Husband wants only one child now

[blueleonburger]

Hello all,

I’ve lurked for a long time but this is my first time signing up and posting a question. I’m going round in loops in my head on what to do so hoping another perspective can help.

I’m 28 years old and DH is 29, nearly 30. We have no children. We’ve been married for 3 years, together for 6 in total. From the beginning when we first dated I was always open about wanting a big family. I was happy with the idea of 4 kids even! Looking back, four kids is probably a lot but I said this to him and he didn’t seem fazed at all. He was happy with the idea with having lots of children in the family and understood it was important to me.

A year or so after we got married, he changed his mind said he wanted two children. Initially I was very upset by this. His reasons were mainly environmental, and if I wanted more than 2 kids he’d only be happy with it being done via adoption. I explored my own reasons for desiring a big family with my therapist at the time (likely related to grief and loss in my own family). Eventually I came to terms that two would be it and I accepted it and moved on.

Now in the last three weeks he’s changed his mind again and now only wants one biological child. He says he’s firm on this and again says the reasons are environmental. I appreciate his reasons are valid but I’m personally devastated. I feel what my vision of my little family would look like is being taken away. He says adoption is always a possibility too but for me it wouldn't be the same and I’d rather have at least two of my own.

His environmental views have become stronger over the years and although I appreciate them I sometimes feel he’s quite judgemental and critical of how I live my own life (e.g driving with the car, refusing solar panels because it’s too expensive to get them installed, wanting any future children to eat veggie only etc). I do my part to help but feel it’s never enough and I’ve started to become resentful.

I’ve tried to imagine life with just one kid of my own and it just makes me sad. I think I’ll always think “just one more”. I can’t be angry at him because his reasons are valid and I can’t force him to have a child he doesn’t want.

I keep going over different scenarios in my head. Is this enough justification to leave? It’s not like he’s saying he doesn’t want ANY children. And if I left there’s no guarantee I’d find someone, and if I did, could successfully have children with. If we stayed together, we might change our minds. We might not. And one of us would be resentful.

What do you think? I’d very much appreciate hearing another opinion on this as I feel completely at a loss what to do.

The question is why do you have to sacrifice for a cause that isn’t yours? One of my friends isn’t married, doesn’t have kids and spends her time teaching climate change issues. Good for her. Noble. She believes the same as your husband. Reproduction is bad. She would never dream of expecting me not to reproduce. My values/beliefs are different. If he suddenly became a polygamist would you then go along with him having more wives? Why should you not have two kids because of his “religion”. You are being punished for his beliefs. If you were perfectly happy with a small family or no family then fantastic. Off you go. No problem. But you’re not. You have quite clearly stated what you want. That is your right. You can have as many kids as you want. I have many friends with no kids. That’s their right. I have many friends with 3+ kids. That’s their right. Why should you not get to have what you want. Are you really truly happy being the one who doesn’t get to live the life she wants. Sure, you might have fertility issues or not like being pregnant etc etc etc but COME ON.. that’s not true of most people. You are healthy, with an average cycle with absolutely nothing strange or weird going on. You know you have just as much chance as Mrs Joe Bloggs round the corner. He’s ripping this away from you. How would you feel in ten years time if you don’t stay together?

This level of flip flopping, give it time and he’ll be wanting 0 children. Adoption is not for the faint hearted, while an admirable thing to do. It takes time, a lot of emotional investment from all sides and requires a rock solid support network. Plus strength of character which I’m sorry to put bluntly, your DH appears to lack since his convictions change so easily.

The question is can you live with his decision to have a small family where it is within your capability to change that reality? Will you be happy and fulfilled? Can you reconcile any feelings of resentment or regret If they arise?

Goodluck OP, it’s a tough shout.

Selfish for wanting 2 children?? Does than mean that if you have 1 child you will still be a little bit selfish then?

He’s talking out of his arse about adoption. Never gonna happen. I’ve got a friend who adopted a son. She is a rock solid, incredible woman who had several kids of her own. They then got older and she then adopted. They don’t let people like your husband adopt. They’re going to put you both through extensive psychological testing and he will fail.

Hi all,

No concrete timeline. We’re getting some building work done to the house then next year or the year after I was hoping we could start TTC.

I hear what people say about the incompatibility. But I always felt well no one is perfect. We are compatible in other areas just not this one, arguably the most important.

Before I met him I had a few flings. But ultimately he’s the only long term relationship I’ve ever had since my early twenties. I’m terrified about divorce and what that might look like so it’s not easy for me to just say it to him. What if I don’t meet anyone else with my values? I think I need to get to a point where I’m absolutely sure this is a deal breaker for me and put it out there to him. I’m meeting a friend on Friday I’ll discuss with her see what she thinks too as she knows him very well.

Tell him to read this article below. Not to say you shouldn't adopt as well, but having more biological children would actually be helping a very dire situation coming on the horizon. People have been wrongly parroting this overpopulation myth for years now.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/health-53409521

I would be thinking of leaving, he’s starting to dictate now, brought up veggie, only one now. Then he’s critical of what you do! That’s not on in my view

What happens if you have twins! Or god forbid trip,etc, will he send one or two out to be adopted?

If you want a family and he doesn’t then you are only going to end up resenting him

Move on

If this really is a big deal for you, you need to leave. You're no longer compatible with each other and it sounds as though he is not willing to compromise.

You only get one life, you don't deserve to spend rest of yours unhappy and resentful. You have plenty of time to find someone who wants the same as you.

I feel like I am your husband in this situation to an extent. At one point for similar reasons I wanted no kids and DH freaked out a bit. Then I changed my mind and now I have one and I could imagine having another. But I kind of want to move to the country and grow my own crops and live sustainably while DH would never contemplate this in a million years. I have a feeling on everything we will end up meeting in the middle.

I think you husband is getting a bit of a rough deal on this. 6 years ago when he was 23 he didn’t object when you said you wanted a big family. It’s likely he also wanted a family and hadn’t planned out his entire life at 23. When you got married he said he wanted 2 kids. It is likely many other things affected his thinking as well as environmental concerns such as realising how much they cost, how much time and energy they need etc.
As for the environmental impact, there has been a lot more information available and this has become a more mainstream necessary issue in recent years and it seems he has developed passionate feelings about that which has changed the decisions he makes in his life. This isn’t moving the goal posts. I suspect he feels the change has gone from 2 to 1 child however you feel it has gone from 4 to 1 (assuming he didn’t agree to 4, he just didn’t object) so there is a disconnect as to what you feel you have compromised on and what he feels.
It seems you have both grown up and found your own drivers in life and they aren’t compatible. You are young so you may be able to find someone more compatible but I do struggle with the immediate reaction to divorce and leave because he won’t concede to having 2+ children now that he understands a bit more about the sacrifices involved.

I have a lot of sympathy with your predicament but it doesn't seem to me that your husband has been stringing you along, as some as suggesting. You were both very young when you first got together. It sounds like your husband has changed more in the last six years than you have and that you have grown to want different things. That's no one's fault.

In the last six years many people have realised the importance of the environment and we all know that having fewer children is the most environmentally-friendly option. I wouldn't be recommending anyone to have four children these days. But personally, like you, I wouldn't want only one child and two seems like a good compromise to me.

There's no easy answer. You have to decide what is more important to you. Whether you stay in your marriage or not, there are no guarantees that you will be able to have two - or indeed any - children of your own. But it does sound to me that you are becoming less compatible in many ways.

Its not fair on you that he keeps changing his mind. Is he a keen environmentalist or is he just making excuses?
As he changed his mind so often i think there is a real possibility that he may decide he doesn't want any children at all.
You really need to ask him to be completely honest with you. When are you planning to try and conceive? You have time on your side but really if kids are important to you and not to him you maybe incompatible, you could waste years of your life and not end up having kids with him at all . How is the rest of your relationship?

'they' decided to terminate . . . wonder exactly how true that is. Bet there was a lot of him pressuring, because honestly, he hasn't changed, he doesn't really want kids. He doesn't. He can take it or leave it. Want to know how I know? When I met my present husband, he was straight up about wanting a family and not wanting to date anyone for whom this was a never. And he was younger than your h is now.

I'm old enough to be your mother. I would want better for my daughter than a man like this. I would be heartbroken for her if she decided to abandon what she truly wants out of life to mould herself around someone else, because she'd never be happy doing so; that is a losing game. He's controlling and will always put his needs first. So no, he's not going to be a 'great' father, great fathers accept that their children are not extensions of themselves to control.

Don't conceive with him. While you're jumping for joy over the test stick, he'll be working up to tell you he's changed his mind - again.

And he's likely to be the reluctant dad who says, "You're the one who wanted this," every time a nappy needs changing. Have your children with someone as keen as you are; as keen as he pretended to be.

100% this!

The relationship has run its course. It's actually very common for this to happen around your ages having been together a similar length of time. You've changed a lot. This doesn't have to be your life and I hope it's not because you'll be very unhappy and possibly never had a child because of him. And he can have kids till he dies.

This is a no compromise area. See a solicitor about divorce and start planning. My ex and I lived in our house together till it sold. Then we split it and use that to as a deposit for places of our own. It was hard but I'm so glad I did it.

Oh dear, you shouldn't have kids with this man even if he wanted 4!
Vegan children in second hand clothes who are not allowed to travel because their daddy doesn't approve of environmental impact..

I understand your predicament, are you really happy with every other part of your relationship?

I used to want 3 kids and DH wanted 5! We then had our son and are both very much done and sticking with one. We weren't planning to have an only child but we couldn't be happier with that now. On the flipside, perhaps you'll have one child and your DH will change his mind and want to do it again?

I think he has masterfully future faked you. He was happy to have 4 children, then nope, just 2, then nope, just one. Him saying no children is not far off. He's just trying to keep you happy, and he's not even doing a good job of that.

Time is ticking. Don't waste your fertile years on a man like this.

You’ve not even had one child yet! You might hate being a parent and decide one if enough or you’re husband might decide he loves being a Dad and want more!

Your*

There is a pattern here that will repeat in your life if you stay.
He will decide what is allowed based on his environmental preferences and you will be expected to comply.

If you are happy to live with that, then stay, if not, don't waste anymore time on this.

@GameSetMatch

You’ve not even had one child yet! You might hate being a parent and decide one if enough or you’re husband might decide he loves being a Dad and want more!

Not the point. He's a controlling person who changes his mind a lot. Who'd want to use their child as a guinea pig to a person like that?

@blueleonburger

Hi everyone. I’m kinda blown away by how quickly the responses have come in. I’ll respond to what I’ve read off the top of my head. Not sure how to collate replies in one post.

Someone said I may be pressurising myself prematurely, what if either one of us changes our mind or find pregnancy difficult and be happy with one after all? I have thought about this and it’s part of why I’ve felt stuck. I do know that I’ve been consistent for years in wanting children and if able would likely have more than two. I know motherhood will be hard but I don’t think I’ll regret choosing that over a life with no children. Before he met me, DH got his ex pregnant accidentally (they eventually decided to terminate) so I presume he has no fertility problems on his side. I’m generally healthy and slim with regular periods so I assume my fertility would be good too but of course you never know. If we did need IVF I don’t think his heart would be in it to be honest. That does worry me. He would say “well that’s how it is” and just live without children most likely than go through the effort of IVF. I would want to try.

Also I may be thinking about this too early but we’ve been married 3 years, own our own home and having children is the next natural step. I don’t want to risk getting to the point where we have one child and I want another one and he doesn’t. Or that I’m strung along so far down the line and he decided he doesn’t want any. I don’t want to leave it later than necessary.

I have asked many times, calmly (promise!) if he would rather have no children at all? His words were he thinks he would be sad to have no children at all. So I will take he means what he says.

Apart from this issue, our relationship is very good. I respect him and imagine how great of a father he would be. He’s generally attentive to my needs and supportive of my goals apart from this issue. I admire his confidence, especially when I consider myself more introverted.

He is open to adoption because he says the children are already there and in need of family. We’re not adding to the environmental problems by reproducing. I get what he means but i don’t think I’m overly selfish just wanting two? He said I am??

He would be sad to have no children at all. I’m sad we don’t have any chocolate in the house! Honestly, that’s a cop out response and I think he is likely to be, at best, fairly indifferent to it.

He might be your only long term relationship but there is no reason to think you won’t be in another one with someone who is happy to have children.

You are young and I would move on. It is very unnerving and unfair to shift the goalposts like this. I would have liked a few children but circumstances changed and I'm more than happy with just one. However, you cannot go ahead and have one and then find out that's it if he then will not consider adoption. Or he leaves

I think people are misreading your husband. I don't think he's been trying to mislead you. From his point of view, it is such a difficult place to be when you want to enjoy a normal life yet have a sense of how bad things might become in the future. For me, I do feel that coronavirus is just a taste of a series of worsening disasters that our future has in store. I am torn every day in what to do and how to behave. To some people I'm crazy. I wonder if I'm crazy. But I don't think I am, I think as a society we are collectively in a bit of a normalcy bias phase. But I also want to be normal and have friends and go out and have a nice time. I don't want to be weird. My DH doesn't have any of my concerns and I'm grateful for the normalcy and optimism he brings! But in turn he was grateful in March when I had started stocking the cupboards for covid in January. I'm actually interested to hear that other people are going through these conflicts as well. More and more people must be.

You are young enough to start again with someone who respects you enough to be honest with you. I know you believe love will be enough to save your marriage/relationship but it only goes so far. You will end up resenting him or "accidentally" getting pregnant again, bringing an innocent child into a scenario where its 50:50 they are not wanted. He needs to be with someone who wants what he wants

I think he's so selfish. It's ok to compromise on his principles if it makes him sad. You on the other hand don't get a voice. Really, this gets worse and worse.