Cheating husband - 10 years of marriage

[Angryconfused]

Help! What’s bothering me is not just that he had an affair but what he did.

So we met this woman at a conference last year Nov. they hit it off and as he was voted onto the conference committee she told him about an upcoming conference March 2020
And I said no problem at the time...kicking myself there.

Then i noticed she started messaging and phoning him constantly!!! I asked him if I should be concerned and he said no. I get upset as it continues.

Fast forward to Feb 2020 I find out that she came to our home town and he didn’t tell me. She posted photos on her FB account and they looked like a frigging couple!!! I confronted him and he of course lied and said he knew how much I didn’t like her that is why he didn’t tell me she was here. Those photos came down very quickly.

March 2020 he goes up to the conference and i couldn’t sleep cause my sixth sense was telling me something was wrong.

April with Covid he is still constantly talking to her...he even messaged her next to me in bed at 1am to ask if she was still up!!!! I blew up and said he had to make a choice between me and her. He said I was being ridiculous and they are just friends and he isn’t doing that. I begged him saying he was hurting me. He says he stopped but then find out he sent her a balloons for her birthday.

Anyways found the evidence to prove I wasn’t craZy like he said I was, that I was seeing smoke where there was no fire

Found out:

1. Feb - he rented her an Airbnb 10mins away from our house!!! He said she stayed with a friend on the other side of town.
2. naked photos of her in his phone
3. photos of them kissing
4. what’s app chats where he said if he leaves his wife he wants a proper relationship with her and that he loves her
5. bought her not only balloons for her birthday and said it was for her son but a cake
6. a Kate spade bag which he told me and the husband was for my birthday (July) which i never got
7. dress and god knows what else
8. emails where he told her he could speak to her and then was emailing her to say he loves her and misses her and wants her to be happy
9. Pinterest/Instagram they are sending photos of engagement rings and wedding dresses!!!
10. I actually thought our relationship was getting stronger than ever
11. we were still intimate while he was having this affair

Call the woman’s husband who had found evidence the day before of lovey dovey messages he sent to her.

Confront him without the evidence he denied and even gets her to write WhatsApp message to me saying she was happily married and not to put my problems on her.

So confronted him with the evidence. He said they only kissed nothing else.....the one day and that the felt guilty for it so messaged me afterwards yet it seems he wasn’t feeling too guilty to fool around with her in the car.

Then I find a long love note from her saying how she remember their first kiss and when they first made love...she confessed to the husband that they had sex constantly which my husband still denies.

She also sent photos of love notes he had written to her the day he left....

I’m angry
I hate him but love him
I look at him and just think of what he did with her
I look at him and want him to hurt as much as I am
And what gets me is his ex wife and his girlfriend before me both cheated on him multiple times!

I don’t know how to move on
I don’t know how to stop thinking of what he did.
I had already accepted that they slept together despite what he says I know they did and the evidence supports.

We both are trying but I can’t keep thinking about it.

Who looks at engagement rings unless it was really serious right?!

Thanks!

I agree that maybe it was salvageable if he hadn't lied when you first confronted him. But lying and letting it come out bit by bit is so degrading. Chuck him out. Tell everyone what he did.

Wow couldn't read and run this must be so awful for you. We just had our 10 Yr wedding anniversary and we have had major ups and downs but if he did this I don't know what i would do either tbh. Have u got close family u can talk to about this so u have support with whatever decision u make? For me personally it will be a horrible rship as I would always question him even if he goes to the toilet with his phone! Without trust there is no decent loving rship. I really feel for you OP. Best of luck x

Got 3 great girlfriends who said they will support what ever decision I make.

Told me I’m not crazy and I have every right to feel what I am feeling.

That most people would leave and don’t think it makes me less of a person to stay.

Is he remorseful? Begging you to take him back? Some counselling is needed for you both to help you both work it out. It will tear you up otherwise.

You are definitely not crazy at all! You will be doing the right thing whatever decision you make. And yes most would just leave especially as he's lied to you about it!!! He hasn't even got the balls to be honest he doesn't deserve you xx

Nah I wouldn't be forgiving this.

It will be hard to leave of course but you may aswell do it now because you will eventually anyway.

All your posts sound like you are hoping that people will reassure you that it will be ok and you seem to be sticking up for him in each of your posts. No-one can tell you that it will be ok. This is the worst kind of deception,and seems to have gone way beyond a quick fling.

If you stay with him be prepared for this affair to be the first thing you think of when you wake up each morning and the thing that will prevent you sleeping at night for a very long time. It will eat away at you and the trust will not return for years, if ever.

Oh op. This is horrid to read - are you really so desperate to stay with this man??

What is keeping you there apart from the children? What finances mean you can’t leave?

Am I reading this right that he still hasn't admitted to having slept with this woman even though you know that he did? This really is so blatant, if you stay you're signing yourself up to a lifetime of these incidents, each more overt than the last. I've seen it time and time again.

The very least you deserve is a man who is honest when he makes a mistake (whatever the nature of that mistake) and puts all of his efforts into fixing himself and repairing the relationship. You clearly don't even have that.

Unless you want to end up in an open marriage where you know that he's screwing around but have to look the other way because you tolerated all the previous incidents so what's the point of taking a stand now, leave. Unless you want any daughters you have to think of this dynamic as normal for their relationships and for any sons to think that women are objects who can be used and put down at will, leave.

It won't be easy, but you know that the right path and the easy path here are in completely opposite directions.

You can smash a plate in two and glue it back together but it will never be the same and you will always see the crack. Don't waste the next five years trying to save something you never destroyed in the first place. Know your worth. I'm sorry OP x

What real life consequences has he experienced Op? Have you chucked him out, have you told all your family and friends, have you instigated the 180?

I ask this not to be mean but if he thinks he can get away with it the once (and while he is still lying and minimising to you) he will do it again. He's got away with being a cheating arsehole.

Have a look at the forums on the surviving infidelity. There are lots people there in the same boat. It would also be worth getting an STD check.

I'm sorry you are going through this

Posted this to get opinions other than my close friends. People who don’t know us.

He has been remorseful I’m just unsure whether it’s because he got caught or because he really means it

He asked to go to counselling

He is remorseful because he got caught. He is still lying and gaslighting you. He WILL behave like this again. Please don’t hang on to this already irrevocably damaged relationship that will just eat away your self esteem. You are worth so much more than this op. I am sorry you are going through this - I have been there and I understand

OP - I wouldn’t go to counselling with him. Go by yourself, for yourself.
Make yourself utterly unavailable to him - do things for you, just you.
Obviously the children need to be cared for - get him to do more.
Spend time with those wonderful friends.
And see how you feel then.
He has ground you down.
He doesn’t deserve you.
He is a shitty, nasty cunt (I’ll say it happily!)

Hello, I was in a similar position to you 5 years ago. In the last 5 years my husband has done nothing but show his remorse and strive to make things better. However our marriage is not the same, I don't love him the way I once did and I certainly will never fully trust him again. I am constantly hyper vigilant and waiting for the next time. Do not underestimate the long-term impact on your mental and physical health of staying. I function but am not the person I was. Take care of yourself and take time to think what you really want.

He hasn't been honest or forthcoming at all through this. Get rid of him.

I would be booting him out and filing for divorce.

He lied to you at the time.
He lied to you when you found out.
Even when confronted with the evidence, he lied and minimised things.
He's still lying now, despite the OW confirming that they were shagging.
Counselling doesn't work with a liar. And handing over his phone and SM access puts it all on you - do you want a relationship where you feel you have to police him because the trust has gone?

He panicked because shit got real, she backtracked, and it dawned on him that if he didn't try and convince you it was a mistake then he'd lose his kids and have to go through an expensive divorce and end up alone.

My guess is that if she'd been up for leaving her husband then he would have moved out and left you. I'm sorry that's so blunt, but please don't waste any more time with this piece of shit.

He got caught, she got caught. Depends if he’s remorseful? Are you sure he wasn’t the one cheating on his gf and exw?
He’s continued to lie to you and make you out as stupid. I think that’s unforgivable.
Good luck with whatever you decide

Think carefully, they were talking weddings. A PP said it, if she hadn't decided to return to her husband he likely would have taken off with her.

So what happens when he meets the next one? Having strayed once he is likely to do it again. He is likely to be even smarter about covering it up next time. And in between then and now can you trust him or will you be forever looking over his shoulder at who he is texting and wondering if he is telling you the truth?

His remorse only surfaced when he was caught red handed. He didn't just cheat on you, he really went out of his way to lie to you, bet you thought you were paranoid and crazy at times.

Is he still denying they had sex?!

You can't save your marriage on your own, OP. He's still lying to you. He thinks he's got away with it.

Please read about the 180.

This isn't just a physical betrayal it's an emotional one too. He checked out of your relationship and committed to her. You can't just bounce back feelings. From your posts I see very little effort on his side to move forward. He hasn't taken the first step in admitting his wrong doings or even spoken about them. Down playing the events you do know about like kissing as if it was nothing. This relationship is doomed to fail. You stuck together and you will never trust him as he has done little to rebuild it. You will grow resentful and he will do it again because more than the physical if your chest emotionally it's so hard to go back to the feelings he once had for you.

The reasons you mentioned to stick together are material. Don't fear splitting because of these things, they really aren't worth your mental health.

If he's still not telling the truth, you've got nothing to work with. Nothing. You can't rebuild a relationship when you know perfectly well he's still lying to you.

He's not a trustworthy man . He has betrayed you and he was either leading this woman on with talk of engagement rings or he meant it . He only thinks of what he wants . You deserve better than this .

It's one thing to have a drunken one night stand or an emotional affair (I still wouldn't tolerate either) but how on earth can you begin to forgive all that he has done??? Why would you want to?!!!!
The fact that he wasn't even honest with you when you confronted him speaks volumes to me.
If you want to put up with this lieing, cheating bastard then go for it. I'd have kicked his sorry arse out of the door by now.