Seperated parents - Newly dating.

[Mum2Girls90]

Hi,

I’m sure this has been posted numerous time’s but I just need to either vent or get some reassurance.

Myself and children’s dad split last year after we went through a big family trauma. We had continued to maintain a close relationship and all got on well and regularly spent time together with our children as I believe this is so important where possible to do so.

Anyhow, fast forward to now.
My ex has began dating (this of course stirred some uncomfortable and hurtful emotions as we were together 14 years).
12 days ago he met someone on an online dating site, we didn’t hear from him during that time unless our children called him to which he was usually “too busy to talk” aka with the new female.
So, he picked up our children this afternoon and during a conversation he dropped that he would like to introduce our children. I said I didn’t feel comfortable with that, it’s been 12 days and I don’t want our children being dragged in to situations with women coming/going. In my opinion you can’t know someone during that time.
He then continued the conversation by stating “during his time with the kids he can do what he wants” which is fair enough but it’s all just moved too fast my feet can’t touch the floor.
12 days? Facebook official? Wants to meet the kids?
I can’t cope!!

I have major trust issues with anyone coming in to my life so not ready to date but also when it comes to our children as one of our daughters has experience sexual abuse. I want to give them stability and security which is what has built my daughters resilience over the last year and I worry this will just ruin it all and cause confusion.

I’m sure I’ll have some “none of my business” comments or “you’re jealous” And I guess you could say I am. I spent 14 years of my life with a man and watched him drop us all in the space of 2 weeks and now it’s “true love” and i mean nothing.
I am hurt of course.

But please another parent tell me it’s ok to not be ok about this?

@Elieza I understand what you mean.
Rather comical really, Perhaps I should take some notes of this phantom man in my life!

I think this is one of these situations that regardless of what I say I’ll be met defiance either way from him.
Compassion/empathy is something he’s always lacked!

An update to this post.
My children came home today & told me all about their weekend with the “girlfriend” and it was so hard to sit and be ‘happy’ without 21 questions.
However, not only did he spend the last 2 days with her but they also stayed at this woman’s house overnight!!!

My youngest (8) was chatting away about it and I asked my eldest to confirm that they had stayed at a potential strangers house. My daughter at first told me looking very uncomfortable (secrets are a no go in this house from previous experiences) but has said that dad told her not to tell me.
I am so angry!

OP - you are making it so hard for your children. It’s really really not what they need.

I am in a similar situation on a way. Divorce just went through and it’s been 2months since ex moved out. Kids knew about it since Feb.
So - he now apparently has a gf. He told them, not me. Which is fine, I don’t have a right to know about his personal life, really.

I asked kids if they were Ok with that. And they seemed totally fine. So - I presume in some near future they’ll meet her.
Maybe in his, maybe in her house.

I must say I know nothing about her. Just the name. And eventually - I’ll know more, I presume. But - it’s none of my business and he is their parent. So if and when he decides to introduce them - will be what it will be.

His gf may be a stranger to you - but to him it’s his new relationship. Too fast in many people’s eyes, but again, only his opinion matters on that.
And your kids weren’t in danger in another woman’s house. They were with their father.

You talk about losing control over situation. And I think that’s the core of the issue there. You can’t have total control over kids lives anymore. Not when you are co-parenting.
It’s not easy, but you need to let it go and not make it so hard for the kids.
They’ll be happier if they can develop a relationship with your ex’s new partner.
And eventually with yours, if you chose to have one.

I don't understand why no one finds it unacceptable that he basically blanked his kids for 2 weeks so he could spend time with his new girlfriend instead?? He couldn't even be bothered to facetime them at bed time!

@Jsku thanks for your comment
Could you please elaborate further in how you feel I am making this more difficult for my children?
By asking them how their weekend was and showing an interest? Would my children come home from school and not tell me about their day?

It was not an interrogation but a conversation.
Their dad has told them to lie to me? To withhold the fact he has stayed at a strangers house when he barely knows her himself?
And I’m the one making it worse for my children?

Please explain.

@Bearno2 well apparently that doesn’t matter
I’m the problem for feeling concerned rolls eyes

And his youngest child (seperate mother) who has just turned 3 slept in the same bed as him and his new girlfriend first time of meeting.

But I’m sure that’s ok too.

OP - your kids pick up on your feelings and reactions. You may think you hide and pretend well - but kids see through it all.

Kids can do OK in divorce. This happens when the conflict between the adults is kept to min.
You aren’t doing yourself or them any favours by dwelling and fixating on this situation. It’s unhealthy.
You know you can’t change it - but you have not accepted it.
You really need to start thinking about how you can move on.

Look - I agree he is moving too fast. But - you can’t make him change his mind. For now - she is in his/his kids lives.

Her house isn’t some dungeon where your kids are in danger. If you thought your H can’t be trusted to take care/to text the kids - he shouldn’t have access to them.

He asked the kids not to tell you to spare you as your reaction was predictable. Make it easier for them - don’t escalate the conflict with the Ex.
This relationship would either fizzle out or go the distance. Let it develop naturally.

@Mum2Girls90 wait, so he has another child by a different woman? I’m guessing that was the traumatic event? I’m not prying, I’m just trying to understand. Is he juggling two families along with a new girlfriend? If he is, I would definitely back away slowly from him as he’s about get tangled up all over again.

@JingsMahBucket our daughter was sexually abused by a member Of family. I know it’s hard for others to understand who haven’t been in my position of why I am struggling to accept and I suppose trying to manage my own triggers of why I find this so uncomfortable.
We had separated for 3 years and during that time had a one night stand. A year late we decided to try again and that involved his child too. We lasted a year then everything came out with our daughter and we fell apart.
I’m not a bitter woman and I try to do everything in my power to keep my children safe.

@JingsMahBucket and yes he now has 3 kids, 2 different mothers and just getting involved with another.

@Mum2Girls90 I can tell you’re not bitter, just protective of your children, which is understandable considering your family’s past. :)

The concern around having them sleep at a stranger’s house is also understandable. How did your daughters feel about that considering the past incident? Maybe it’s time to review some (mental) tools for them to keep in mind so they feel safe? Ex: they can always call you no matter the time of night if something feels off; they carry their own phones with them when visiting their dad; you have safe words to communicate different levels of discomfort, etc.

Would some safeguarding concepts like those be helpful for both you and the children?

@JingsMahBucket luckily they both have phones but their dad likes to refuse them taking them on his weekends. No idea why. But my eldest insists on taking hers despite his strong demands for no phones.
I’ve asked that when he’s ready to discuss it with me properly to contact me as when I called him he said I was talking shit and hung up on me.

Mental tools, I guess I need to look at those. We have very open communication in our house but my eldest and her dad aren’t very open with each other.

I asked my eldest to confirm that they had stayed at a potential strangers house. My daughter at first told me looking very uncomfortable (secrets are a no go in this house from previous experiences) but has said that dad told her not to tell me.

^ that’s exactly the way NOT to do it and the way to hurt them and force them to take sides.

it is your children right to enjoy visits with their dad and not be grilled on their return for the parent. You need to accept your kids will need a degree of privacy to be able to have a good relationship with their dad while their parents are not happy with each other.

This is a difficult situation for you all. As you are aware he is free to take the children where he wishes and to meet whoever he wishes on his time. Unless they are at significant risk of harm he has parental responsibility as much as you do.

Introducing the new girlfriend is about proving a point he is moving on and doing great. Don't make it an issue he will see it as you being bitter etc

My children were a little younger when their dad left and moved in with ow 5/10. They were sleeping on their bedroom floor in a shared house. Much I didn't like about it. I always asked the children about their weekend and did they have fun etc. And said it's like camping blah blah.

Once my eldest turned 12 he stopped the sleep over as he was uncomfortable with the arrangement. I empowered him to make that choice and supported him with his decision. Whilst encouraging him to maintain his relationship with his father.

It is a tricky balancing act. I took no interest in ex /ow the children were safe in their care although he doesn't parent like I do there was nothing neglectful about his care towards them.

I would empower your children to talk about what they are happy with and what makes them feel uncomfortable Nd how that can be addressed. It isn't an easy position to be in I know.

I broadly agree with PP on this. He’s been an idiot to rush the intro, not to mention way too quick with a sleepover with this new GF. He is wrong for having done both those things, and it’s not surprising that you’re angry and upset with him.

However, you are only going to damage your kids by expressing that through how you ask them questions and what you ask about. Even if you don’t “think” your kids picked up on your feelings, I can guarantee that they actually did.

Your ex is a prat, but he’s their parent too. Unless he’s putting them in actual danger (and female child abuse is rare), then you have to take a step back here. Don’t keep questioning your kids about what they did at Dad’s - you really don’t need to know. Reinforce the message that they can tell you if there’s something worrying them and then trust that they will.

@unicornsarereal72 despite how my messages come across, I’m writing with angry responses but I’m well aware of my own communication towards my children when conversing. I feel I do empower them, what do they enjoy, were they comfortable etc. Perhaps how I write here it comes across as an interrogation.

This isn’t where I rip my children from seeing their dad, I’m simply venting my own frustrations in an adult world but yet I am judged for it.

For other posters that state female perpetrators are rare, yes they are but not non-existent also. Besides the fact, children can also be just as exploratory and harmful.
I understand that many posters here feel I am being irrational and that I have no right, but I disagree.
As their mother I have a duty to continue to protect my children whether in/out of my care. Right now; I feel my children’s dad is simply thinking with his d**k and that is all!

@Mum2Girls90 I did not mean to imply that you are nothing but sensitive and supportive to your children. I know how frustrating this situation. My ex put the children in a position I never would but social services felt that he wasn't a risk to the children. Even though school raised 2 safe guarding. SS felt it was a misunderstanding.

Keep a diary of anything that concerns you so that you have notes to look back on and make school aware of the situation so that they can offer support as necessary.

Op

No experience of this, but I'd be beyond incensed if my dc were staying with some new girlfriend of two weeks.

It must be tough

If you don't mind me asking, how was your ex about your daughter's abuse OP? Did he take it seriously?

@unicornsarereal72 I didn’t take it that way, so no offence taken.

It’s such a difficult situation isn’t it and one I’m learning to somehow try and navigate. Sure there will probably be mistakes along the way but I’m human after all.

We can’t all be perfect and get it right the first time round.

@aSofaNearYou he did take it seriously in some sense, anger mostly. But he was very avoidant of the emotional toll it had and instead turned to drugs to deal with it: hence our split. He refused any support for counselling or from anyone.
I understand he won’t think like me but I do wish he could consider my concerns after all we have had to deal with.

Ugh, I hate this bit of separation with kids. Men tend to move on so so fast. He is flooded with the love bug hormone chemicals and he has now got a new primary relationship he will protect at all costs....hence his change of behaviour. Its all hormonal...honeymoon stage. He will make rash decisions as he is doing and there is nothing you can do but ride this one out. I totally get your concerns around safe guarding. The relationship will continue to move very fast and be prepared for them to move in very soon together. It probably wont last so be there and support you children through this first love bombing episode your ex is going through. Remember its all chemicals. He won't consider your concerns so please don't even go down that road...he wont care about you now......for now. He is only interested in one thing.....her and how she makes him feel right now. You can not talk to him or get him to understand anything. This phase will pass within 6 to 18 months then you can have a decent conversation. This is a great time for you now to completely separate yourself from him as I don't think you really have had the time to adjust to him being out of your life as you seemed to have carried on nicely with him being around all the time. Thats not healthy at all for you. Go and now grieve, don't try and talk to him and make demands....they will cause more problems than you can imagine. Keep talking to you children and they will adjust for the time being. Good luck.

Urgh problem is he set up an unhealthy dynamic with you didn’t he, almost like he might be going to come back to you? Then he dropped all of it suddenly?

I think ultimately he has done YOU a favour here by getting out of your life now and less enmeshed with you. All you can do for the DC is your best parenting

Can I tell you though from today this moment do not discuss this with your DC any further. Zero interaction about dads new girlfriend with them apart from to just give them a hug if they say something about it, or to tell them you love them. If they ask you questions about this you must say you do not know the answer, but dad loves them. You can’t answer for him, or speculate. No comments about him. No comments about her. No speculation. You will not be doing your DC any favours to discuss this with them like they are your adult friends which is how it kind of comes across

It is not acceptable that he has done any of this

But also what is not acceptable is for the DC to see their mother so consumed by it, it does come across as though it’s a level of obsessional hurt and anger. You listen to kids you don’t question them. You don’t ask them leading questions or answer for him with speculation or your feelings about it. You also don’t tell them that parent B is wrong/bad for making his own decisions if they aren’t ones you would make.

You also don’t talk to them about not dating because you don’t trust people. This is all ‘adult’ stuff that DC should not be involved in.

I am a child of divorce and so are my DC. I still bear the scars of a bitter enmeshed mother who still grills me about my DF, scoffs at his life, makes open judgements about him and it’s horrible. I hate it. I never do this to my DC, even in the toughest times with their father all they should have seen is me being kind to them and wanting everyone to be happy. Some things have not sat right with me and I have let the DC explore those feelings but I have not opened up to them about MY feelings on it. Ex also took my small DC on a holiday with a strange woman, stopped calling them etc - this was not an end of the world event, it was just different and I helped them to deal with it. I allowed them to tell me how they were feeling and I hugged them. I did not confront my ex and I did not try to control what happened when they were with him. Years later she’s still stepmum and she’s fantastic, I really like her and so do my DC. I am proud I helped them get there