Cheating husband - 10 years of marriage

[Angryconfused]

Help! What’s bothering me is not just that he had an affair but what he did.

So we met this woman at a conference last year Nov. they hit it off and as he was voted onto the conference committee she told him about an upcoming conference March 2020
And I said no problem at the time...kicking myself there.

Then i noticed she started messaging and phoning him constantly!!! I asked him if I should be concerned and he said no. I get upset as it continues.

Fast forward to Feb 2020 I find out that she came to our home town and he didn’t tell me. She posted photos on her FB account and they looked like a frigging couple!!! I confronted him and he of course lied and said he knew how much I didn’t like her that is why he didn’t tell me she was here. Those photos came down very quickly.

March 2020 he goes up to the conference and i couldn’t sleep cause my sixth sense was telling me something was wrong.

April with Covid he is still constantly talking to her...he even messaged her next to me in bed at 1am to ask if she was still up!!!! I blew up and said he had to make a choice between me and her. He said I was being ridiculous and they are just friends and he isn’t doing that. I begged him saying he was hurting me. He says he stopped but then find out he sent her a balloons for her birthday.

Anyways found the evidence to prove I wasn’t craZy like he said I was, that I was seeing smoke where there was no fire

Found out:

1. Feb - he rented her an Airbnb 10mins away from our house!!! He said she stayed with a friend on the other side of town.
2. naked photos of her in his phone
3. photos of them kissing
4. what’s app chats where he said if he leaves his wife he wants a proper relationship with her and that he loves her
5. bought her not only balloons for her birthday and said it was for her son but a cake
6. a Kate spade bag which he told me and the husband was for my birthday (July) which i never got
7. dress and god knows what else
8. emails where he told her he could speak to her and then was emailing her to say he loves her and misses her and wants her to be happy
9. Pinterest/Instagram they are sending photos of engagement rings and wedding dresses!!!
10. I actually thought our relationship was getting stronger than ever
11. we were still intimate while he was having this affair

Call the woman’s husband who had found evidence the day before of lovey dovey messages he sent to her.

Confront him without the evidence he denied and even gets her to write WhatsApp message to me saying she was happily married and not to put my problems on her.

So confronted him with the evidence. He said they only kissed nothing else.....the one day and that the felt guilty for it so messaged me afterwards yet it seems he wasn’t feeling too guilty to fool around with her in the car.

Then I find a long love note from her saying how she remember their first kiss and when they first made love...she confessed to the husband that they had sex constantly which my husband still denies.

She also sent photos of love notes he had written to her the day he left....

I’m angry
I hate him but love him
I look at him and just think of what he did with her
I look at him and want him to hurt as much as I am
And what gets me is his ex wife and his girlfriend before me both cheated on him multiple times!

I don’t know how to move on
I don’t know how to stop thinking of what he did.
I had already accepted that they slept together despite what he says I know they did and the evidence supports.

We both are trying but I can’t keep thinking about it.

Who looks at engagement rings unless it was really serious right?!

Thanks!

Op, do as I said earlier in this thread, do what is best for you. Its all well and good a bunch of strangers on the internet saying LTB but no one other than you and your children will be affected by whatever YOU decide. I'm not saying leave him and I am not saying stay as sometimes affairs are an eye-opener to issues in a marriage whilst other times it is repeated.

I think the best thing you can do is talk to a counsellor and take your time, you don't need to make a decision and he can either stay or leave whilst you work things out. Sometimes a bit of space makes the head clearer.

Good luck OP x

5) I want to try because that is who I am, I want to be able to look back and can say with a clear mind that I have it a try.

My H did this too.
We had almost 1 year worth of relationship counselling (at considerable cost) during which I bared my soul, I recognised my part in having neglected our marriage and after which I had thought things had improved. He sat quiet and stone faced during some of the more emotional bits.

And then he cheated again. And still is with the Other Other Woman IYKWIM.

Like you are expressing, I am very glad that I agreed to investing that time and effort and money, even though it was all for nothing in the end as I can look back and feel that I have tried, really tried. Unfortunately, in a relationship if only one party does all the emotional work, every effort is doomed to fail.
I also hope that as time passes and our children become older, they will understand more about what went on and appreciate the efforts we made. Maybe.

Bottom line is, the man I married was never the man I thought I had married. He is far weaker and needier than I ever understood and quite clearly I cannot meet his needs (as I am rubbish at ego massage and cheer leading and providing sex on demand). So, while I have my failings and many of them, I am actually feeling reasonably unapologetic and have adjusted to the paradigm shift in my life.

You will need time and space to come to whatever conclusion works for you.

Op. You're only delaying the inevitable and setting yourself up for further hurt. Don't waste another year of your life, only to spend another year building yourself back up.

What he's done is unforgivable - can you honestly say you could ever trust him again? Save yourself the heartache and move on

If you're determined to give it another go, get yourself some counselling to help you work through this.

By all means, do relationship counselling alongside, but take care of yourself.

OP I hope he is really truly sorry and not just sorry he was caught. Its a pretty big thing to get over as it wasnt a one night stand. It was a relationship with a perceived future. I’d be really concerned about it restarting given OW is clearly unhappy but staying in her marriage - that could change and then what happens...

You both will need lots of counselling and I am sure you can get over it if he is truly, truly sorry and he knows & understands why it happened in the first place. Only you know what you want to do. Dont think its the easiest route as I think separation is easier!

Wishing you strength for the road ahead.

I understand wanting to try, and I understand the reasons why. But I do think you need to give him a jolt, just so he can appreciate what he could lose. Say you want to separate , you can still go ahead with the counselling if that’s what you want, but he has to feel some consequence for his actions. Don’t fall into forgiveness straight away, Don’t make it to easy for him, remember he didn’t give your feelings any consideration when he was having a great time living his fantasy life with her. Time apart will be good for you, and while you have the space away from him, treat yourself! Go get your hair done, meet friends for drinks and get him to babysit.. live your life, let him see that actually you may be hurt but you’re not down and you are someone of value. You take back control!

God why would you even have him in your home? He was having a fully fledged love affair and has been caught. Dont use your DC as an excuse...raise your standards

Staying with a man who did this to you...not just the cheating...but the gaslighting and denials even when you have proof would be the end.

I think it sends a message that nothing is a dealbreaker of you continue on these circumstances.

If I behaved like he did and my DH stayed with me...I would feel very safe in the knowledge that I could get away with anything.

I honestly wouldn't respect him if he stayed with me after finding the abundance of evidence you have...naked pictures...love letters...declarations of love...engagement and wedding stuff....

That's just a total disregard and lack of respect for you .. which I personally could not live with. I'd feel totally trampled on.

Do what you feel is right for yourself...we're all different.