Seperated parents - Newly dating.

[Mum2Girls90]

Hi,

I’m sure this has been posted numerous time’s but I just need to either vent or get some reassurance.

Myself and children’s dad split last year after we went through a big family trauma. We had continued to maintain a close relationship and all got on well and regularly spent time together with our children as I believe this is so important where possible to do so.

Anyhow, fast forward to now.
My ex has began dating (this of course stirred some uncomfortable and hurtful emotions as we were together 14 years).
12 days ago he met someone on an online dating site, we didn’t hear from him during that time unless our children called him to which he was usually “too busy to talk” aka with the new female.
So, he picked up our children this afternoon and during a conversation he dropped that he would like to introduce our children. I said I didn’t feel comfortable with that, it’s been 12 days and I don’t want our children being dragged in to situations with women coming/going. In my opinion you can’t know someone during that time.
He then continued the conversation by stating “during his time with the kids he can do what he wants” which is fair enough but it’s all just moved too fast my feet can’t touch the floor.
12 days? Facebook official? Wants to meet the kids?
I can’t cope!!

I have major trust issues with anyone coming in to my life so not ready to date but also when it comes to our children as one of our daughters has experience sexual abuse. I want to give them stability and security which is what has built my daughters resilience over the last year and I worry this will just ruin it all and cause confusion.

I’m sure I’ll have some “none of my business” comments or “you’re jealous” And I guess you could say I am. I spent 14 years of my life with a man and watched him drop us all in the space of 2 weeks and now it’s “true love” and i mean nothing.
I am hurt of course.

But please another parent tell me it’s ok to not be ok about this?

Thanks all for your posts.

It's massively too soon. His new relationship is not secure and stable. Talk to him and agree a time say 3 months, if they are still together then the girls can meet.

But from your posts I think a secondary motivation is evident. You are not over him, and I think you need to work on that because it's you who is going to be deeply hurt not him. Try and date yourself, find something to focus your time on.

Ignore my post your updates invalidate my response. He's moving far too quick, playing happy families when the situation isn't stable enough.

But a word of advice don't question the children when they come home, let them talk if they want too. My step kids hate going home because the first hour they are relentlessly interrogated. As well it seems his family are getting too involved too. Try to take a step back for you own sanity! Still recommend dating though, do something to take your mind off it.

Final thing no matter how much he initiates this new family set up, the kids will not jump as fast, it takes years to build loving bonds. If she left tomorrow I bet your children would not give a monkeys.

Really good post @Menora, your children are very lucky to have you.

OP please don’t take this that people are telling you that your feelings are wrong - they are not. It’s normal to feel this way and totally understandable.

By creating a divide with ‘us’ and ‘them’ you are also creating a judgment in your kids minds about their father. He is making bad decisions that seems to be correct. But you are not his mother and he is an adult and although you really want to protect your DC from his bad decisions, this is something that you cannot control. All you can control are the decisions you make and this can’t be you as the superior more protective parent and him as the bad, silly idiot parent. He has met a new woman, he hasn’t committed a murder. Clearly there are past issues why you don’t trust him at all. If the DC are not safe with him at all then this is a legal issue you need to take further.

You could even end up in a dynamic where the DC feel sorry for their DF if you push too much and that won’t help anyone. Or where they cannot trust him - if you make it appear to them that you are afraid and untrusting of him, this can damage their view of him which can’t be repaired. It may be that they find they can’t trust him but that has to be their view and not yours - their conclusion to come to, and not what you think of it. I hope any of this makes sense.

You do have a lot of power of influence over your DC and you have to be careful that your own views and feelings don’t cloud your DC’s views and feelings so that they come to their own conclusions. You don’t want your DD to be me in 25 years who cringes every time your mother speaks about your father and exits the conversation immediately. I can’t tell her ANYTHING about him at all so I am completely cut off from having her support because she can’t keep her own feelings out of it.

This lady is a stranger but their DF is with them when they are there, DD has a phone with her and you have to be really careful you do not cause an anxiety in the DC about being with him that’s based on your hurt. If they have a nice time and like this woman, it’s not a reflection on you, it is good for them to be happy and have fun with their DF.

12 days is absolutely ridiculous (I'm not a parent).

Either he is totally infatuated or she's pushing for it for some reason, or it could be coming from her for various reasons. It's not a wise thing to do for the children's sake, but maybe she wants to see them really early on because maybe in another relationship she invested heavily in a man before finding out a year or two down the line that it was never going to work because the kids didn't like her? Who knows.

He's been childish with this and it comes across slightly like a spiteful power move on his behalf, or he might not want to admit that he's wrong.

Yes, it's his time but they are YOUR CHILDREN as a couple.

Well I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I feel totally judged, humiliated and branded as some bitter, slandering ex that is trying to turn their children against their father, who also interrogats their children with a thousand questions the minute they arrive home who screams utter bitterness about their father.

Wrong.

I am a woman, a human being, who has spent 14 years with a man who yes had hurt me, experienced EA, drugs and other women. I am angry, sure, but what I say here is not what I say to my children. I’m more than aware of dynamics, of childhood parental dysfunction and of the possible insecurities my words can have on and impact my children.
I simply wanted this place to vent. Instead I feel judged and like I am some psycho control freak and not allowed any feelings or opinion on the matter.
To all of you who have the lives and motivation to move on so swiftly without feeling anything I am. I’m very envious you were able to do so.

However, as a woman, if this were me, having my children stay over at a mans house they had only just met I can guarantee I would be slandered for that too.
Inequality much?!

I don’t wish to comment anymore.
So from a struggling woman thanks for judging me.

People are trying to help you by not making some serious mistakes that can damage your relationship with your DC. I have no investment or desire to hurt you in any way. You admit you are new to this so some of us who have experienced it are trying to guide you down the path that will lead to a happier healthier existence. By all means vent here but be so careful what they see and hear, kids pick up on everything even your tone of voice and your body language changing when you see their DF. It’s like learning a whole new way of behaviour almost and it’s hard.

You are allowed to be hurt and angry. I’m sorry that you are feeling hurt and angry. I’m sure some of the things I have said have hit a nerve with you, and others but from my end it was not intended as an attack on you but reality.

12 days is ridiculous. I don’t know what the woman is thinking either I agree. But this isn’t going to help you to move forward all it does is reinforce bitterness and anger about something you can’t control. Its healthy to a point to vent, but there has to be a next step in the right direction for the future. I though that is what you needed, not a slagging off session - might make you feel better temporarily but it won’t actually help you in practical terms

I’m a woman as well but however shite your life and my life may have been that doesn’t give us a excuse to hurt or damage our kids to have the freedom to express our feelings without restraint. You are the parent and the adult here, let those feelings flow when talking to your friends and your family but leave your children to enjoy contact with their dad without guilt and stay out of it.

You never know what the future holds, sometimes it is precisely that new woman you are assuming “unsafe” the one who would be advocating for your kids, keeping them safe and caring for them while his selfish dad doesn’t lift a finger to help with the kids. Be also aware that, if you were unlucky to marriage a selfish irresponsible person there is a good likelihood that he would turn his back on his children/stop contact if you put your children against him or who ever woman she is with.