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Original poster

DP called me petty

57 replies

Flamingosarentreal · 01/09/2020 23:03

because I "hadn't" cooked his dinner as he hadn't loaded the dishwasher from last night's dinner.
For context his household jobs are- emptying and putting the bins out, recycling collections, mowing the lawn, his own washing and ironing and loading the dishwasher after I have cooked dinner.

He will sometimes sweep the kitchen floor and wipe clean the sink. If asked he will do other jobs such as changing the bed etc but only if asked (he calls it nagging).

He does no other gardening and rarely any DIY- I do that.

Three weeks ago he had left the loading of the dishwasher for three days - no real reason other than he was busy with work (he works 30 hours per week as i do i) and then his hobby and this wasn't the first time. I told him then i wouldn't cook for him if he left the dishwasher unloaded. He left two days worth on Saturday and Sunday , went out for the afternoon to see his dad and came home to no dinner.
Today he called me petty for again not cooking his dinner- although I actually had , just not plated it up but he didn't let me tell him that before he shouted i was petty and stormed off .
So was I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamingosarentreal · 02/09/2020 00:15

yes, they have set jobs -laying the table, feeding the cat , they change their own bedding, that sort of thing.
i could ask them to load the dishwasher I guess but DP wouldn't then replace that job with something else unless i asked/told him .

Also dd will bake, hoover and iron. Ds helps in the garden and when i need things reached down from tall cupboards Grin
I don't understand why they get on with it but DP doesn't .

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2020 00:19

Thank goodness they do! They haven't copied him.

Alright, back to proper communication. You say what you see (dishwasher), you say how you feel (sad/upset), you say why (because we both live here, or because you don't think it's women's work) and you ask for what you want (dishwasher same day). The sad truth is that if he still doesn't do it, he either doesn't care about your feeling or he doesn't agree with your values. Both of which are LTB territory.

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2020 00:26

Is he their father?

He's a waste of space who isn't going to change.

MerchantOfVenom · 02/09/2020 00:28

Just own it. Yes, you’re ‘petty’.

Very petty.

Quite happy to be petty, thanks very much.

It’s the only thing that gets results - tell him that. You need to be petty to get him to help out.

He doesn’t want you to be petty? Then fucking help out. Pull his weight. It’s not hard.

He sounds awful. Like others, I couldn’t live like that. And if you have teenagers, he’s clearly been at this game a long time.

Crylittlesister · 02/09/2020 00:41

I LTB. And after a couple of weeks realised I was not exhausted because I had taken on "all" the jobs - I hadn't, I did them all before. I was actually less exhausted because while I did them, there was no resentment, no stress and no tension. A home with an underlying issue is no place to rest. The minute I got rid of the lazy twat, I lost 13 stone of heavy load and FML it was easier to move.

FrenchBoule · 02/09/2020 02:12

I think it’s called “strategic incompetence” so either he

avoids doing chores because somebody else will do it

Will claim “he was just about to do it“ so what’s your problem

do the task but fuck it up so somebody else will do it next time.

Maybe you’re petty OP but if talking doesn’t work and he can’t/won’t understand how his laziness affects the family then it’s the way to show him- make his home life really uncomfortable by withdrawing any services he’s benefitting from and are provided by the rest of family members.

timeisnotaline · 02/09/2020 02:19

It doesn’t sound petty to me!!! He can’t be arsed doing his bit, why is it then petty if you don’t do yours? I’d start disconnecting from him to be honest.

NearlyGranny · 02/09/2020 06:48

Tell him this story: Every time he wanders off without loading/unloading the dishwasher, you read it as him saying, "Fuck you, Flamingo. You cooked a lovely meal and I ate it and I know dealing with the dishes is my job but I don't care. I value my time and leisure over yours and if I can get you to do my chores as well as your own, I feel pretty smug. You're an idiot to think I care how you feel or how much work you've done."

Invite him to say that aloud every time he walks off and leaves all the work to you. It would be the honest thing to do. If you're 'petty' he's a lazy user.

If he's ashamed, good - he can cheer up, pull his weight and be a full family member. If not, it's time for a rethink of what he's actually bringing to the relationship, isn't it?

SpaceOP · 02/09/2020 12:46

You: DH, you haven't loaded/unloaded the dishwasher today and we won't have clean dishes/pots etc for tomorrow.

Him: I'll do it later.

Later...

You: "Please can you unload the dishwasher so that we have clean stuff for tomorrow"

Him: You're such a nag.

You: No, I'm simply asking you to do the chores that actually need doing so that we can function as a family. Please don't try to palm me off by using such an unpleasant word.

Ad infinitum.

Having said that. You shouldn't have to bloody ask. It's infuriating and I honestly don't know the answer. You could try sending him that viral blogpost about a man whose wife left him because he left dishes in the sink!?

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2020 12:48

Yes of course it’s petty, as is his behaviour. It’s all a bit shit when you’re squabbling like kids over minor shit.

Sakurami · 02/09/2020 12:52

Not petty. He continually doesn't do what he's supposed to, making your part of the chores harder. What's he going to do now though? Buy more expensive ready meals?

LovingLola · 02/09/2020 13:03

Are the teenagers watching this behaviour?

Mittens030869 · 02/09/2020 13:22

Not petty at all. It's not possible to be too busy to load or unload a dishwasher for goodness sake. And I also hate the term 'nagging', totally misogynistic. Hmm

goingtosleep · 02/09/2020 13:24

Is sounds exhausting!
But sadly I'm not even at a place where we would have set chores. I cook, clean, do laundry, take bins out, get kids to where they need to be etc ALWAYS and I'm not a single mum, admittedly i am a SAHM but currently DH at home as well, still i do all of it, and the worst part is he doesn't notice, or recognise, instead diminishes it if I ever dare to not be happy with something.
If I sometimes feel tired or need to get the kids to bed and ask if he wouldn't mind to clean up after dinner, he will pile everything up in the sink and think he's done! I suppose the 'maid' will come late and load it innthe dishwasher

mbosnz · 02/09/2020 13:49

I don't know if it's an urban myth, but do you have a spare bed?

I have heard tell of a Mum who was brassed off at her teenagers not doing the dishes, whacking them on their bed. (Or if he's a gamer with a favourite gaming chair, in that. . .)

And you sleep in t'other.

I mean, you're not nagging. . .

NearlyGranny · 02/09/2020 14:03

If he reduces you to not being able even to prepare a meal for yourself and your DC because there are no clean plates or pots, don't say a another word but fill a laundry basket with all the dirties, put it where he can't avoid it (against the fridge door? In front of the TV? On his side of the bed?) and take the kids out for a meal.

NearlyGranny · 02/09/2020 14:04

Oh, and get the kids to nag at him! "Dad, everyone else is pulling their weight - you need to do your share to make this family function!"

emmylousings · 02/09/2020 14:18

Yes the term nagging is totally misogynistic term, always deployed by men, against women, who are challenging them about not doing their fair share. Not allowed in my house either. Hated how often I heard my dad and brother use it against my mum (who did far more than the two of them put together).

LannieDuck · 02/09/2020 14:26

I think it's fair enough.

Has he run the dishwasher yet?

ThePhoenixAndTheAshes · 02/09/2020 17:18

He sounds very much like my DH. Who's response to the above article was to get angry at me and accuse me of stressing him out with petty problems while he was stressed and busy at work. We have the same circular arguments and they get no where because he's not willing to acknowledge any of it and any issues I have will always be petty to him.

mbosnz · 02/09/2020 17:22

He sounds very much like my DH. Who's response to the above article was to get angry at me and accuse me of stressing him out with petty problems while he was stressed and busy at work. We have the same circular arguments and they get no where because he's not willing to acknowledge any of it and any issues I have will always be petty to him.

I'd get very petty at that point. Red sock in with his whiteys (only time I'd do any washing for him) scorch mark in his favourite shirt (ditto the ironing), making his favourite meal, but utterly inedible, and putting his absolute hates on tight rotation on the meal plan. Wrong fuel in his car. Change his ring tone to his worst nightmare, and ring him during an important meeting.

Having got my ducks in a row to leave the misogynistic arrogant twunt of a very small gonad.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2020 17:25

Basically, you have 3 children.

LST · 02/09/2020 17:35

I couldn't live like this. And I certainly couldn't live with dirty dishes in the kitchen for days!

MrsR87 · 02/09/2020 17:42

Wow! He sounds like a teenager! 30 hours a week for a job and no time to load the dishwasher!

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