Husband wants only one child now

[blueleonburger]

Hello all,

I’ve lurked for a long time but this is my first time signing up and posting a question. I’m going round in loops in my head on what to do so hoping another perspective can help.

I’m 28 years old and DH is 29, nearly 30. We have no children. We’ve been married for 3 years, together for 6 in total. From the beginning when we first dated I was always open about wanting a big family. I was happy with the idea of 4 kids even! Looking back, four kids is probably a lot but I said this to him and he didn’t seem fazed at all. He was happy with the idea with having lots of children in the family and understood it was important to me.

A year or so after we got married, he changed his mind said he wanted two children. Initially I was very upset by this. His reasons were mainly environmental, and if I wanted more than 2 kids he’d only be happy with it being done via adoption. I explored my own reasons for desiring a big family with my therapist at the time (likely related to grief and loss in my own family). Eventually I came to terms that two would be it and I accepted it and moved on.

Now in the last three weeks he’s changed his mind again and now only wants one biological child. He says he’s firm on this and again says the reasons are environmental. I appreciate his reasons are valid but I’m personally devastated. I feel what my vision of my little family would look like is being taken away. He says adoption is always a possibility too but for me it wouldn't be the same and I’d rather have at least two of my own.

His environmental views have become stronger over the years and although I appreciate them I sometimes feel he’s quite judgemental and critical of how I live my own life (e.g driving with the car, refusing solar panels because it’s too expensive to get them installed, wanting any future children to eat veggie only etc). I do my part to help but feel it’s never enough and I’ve started to become resentful.

I’ve tried to imagine life with just one kid of my own and it just makes me sad. I think I’ll always think “just one more”. I can’t be angry at him because his reasons are valid and I can’t force him to have a child he doesn’t want.

I keep going over different scenarios in my head. Is this enough justification to leave? It’s not like he’s saying he doesn’t want ANY children. And if I left there’s no guarantee I’d find someone, and if I did, could successfully have children with. If we stayed together, we might change our minds. We might not. And one of us would be resentful.

What do you think? I’d very much appreciate hearing another opinion on this as I feel completely at a loss what to do.

Don't bother with bluffs or 'tempted' to tell him X, Y or Z. He bluffed you, he said what you wanted to hear to get you where he wanted, now he's been slowly chipping away at your core needs to get what he wants. He's allowed to change his mind, but not yours. And he's getting more critical.

He's controlling. That's the last thing children need in a parent. What if they don't want to be veggie, or they want to drive a car, etc etc.

You're over there going to bloody therapy to mould yourself into something that appeases him, not him.

You need to divorce him.

Oh dear. There seems to be multiple issues here of which a child is just one of them!

I agree with some of the posters here in thinking how long is it before 1 child becomes none. You're living with someone who's quite extreme. I relate to his worry about the environment, but I think parenthood for you will be filled with arguments. You will want to indulge your child or children in xyz every now and again, and he'll be there, frowning, questioning or resisting because xyz isn't good for the environment. It's an entire lifestyle, like a religion. How will you agree on the diet of your children?? If they want to go on a trip abroad when they're older, will he lecturing them about air miles? How about inspecting where you buy clothes? The car gives you freedom. Although plenty of people live without them, it's a lot longer and more difficult to get places. You will be expected to drive the children everywhere because he has a lofty reason not to.

Also, 'adoption' runs off the tongue for this type of person, as if it's like going out and buying one from a shop, but adoption is no picnic! Really!

Please consider ending this relationship. You are 28 and a lot of men mature and really start thinking about having children at around this age or a bit older. It's a good time for you to start over, even though that's the last thing you might want to do, and I can totally understand why.

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else.

What you're missing here is that he is paying absolutely no attention to what YOU want and how YOU feel. You are his wife; you have already compromised on what you always said you wanted. He still wants it his own way.

He will put off trying for a baby and then he'll say he doesn't want any now - because of the way his "views have developed".

I'm sorry but you have to end your marriage. Find someone else who wants the life that you want.

PS I only ever wanted one child and that's what we have but if my dh had felt very strongly about it, we definitely would have tried for a second.

I’m sorry OP but why? Why should you have a therapist to mitigate and negate your feelings/needs/wants for 4 children. Did your husband go get a therapist to persuade him from one to four? Why is it always the woman who has to compromise what she wants for the husband. He can have kids until he’s 80 right? You can’t. It’s now or never. He can fanny you around and then when he’s 40 change his mind AGAIN and dump you and go have kids with somebody else. I’m sick of reading about women accepting a sub standard life to keep a man happy. You should stick to what you want and go get it. Why do you even still want to be with him after this? I compromised my want for a big family. Do you know what it got me? Nothing but disrespect and unhappiness. If you are always pushing down what you want then you end up old, bitter and resentful while the bloke is perfectly happy swanning around because he got what he wanted right? If I was your age, with hindsight, I would dump immediately at this mind change and spend time/energy finding somebody who wants the same as you. There are plenty of guys out there who would give their right arm to be with a loving partner who wants a big family. Why are you throwing your life away on this guy?

I agree you're incompatible, but has he spoken to a therapist too?

I have bouts of environmental anxiety. I often think having my son is cruel because every person that is brought into this world will create a huge carbon footprint, moreso as they grow older. I also get anxiety about my son living in a world where the environment could change so rapidly and feel guilty for bringing someone into the world to endure that.

But those are anxieties. The basis for concern is the same but the anxieties also stop you seeing the other side of everything.

Wouldn't it make sense, if you're worried about the environment, to raise your children in such a way that they respect the environment and make better choices?

Ultimately, he is still free to choose if he wants any number or no children, but before calling it quits you could ask him to talk to a therapist about this because he could have other anxieties driving his choices.

@squeaver

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else.

What you're missing here is that he is paying absolutely no attention to what YOU want and how YOU feel. You are his wife; you have already compromised on what you always said you wanted. He still wants it his own way.

He will put off trying for a baby and then he'll say he doesn't want any now - because of the way his "views have developed".

I'm sorry but you have to end your marriage. Find someone else who wants the life that you want.

PS I only ever wanted one child and that's what we have but if my dh had felt very strongly about it, we definitely would have tried for a second.

OP, I agree with this 100% - as others have noted too.

your DH is controlling, he is using environmental concern to control you in the way puritanical Christian men used Christianity to control their wives before that became socially unacceptable. There were actually some great articles published about the similarity between environmentalists and fundamentalists in terms of their personality.

So you need to leave and make a life with someone who values you and your wants as much as you value him and his wants. That's what a good marriage looks like.

You should say to him “I accept that you have your views on how many children you want. I hope you accept that I have the right to my own views too. We want different things so I therefore, end this marriage from today. I wish you all the best. No hard feelings” then mean it

I think no one has a clue how many children they really want until they've had one

So have one and then revisit it

Oh and as someone so “worried” about the environment, I fully expect that he doesn’t drive? Never gets on an aeroplane? Volunteers for an environmental charity and grows his own food? Right? He’s letting his views impact your family and future so that’s the very least that can be expected of somebody so passionate.

I left an ex because he didn't want to have children. I already had one and knew I wanted at least one more. I knew I would resent him if I stayed with him.
I couldn't live with someone judging me in every move I make either.
I would end the marriage OP. Sounds like you have always had your heart set on children. What's to say he won't change his mind again and decide he never wants kids?

He sounds like a pain.
It's all very well having views but trying to foist them on others all the time is not good for relationships.
Let me guess, he talks a lot, you listen a lot. It's not a conversation if only one person is talking and the other person is looking at their laptop nodding, hmm, or 'I know'.
Could you say "don't tell me what to do. I want more than one child so if that's a deal breaker for you, you need to consider your options."

Hi everyone. I’m kinda blown away by how quickly the responses have come in. I’ll respond to what I’ve read off the top of my head. Not sure how to collate replies in one post.

Someone said I may be pressurising myself prematurely, what if either one of us changes our mind or find pregnancy difficult and be happy with one after all? I have thought about this and it’s part of why I’ve felt stuck. I do know that I’ve been consistent for years in wanting children and if able would likely have more than two. I know motherhood will be hard but I don’t think I’ll regret choosing that over a life with no children. Before he met me, DH got his ex pregnant accidentally (they eventually decided to terminate) so I presume he has no fertility problems on his side. I’m generally healthy and slim with regular periods so I assume my fertility would be good too but of course you never know. If we did need IVF I don’t think his heart would be in it to be honest. That does worry me. He would say “well that’s how it is” and just live without children most likely than go through the effort of IVF. I would want to try.

Also I may be thinking about this too early but we’ve been married 3 years, own our own home and having children is the next natural step. I don’t want to risk getting to the point where we have one child and I want another one and he doesn’t. Or that I’m strung along so far down the line and he decided he doesn’t want any. I don’t want to leave it later than necessary.

I have asked many times, calmly (promise!) if he would rather have no children at all? His words were he thinks he would be sad to have no children at all. So I will take he means what he says.

Apart from this issue, our relationship is very good. I respect him and imagine how great of a father he would be. He’s generally attentive to my needs and supportive of my goals apart from this issue. I admire his confidence, especially when I consider myself more introverted.

He is open to adoption because he says the children are already there and in need of family. We’re not adding to the environmental problems by reproducing. I get what he means but i don’t think I’m overly selfish just wanting two? He said I am??

Or 'if you want to continue having visiting rights to my vagina, you better start getting on board with my program for the future sonny'.

Agree with the others who say don't put too much emphasis on what he says about future numbers now - you both may feel totally different after actually doing it.
If he's happy to TTC the first when you are, take it from there. If not, well then you do have a problem

I respect him and imagine how great of a father he would be. He’s generally attentive to my needs and supportive of my goals apart from this issue. I admire his confidence, especially when I consider myself more introverted".

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What is there to love and or respect about this man?. he has to my mind strung you along throughout your entire relationship, let alone marriage here.

Your comment here is written out of denial (that is also a powerful force) and you trying to put a gloss on how bad things are. He's not a decent husband to you let alone father material. Look at his position on children and his entrenched views on environmentalism. You and he are fundamentally incompatible and the only views that matter to he are his own.

You’re not selfish -or not any more than any human being who reproduces, which is to say most of us. There’s a worrying absolutism about the way you describe Dh and the way that you are the moveable element here...

He sounds like a complete asshole .
Sorry but he can't play with your life like this !!!!
His views ! He doesn't give anyone else's views a fair go
It's not too late for you
Find someone more open minded and fill your house with babies ! And have fun making them !❤️
Life is way too short to be controlled like this
I wish you all the luck in the world he'll only get more miserable as the years go by and you'll be stuck and it'll be too late for you
Xxx

Don't conceive with him. While you're jumping for joy over the test stick, he'll be working up to tell you he's changed his mind - again.

And he's likely to be the reluctant dad who says, "You're the one who wanted this," every time a nappy needs changing. Have your children with someone as keen as you are; as keen as he pretended to be.

Also, adoption isn't what he seems to think it is. Not a bit. Not any more.

What is the reason you aren’t ttc? 29, married for 3 years...When you talk about it is there a concrete timeframe? like others I see potential for his 1 child to become none. To plan a singLe child would be a deal breaker for me and like you I’ve been clear about what I want. The betrayal of changing those goal posts on me would prob be enough to make the marriage not work. I’d seriously think about your deal breakers as you’d do much better to leave at 29 than to leave still childless at 35.

I had two kids with a man who wasn't sure he really wanted any. I thought he'd love them when we had them, which he did. But with hindsight, I'd underestimated the extent to which being a family man was something he didn't want. People said how lucky we were when DC2 was a girl to have one if each, and it made him cringe to be that conventional, ideal happy family.

I realize now that it's not just about loving children, but also about how you feel about being in a family.

The relationship didn't last. I'm now remarried with DSC as well and much happier. I think I'd probably advise you to move on to find someone who shares your desire for family life.

Oh god get out now OP. If he’s like this at such a young age then it’s only going to get worse or more ingrained. Save yourself from a life of plant dyed linen and slow cooked lentils.

Will he want everything for baby second hand? Will he feel wretched at all the toys your child will accumulate and want everything that child eats to be vegetarian and made from scratch? Not that these are faults but are you both on the same page here too? He has changed his tune a lot since you married, and YOU are expected to bear the brunt of these changes. If you’re not in agreement on such a fundamental issue, then your marriage will founder as your rock of resentment grows. You could call his bluff and suggest he has a vasectomy and see what he says to that....But seriously, this is a huge problem for you op, if you don’t want to sacrifice that little family you dreamed of.

One thing to be aware of - do NOT simply assume as your DH seems to be that you can always adopt if you want. That is an extreme myth.

You are quite young and have time to find someone else. But there isn't a lot of time to spare - to meet someone new, form a strong long-term relationship, then start having children (which isn't always straightforward). And there's no guarantee that that new man wouldn't change his mind on things.

However, given the situation, it seems to me that you and your DH are no longer compatible, you don't want the same long-term goals, you don't share the same vision of your future. That seems catastrophic to a relationship to me. It could lead to huge resentment. But, if you abandon this relationship, and you don't find a new one, and you still want a family, you may need to investigate sperm donation and single-parenthood.
Good luck OP, really difficult decisions to make.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, OP. I have read some advice to try for one child and then see how you feel. I think if you’re certain you want more than one child, then this is really poor advice, as in order to have another child presumably you’d have to divorce your DH. Lots of children have separated parents and there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with that - I do believe that children are happier with divorced but happy parents, as opposed to unhappily married parents. (However there are lots of unhappily divorced parents as well, which really is damaging to children.) Having said this, for the most part the parents’ intention wasn’t to split up before they even have a child, it’s something that happens afterwards. I think bringing a child into a situation where you know you’re not going to remain married would be unfair on the child. They are a little person whose whole life will be affected by your choices.

OP, I know you haven’t even suggested doing this, and it doesn’t seem like that’s in your thinking at all. I just found it troubling that this advice doesn’t seem to take into account the hypothetical child at all.

Also, I would second the comments about adoption not just being an alternative to having your own child. Adopted children have complex needs and require therapeutic parenting to address the trauma they have experienced before joining their adoptive family, as well as the trauma of being adopted. Adopting a child is not just like having your own child. It isn’t lesser, but it is different, and it’s perfectly okay not to want to adopt a child. I find it pretty grim when people suggest they could ‘just’ adopt a child, as your DH is doing. It’s a throwaway comment which doesn’t take into account the complexities of adoption - and the very real and significant needs of the human beings involved in it - at all. Someone can be a fantastic parent to their own child but that does not necessarily mean that they are capable of meeting the needs of an adopted child. Your DH is suggesting this as if it is a given that you would be approved to adopt, which may well not be the case - particularly as you want biological children and he seems to have given no thought at all to the implications of adopting a child. If this is the only way he is willing to have two children then I would urge you to look more closely into the reality of adoption before making any decisions based on this suggestion.