it became second nature pretty quickly. We are twenty years on from that conversation. If your husband is communicative and responsive I would try it. It really worked for me.

Your husband has told you he needs your help to be more touchy feely, so why can't you help him? It simply doesn't come naturally for a LOT of people. With time, he may become more demonstrative without prompting, or he may not. Either way, he is who he is, and you've always known this. Take it or leave it, really.

I think you may need to accept that he isn't touchy feely to some extent, especially as he has always been like it. Much like your DH, I'm not a touchy feely person usually and my DP understands that even though he is a lot more tactile than me, it doesn't mean I love him any less. I show affection by doing things for him, making gestures, being supportive etc.

Listing specific demands about touching etc does seem like a bit much to me (horses for courses obviously) and could end up being mechanical or awkward for him which sort of defeats the object. I would be worried if I couldn't fufill the other persons physical wishes and it would feel forced.

You could try approaching him and initiating more hugs, hold his hand on the sofa etc. When your recovery from childbirth is complete, you will be back on track.

Sound daft but try giving signals, like if you want a kiss, instead of saying it, get his attention and pout your lips in his direction And hopefully he would follow the ques? Same with hugs, open your arms whilst walking up to him

The advice about being prescriptive and just doing it till it feels natural is sctually spot on. I've seen therapists talk about this - because though it feels strange at first that wears off and you are left with genuine affection.

He cares about you and wants to make you happy. Take this chance while you have it

@Vodkacranberryplease

Thanks for saying that, I felt like a bit of an idiot after posting, so it made me feel less ridiculous.