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Original poster

DP called me petty

57 replies

Flamingosarentreal · 01/09/2020 23:03

because I "hadn't" cooked his dinner as he hadn't loaded the dishwasher from last night's dinner.
For context his household jobs are- emptying and putting the bins out, recycling collections, mowing the lawn, his own washing and ironing and loading the dishwasher after I have cooked dinner.

He will sometimes sweep the kitchen floor and wipe clean the sink. If asked he will do other jobs such as changing the bed etc but only if asked (he calls it nagging).

He does no other gardening and rarely any DIY- I do that.

Three weeks ago he had left the loading of the dishwasher for three days - no real reason other than he was busy with work (he works 30 hours per week as i do i) and then his hobby and this wasn't the first time. I told him then i wouldn't cook for him if he left the dishwasher unloaded. He left two days worth on Saturday and Sunday , went out for the afternoon to see his dad and came home to no dinner.
Today he called me petty for again not cooking his dinner- although I actually had , just not plated it up but he didn't let me tell him that before he shouted i was petty and stormed off .
So was I?

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 01/09/2020 23:07

Yes. But he deserved it.

Original poster
Flamingosarentreal · 01/09/2020 23:14

yes I do feel a little guilty and petty but just don't see why I should do my half of the job if he doesn't do his half.

And leaving the dirty crocks make cooking dinner that much more inconvenient as I dont always have the equipment clean and then have to wash it plus there's a lack of space.

OP posts:
Itsjustabitofbanter · 01/09/2020 23:16

Yanbu. Unloading the dishwashers a 3 minute job. He’s being lazy. I’d tell him you couldn’t cook dinner as the plates were still in the washer

Original poster
Flamingosarentreal · 01/09/2020 23:16

And it's not like he wasn't warned Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamingosarentreal · 01/09/2020 23:18

@Itsjustabitofbanter We've eaten off paper plates before as there were no clean ones because he hadnt loaded the d/w and i guess i was a bit petty then for not just washing them.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2020 23:18

Oh dear god. Just talk about things instead of playing games. Shouting? Storming off? Point scoring?

You’re not in a good place and yes you warned him but is this how you want to live?

Original poster
Flamingosarentreal · 01/09/2020 23:21

@AnneLovesGilbert
Done the talking , nothing changes on his behalf and I am left with more work but you're right i dont want to live like this but wha#s the answer other than LTB?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/09/2020 23:23

He does 30 hours per and doesn't have time to empty the dishwasher???

Tbh though I couldn't eat off a paper plate with a pile of dishes next to me.

Do you have kids?

HollowTalk · 01/09/2020 23:24

Per week, that should say.

tenlittlecygnets · 01/09/2020 23:24

You both only work 30 hours a week?? He's lazy.

But why don't you both just talk to each other? If that doesn't work, ltb.

ferntwist · 01/09/2020 23:25

YANBU. He’s a piggy

LouiseTrees · 01/09/2020 23:25

[quote Flamingosarentreal]@AnneLovesGilbert
Done the talking , nothing changes on his behalf and I am left with more work but you're right i dont want to live like this but wha#s the answer other than LTB?[/quote]
Swap jobs. He’s now in charge of the cooking.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 01/09/2020 23:25

Have you offered to swap jobs? Tbh I'm struggling to think how to make a grown man do his chores without treating him like a child Confused A sticker chart probably wouldn't help matters...

DimidDavilby · 01/09/2020 23:26

I'd rather be petty than the live in maid for some lazy sod. You warned him. Next time actually don't cook him any dinner.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2020 23:29

It shouldn’t be this hard. Being in a relationship is supposed to make life easier. You halve the shit work and double the joy.

I’m not saying LTB if that’s not what you want but I couldn’t love, respect or shag someone who shouted and refused to pull his weight. I divorced a shouter and he was pretty equal when it came to housework.

It. Shouldn’t. Be. This. Hard.

If talking doesn’t help then you’re running out of options. He thinks he’s worth more than stacking the dishwasher and thinks you deserve to clean up his mess and make his meals. He doesn’t think you’re his equal and doesn’t care that you’re unhappy. You deserve much more from life than this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2020 23:31

I LOVE the idea of swapping jobs. But everything. DIY gardening, cooking, everything. I'd sell it as 'well it gets a bit tedious so let's do each other's for a while'.

Failing that, as a grown up, I'd be having the conversation again but with feeling. 'DP, when you leave the dishwasher, it makes it harder for me and I feel really sad and angry. Could you please do it the same day? Or what do you think is reasonable?' Because he knows it's unreasonable, he knows leaving it is disgusting and that he's hoping you do it. He just won't say that because it's admitting he's a dick. So he lets you get angry, then calls you petty.

Another great phrase that helped DH and I, "the story I'm telling myself..." this takes practice. "The story I'm telling myself is that you leave the dishwasher because you see housework as my job and you e about my feelings. What's your story?" It works because it takes some of the heat out of it.

Anordinarymum · 01/09/2020 23:33

OP I don't think you are being petty. It's just a word he is using to bash you into feeling you are because you treat him. (Treat as in 'tret' meaning you dealt with him) It's a Leeds euphimism.

Original poster
Flamingosarentreal · 01/09/2020 23:34

Tried swapping jobs when we talked about it last time I wasn't happy with it being left .

He bought expensive ready meals which we couldn't afford , once spent 5 hours cooking a lasagne, decided macaroni cheese wasn't pasta so we ate pasta three days out of four one week and dinner was usually served around 8pm (admittedly all on clean platesGrin .
I generally do the food shopping and meal plans (with his input) but he then ignored that and asked me to tell him how to cook the things he had decided to cook.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2020 23:39

He's a bit shit. Do you have children?

Aerial2020 · 01/09/2020 23:41

Bloody hell that sounds exhausting.

Original poster
Flamingosarentreal · 01/09/2020 23:41

If I tried swapping everything I do for what he does , very little would get done. He thinks I do nothing and he does everything but he doesn't see the things that I do which he doesn't - he once said how well our leather sofa looked considering its age (about 12 years old) I pointed out that was because i clean it and polish it with leather balm every fortnight. it never occurred to him that a) it needed doing or b) that i was actually doing it.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2020 23:41

And by the way 'nagging' isn't a word that's used in my house. It's a misogynist word to stop women asking for what they need. And it's a dumping offence here.

Aerial2020 · 01/09/2020 23:44

Can you really bothered with this shit?
Let him cook his own damn dinner.
Treat yourself to a takeaway Smile

Seriously though, all these men children around. I don't have answer on afraid Op but I do feel your tiredness with it all.

Original poster
Flamingosarentreal · 02/09/2020 00:05

@MrsTerryPratchett yes two teenagers .

@Aerial2020 Yes I am tired of the battle of the housework.
Just come to the end of my tether i guess Sad

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2020 00:09

Do the teenagers help out?