Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Male/female friendship and current restrictions

56 replies

FinnyStory · 29/08/2020 10:41

I have an ex colleague who became a good friend through a shared sporting interest.

We haven't worked together for years but, in normal times, continued to go to sporting events roughly once a month. These would often be a full day out, travelling quite a distance and a few drinks on the way home and apart from DH, he's probably now the friend I'm closest to.

We've always been careful not do anything that might be construed as "romantic" out of respect for our spouses.

I haven't seen him since February and there's no prospect of returning to the sport any time soon. We live quite a distance apart, so a few drinks together would mean public transport, which we're avoiding. Both have peole at home we're trying to be careful for at the same time as trying tonget back to some sort of normal life.

We've discussed things like a picnic or a walk but that seems a bit date-like. Are we over thinking this?

Who's got an idea for a very platonic, low risk way to meet up? Something that would be OK for appearances sake iyswim. There really is no risk of it being anything other than platonic, I think that would have happened in one of our boozy outings if it was going to Grin

Both in our 50s, if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 12:53

I just re read your post and you've been out drinking on all day events before with your friend.
How is a picnic or a walk any different?

Gilda152 · 29/08/2020 13:00

Just go for tea?!

OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea · 29/08/2020 13:02

If your partner suspects anything then there is a trust problem really isn't there dh referred to my "other husband" the other day. No worries.

user1493413286 · 29/08/2020 13:06

I think maybe it’s the word picnic making you feel it sounds date like; if you call it sandwiches in the park or meeting at a cafe or meeting for a pizza rather than dinner or lunch out it sounds very different. It’s doing the same thing obviously but sounds different Somehow. Your DH is fine with it and it’s his business to see what his wife is happy with so I’d go ahead from your side.

Original poster
FinnyStory · 29/08/2020 13:07

Just a hunch but if DH is referring to your "other husband", I'd guess he's not as unconcerned as you imagine.

It's just about having some consideration for how others might feel, especially when those "others" are peole who are very important to you.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 13:08

Then don't do it?
What is the issue?
You've already said your partner isn't concerned. If you are, don't go.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 29/08/2020 13:09

So take your partners with you ?

Original poster
FinnyStory · 29/08/2020 13:20

DH wouldn't want to go for a picnic with my friendm

I probably am over thinking it but for all these years we've only met up to do something that our OHs didn't want to do. DH would quite happily come on a picnic or a walk with me iyswim, he's not interested in the sport.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 13:21

But he doesn't want to go on a picnic?

Original poster
FinnyStory · 29/08/2020 13:30

DH would come on a picnic with me, he doesn't want to go on a picnic with my friend. I wouldn't particularly want to go on a picnic with his friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
FinnyStory · 29/08/2020 13:33

I've worked out why it feels odd now.

When we go to the sport, although in reality, we enjoy each other's company we going ostensibly to see an event that our partners don't want to see.

If we meet up outside of that it will be specifically to see each other, no other reason.

That may or may not be a problem, but it is different.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 13:36

You are going round in circles.
It really shouldn't be this difficult if you want to see a friend or not.

Original poster
FinnyStory · 29/08/2020 13:41

@Aerial2020

You are going round in circles. It really shouldn't be this difficult if you want to see a friend or not.
And you're determined that it should be given no consideration when other posters have said it would bother them. Maybe come back to me when you've been married 30 years Grin
OP posts:
SuckingDownDarjeeling · 29/08/2020 13:42

I think it's very refreshing to see somebody acknowledging that a partner can be made to feel worried by a friend of the opposite sex, and to have some consideration for how to handle it. I can't understand the people asking what the problem is personally. In your case, obviously there is no problem but it's very kind of you to want to keep it that way for your DH and his DW.

So obviously things like the cinema would be out. I think a picnic in a large popular park would be better than a small secluded one. Ultimately, for me, I think the setting wouldn't matter as much to me as DH's behaviour during the event. It would be nice to send a message or two saying you're thinking of him or asking how he is, if he wants any food brought back perhaps. Disappearing off the face of the earth when out with friends of the opposite sex is a huge red flag for most. Or being cagey when you get back. If you were to come back and talk about how much fun it was and perhaps doing the same with DH in future I would think that would be very reassuring. Just my two pence! Thank you OP for demonstrating that there are considerate ways to go about some things.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 13:48

Wtf.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 13:49

What a shit thing to say.
Do what you want

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 13:50

I'm not 'determined ' about anything. I am simply replying to your updates.
But no worries, I don't have to.

PicsInRed · 29/08/2020 14:00

Actual "just friends" wouldn't angst this much over how to meet up 1:1 during a pandemic. They'd Facebook, phone, have a coffee or just wait.

I think you've become emotionally over invested and should have a good think about where this is headed.

Gilda152 · 29/08/2020 14:00

My sisters partner used to have a female friend who he'd go to comiccon type things with for years, sister didn't mind as he meant she didn't have to 😆 it was the only thing they did together though so I get what OP means when she says meeting up to do anything other would just be for the sake of seeing each other. I think if BIL had started doing stuff with his friend that he could be doing with my sister alternatively she may have raised an eyebrow. My best male friends wife couldn't give a crap if we go for tea instead of our sport together, neither does my DH but I'm a total hypocrite and really wouldn't like it if DH did it with a female friend. At least I'm honest about that

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/08/2020 14:13

I wouldn’t be happy with a picnic - what’s wrong with a coffee and a chat? Or going to one another’s house and having some food in the garden ?

workhomesleeprepeat · 29/08/2020 14:15

I’m so confused. You have had a platonic relationship for so long and now you’re worried about it not being perceived as platonic? Why?

Do your female friends have platonic male friends? Or is this unusual in your circles. My dp prob has just as many female friends as male. And some are - shock horror - younger woman he used to work with. I could not give a monkeys, and would be very put out if he implied to me that my male friendships were somehow untoward.

user1481840227 · 29/08/2020 14:16

I think you're making this into a far bigger deal than it is.

If you decide on a picnic then you can both check with your partners if there is an issue with you both looking too much like a couple.

TheStoic · 29/08/2020 14:16

Yeah you’re protesting way too much.

People with no romantic feelings toward each other generally don’t need to be ‘careful’ not to do anything construed as romantic.

You’re asking us to give you ideas to help you keep up appearances. They wouldn’t be ‘appearances’ if it was genuine.

It’s time to get real with yourself.

Inaseagull · 29/08/2020 14:17

Why don't you just do a facetime / zoom chat. See how that goes first, if you end up mostly talking about the sport or more general chat. Your spouses could be in the house at the time but not particularly listening in. Then progress that on to a meet up if it goes well.

PhilippaBlake · 29/08/2020 14:22

So your partner's ok with a picnic-up? You're ok with it? Then why not suggest it to your friend and he can check with/invite his wife? If she's also ok then go, if not then don't.

I don't really see what all this fuss is about. Some people wouldn't like it, some wouldn't mind, but other people don't matter - you only need to worry about the 4 people involved, surely. Long standing friends / couples. Just speak to each other.