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Original poster

Male/female friendship and current restrictions

56 replies

FinnyStory · 29/08/2020 10:41

I have an ex colleague who became a good friend through a shared sporting interest.

We haven't worked together for years but, in normal times, continued to go to sporting events roughly once a month. These would often be a full day out, travelling quite a distance and a few drinks on the way home and apart from DH, he's probably now the friend I'm closest to.

We've always been careful not do anything that might be construed as "romantic" out of respect for our spouses.

I haven't seen him since February and there's no prospect of returning to the sport any time soon. We live quite a distance apart, so a few drinks together would mean public transport, which we're avoiding. Both have peole at home we're trying to be careful for at the same time as trying tonget back to some sort of normal life.

We've discussed things like a picnic or a walk but that seems a bit date-like. Are we over thinking this?

Who's got an idea for a very platonic, low risk way to meet up? Something that would be OK for appearances sake iyswim. There really is no risk of it being anything other than platonic, I think that would have happened in one of our boozy outings if it was going to Grin

Both in our 50s, if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
GoodBoyDoggy · 29/08/2020 10:48

I think a picnic or going for a meal is fine.

boltzmannbrains · 29/08/2020 10:52

Honestly I think it’s a little strange to overthink whether an activity is “romantic” if you are confident you are just friends.

I have many platonic male and female friends and I treat them exactly the same - I’ve been to the theatre or out to dinner at a nice restaurant with male friends and it’s not a big deal because I know that it’s a platonic relationship.

Are you worried that he fancies you and will pick up on any potential romantic signals, or do you fancy him a little and that’s why you want to avoid any situation that could potentially be date-like?

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 10:54

I don't get what the problem is?

Original poster
FinnyStory · 29/08/2020 10:56

The only concern is making our respective partners "wonder". There is no cause for concern but we know that people do raise an eyebrow at male/female friendships.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 10:57

Why would anyone raise an eyebrow?
I don't get it.

DrDetriment · 29/08/2020 10:58

I have a male friend like that, ex colleague, and we've being doing a glass of wine and chat over zoom. We will meet for dinner soon, just like I would with a female friend.

Original poster
FinnyStory · 29/08/2020 11:01

@Aerial2020

Why would anyone raise an eyebrow? I don't get it.
OK, so I imagined all the threads here where OPs are worried about their partner's female friend?

We just try to make sure things don't look off, for appearances sake and as I said, out of respect for our partners.

OP posts:
ShellsAndSunrises · 29/08/2020 11:01

We've discussed things like a picnic or a walk but that seems a bit date-like. Are we over thinking this?

We can’t answer that. Presuming that you’re totally sure this is platonic on both sides, your concern is whether those activities will be okay for your spouses or whether they’ll cause concern... and to know that, you’d have to ask them.

Some people will be absolutely fine with you going out for a drink or a meal alone to catch up, some would want to be invited and included (especially if they’re not usually due to the sport), some wouldn’t be happy about it at all.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’d bother me, but I’d talk to my husband if I wasn’t sure what he’d be comfortable with.

boltzmannbrains · 29/08/2020 11:19

Is it an issue with your husband or his partner?

Having to censor your own friendships to avoid your husband getting suspicious makes him sound excessively jealous or suspicious.

Many of the threads you refer to are cases where the marriage clearly has deep seated trust issues. In a healthy, trusting relationship, outside friendships don’t trigger suspicion, and most married women don’t feel they have to do so much work to avoid their husband getting suspicious of them.

rorosemary · 29/08/2020 11:34

Why can't you meet up for a picknick with the partners as well? Maybe they'll like it too.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 11:35

Yep, still don't get it.
Unless you're planning some sort of affair this is way overthinking

NotaCoolMum · 29/08/2020 11:35

I wouldn’t be happy if my DP met another woman for a picnic because yes- it seems a bit “date” ish to me.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 11:46

Even if they were old friends?
Can friends only meet up if either don't have a partner?

NotaCoolMum · 29/08/2020 12:02

Of course they can! I just wouldn’t particularly be comfortable with a date like scenario. They met due to a shared love of a sport and the friendship blossomed (as they do)... but the fact is that even OP has stated that they know that it looks date-like and they don’t want to give partners cause for concern. 100% agree with @rorosemary- why not meet with partners as well? How many of you HONESTLY would be 100% comfortable if your DHs or DPs met up with a female friend for a picnic alone and you weren’t welcome?

Florencex · 29/08/2020 12:08

A picnic does seem a bit date like. Dinner or drinks seems fine.

Original poster
FinnyStory · 29/08/2020 12:10

You see, there are peole who would be uncomfortable with it and we don't want to do anything to make people uncomfortable.

DH isn't worried, I don't know his DW.

OP posts:
Advicewouldbeappreciated · 29/08/2020 12:11

I'd hate my male partner to have a close female friend. Hate it.
I think you are being thoughtful despite what the cool wives on here may say

Original poster
FinnyStory · 29/08/2020 12:11

DH isn't worried but he also wouldn't want to come on a picnic, just like he wouldn't particularly want to come on a picnic with a girlfriend he didn't know.

OP posts:
Advicewouldbeappreciated · 29/08/2020 12:12

Can you not meet WITH your spouses as a foursome? It might be nice to get to know each other

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 12:17

If he's not worried, what is the problem?

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 12:18

It's not being a 'cool wife ' I just don't get if the partner isn't worried, why is there concern?

boltzmannbrains · 29/08/2020 12:19

My partner still goes on holiday every year with his old uni gang which is two women and one other man. I realise it’s different because it’s a group, but him having close female friends doesn’t bother me.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 12:20

If you were friends before you met your partner, surely that's ok?

AramintaLee · 29/08/2020 12:30

I get what OP means... there are so many threads here started due to someone being suspicious of their partner's friend or work colleague (of different sex)

If you go for a picnic with him, how long before a thread pops up "my husband went for a cosy picnic with his female friend" lol

If I were you, I'd keep it as a day time lunch at a pub. Invite partners and if they choose not to go that's fine... at least you've been transparent.

I think it's absolutely fine and acceptable to have friends of the opposite sex but because you seem especially concerned about alleviating any suspicions, I'd just make a point of including your OH's in the plan and giving them an option to come along.

Original poster
FinnyStory · 29/08/2020 12:30

We weren't friends before we met kur partners. We met at work about 20 years ago, but we'd both been married 10+ years at that point.

OP posts:
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