Cheating husband - 10 years of marriage

[Angryconfused]

Help! What’s bothering me is not just that he had an affair but what he did.

So we met this woman at a conference last year Nov. they hit it off and as he was voted onto the conference committee she told him about an upcoming conference March 2020
And I said no problem at the time...kicking myself there.

Then i noticed she started messaging and phoning him constantly!!! I asked him if I should be concerned and he said no. I get upset as it continues.

Fast forward to Feb 2020 I find out that she came to our home town and he didn’t tell me. She posted photos on her FB account and they looked like a frigging couple!!! I confronted him and he of course lied and said he knew how much I didn’t like her that is why he didn’t tell me she was here. Those photos came down very quickly.

March 2020 he goes up to the conference and i couldn’t sleep cause my sixth sense was telling me something was wrong.

April with Covid he is still constantly talking to her...he even messaged her next to me in bed at 1am to ask if she was still up!!!! I blew up and said he had to make a choice between me and her. He said I was being ridiculous and they are just friends and he isn’t doing that. I begged him saying he was hurting me. He says he stopped but then find out he sent her a balloons for her birthday.

Anyways found the evidence to prove I wasn’t craZy like he said I was, that I was seeing smoke where there was no fire

Found out:

1. Feb - he rented her an Airbnb 10mins away from our house!!! He said she stayed with a friend on the other side of town.
2. naked photos of her in his phone
3. photos of them kissing
4. what’s app chats where he said if he leaves his wife he wants a proper relationship with her and that he loves her
5. bought her not only balloons for her birthday and said it was for her son but a cake
6. a Kate spade bag which he told me and the husband was for my birthday (July) which i never got
7. dress and god knows what else
8. emails where he told her he could speak to her and then was emailing her to say he loves her and misses her and wants her to be happy
9. Pinterest/Instagram they are sending photos of engagement rings and wedding dresses!!!
10. I actually thought our relationship was getting stronger than ever
11. we were still intimate while he was having this affair

Call the woman’s husband who had found evidence the day before of lovey dovey messages he sent to her.

Confront him without the evidence he denied and even gets her to write WhatsApp message to me saying she was happily married and not to put my problems on her.

So confronted him with the evidence. He said they only kissed nothing else.....the one day and that the felt guilty for it so messaged me afterwards yet it seems he wasn’t feeling too guilty to fool around with her in the car.

Then I find a long love note from her saying how she remember their first kiss and when they first made love...she confessed to the husband that they had sex constantly which my husband still denies.

She also sent photos of love notes he had written to her the day he left....

I’m angry
I hate him but love him
I look at him and just think of what he did with her
I look at him and want him to hurt as much as I am
And what gets me is his ex wife and his girlfriend before me both cheated on him multiple times!

I don’t know how to move on
I don’t know how to stop thinking of what he did.
I had already accepted that they slept together despite what he says I know they did and the evidence supports.

We both are trying but I can’t keep thinking about it.

Who looks at engagement rings unless it was really serious right?!

Thanks!

Op it's easy for the MN Borg collective of keyboard warriors to say leave him, kick him out. But this is your life Op. I understand you need an outside perspective, but this forum is not the place for a balanced perspective.
Truth is nobody on here knows why he did it, what he did, or whether it is possible for you both to work through it. On balance you have to decide if you can ever get over his behaviour and on what terms.
The minimum that you need to be able to make up your mind is complete honesty from him. Tell him there is no moving forward until he is completely honest with you. Innately this will not occur to him as he thinks it's not in his best interests.
After he has done this or if you feel he hasn't fully complied, then you can start to make decisions about what to do moving forward.

@Angryconfused

We have 2 young children. Just got a mortgage on a house Finances

None of these are good enough reasons to ruin your life staying married to a cheater.

@Angryconfused I'm really sorry to read your experience. What a horrid thing to do.

Regarding the access, I know someone who went through similar. Married with 2 kids, mortgage etc - to the outside world they seemed happy. She took him back for the sake of the kids and she still doesn't trust him fully, that was 4 years ago. I personally don't think he is doing anything again and she is just burnt from his betrayal from before.

I know the masses on here will say LTB but you do what is right for you. Maybe speak to a counsellor to clear your mind in a setting with no judgement - they can help YOU make the decision that is best for YOU.

RE: your kids, i am a firm believer that they can adapt to situations. If you choose to stay, you need to actively work on your marriage as hard as it is and if you choose to go, don't look back on that choice. But you don't have to make that decision today tomorrow or next month, the your time.

Sometimes there's a level of deceit from which there is no coming back from from, your story is an example.

It hurts to break up. But it's better than staying with a cheating, lying man who doesn't care for your feelings or respect you. If you stay, imagine a scenario where you give him another 10 years of your precious life, and he meets someone else, and this time he leaves... research the sunken costs fallacy

@DrMorbius 100% right.

Value yourself more than this.

He fell in love with someone else. They talked about marriage.

This isn't a drunken shag.

He says they chickened out and decided to stay with their families. Woop de doo.

Why should you settle for this? You are worth more than this.

You can find happiness with someone who loves and values you.

How can you ever look at him again?

Hi Op, I'm sorry you are going through this.

I went through similar a couple of years ago and it's the worst. We also had 2 children together, mortgage and 20 years history (14 married).

If I hadn't discovered the affair I don't know what would have happened - whether he would have left me for her or whether it would have fizzled out but what I don't doubt is that if he'd go away with it, he would have done it again.

I loved that man with everything I had. We had a good marriage, a lovely family, yet he thought it was all worth throwing away for a younger woman at work who flattered his middle aged ego.

However, I knew that I would never be able to look at him without thinking about what he'd done to me and our children and I knew that I deserved more than he thought I was worth so I asked him to leave when he got home from work that day.

It's been really hard and I think I will always love him but I can't spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't love me enough to not cheat and hurt me. We now get on well as co-parents and our children are what matters in this.

You are worth more than he thinks you're worth op. Don't waste more years on a relationship that is dead. He's sorry because he got hurt...he wasn't so sorry when he was doing all those things with/for her.

Op, please have a sti test. I'm really sorry for your predicament.
I know some marriages can get over this but Im not sure many can.

It's the fear of letting go of your husband that make you want to stay but if you could be strong enough to get past it you can see clearly and realise just how awful you've been treated.
Even if not immediately, the resentment will grow until you know you that you are best without him, but this can only happen in your own time, when you do know you've always deserved better.

It's very easy to say leave but its bloody hard to do.

I think you need to have a chat with your future self. If you stay would your future self say you were 100% happy and able to completely trust him or would she say that she's had 10 years of misery always wondering who he was texting in at a conference with. That she is constantly on edge and feel like it's all a lie. If you leave, would your future self say it was bloody hard and painful but you came through it and now feel a lot more happy and stable. That you now have control over your life and are not living on your nerves all the time.

*when he got caught

I'm sorry you're in turmoil, OP.

He betrayed you for months and talked about leaving you. How many happy ever afters do you think there are after something like this? Miserably together? Plenty. Inevitable breakdowns? Even more. The chances are high that he will leave you at some point. Why does he get to decide when?

You will probably never forgive him because he has gone too far. He can't really expect you to stay with him after all that, and I bet he won't respect you for it if you do.
I know it's very hard.

I have NC for this as I will get flammed and rightly so.
Over 10 years ago I got involved with a man with young children (initially they had seperated FYI) but very young and naive continued when they 'got back together for the sake of the kids / finances' - lots of elements are the same. I met with her was 100% honest. (She was lovely not the picture he painted) unfortunately she decided to stay due to the same reasons. It has been over 10 years and to this day he will find me or a friend on social media, try and make contact. They went on to have another child. Unbeknown to me that she was even pregnant (2 days before he messaged to tell me he hated his life and wanted to be together - this was a good 3 years after it ended) did I tell her? No because how awful to burst her baby bubble. I dont know if she thinks life is happy and what lies hes spouted to her over the years but I am the otherside of the story and over 10 years I still get...
Hey how are you I miss you can we meet messages......

Not what you wanted to hear but a reality check if nothing else.

Would he stay of you had done this to him?

Have a look at the chump lady website.

Get him out of your life.

OP, it sounds like you have made your mind about staying, so LTB posts aren't helping even though i agree with them . I searched high and low for this list i came across on MN a few years ago, so i hope you are still reading replies!

www.survivinginfidelity.com/

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries

I would also advice you have a google to find past MN threads about surviving affairs or even starting a new thread just asking that without details.

Good luck.

You sound like you want to stay with him. Unfortunately I have had a friend that went through a similar ordeal. Partner had an affair, was begging to be taken back and women still sending naked pics to him which she found. Guess what she stayed and had a baby with him last March. Words fail me! Remember leopards never change their spots.

Could you honestly live with someone who stood in front of you and lied, and lied and lied?

Would you ever trust anything they said again?

Would you really feel the same about a man who declared love for another woman and who clearly didn't love you enough to be honest with you?

If you decide to try again, please do not have another child with this man because I would bet on the marriage crumbling after a couple of years.

What killed me and ended the marriage was the knowledge that however much I loved him, he did not love me to do what he did. That ate away at my love for him.

Stay if you want but you only get one life. He has treated you contemptibly and is in love with someone else.

I would probably attempt to forgive this (although I'd hate myself for it but you know) had he not STILL been lying. If he had just said 'look here it is' then I'd be able to accept he's remorseful. He shows no remorse, you're just going to get hurt again. Start again with someone better, kick him out.

I stayed with DP after finding out he cheated. That was 2 years ago. It has worked so far, we worked together to rebuild trust. He made the effort every step of the way and most important listened and engaged every time I felt I needed to talk about it or ask questions as they came to me.
It is incredibly hard, especially in the beginning when it's all very raw. We talk now whenever issues arise instead of letting them create space between us and make time for us as a couple.
I dont know your DH, no one here does. Only you know if his sincerity is real or worth at least trying to see where it takes you. You could stay for a while and it might work out, or you could stay and some months, even years down the line you just dont feel the same but feel stronger in yourself to leave

I stayed after DP cheated, that was five years ago, he cheated again with the same woman, I had years of heartache and my mental health was in bits. Honestly I will never be the same person again, I have been diagnosed with PTSD after all he had done (It is too complex to get into over a forum).

My advice OP if you stay is to start getting yourself financially independent, retrain or whatever you have to do to get ahead in work, have a rainy day fund built up, keep emotional distance in the marriage, you need to essentially grey rock your husband. Seek legal and financial advice and do not get caught by surprise by his cheating again, he will likely do it again. You know now what he is capable of so remember that. Also get a sti test today, and use condoms every time with him. He cannot be trusted to act in the best interests of your physical, mental or emotional health.