what should i do? stop me please.

[undertheredhill]

After several days of rows and some threats and mild violence my husband has left. I told him to leave, he packed a bag and left without it, just wallet and phone. He's gone to the local town. I've had a number of messages blaming me for the fact he has nowhere to go & no apology or kindness to me. Hotels are all booked, he has few friends, and there isn't any money in the bank account anyway because we don't have an income at the moment. He will have to sleep on the street. His phone is dying and he doesnt have a charger. I'm weakening. I dont want him back but he's using my natural womanly kindness to weaken me. If he was kind and decent to me I would try and sort it out. Can someone tell me what I should do? I'm lonely and scared and about to get the car out and find him.

If he has a car, he has somewhere to sleep.

OP have you thought about calling somewhere like Women’s Aid so you can get some support?

You’ve mentioned that he has friends so he could go to them but try not to worry about him as he hasn’t been worrying about you when he has been abusive towards you!

If he's threatening I would also call the police.

You really don't have to live like this. He is not the best you can do. You don't want to be alone maybe, but honestly being alone is better!

I dont have any family at all, anywhere, and my friends have no idea about my life. I am ashamed. I dont feel like a victim, I feel like a strong woman, I cope, I think of ways to move forward, I get things done. But I dont understand why he is cruel to me. I asked him to behave decently or leave and eventually he left, he will do anything apart from be decent to me & show me kindness. Why? I understand abuse and think I am damaged but I dont know what to do, it's so hard.

Womens aid know about me. They will call the police and it will be chaos. I will lose more than I have already lost.

Dery; "By the way – your feeling of responsibility towards him is something that he has most likely carefully nurtured within you. That is how abusers behave. They find a partner who is deeply kind and will habitually put the abuser’s needs before their own. They also invade their partner’s thinking."
Is this true? Am I really so weak and stupid? Why didnt I see this? I am not a weak person, even though I sound it right now. People who know me would be astonished if they knew what goes on here. I keep quiet and keep going. I live without love & care but I keep going. Womens Aid wanted to help me but I didnt think I needed it.

@undertheredhill

Womens aid know about me. They will call the police and it will be chaos. I will lose more than I have already lost.

It might feel like that, in the short term. But then you will FLY.

You asked him to treat you well or leave and he left! That tells you everything you need to know.

You sound like a very strong woman OP and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Please think about perhaps reaching out and talking to a friend about all of this. I’m sure you would want to to help a friend who was going through this. Or think about calling Samaritans just so you can talk to someone, they are there for anyone who needs to talk for whatever the reason. www.samaritans.org/wales/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

@undertheredhill

I know all this but it's so hard. I want him home and to be a normal happy couple. I can put up with normal problems, life is full of strife and everyone has problems right now, but I cant put up with the level of abuse I'm expected to. My heart is breaking with grief.

But you have not been and never will be a normal happy couple. He is an abuser and you are very sadly still under his spell. If he has nowhere to sleep that is his fault not yours. Please do not try to go find him. What would you say to a female friend in your situation? Please don’t let him come home OP. He doesn’t deserve you.

If you allow him back you are giving him absolute permission to abuse you, probably much more than he's done so far. I don't wanted to be dramatic but your life is in danger if you let him return. He's made his bed - wherever it may be - let him lie in it.

You do not have to go to fetch him from anywhere.
You do need to live safely, without abuse & manipulation.
Please don't let him come back inside the house; anything he needs can be put outside the door.
Stay strong, stay safe, think of yourself & your own future from now on.

Your worst enemy and your problem right now is you. Your best friend and the solution is also you. Abuse is a dance between two willing participants. It's also a drug just like heroin, to both parties. You're both addicted to this cycle via a trauma bond.

Refuse to cave to your powerful cravings for the dopamine highs that this drama brings you.
Embrace the initial pain and depression of withdrawal, and start the journey to true healing.

Carefully, systematically, erase every hold and tentacle of your abuser in your life - physical, emotional, financial, social. Break the cycle once and for all.

Mamakena I know you are right. Your words sound harsh but it is true. I'm trying. It's so hard. I'm so alone. I'm ashamed I've got myself into this situation and dont know how to begin unravelling myself.

You don’t have anything to be ashamed of. As well as the others’ advice, it’d be good to start opening up to friends. I’ve seen people keep all their problems secret as though it’s shameful to ever have any problems (it’s not) and it’s not good and it’s not healthy. We all need supportive relationships and we can’t have them if we’re not vulnerable with people we trust! (ie your friends)
Please don’t be embarrassed otherwise you won’t get the help you’ll need, this abusive man is relying on you being too ashamed to seek help and break free of him.

He will be back at your door shortly- guarantee it. He will ask why you don’t care about him on the streets - he told you he had nowhere and you did nothing - and so on to guilt trip you and let him in and so he can abuse you again with the added bonus of some additional shite to abuse you about - in his eyes. I recommend you call the police when he turns up, but I feel you won’t. Please, please return for help to women’s aid or similar, they will support you stay or go. You can get non mol orders super fast from ndvu I think it is, when you’re ready to evict him. You will never have a life with him, if you even keep hold of your life. Think on this - you weren’t born to be his punch bag then die - seek support to build your self esteem and understand your value. It’s horrible now, it will get more horrible but only ever get better after a short while of being totally away from him. Be kind to yourself OP.

Am I really so weak and stupid? Why didnt I see this?

No, you are no weak or stupid. You didn’t see it because it crept up on you. You are not to blame and you are not responsible for him.

Do NOT go and rescue him. He is a grown man and can look after himself....I presume this is the UK we're talking about, not the Amazon jungle.
Your answer is in the bag he packed but didn't take, that's because his mind wasn't really set on leaving or else he can use it to come back ("get my bag"). It tells you everything.
If you rescue him he will try to say everything is your fault and you'll be back to where you were.

Stay put. Lock the door. Don't answer phone or door. Stop worrying about him, an adult with a wallet and phone can look after themselves. Stay firm.....

If you rescue him he will try to say everything is your fault and you'll be back to where you were.

But he'll 'forgive you' and 'take you back' if you promise never to misbehave again.

Not only will the abuse continue, it will get worse every time you 'rescue' him. And it will get harder if not impossible to leave. (till he discards you for better narcissistic supply) Think back to how it got to this point.

Love yourself. Take control. Break this before it breaks you.

Big hugs too you OP, what you are feeling is completely normal but you need to fight your feeling and think rationally. He knows your going to cave in because you have before, this is why he didn’t take anything with him and why he is messaging you trying to make you feel guilty.

Write down all the reasons why he can’t come back, he is violent, he doesn’t treat you well, you deserve much more and you are better off without him.

I have been where you are now and it is really hard not to cave in, caving in is the easy option but not the right one.

He has trained you to feel bad when he is annoyed, typical of abusers. Do you really want to get him back so he can hurt you more? Do you want to stay with him?

Can you leave and stay with friends or family OP?

Or change locks?

He spent the day ringing me and being rude and hasn't booked a hotel all day so now they're all booked up and it's too late so he's sleeping in a park and blaming me.

What a dick.

His phone has died and he hasn't got a charger. Nowhere to plug it in anyway.

Should I go find him? I'm worried about him being assaulted/robbed.

I'm thinking......no.

I'm not feeling good though.

Does this sound like a personality disorder/depression/ some sort of illness? I dont' know what to do. I'm not going to know what to do tomorrow either.

How can it be that he really has nobody else to call? No relatives living an hour or two away? No friends of any kind whatsoever? How is that possible? It seems more likely that there are people he could call but he doesn't want to. Also, a night in the park in the middle of summer is not the worst.