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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Suggesting I eat food off the floor

61 replies

CelestialMosaics · 02/09/2020 11:54

My partner threw some food during a tantrum a couple of days ago (it's still there as I've had enough of picking up after him). He's just suggested that I should eat it. I'm not sure if it was meant to be a joke. I'm exhausted and feel like giving in and cleaning it up but I don't feel like I should then sometimes I think it's all my fault and I should prevent this stuff from happening. He's off work today and I can't stand him being here, tomorrow can't come soon enough.

OP posts:
workhomesleeprepeat · 02/09/2020 11:56

Why are you questioning if this is your fault?

He is abusive. I think you need to consider leaving this man

growinggreyer · 02/09/2020 11:56

It sounds like the end, to me. What is your situation? You say partner so you are presumably not married. Are you renting? Can you go out today, even to have a walk in the sunshine to clear your head and have a bit of space. Flowers

nicky7654 · 02/09/2020 11:56

Have you anywhere to go?

Shoxfordian · 02/09/2020 11:57

Can you leave him?

KitKatfortwo · 02/09/2020 11:57

What's stopping you leaving him/throwing him out OP? Can we help you work out a plan for how to overcome those obstacles?

AdaColeman · 02/09/2020 11:59

This doesn’t sound like much of a way to be living your life @CelestialMosaics.

Delbelleber · 02/09/2020 11:59

Don't think I would want to live with that man! He will drain you. Get out now if you can is my advice.

cakeandchampagne · 02/09/2020 12:01

His bad behaviour isn’t your fault.

cakeandchampagne · 02/09/2020 12:02

Do you have children?

ForInfoOnly · 02/09/2020 12:02

Tell him to do one

Whenonedoorcloses · 02/09/2020 12:06

Does he suggest his work colleagues eat of the floor? Or does he just treat you this way? What would you say to your best friend if she confided in you with this stuff?

Happygogoat · 02/09/2020 12:12

A tantrum!? Throwing food and not cleaning it up for days? Suggesting you eat it?

OP this isn't normal or acceptable and you don't need to tolerate it. Do you have somewhere to go? X

KatherineJaneway · 02/09/2020 12:25

Is this a one off or is he often like this?

Spritesobright · 02/09/2020 12:28

My ex used to throw tantrums. I had a vivid memory of one the other day when we were in public. Could remember clearly the mortification of walking past a cafe with my screaming toddler on one arm and shouty husband other side.
I felt such relief that I no longer have to put up with his shit.
You will feel this too one day if you can get up the courage to leave.

Throwing food and having tantrums is abusive. It's so difficult to see it at the time because you're in it. But it's not normal behaviour and he already has you doubting and questioning yourself, making you think it's your fault. Don't buy it. Leave.

Alwaysinpain · 02/09/2020 12:37

Anyone else reminded of Geoff on Corrie?

Sad OP please take a step back and look at the bigger picture

username501 · 02/09/2020 12:39

OP you're not expected to take responsibility or manage another adult unless you're a carer. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and he is responsible for managing his temper, not you.

I would wipe up the food and work on my exit strategy.

Your partner is treating you with contempt, he does not love you and he is abusive.

CatSmith · 02/09/2020 12:56

I’d be telling him “whilst I clean the food off the floor, you can go pack a bag. We’re over”
That’s abuse and it may be the thin end of the wedge, don’t let him continue.

justilou1 · 02/09/2020 14:10

Omg.. leave

Bananalanacake · 02/09/2020 14:12

Do you have DC together,
whose house is it?

ravenmum · 02/09/2020 14:17

Pick up the food and place it in one of the socks in his drawer, then plan the rest of your life.

Original poster
CelestialMosaics · 02/09/2020 16:57

Thank you everyone for your comments. We rent a small flat and no children, seems a blessing atm. Everyone who knows him says he wouldn't hurt a fly, so laidback etc etc. He bends over backwards for everyone else.

I worry that I'm just over sensitive and too easily scared. The reason he was angry has nothing to do with me (he's angry at a friend of his) so I don't understand why he wants me to eat it and is acting like it's my fault. I don't know what I was supposed to do as I'm not involved. I know I can't stay here I just don't know how to tell him I'm leaving him and I'm not sure where I would go. He would never leave if I asked so it has to be me.

OP posts:
workhomesleeprepeat · 02/09/2020 17:09

Great that there are no kids involved tbh - and this whole ‘bending over backwards for others’ what does that matter when he is so nasty to you? It’s classic abuser stuff too tbh, wanting to seem like mister nice guy to everyone while being horrible to you at home. You’re not overreacting, he has literally chosen to be angry with you about nothing. Whose name is on the rental contract? I would just leave tbh, if you can. It’s only going to get worse

Original poster
CelestialMosaics · 02/09/2020 17:10

He's punched, kicked and thrown things before. I think I've had enough of walking on eggshells.

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 02/09/2020 17:12

he bends over backwards for everyone else

I just want to point out that this is one of the classic signs of an abuser, especially one who is a narcissist.

They want to be liked by everyone, so will go to any length to help relative strangers, helping with DIY, giving lifts, buying bar rounds, nothing is too much trouble.

When you first meet them, they sweep you off your feet, attentive, charming, caring. But later, once you are caught, that all changes, you are no longer the stranger they need to impress, now you are the victim they need to control.

You will never change them, they will not improve, all you can do is escape.

bathsh3ba · 02/09/2020 17:14

The defining moment of my marriage and the moment I knew I had to leave (though it took me another 6 years) was when my now ex-husband took all our plates out the dishwasher and threw them in the bin before demanding I drive 50 miles to buy new ones because that was the only shop he would accept buying them from. I was days away from giving birth to our first child. This argument sounds like a precursor to that kind of situation. I would leave.