I think my boyfriend sexually assaulted / raped me

[Anon4010]

Hi ladies.

Warning, the following contains sexual and graphic description which may be triggering.

So in 2019, me and my partner had been out drinking, we got in at around 4am. He'd been in an aggressive mood all night because he cannot tolerate alcohol.. not even a bit. He's not an alcoholic or anything just whenever he has a drink which is not often, he gets very aggressive and standoffish. He ended up assaulting this bloke in the middle of the nightclub so I took him out. Anyway.. we get home and have sex, I consented..if anything I instigated it but I fell asleep after he cummed. I woke up in a bit of a daze and all hazey because I was still drunk and I remember feeling baby oil being poured all over me and he had his phone light on and was watching his penis going in and out and watching his fingers go in me etc. I kept stirring and I asked him what are you doing and he said "you asked me to do it" -I didn't I know and I know I didn't. He's never done anything like it before and we both was realllllly horny when we come home. We have been together for 4 years at this point and have a child together but I couldn't help but find it a bit weird that he deliberately had his flashlight on so he could see him doing it whilst I was sleeping.

Fast forward to Friday night (28/08/2020) again he’d been out drinking, not me this time I was sober. We had sex, very horny sex and it went on for a while and I was getting sore and tired and a bit bored so I asked him to stop. He did, then I started to fall asleep, he then went back inside and almost got off on the idea I was half asleep and cummed inside me. He then let the dog out for a wee, and that was the last thing I could remember because I fell asleep. I woke up to him again with his flashlight on his phone fingering me, licking me and also fingering me anally. I went into shock and I froze, my body started violently shaking but I thought I was cold.. I woke up and asked him what the time was because he quickly moved aswell he didn’t think I knew what he had done, and he said it was 4am , I said wow that’s late , what time did I fall asleep? He said I have been asleep for an hour, I asked what he’d been doing and he lied and said he was watching tv... the TV was off.

I have been with this man 5 years and his behaviour has really spooked me out, I’m scared to even think about it being the R word. What do you I think? Please help me

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

Yes it's rape. Can you contact rape crisis first? Don't confront him. He will talk you round like he did before.

[thelikelylass]

This happened to me and I never felt the same afterwards, it absolutely turned me off him. To this day I will never know if there are images of me somewhere. You need to leave this relationship as you will NEVER trust him again.

[category12]

I'm sorry . Rape Crisis are there for you. They won't try to make you report or anything, just support you.

It's not your shame, it's his.

[allfalldown47]

If you really feel you can't talk to anyone then please keep talking on here. There are many people who can talk you through the practicalities of leaving.

You deserve so much better, as does your dc. You have recognised that you need to leave and that is the first step.

You say you can't tell anyone in real life but can you imagine your reaction if your child or friend came to you and told you they had been raped? However much you may like the perpetrator, wouldn't your instinct be to just help and support the victim?

[differentnameforthis]

OK, firstly... your boyfriend is NOT abusive because he drinks. He is abusive full stop. The alcohol lowers his inhibitions and makes his violent side harder to hide.'

He is also a rapist. And are you sure he is just using his phone to "watch" himself, and not using it to record it? I see you say you have checked his phone, but there are live sites, and also clouds that things could be saved to.

Probably not what you want to hear, but you need to leave. Violent rapists never change.

And no, I wouldn't suggest confronting him.

[differentnameforthis]

@Anon4010

I don’t think I can face telling anybody I know right now I feel too embarrassed , our relationship is perfect apart from this, we are only aged 21 and 23 and we’ve done so well for ourselves, I don’t know if anyone would believe me

I am so sorry op... your relationship is FAR from perfect.

That is a saying reserved for when he doesn't do the dishes, or forgets to pick his dirty laundry up! Not for when he is a rapist.

[Anon4010]

I’m so sorry this is all a bit overwhelming, the comment about his drinking isn’t what makes him abusive - just makes his violent side harder to hide has hit me in the stomach. You’re so right, I don’t know how I’m feeling , it’s a horrible situation when you love someone so much, he is my first and only boyfriend - I’m not some stupid young girl either I know how the world works, I am training to be a social worker but to call the man I love a rapist is just harder than I ever thought it would be if I was in this situation, it’s hard to be strong

[IndiaMay]

Just for some info, not sure if it will make you more nervous but I should say. I have what looks like a calculator app on my phone. Literally just looks like a calculator and you put in a certain sum and it opens up to a hidden gallery that you can add pictures and videos to and hide them on your phone. My and my fiance have some personal pics we hide on there, nothing untoward. But you would never know it wasnt a calculator, it even works as one unless you put in the passcode of numbers

[Bunnymumy]

You'll probably look back when you leave /are older and realise there was a lot of behaviour that actually was not ok. That you just didn't see it/minimised it at the time.

Alcohol doesnt make a person a rapist, let alone one with the presence of mind yo use tools such as baby oil and a phone! (That shows conscious choice and arguably, planning). More likely he suffers from a distinct lack of empathy.

He is most definately a danger to you. I think the smartest thing for now is to concentrate on getting out asap. The rest you can figure out later. It may be that you just want to put it all behind you and that's ok. But do so, faaaar away from him.

It might also be wise to read up on narcissists. And their hoovering tactics (what they use when you leave to try and convince you to come back).

[category12]

You're in shock. Could you and your little one go to stay with a family member or friend tonight? You don't need to tell them what's happened, just you need a night away.

[differentnameforthis]

@Anon4010

I’m so sorry this is all a bit overwhelming, the comment about his drinking isn’t what makes him abusive - just makes his violent side harder to hide has hit me in the stomach. You’re so right, I don’t know how I’m feeling , it’s a horrible situation when you love someone so much, he is my first and only boyfriend - I’m not some stupid young girl either I know how the world works, I am training to be a social worker but to call the man I love a rapist is just harder than I ever thought it would be if I was in this situation, it’s hard to be strong

hey... don't be so hard on yourself. It's not your fault.

They suck you in, they don't tell you they are abusive, or a rapist. And like you say, we fall in love with them. It makes it hard to see the wood for the trees.

No one blames you. if they do, ignore them.

I believe you!

[blissfulllife]

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Many years ago my exh did this to me. It wasn't a one off. I confronted him and he lied and said I'd come on to him in my sleep. I knew I hadn't. It kept happening and I once even pretended to be asleep to be sure of what he was doing. Every time I moved he stopped. I told him I couldn't do this anymore...he knew full well how this was effecting me. So it stopped for a good few years but it destroyed my feelings for him and I couldn't bare to let him even touch me. At the time I never even thought of it as tape (25 years ago).

I woke up one morning after a family party where I'd had a few drinks to find it had happened again. Sorry if tmi but I was sore down there. I just knew but he denied it. We hadn't had sex for 2 years prior to this. I found out a couple of months later that I was pregnant. It was my gp who gently told me I was being raped.

It took me a further 2 years to leave. I was quite trapped at the time with very little family support. But I did it I took my children and left.

I've never been able to tell a friend, family member or even my partner what he did to me. I had to have a lot of therapy.

As we have children I still have to face him at their life events and it sickens me.

This won't end, he will carry on doing it.

My best wishes to you x

[Louise000000]

This sounds horrible, I too have been raped by a bf who of course would never admit it was rape. It was a horrible time, I went to rape crisis which I found very helpful.
He will never see this as rape as you are his partner, you consented at first etc this was my bfs point of view.
He's invaded your body and betrayed your trust I don't think there's any coming back from this now

[Louise000000]

As @blissfulllife says your love for him will diminish and you will start being repulsed by this man for doing this

[madcatladyforever]

I was not sure as hes so young. I thought maybe he just doesn't understand this is wrong so I asked my son who is in his thirties and he said come off it mum everyone my age and younger knows about consent and this is definitely an assault. He knows its assault which is why he tried to hide it. He was disgusted about this.

[Noisymotorbike]

I've had similar (without the phone); I left the same day.

Second speaking anonymously to a specialist helpline to start processing it

[Anon4010]

I have read each one of these replies, multiple times.

The question - Do I believe it was rape - is what I’m trying to process right now, Deep down I know if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be questioning it, but as you lovely girls know it’s easier said than done to admit it.

I do believe I am in a state of shock and today has been just like any other day, but my parter is back to work from being off for the weekend and I’ve been left with my thoughts.

I have thought back over our relationship and there are many red flags I have forgotten about.

I think this is going to be a long journey for me, I haven’t even began processing it yet but I do really thank you all for acknowledging me on my time of need, I’m going to carry on crying now 😂

Take care all, you’re wonderful people x

[justanotherneighinparadise]

You are so young OP. Don’t let this be your life.

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

Once your eyes have been opened its impossible to ignore it. Is there anyone you can trust in real life to confide in?

[Anon4010]

@justanotherneighinparadise - I know, I’m very young I will take your advice thank you x

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam No I don’t trust anybody close to me, he was the person I’d turn to if something happened like this but unfortunately he’s the one that’s done it

[Pokske]

He does not respect your sleep, your body, your boundaruies -hence he does not respect you. It's not going to get better, to the con,trary he will grow bolder and bolder.
If you feel up to it, file an official complaint.
Get this horrible person out of your life ASAP.

[differentnameforthis]

I have also been re-framing my entire marriage (26yrs) and it's hard @Anon4010!

Be kind to yourself.
Stay safe.
Stay strong.

[MulticolourMophead]

OP, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I'd contact Rape Crisis or Women's Aid for help and support. And yes, take a look for any odd apps, eg calculator apps as mentioned before. I do suspect there's some video somewhere, it's that he had the torch on that makes me suspicious.

[MummyToPrince]

If you had a daughter and she said this to you what would your advice be? What would you tell her? Act on the advice you would give your daughter! I'm so so sorry this has happened to you x

[TruffleMama]

Dear @Anon4010

First of all - I am very sorry this has happened to you. Please try and confide in someone you can trust. You need support.

Secondly - I work in a law based profession and I can confirm that what you have described in your original post is: rape, sexual assault, and sexual assault by penetration.

No one can consent to sex whilst asleep. Your partner cannot assume complied consent. I can't express this enough.. it is not possible to consent to sex whilst you are asleep!

If you were to tell your partner that he could have sex with you whilst you are asleep, and then you fell asleep.. if your partner then engaged in sex with you whilst you were asleep - this is still rape. Even if you had given consent when you were awake.. as soon as you are asleep, you are no longer able to consent. The consent is removed and any sexual activity is non-consensual and therefore it is a criminal offence.

It would be the same if you passed out or fell asleep during sex - your partner would have to immediately stop as your consent would be removed. If your partner carries on having sex with you - again, this would be rape.

I really hope all of that makes sense.

There is no defense in law for what you have described. Alcohol is not a defense. He was also compos mentis enough to be able to use the light on his phone to see what he's doing, move away from you quickly, and to come up with a lie about watching TV.

I know it can be hard to see your partner as a rapist because of the emotions you hold for him... but imagine you had met a guy on a night out, gone back to his for a one night stand. You have sex, you fall asleep and then you wake up to find him having sex with you again or with his fingers inside you - you would instinctively know this wouldn't be right.

Please don't let any confusion cloud your logical thinking. Regardless of who has done this to you.. you have been raped and sexually assaulted. I'm so sorry.

This man has absolutely no respect for you. Please leave him.

I know you have said that you can't go to the police, but if you can find it in you to do it, I really think you should. He could go on to do this to someone else. He should be on the sex offenders register. Then his details will be available if any new partner decided to do a check on his using Claire's law.

Be strong