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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what should i do? stop me please.

69 replies

undertheredhill · 29/08/2020 16:53

After several days of rows and some threats and mild violence my husband has left. I told him to leave, he packed a bag and left without it, just wallet and phone. He's gone to the local town. I've had a number of messages blaming me for the fact he has nowhere to go & no apology or kindness to me. Hotels are all booked, he has few friends, and there isn't any money in the bank account anyway because we don't have an income at the moment. He will have to sleep on the street. His phone is dying and he doesnt have a charger. I'm weakening. I dont want him back but he's using my natural womanly kindness to weaken me. If he was kind and decent to me I would try and sort it out. Can someone tell me what I should do? I'm lonely and scared and about to get the car out and find him.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2020 16:54

Do not rescue the man who was violent towards you

kidsdrivingmemad · 29/08/2020 16:54

He's put his hands on you. This will never stop if you let him back in. It's his problem to sort out. He can go to family or friends or ring the council to say he's homeless.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2020 16:55

Presumably if he was less of a dick he'd have mates. Or wouldn't have been violent towards you.

morefun · 29/08/2020 16:55

No, don't get him. Why are all hotels booked, are you in a tourist area, there must be a b&b? It's not your concern though and you shouldn't be in a home with someone who is violent. Have left a violent man and trust me, the relief of living alone was amazing

SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2020 16:56

Or you can report the violence and he might get a night in prison for it. That's help you both

morefun · 29/08/2020 16:56

And kindness isn't womanly, it's normal in a good person. The kind you could be with of you want a partner in future

SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2020 16:57

What's the situation with the property, owned or rented? In who's name?

Original poster
undertheredhill · 29/08/2020 16:59

I am self employed and he has broken some of the things i make. There are no places to stay this weekend and he has nowhere to go, short term or long term. I asked him repeatedly to sort out our problems and i got silence or abuse. But I am worried about him and want him back. I feel responsible. We have been here before. He is blaming me for his problems.

OP posts:
TheTeenageYears · 29/08/2020 16:59

If he packed a bag but didn't take it he made a conscious decision and left expecting you to relent. Don't do what he expects you to do. At the very least he needs time to calm down and think about his actions. It's not your job to rescue him.

Original poster
undertheredhill · 29/08/2020 17:00

Rented, joint tennancy so he has a right to come back. But if he does, I will have to leave so then I will be on the street.

OP posts:
MidnightCitrus · 29/08/2020 17:01

@undertheredhill

I am self employed and he has broken some of the things i make. There are no places to stay this weekend and he has nowhere to go, short term or long term. I asked him repeatedly to sort out our problems and i got silence or abuse. But I am worried about him and want him back. I feel responsible. We have been here before. He is blaming me for his problems.
Where he lives is not your problem. He made the decision to be violent to you and your belongings.

YOU DO NOT WANT HIM BACK!!

SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2020 17:01

@undertheredhill

Rented, joint tennancy so he has a right to come back. But if he does, I will have to leave so then I will be on the street.
If you report the assault, and speak to your housing advisor they can help get him off the tenancy. As the victim of destoc violence they have a responsibility towards you. Any kid's?
Original poster
undertheredhill · 29/08/2020 17:03

I know all this but it's so hard. I want him home and to be a normal happy couple. I can put up with normal problems, life is full of strife and everyone has problems right now, but I cant put up with the level of abuse I'm expected to. My heart is breaking with grief.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2020 17:03

@undertheredhill

I am self employed and he has broken some of the things i make. There are no places to stay this weekend and he has nowhere to go, short term or long term. I asked him repeatedly to sort out our problems and i got silence or abuse. But I am worried about him and want him back. I feel responsible. We have been here before. He is blaming me for his problems.
So what did you do op to make him abusive towards you? What did you do to counteract his own choice of action of how to treat you and instead FORCE him to violence?

Clue. You didn't.

Original poster
undertheredhill · 29/08/2020 17:04

I stood up for myself.

OP posts:
Bluepolkadots42 · 29/08/2020 17:08

Can he sleep in the car perhaps- If you genuinely don't think he will find anywhere to sleep? Or you could look up details of a homeless shelter and send them to him?
He has created this situation himself through his abusive behaviours- if you let him back to the house you are enabling his behaviour and putting yourself at risk of further abuse. It isn't your job to rescue him from the consequence of his own nasty actions, but I appreciate why you might feel like you want to do something to help him.

Original poster
undertheredhill · 29/08/2020 17:08

No children, just me. Private rental, we will loose it if there is any sign of trouble. We have no income. We are struggling. I stand up for myself and ask him to be kind to me and be decent. I know he wont. But I want him back and to be a happy couple. I know it's pathetic. I pretend to everyone that i'm ok and have no-one to talk to. I will end up going to fetch him.

OP posts:
Original poster
undertheredhill · 29/08/2020 17:12

We don't have any family at all between us and he has no friends locally. I daren't trust him with the car in case he damages it and I need it to try and make my business work. I know I shouldn't rescue him, I know he will be abusive to me, but I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
babycakes1010 · 29/08/2020 17:13

Honestly get rid of this piece of shit...it is his own doing and is playing on it...he doesn't care about you he is expecting you to put up with it and it will only escalate!

willowmelangell · 29/08/2020 17:14

Don't let him back in please! Well done for sticking up for yourself.

Can you turn your phone off?
He sounds horrible and spiteful.

Dery · 29/08/2020 17:16

“Can he sleep in the car perhaps- If you genuinely don't think he will find anywhere to sleep? Or you could look up details of a homeless shelter and send them to him?
He has created this situation himself through his abusive behaviours- if you let him back to the house you are enabling his behaviour and putting yourself at risk of further abuse. It isn't your job to rescue him from the consequence of his own nasty actions, but I appreciate why you might feel like you want to do something to help him.”

This. He has deliberately put himself in the position of apparently being unable to find anywhere to sleep tonight so that he can manipulate you into allowing him back into your shared home. This is on him, not on you. It’s very hard to stand strong when you are used to capitulating to him. But that is what you need to do. It would not be safe for you to be walking the streets.

By the way – your feeling of responsibility towards him is something that he has most likely carefully nurtured within you. That is how abusers behave. They find a partner who is deeply kind and will habitually put the abuser’s needs before their own. They also invade their partner’s thinking. He is an adult and he is responsible for his own behaviour. You are not responsible for that.

He is the one that has made it impossible for your relationship to continue.

Do you have any friends or relatives who could come and be with you now and help you stay strong?

Graphista · 29/08/2020 17:17

I would take his claims of being in desperate circumstances with a large pinch of salt!

He put himself in this position

Block him, don't even entertain this clear emotional blackmail and manipulations

Not least because the point of breaking up with a man capable of violence is the most dangerous time.

At most report to police - as pp said then he can sleep in a cell! Problem solved!

Nicolastuffedone · 29/08/2020 17:17

Well, you can’t be a ‘happy couple’ because he’s abusive.......oh, and he won’t be sleeping in the street.....believe me.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2020 17:17

Defending yourself isn't a reason for someone to be violent towards your. Asking for respect and kindness isn't a reason. The reason is he made a choice to exert power and control over you and he chose to be violent.

Dery · 29/08/2020 17:17

You say you want him back and to be a happy couple. You can’t be a happy couple this man. So you need to recognise that he is not the man for you.