Seperated parents - Newly dating.

[Mum2Girls90]

Hi,

I’m sure this has been posted numerous time’s but I just need to either vent or get some reassurance.

Myself and children’s dad split last year after we went through a big family trauma. We had continued to maintain a close relationship and all got on well and regularly spent time together with our children as I believe this is so important where possible to do so.

Anyhow, fast forward to now.
My ex has began dating (this of course stirred some uncomfortable and hurtful emotions as we were together 14 years).
12 days ago he met someone on an online dating site, we didn’t hear from him during that time unless our children called him to which he was usually “too busy to talk” aka with the new female.
So, he picked up our children this afternoon and during a conversation he dropped that he would like to introduce our children. I said I didn’t feel comfortable with that, it’s been 12 days and I don’t want our children being dragged in to situations with women coming/going. In my opinion you can’t know someone during that time.
He then continued the conversation by stating “during his time with the kids he can do what he wants” which is fair enough but it’s all just moved too fast my feet can’t touch the floor.
12 days? Facebook official? Wants to meet the kids?
I can’t cope!!

I have major trust issues with anyone coming in to my life so not ready to date but also when it comes to our children as one of our daughters has experience sexual abuse. I want to give them stability and security which is what has built my daughters resilience over the last year and I worry this will just ruin it all and cause confusion.

I’m sure I’ll have some “none of my business” comments or “you’re jealous” And I guess you could say I am. I spent 14 years of my life with a man and watched him drop us all in the space of 2 weeks and now it’s “true love” and i mean nothing.
I am hurt of course.

But please another parent tell me it’s ok to not be ok about this?

.

I'm not a parent OP but it's ok not to be ok about this! Your hurt aside, it's majorly fucked up for him to be introducing your DC to a woman after 12 days. Let this be a reminder that you're better off without this dipshit. Hopefully a parent will be along shortly with some good advice.

Woah! 12 days is ridiculously soon! My fiance didn't introduce me to his children for a year, so he could be sure he felt we had a future. I would be concerned if I were you, too.

Also, it is more than okay to be jealous and hurt, as long as you acknowledge it, which you are. It is much more unhealthy to bottle everything up xx

Obviously it's irresponsible in the extreme for him to involve your children at so early a stage. I suspect it's at least partly so having the children doesn't mean he can't see her. However, equally obviously he really can do this without your permission and having mentioned your misgivings there is very little else you can do about it. You don't mention the age of your kids but eventually they will come to recognise who has their best interests at heart.

Thank you to those that replied.
I do understand his responsibilities are naff all to do with me during his time, but I suppose I try to educate my children so much about healthy relationships and their dad is just doing the complete opposite to that.

Our children are 12 and 8 so not young children. My eldest especially is at a fragile age with an awareness of relationship dynamics And has noticed the change in her dads behaviour already. Which I do talk about and acknowledge with her.

I’ve made my point of stating im not comfortable with it but I’m sure that will be dismissed regardless.
I can’t help but feel it’s just all too soon and and I really don’t want my girls involved!

As a PP said, it is entirely reasonable for you to feel uncomfortable with this and it clearly is much too fast to be introducing kids. Anyone not in the heady lust of a new relationship could see that. And statistically, chances are this won't be a lasting relationship.

But equally you can't stop him introducing her. All you can do is support your daughters. It sucks but it is.

How do you know it's 12 days that's extremely specific?

Imagine meeting a bloke online and then his kids all within 2 weeks. Doesn't say much for her either

@MarthasGinYard he had our children the weekend he met her. He dropped them back on the Sunday afternoon and told me he was going on a date so dropped them home early. (I wasn’t impressed) then from that day he was with her everyday.
As I stated in my original post, we got on really well before all of this and talked pretty much everyday but things changed very quickly when he no longer answered calls etc.

We also have mutual friends and family members who feel the need to “fill me in” as they too have an opinion on it.

From what I gather she has a child too and unsure where that child is when they’ve spent every evening together since the Sunday.

I’m not a stalker haha! This is just from stuff he’s told me which we have since spoke and I’ve said I’m no longer comfortable hearing about his dating life.

If it was me, 6 months minimum of meeting someone and when I explained this we ended up
In a row and he says “that’s just because you don’t trust anyone and I’m not like you”

Can you revisit the conversation with him now you’ve both had a chance to calm down from the initial confrontation?

I’d say something similar to what you’ve said above - that you don’t object in principal to him introducing a GF, but that he must see it’s better that they’ve been stable together for at least a few months first.

IMO, you should acknowledge that you “can’t stop him,” but that he’s a good dad and you hope he’ll think hard about how confused and upset the kids might get if he and she don’t go the distance. Ask him what he’d be saying to a friend in a similar scenario.

This is one of those situations which you are not going to “win” with a confrontation because he’s right, there’s not much you can do to stop him introducing her. And, unfortunately, I think that trying to put your foot down will only make him more likely to do it, out of pigheadedness. It’s human nature.

I’m sure I’ll have some “none of my business” comments or “you’re jealous” And I guess you could say I am. I spent 14 years of my life with a man and watched him drop us all in the space of 2 weeks and now it’s “true love” and i mean nothing.
I am hurt of course.

This stood out to me OP.

I do think it is reasonable to have concerns that he is moving too fast in terms of introducing the girlfriend to the kids, but the above quote does suggest to me you are not entirely in a reasonable state of mind yourself. Getting into a relationship doesn't mean he has "dropped" his kids, and you and he were already separated, so nothing has changed in your relationship. I think you are being a touch dramatic to say he has dropped you all and you mean nothing.

On that note, how do you know he met her exactly 12 days ago? And what is his contact with the kids like normally vs now, for you and the kids to have observed a notable difference in his response? 12 days is not a particularly long time to not hear from someone.

None of this negates the fact that it is very soon for him to be talking about introducing someone now, but I do think you should analyse your thinking on some of this, because until you mentioned that he said that, it did read like you just don't like that he is with someone.

@aSofaNearYou I’ve been on mumsnet for long enough to know how people respond to these types of threads which is why I thought I’d put it out there first.
I am in a perfectly reasonable state of mind thank you and I don’t appreciate the questioning of such a thing.
I feel I have been open and honest with my feeling on the matter.

As I had stated in previous comments, we spoke multiple times everyday, he would come here most days after work to see the children. We’d eat together, go out together etc etc (with the kids of course).
Then from that Sunday, no one heard from him. Not even family as I had them calling me asking where he was and if I’d heard from him.
My children would call to FaceTime before bed and they would be met with that he couldn’t talk and was busy.
So they didn’t see him for the 2 weeks until he collected them yesterday. So yeah, I’d say that’s a big difference in his behaviour.

My eldest daughter (12) has already made comments that he’s “vanished” and has since then declined in wanting to talk to him - so also more feeling of rejection.

Just because we were seperated he was very much involved in our lives full on, which in hindsight probably wasn’t the best thing as of course things will change when dating begins.

Ok, that was a very defensive response. Why post if you "don't appreciate" being questioned or the suggestion you might not be entirely right? I didn't say anything offensive, did you just want people to agree with you 100%.

It isn't reasonable to expect him to be available every day, as you said yourself. It would be naive to think that would be practical long term. If he's just got into a new relationship, he may actually be busy, as in he's out of the house and busy. This is normal. Being so much in one another's pocket, if it was going to be an issue if one of you then got busy, was short sighted.

It's not great that he's talking about introducing them so soon but besides that you do need to manage your own and your daughter's expectations for how often you will all interact as a group.

OP - I think part of the reason you feel the way you feel - is that in a way, your life post separation resembled your life prior to that. Your ex was around and in your life. Probably less than before but only by a bit.
And - guessing here - you possibly hoped that that meant that maybe he is still unsure and there is a chance he’ll change his mind.
And I am sure kids also hoped that.
And now that he has started dating - it’s in a way a more ‘normal‘ separated situation but to all of you it feels like a big change.

Of course you can feel the way you feel. It’s totally understandable. You haven’t yet processed and made peace with the end of your relationship. It will take time.

He is of course being stupid and rushing things. And it may all crash and burn anyway. But, as you know, you can’t really do much but hope he’ll learn a lesson on his own.

Your kids will be OK. He hasn’t dropped them. They will still need to develop a new relationship with him in this new phase. And they will. Kids are resilient and will be OK as long as the two of you don’t descend into conflict.

'As I had stated in previous comments, we spoke multiple times everyday, he would come here most days after work to see the children. We’d eat together, go out together etc etc (with the kids of course).
Then from that Sunday, no one heard from him.'

You were separated ,no need really to speak 'multiple times everyday' and all the other stuff that came with it can actually be the opposite of healthy IMO.

These extremes can't be good for any of you, as It's now gone the other way.

Calmly explain you feel it's a very new thing, and you would rather wait until your dc meet the GF.

Thanks all for your replies.

@aSofaNearYou I apologise if my response came across as defensive, im quite used to having my sanity questioned by my ex and told my response (which I feel is valid) is not normal.

Yeah I agree with other posters that it probably wasn’t healthy but I guess we’d been through a lot as a family and felt it was better to try to maintain some level of normality despite us separating during a difficult time.

It’s just hard adjusting to something new. I don’t know how people deal with separation and other partners. I’ve never been in this situation before and I guess I’m struggling with navigating it a little.

12 days seems fast to meet school age kids but I admit I did introduce dp to dd (university student) after 2 weeks so I'm not one to judge. Sometimes it's just right. It does depend somewhat on how long they talked before meeting too. Dp tells me he knew I was the one before we met in person.

Ps I still have a good relationship with stbexh and I'm his agony aunt. It's not easy maintaining a good relationship with an ex but it's possible. My advice to you is to have fun, get on tinder! I didn't meet dp on tinder btw but had fun.

"State of mind" was probably a clumsy turn of phrase, I wasn't questioning your sanity, just suggesting you weren't seeing things entirely clearly if you feel him being in a relationship means he has dropped you and the kids. It's the contrast to the previous set up that makes you feel that way but in reality it's perfectly normal to not be in touch every day or do things all together and it doesn't mean anyone is being dropped.

I think you need to focus on just the issue of introducing partners too soon, rather than conflate the issue with the fear that he's going to abandon his kids. It doesn't mean that at all and it doesn't sound likely if he has been as present as you say.

Don't drive any wedge between him and the kids due to jealousy/sadness from you - the kids should not have to deal with adult emotions as well as their own emotions they'll be dealing with stemming from their parents breaking up (which is a major uproot in their lives regardless of who's dating who). If they sense you are unhappy with this new woman they may feel misplaced guilt which just ends up de-stablising them and feeling like they should pick sides. Just continue supporting them as normal and don't discuss your ex and his new flame with them at all or let on to them that you're upset by it. Speaking as a child of divorce, too many women do this and cause their children unnecessary suffering, rather than the ex. At the end of the day you can't control when/how he introduces new women to them unfortunately.

Is your ex a chap who needs to be needed? It seems reading (although not all I admit) that after the separation he was very much involved with you and the children, now he’s met someone new he’s very much involved with her. Does this man not want/know how to be alone? And yes 12 days after meeting someone.....honeymoon period much!! Waaaay too soon to be bringing children into the mix. What’s the rush about, all sorts of connotations you could put on that. Not even a fortnight and a fortnight’s nothing......to eager by half! As I read on here a while ago, posted by a very on to it poster ‘there’s nothing as selfish as a man in a new relationship’.

I agree with your concerns but unfortunately, a divorce is not a marriage with two households and the way you worked together raising the kids when together, where you or he could dictate what the other should or shouldn’t do WRT the kids, is going to change gradually as you move on and the reality of parenting apart sets in.

I’m afraid that you cannot decide when he introduces new people, it is his call, as it will be yours when you meet someone else. The only thing that you can do is to support your children through this and answer their questions in a positive way. Supporting the kids to go through this without major dramas or heartbreak is the best you can do for the kids at this time unfortunately.

If they sense you are unhappy with this new woman they may feel misplaced guilt which just ends up de-stablising them and feeling like they should pick sides. Just continue supporting them as normal and don't discuss your ex and his new flame with them at all or let on to them that you're upset by it. Speaking as a child of divorce, too many women do this and cause their children unnecessary suffering, rather than the ex.

This is so true.

I think it probably suits him to introduce his children to her children.

That way he play the great dad and she can think how marvellous he is and what a catch and will shag his brains out as soon as the kids have gone to sleep. (Sorry for being brutal OP bit the men I know think with their dicks).

So that’s probably why the urgency. He’s jumping into this as he doesn’t want to feel the pain of being lonely or mourn the relationship you once had. He’s just trying to move past that and get straight to the shagging.

Perhaps the way to get round this is to say something to appease him. And also stop seeing you as an over worrying doormat sat at home bored while he doesn’t have to think of you with another man (It’s manipulation I know but it’s handy):

“look let’s be honest, you’ll probably meet and date a lot of women and many will have children. You can’t introduce your kids to every one as the kids will miss them when you break up with them for a new one. They also want special time with their dad and are already upset and missing you.

I met a nice guy the other day at Asda. He changed my flat tyre for me. So kind if him and you know it’s made me think twice. I’d have never even considered it before.

Anyway, theoretically how long would you want me to wait before introducing him to the kids? I know very little about him except he’s kind and works in a garage. He’s got a son. He’s asked me out for a meal. But I don’t want to upset the kids if it doesn’t pan out. He could be dodgy for all I know. So I’m thinking six months.

I can see him when you’ve got custody of the kids and you can see your woman when I have custody. What do you think?”

He may not fall for it but it would be nice to turn the tables and see how he feels about another man round his kids. May provoke a different response?

@LilyWater I couldn’t agree more with your post. My eldest especially I will answer truthfully when she asks questions, but I am mindful that at times I can have a bitter tone when speaking of the issue. I am human after all. But we simple talk about healthy relationships. She does ask me when/if I plan to date but I’m very open with my daughter being that I don’t trust too easily and would take me time to feel comfortable with someone new.

@Elieza I have tried this approach in putting another perspective to him (mine) and usually met with “well I wouldn’t care”. Now he’s with someone I’ll add. Weeks before I couldn’t even mention the possibility of me dating as he would openly shut the conversation down stating it made him angry.

I guess I can identity I’m feeling a loss of control over the situation but after dinner and some drinks with a girlfriend last night who’s in a similar situation helped me to relax and simply just get on with it.
For me it would be a minimum of 6 months before introductions and that again would entirely depend on how often I saw this person and to what depth the possible Relationship had grew to.

Thanks for all the input.
Some things to think about but hoping once the kids are back to school and back to my busy self again I won’t be so consumed by his life.

OP. Just to reiterate, I’m not suggesting you date. I’m suggesting you lie to provoke him into having to consider it may be happening and how it would affect his kids.

You hit the nail on the head - ‘he wouldn’t care’ yeah that’s what he says because he’s so sure you won’t date. He thinks he’s in control.

That’s why I’m suggesting some made up random relationship you’d never have expected so he will shit himself and start thinking that you might date and how quickly does he want some romantic random guy he doesn’t know near his kids.....

When he objects then you negotiate for ‘your’ partners access which he would then realise should be the same as his partners access.

Hopefully!

Sorry if that’s a daft idea but he’s not thinking clearly or he wouldn’t be doing this to his kids.