Husband wants only one child now

[blueleonburger]

Hello all,

I’ve lurked for a long time but this is my first time signing up and posting a question. I’m going round in loops in my head on what to do so hoping another perspective can help.

I’m 28 years old and DH is 29, nearly 30. We have no children. We’ve been married for 3 years, together for 6 in total. From the beginning when we first dated I was always open about wanting a big family. I was happy with the idea of 4 kids even! Looking back, four kids is probably a lot but I said this to him and he didn’t seem fazed at all. He was happy with the idea with having lots of children in the family and understood it was important to me.

A year or so after we got married, he changed his mind said he wanted two children. Initially I was very upset by this. His reasons were mainly environmental, and if I wanted more than 2 kids he’d only be happy with it being done via adoption. I explored my own reasons for desiring a big family with my therapist at the time (likely related to grief and loss in my own family). Eventually I came to terms that two would be it and I accepted it and moved on.

Now in the last three weeks he’s changed his mind again and now only wants one biological child. He says he’s firm on this and again says the reasons are environmental. I appreciate his reasons are valid but I’m personally devastated. I feel what my vision of my little family would look like is being taken away. He says adoption is always a possibility too but for me it wouldn't be the same and I’d rather have at least two of my own.

His environmental views have become stronger over the years and although I appreciate them I sometimes feel he’s quite judgemental and critical of how I live my own life (e.g driving with the car, refusing solar panels because it’s too expensive to get them installed, wanting any future children to eat veggie only etc). I do my part to help but feel it’s never enough and I’ve started to become resentful.

I’ve tried to imagine life with just one kid of my own and it just makes me sad. I think I’ll always think “just one more”. I can’t be angry at him because his reasons are valid and I can’t force him to have a child he doesn’t want.

I keep going over different scenarios in my head. Is this enough justification to leave? It’s not like he’s saying he doesn’t want ANY children. And if I left there’s no guarantee I’d find someone, and if I did, could successfully have children with. If we stayed together, we might change our minds. We might not. And one of us would be resentful.

What do you think? I’d very much appreciate hearing another opinion on this as I feel completely at a loss what to do.

[MondayYogurt]

[quote LilyWater]Tell him to read this article below. Not to say you shouldn't adopt as well, but having more biological children would actually be helping a very dire situation coming on the horizon. People have been wrongly parroting this overpopulation myth for years now.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/health-53409521[/quote]
It's not 'just' overpopulation that makes people think twice about having more children.

Perhaps he's concerned about the CO2 an extra developed-world human will pump into the atmosphere? Maybe he is thinking about the footprint that extra child will leave in terms of plastic pollution, air pollution, and soil degradation?

And as for fear mongering stories about population crashes in 80 years, there are plenty more global issues to worry about before then.

OP - Really good to hear he values you and your relationship.

[richtea12]

You have described my own partner, he is literally exactly the same. We have one child and he will not budge on having another despite so many conversations, arguments etc. It's for the same environmental reasons. Since school returned there are several mums who have new babies or pregnant and one who is pregnant with her fourth! I asked him why it's ok for others to have so many children and not us but he says that up to them. You have my sympathy, if he's anything like my partner he won't change his mind.

[Sundance2741]

I'm glad you've talked to him. I hope things work out for you. Keep communicating!

[Catawaul]

My XH changed his mind about having children. I was pregnant at the time.

[Backtobasics5]

After reading your update it sounds like your husband has only agreed to have kids to please you (I hope I’m wrong) and it all works out for you.

I don’t think you over thought anything. I think if you was to turn around and say your not fussed about having children anymore... your husband would be fine with that.

Having a child is a huge deal and there’s no guarantee of how you will feel at the best of times.

[Fatted]

He will want no kids soon OP. Just wait.

But I have to admit, I think you are probably being a bit optimistic to want four kids. I am one of four when I say this!

[Fifthtimelucky]

Well done, OP. Sounds like you have had an honest discussion and have agreed a good outcome.

Hope it all works out for you.

[PicsInRed]

I think you'll come to regret this and you'll be back to trying to decide whether to leave when you're 36, 39, 44 and have one child (but he's taking measures to avoid you conceiving more). It will only get more difficult to leave from here.

Words are so easy to utter. You know he's a liar. How do you know it's suddenly the truth?

[cowthatjumpedoverthemoon]

I think you’re both massively overthinking this! I’m currently pregnant with my first and I’ve changed my mind numerous times about wanting a big family 4+ children and the time frame in which l’ll have another. Pregnancy is hard and I’m sure parenthood will be harder so I honestly think until you have your first neither of you are going to really know what type of family set up you both want.

You have to start from somewhere to see what will suit you best as a couple and as a family but I think most people once they have a child want to give them a sibling.

[BingoGo]

I think you should compromise more. Maybe you should get more into being environmentally friendly if you want to change his mind about kids. Otherwise you will only keep drifting apart if you don't do this as a team.

[emmylousings]

*shifts, though 'shitfs' could be a thing!?

[emmylousings]

I agree with what others have said about how you might be overthinking something you don't have complete control over; however, also agree with others pointing out that you are still young. Also, 6 years together isn't that long in the big scheme of things, so not the end of your romantic life if you split from him.
I do feel for you, mt DP started out saying he wanted lots of kids, then backtracked to not wanting any -we managed to compromise on one, but it took several years, was tough, I was ready to walk at one point. Still resent him for all the emotional hassle it created. And, when things were tough with the baby he came out with the classic 'I told you I didn't want to do this'. Ask him to be 100% honest with you - does he really want to do it at all? Ask him without any ultimatums, then consider your options based on what you make of his asnwer (and bearing in mind his previous shitfs!)

[fuandylp]

I keep going over different scenarios in my head. Is this enough justification to leave? It’s not like he’s saying he doesn’t want ANY children.

How long before he suddenly decides he doesn't want any at all?
When you start talking about ttc, guaranteed he'll come up with a reason why it's too soon. Then he'll not be sure whether he wants a child at all because having a child is the most environmentally damaging thing you can do (or something).
Also, he criticizes the way you live your life because you are not environmentally friendly enough. Do you want to be putting up with this all the time?

[blueleonburger]

Hi everyone,

So I decided to talk with DH and mentioned all the things in this thread and here’s what he said.

He said ideally he’d want one. But if having only one child was a deal breaker for me, he would rather have two children and stay in the marriage than divorce. He says it’s possible he might change his mind and would be 110% for having a second child. He promised he won’t be resentful towards the second child over this and would love them the same as the first.

He apologised for being so dominating about the environmental thing. I don’t think he appreciated how judgemental this came across and he said he would back off on that.

If we had fertility problems, he’d be happy to go for IVF. Especially for child one. With the second, he would want to still try IVF but mostly for me and depending on finances.

Going forward, he says we’ll assume we’re having two biological children. He says that I “have his word”.

So I can only take him at face value at what he says. So for now I’m going to accept this. Tbh still feel a bit unsettled in case he changes his mind again but he’s said what he said now so we’ll see.

I want to thank everyone for hearing me out and letting my feel I have a voice. I think everyone’s opinions here are valid ones and I’ve taken them all into account. I know not everyone will agree with this outcome but this is how we’re going to do it for now.

[EttaKett]

OP, I'm really sorry to read this.

I know there are a million unknowables (is he going to change his mind? What if you can't have children at all, despite trying? What if you leave your husband and don't meet anyone else quickly enough to have children? What if you have one with your husband and he turns out not to want even that one? And so on...)

But leaving all these unknowables aside: you want more than one child (and I did, too, so I know how you feel). Your husband doesn't. This means there is a fundamental incompatability. However you resolve it, one or other of you is going to be hurt, angry and resentful, which is poison to a relationship.

The other thing is: it's so easy for men. They can say they don't want children, or only one child, blah-di-blah. But they can keep changing their minds more or less forever. Women can't.

Children were a deal-breaker for me, and I told XH this when I was about your age. If he wanted to stay married to me, a minimum of two children were part of the deal. I didn't tell him that if I had to choose between him or the possibility of having children, I would choose the possibility of having children - as that felt like a bridge too far. It was true, though.

(The fact that he's an XH isn't related to this, btw!)

[OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer]

@Fifthtimelucky

I have a lot of sympathy with your predicament but it doesn't seem to me that your husband has been stringing you along, as some as suggesting. You were both very young when you first got together. It sounds like your husband has changed more in the last six years than you have and that you have grown to want different things. That's no one's fault.

In the last six years many people have realised the importance of the environment and we all know that having fewer children is the most environmentally-friendly option. I wouldn't be recommending anyone to have four children these days. But personally, like you, I wouldn't want only one child and two seems like a good compromise to me.

There's no easy answer. You have to decide what is more important to you. Whether you stay in your marriage or not, there are no guarantees that you will be able to have two - or indeed any - children of your own. But it does sound to me that you are becoming less compatible in many ways.

Agree with all this. People do change, and it's daft to suggest someone is being controlling, lying etc because they don't stick to the same views they had at 23. It also must all have seemed much more remote back then, compared to how it is now as you approach the average age of first birth. But ultimately, whatever the reasoning, it seems you aren't as compatible as you previously felt you were.

[Annasgirl]

@Aquamarine1029

I think he has masterfully future faked you. He was happy to have 4 children, then nope, just 2, then nope, just one. Him saying no children is not far off. He's just trying to keep you happy, and he's not even doing a good job of that.

Time is ticking. Don't waste your fertile years on a man like this.

Yes this is so true.

[Pringlemonster]

Don’t waste your time on him
Next week he won’t want any children ,he’s messing you around

[AnotherEmma]

I'm sorry but I think you need to end the relationship.

He's changed the goalposts and he's not willing to compromise. If you originally wanted 4 children and you've come to terms with having 2, why can't he compromise at 2 even if his ideal is just 1?

I have always wanted 2 children, no more than that (for environmental reasons) but I've always wanted my children to be siblings. My DH originally said he wanted 2-3 children, but after we had our first child, for a couple of years he said one was enough. It was a difficult time because I felt so strongly about wanting another child, but I didn't want to leave DH over it when we already had DC1. Luckily he did come around and decide that he wanted another after all. If not I would have struggled a lot with it, I think.

DH also has very strong views about certain things (the type of products we buy and use, organic and natural materials/ingredients rather than plastic, etc) and it makes it harder to choose and agree on things, which I often find frustrating when we are busy and tired and struggle to get things done as it is. However, I don't think my DH is quite as strict an environmentalist as yours - he is fine with us having and using a car for example and is not vegetarian or vegan. So if your DH feels very strongly about all that and you don't, you might find it difficult and stressful to co-parent with him.

If you are not ready or willing to give up on the relationship, I suggest that couple's counselling (with a good therapist, choose carefully!) is a must.

[Jay670]

The only positive is that he had told you before you have had any so you don’t have the child to think about when making a decision. It’s enough of a change of plan to be a deal breaker so I would leave if you feel that strongly about it.

[Dery]

I don't think you're too young to be thinking about this - it's precisely the kind of things couples need to get clear on because the decision of whether or not to have children is often a deal-breaker and sometimes even unresolved differences on how many to have can cause a relationship to break down.

Like some PP, I think your H may have had a genuine change of heart rather than having future faked you.

The world is over-populated and the environmental footprint of people living in economically developed countries tends to be a lot greater than people living in emerging economies (e.g. countries in Africa, much of Asia and so on) and the latter are the ones who are already suffering most as a result of climate change.

On the other hand, it's not quite as simple as only replacing yourselves (i.e. having two children), never mind only having one, because some people have no children so you then end up with an ageing population which creates its own problems.

I can also see the merits in adopting and we know a few couples who have adopted very successfully. However, raising adopted children is a more complicated process than raising your own, particularly if they come to you when they are a bit older from a very dysfunctional background in which case they will require additional knowledge and skills to become settled and content. Don't get me wrong: I think it's an absolutely amazing thing to do if you have the skills but your H shouldn't just assume that it would be like raising your own children.

It's a very difficult one because there are arguments on both sides. If things are otherwise very good between you, do you think it might help to talk this out with a counsellor?

[meadowmom]

The things is OP, it shouldn’t be this hard! It should be FUN at your age, snuggling up and planning the future. If you’re not on the same page and it’s so hard you need to post on a forum then it’s just not right is it. Why wouldn’t you meet anyone else? You’re young, healthy, pleasant...why are you fearful of that? You have every chance to meet somebody who wants what you want and you shouldn’t settle out of fear

[Shockingstocking]

I think he's so selfish. It's ok to compromise on his principles if it makes him sad. You on the other hand don't get a voice. Really, this gets worse and worse.

[2020inhindsight]

You are young enough to start again with someone who respects you enough to be honest with you. I know you believe love will be enough to save your marriage/relationship but it only goes so far. You will end up resenting him or "accidentally" getting pregnant again, bringing an innocent child into a scenario where its 50:50 they are not wanted. He needs to be with someone who wants what he wants

[xtinak]

I think people are misreading your husband. I don't think he's been trying to mislead you. From his point of view, it is such a difficult place to be when you want to enjoy a normal life yet have a sense of how bad things might become in the future. For me, I do feel that coronavirus is just a taste of a series of worsening disasters that our future has in store. I am torn every day in what to do and how to behave. To some people I'm crazy. I wonder if I'm crazy. But I don't think I am, I think as a society we are collectively in a bit of a normalcy bias phase. But I also want to be normal and have friends and go out and have a nice time. I don't want to be weird. My DH doesn't have any of my concerns and I'm grateful for the normalcy and optimism he brings! But in turn he was grateful in March when I had started stocking the cupboards for covid in January. I'm actually interested to hear that other people are going through these conflicts as well. More and more people must be.