@undertheredhill - sorry I missed that you had replied to me yesterday evening. For ease of reference, I have reproduced your post below:
"Dery; "By the way – your feeling of responsibility towards him is something that he has most likely carefully nurtured within you. That is how abusers behave. They find a partner who is deeply kind and will habitually put the abuser’s needs before their own. They also invade their partner’s thinking."
Is this true? Am I really so weak and stupid? Why didnt I see this? I am not a weak person, even though I sound it right now. People who know me would be astonished if they knew what goes on here. I keep quiet and keep going. I live without love & care but I keep going. Womens Aid wanted to help me but I didnt think I needed it."
Firstly, OP - it's not at all about you being weak and stupid and I'm very sorry if that's how it seemed. The thing is that people with abusive tendencies instinctively exploit people. So someone who is naturally very kind and inclined to think the best of people and inclined to put other people's needs before their own (which is an attractive set of characteristics to have) is naturally more vulnerable to being exploited. Someone less inclined to put their partner's needs before their own is less vulnerable to being exploited in that way. But it's not at all about weakness and fault; it's about abusive people manipulating and exploiting those around them.
You might find it helpful to read "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head".
Life is not a dress rehearsal - this is your one shot. It's not okay for you to be living without love and care. There was a devastating thread on here several months ago from a woman who was in her mid-40s and had spent her entire adult life in an emotionally abusive relationship which she had previously failed to escape despite a few attempts. She wrote that she had finally managed to escape the relationship but had at the same time been diagnosed with a terminal illness and did not have long left to live. She was tormenting herself for having wasted her life in a destructive relationship and also made clear that she was posting as a warning to others not to make the same mistake.
Hopefully you have many decades left to live - assuming you live into your 80s or 90s, what do you want your memories to comprise? Do you want to look back on a life where - with support, including from some good friends - you escaped your abusive husband and went on to build a deeply fulfilling and contented life of your own? Or a life spent suffering in a relationship where you received no love and care but at least your friends and neighbours didn't know what was happening?
Please, for goodness sake, do not let fear of what other people will think stop you doing what you need to do to live your life fully and contentedly. You have no reason to be ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. Let one or two trusted people know what's going on and let them help you escape.