Partner Not Bothered With My Family But...

[Lalaloveyou2020]

My partner has never met any of my family. I tried at the start to involve him but he kept refusing to do anything with them so I just accepted it and left well enough alone. Now, however, we are on holidays in my partner's country and I am being dragged around to meet all his family. I am trying to be nice and friendly and they are similarly trying their best, but none speak a word of english and my own grasp of their language is basic at best. The whole holiday so far has been me sat playing with small children and feeling awkward. I have said to him i would prefer if i was left to chill on the beach with my book but he thinks that would be rude. So now, while I feel very friendly to his family, I don't feel in anyway friendly to him. I'm so resentful and this has boiled over into a fight, in which he can't understand where he is in the wrong. Biding my time until i get home, as I have another week here, but seriously considering getting rid of him when I get back. My family already think he's rude, if I was petty I'd be rude to his family but they're so nice (maybe DP is adopted!). Just a rant really. For context we have been seriously together for a year and a half.

Was the whole point of the holiday to meet his parents/family?

It does sound stressful, especially if you can't communicate!

If you've now met them though, why isn't that enough-why must you continue to feel awkward?

Tell him that it's your holiday too & you are going to the beach.

And then get rid when you get home.

It’s your holiday, you’re not there to entertain their kids.
Yes, go to the pool/beach and have a holiday.
If you’re not happy could you get an early flight home ?

Are you staying with his family or at a hotel?

You’ve done your bit, you’ve met them. Now tell him you’re going to enjoy the rest of your holiday on the beach. He can like or lump it.

Talk to him again and make very clear that is rude of him not to meet your family. I would also consider ending it if it turns up that he thinks his family is more important. That is the message his behaviour is giving away. And if he is like that, it will only get worst if you ever have children....

have been seriously together for a year and a half.

That is long enough to understand what sort of person they are. As you describe it, he isn't prepared to spend any time or effort with your family but expects you to act very differently around his extended family.

Does he have any other ideas where it's one rule for him and quite a different one for you?

Doesn't on the face of it sound as if he is worth much as a partner. I would tend to throw him back in the sea and find someone more interested in an equal relationship.

It's a difficult one isn't it? Your partners family being nice to you but you're resentful because of him being rude to yours. I would continue being nice and on your way back, give a serious ultimatum. Remember it's not his family's fault but what you can do is, mention how rude their son is to your family etc. Make it awkward for them because they will get the message since you're out of your way and spending time with them but their son can't with yours.

@takenbywine I would love to say that to him, I might try Google translate it and learn it off! In his apartment,it was sold as a relaxing beach holiday with lots of time alone, but everyday we're meeting his family and friends (he also hasn't bothered with my friends) and when I complain he just says it's the culture. Which also pisses me off. My family always do a Sunday dinner together, but he's never arsed himself going. I never thought to use culture as a stick to beat him with! I think it was all ok at home as I had accepted we were just a couple in private and didn't want other people involved - now it seems it's just my family he's not arsed with.

I'd dump him. He can't be arsed to meet your family but clearly expects you to bond with everyone including great uncle Joe.

Yes dump him. You have different expectations in life, you are not compatible.

Do you live together ?

I can really relate to this - I grew up with a cross-cultural family where my mum and me and my sister spent interminable holidays doing a parade of visits to various relations. It was always awkward, especially for my mum because while none of us really spoke the language at the time as kids we could just run off and play. My dad would be catching up with much loved relatives, drinking, eating and being merry and my mum would be trying to wrangle us, often either sitting unable to understand the conversation or helping wash up / clear tables etc. We'd go to my dad's home country for a fortnight and spend at least 12 of those days seeing different relations, all of whom wanted to be hospitable and none of whom could be passed over as it was rude to not visit with them, even if you'd seen them elsewhere.

It's utterly miserable.

I'd definitely say if you have somewhere with a pool or some such you can go to I'd have a 'migraine'or something and tell him to go do the next visit or two and have some time alone. I understand not wanting to offend but (a) he's not bothered about coming across rude to your family and (b) if you're breaking up when you get home anyway why does it matter.

Sorry, really long post with not much practical to say except I can completely relate and have such sympathy for you. It's that whole thing where you look at the clock and then an hour passes and you look again and it turns out it was only ten minutes. And when someone offers one last drink you want to weep because you know that means at least another hour before you can escape...

Personally I'd re-book my flight, pack my stuff and get a taxi to the airport. I wouldn't spend another week being dragged around by a selfish arsehole that I was planning to dump when I got home.

Another for book a flight and come home.

You've raised the issue and he hasn't listened and expects more of the same.

Just go home.

He doesn't sound like long term material

Another one for book an earlier flight and go home.

[quote Lalaloveyou2020]@takenbywine I would love to say that to him, I might try Google translate it and learn it off! In his apartment,it was sold as a relaxing beach holiday with lots of time alone, but everyday we're meeting his family and friends (he also hasn't bothered with my friends) and when I complain he just says it's the culture. Which also pisses me off. My family always do a Sunday dinner together, but he's never arsed himself going. I never thought to use culture as a stick to beat him with! I think it was all ok at home as I had accepted we were just a couple in private and didn't want other people involved - now it seems it's just my family he's not arsed with.[/quote]
Perhaps you need to review dating someone from a different culture?

It could be that your oh wishes for seal of approval with his family before becoming enmeshed with yours?

This does sound awfully unbalanced. I understand not wanting to meet your family and friends right away and waiting until the relationship becomes a bit more serious. I also understand not necessarily wanting to be with your family for every Sunday dinner. But there is a middle ground. When did you last try to involve him with your family/friends? Could it be that you tried to involve him with family/friends a bit too early on and then haven't suggested it again more recently when he might have been willing?

However, if he has just consistently refused to have anything to do with your family and friends, that's a massive red flag. There's no future with someone like that.

Another vote for heading home

@BrowncoatWaffles thank you for your lovely reply, you've really lived this experience too! @SoloMummy it's not a cultural thing, there's no expectations on him if he comes to dinner. Sunday in my parents is just an open house and if anyone wants to pop in they can. It's low key and my siblings partners all come and go. It's complicated by the fact that I now have to quarantine in his apartment when i return. I had always planned to stay for two weeks on return as my flatemates mum has cancer and I didn't want to risk it but now the country is off green list. I wfh and he works from home and lives alone so it seemed easier. I think Im now more annoyed with myself than anything else.

If you re-book a flight and come home earlier, you can get a head start on the quarantine period, and maybe find your own place, so you won't have to be around him for too long.

Spanish? Tell him to get lost if he won’t meet your family. Enjoy the rest of your holiday by doing tourist stuff, resist his family visits.

I’d dump him. I’d say it’s not the culture it’s just you think you’re special and I’m not, so your family and friends matter and I don’t, and I matter so little you happily lied to me about having a holiday instead of an endless round of socialising with people I dont know. Why would I be in a relationship with that?!

Oh leave early to get ahead on the quarantine. If you don’t have keys I’d be nice, make something up and tell him once you’re back tbh.

Had this with ex, call it cultural (definitely the visiting) but the rest is just rude. I spent 2 weeks in home country visiting relatives EVERY day, all speaking in their native tongue even when they could speak English, I felt isolated and alone, miserable for our DC. My ex was the worst 'offender' always starting the conversation in his first language.

I hated every minute of it, though people were very hospitable, and believe me I tried my hardest to 'fit in'.

Basically, he had no respect for me, hence is is 'ex'.