I am such a doormat

[Lenya]

I'm a fairly regular poster but namechanging for a number of reasons.

DP isn't a bad person, but the more time that goes on I can honestly say I'm getting more and more down.

This is probably true of a lots of DP/H's so I feel pathetic for even moaning about it really.

All this revolves around the fact he is a lazy sod, and makes me feel like Im being walked all over. He doesn't get out of bed until at least 2 on days where he doesn't work, and as soon as I get in from work, I have to take up looking after DD. I cook everything every night for him, wash up, tidy, clean. Last night I was cleaning the bathroom at 1am.

The more I write, the more I realise how unbelievably trivial this all is.

Im so sick of being the one person who holds it all together all the time. Its not a 'partnership' in any sense of the word. Even when I'm ill I have to look after DD, even if he's there.

There's no respite for me ever. Can't see when I'll actually ever have the time to have a bath in peace (or before 2am), go out for the afetrnoon (minus DD) etc

Sorry, long and rambling...not quite with it today

Why are you saying this is trivial? It sounds to me like major stuff - you're describing how your home life is and the fact that the two of you don't share responsibility for your daughter. You sound exhausted and depressed.
You also say you feel pathetic for moaning. But the situation sounds bloody awful.
Do you have difficulty asking for what you need from others?

I am truly exhasted - I also work 4 days a week.

I think I've always had difficulty asking other for help, and lord knows I've tried asking him in all kinds of ways to do a little more to help - every way from nicely to nagging, with everything in between.

He makes jokes when I say I'm tired. I thought I was going to cry through exhaustion last night while I was doing the washing up (12.30am)

How long have you been feeling like this?.
Why are you the one holding it all together?
Have you actually tried to address your concerns to him or has he shouted you down repeatedly or dismissed you so you don't say anything any more.

This is not trivial at all. I think you have been ground down for so long that you are now fully accepting of your lot, you've become conditioned to being a doormat. He will continue to treat you like this so long as you let him; you are his enabler.

You say that your partner is not a bad person but he comes across as completely and utterly idle. Why is he permitted to stay in bed that long?. Many men are not really like this at all but do pull their weight.

You are in a truly unhealthy relationship which won't do your DD any good to witness at all.

Why are you with someone like this if you are so unhappy?. He will just cause you more resentment not just to say emotional pain.

Presumably his Mother waited on him hand and foot, such idleness on men's part is often as a result of their own Mum fussing around them. He likely expects you to continue where she left off.

Leave the dishes and the cleaning tonight and sit your man down and tell him exactly how you are feeling. Not by nagging, hinting or anything in between but as adults.

You need to ask for help before you break.

I think I've been feeling like this since DD was born. I know I'm enabling it to a degree, but if I wasn't to do everything the house would be a shambles, and I know I wouldn't be able to live like that.

I can't be bothered anymore to try and get him out of bed earlier as he would be in a bad mood for a good couple of hours, and its not really worth the hassle.

Nowadays I don't bother to ask him to do anything really as I know it won't get done.

What really annoys me about this - the moer I type - the more I think I'm stupid for putting up with this. But any discussion about it would end up in a row, I know it.

He is a good father, and other than not being any help at all he is good to me. I could never leave

Lenya, I utterly agree that this is far from trivial. And I also agree lots of men are not a bit like this. I work four days a week - and split household stuff with DP. Occasionally one or the other of us has a lie-in at the weekends, but to be frank it's more often me than him .

And I also don't think a man who won't spend any time with his child, or look after her, is a good father at all, I have to say. Nor is he being good to you.

I feel awful about sounding so harsh to you, not him - you sound ground down and worn out and I'm not a bit surprised. But I can't get over how appalling he is

Now then.

What the bloody hell are you playing at, washing up, at gone midnight?

The words are "It's your turn to do the pots tonight, dear."

Then Don't do them. If he hasn't done them at teatime next day, don't cook tea. If he hasn't done them after 3 days and they go mouldy, put them in the bin and tell him he has to buy more. Take your daughter out to eat.

You need that row, Lenya. By not complaining, you are condoning.

Why are you doing it? Are y7ou scrubbing away, secretly hoping he will notice and exclaim "Darling! You shouldn't be doing that! Let me!"

He won't. Trust me. He hasn't done it yet, he's not going to.

Housework is not work becoming ill over. When you are exhausted, you leave yourself open to all sorts of health nasties. You think anyone ever laid on their deathbed and thought 'Oh my, my one regret is that I should have done more housework!'?

Cle4aning the bathroom at 1am? Why? Nobody's bathroom is that dirty. Nobody's.

STOP COOKING HIS SUPPER. DON'T DO HIS WASHING. He's an adult.

Lenya, you realise you basically wrote "Other than being a complete shit he's fabulous"

"He is a good father, and other than not being any help at all he is good to me. I could never leave"

Oh Lenya, the above comment is so fatuous it breaks my heart.

So you thus condemn your own self to a life of drudgery to someone completely bone idle. He has you well under his thumb doesn't he?.

You're afraid to leave aren't you?. Understandable but why live a life of misery?. Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

What are you teaching your daughter, you are teaching her as she gets older that this behaviour shown by her Dad towards her Mum is okay. How would you feel if she ended up with someone like your partner?.

He's a good father you say - it never fails to amaze me how many women in abusive relationships come out with that remark. He is patently not a good father; he does nothing to help either you or her for a start.

How else is he good to you?. He's not working every day and thus not providing every day. He expects you to do it all. At what cost ultimately to you?. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

Listen to the wise words on this thread. You have to stop 'doing' for him - have that row. Have lots of rows, actually, until he sorts it out.

Write a list if you want - e.g. over the last two days, this is what I have done

1. for you
2. to keep the house running
3. for dd

And this is what you have done -

He is an adult, a husband and a father - it's not just about him.

Ladies - you are all saying exactly what I would be saying to someone else had they posted this

My mistake has been carrying on like this for so long - Colditz in my heart of hearts I do hope that one day he'll say that lol But not holding my breath. I would loev to have it out with him but I don't have the energy at the moment. And I know I'll just end up crying, and then apologising to him afterwards.

I had to clean the abthroom - it was driving me nuts so I do bring these things on myself.

This is why I am a doormat - in every other bit of my life I'm known as being a ballsy kinda girl, and this is why I feel so stupid.

It's really helping getting this all out BTW. No-one in real life knows about all of this as I cover for him quite a lot

Attila - he does work, its just on the days he has off he gets up late.

I don't want to leave him - I suppose I'm trying to think of strategies to get him more involved with the running of the house etc etc. I don't think this is an abusive relationship in any way. Just that he is bone idle and cannot see it. When he is around he is great with DD - just doesn't take any responsibility with the millions of things that do need doing around the house, and day to day.

I like the list idea Doggies - but that would cause a huge huge row if he were to see it

You know it's not hard to split the chores. One night one person does the cooking, the other washes up. The next time, the opposite way round. Then one person tidies up, cleans the kitchen and bathroom and dusts once a week and the other hoovers and washes the floors - the next week the opposite way around (you might have different standards but I"m sure you get the idea).

Equally splitting the household chores is only fair if you are both working. He's just so recalcitrant he won't do it. At the moment you are basically his slave - you are doing all this work for him for nothing in return.

I agree with everybody else that you should go on strike. Stop cooking and washing for him and anything else you do.

I'm also not really getting how he's a good father when he's grinding you down and making you miserable and exhausted. Kids do better with happy energetic parents who support one another and both make a contribution.

Actually I think forcing someone else to do all the chores is pretty abusive.

What is heartnening (and Iin a way v depressing) is that everyone seems to think this isn't on. Makes me feel less crap for thinking my moaning was trivial, but that it's not like this for lots of others

Lenya, you are avoiding every strategy with the response "It would cause a huge row"

Now you need to accept this.

ANYTHING you do to make him do more housework IS GOING TO CAUSE A HUGE ROW. He doesn't want to do it. If he did want to do it, he would already be doing it. Your task is to make him do something he doesn't want to do. THERE WILL BE A ROW.

But a row is not the end of the world, and is not a good enough reason to live like Cinderella.

I relaly think abusive is a strong term here - he isn't forcing me to do them, but he won't do them. I cannnot live in squalor .

Moan moan whinge whinge. Boring myself now. I really should think of how much worse it could be

"All this revolves around the fact he is a lazy sod, and makes me feel like Im being walked all over. He doesn't get out of bed until at least 2 on days where he doesn't work, and as soon as I get in from work, I have to take up looking after DD. I cook everything every night for him, wash up, tidy, clean. Last night I was cleaning the bathroom at 1am".

Who wrote the above - you.

He does nothing for you or your daughter. What exactly does he do on his days off, apart from lying in bed till at least 2pm.

You are being walked all over and you allow him to do this to you. I would call this abusive because he knows full well what he is doing to do, makes no effort to change his ways and shows you no respect whatsoever. You can't have it out with him because you are too conditioned and downtrodden; also he will have the last word. Saying that you'll end up crying and apologising afterwards(for what exactly, for bringing up the subject to start with?) is indicative of him doing that.

The list would cause a huge row because you would then show him in black and white what little he actually does. He'd probably rip up the list. Stop making excuses for him, that also enables him.

Er, well, if he refuses to do stuff that has to be done, I think that's effectively forcing you to do it.

Colditz, you are right I supose I'm just trying to avoid it, but otherwise this will carry on, and on, and on

think this through. It will give you the courage of your convictions.

What is the worst thing that can happen if you raise this subject?
What is the worst thing that will happen if you don't?

Attila - this is exactly why Im rubbish. I'll start wondering why I put up with this and then start making excuses (like I said earlier, I cover for him a lot).

The worst thing if I raise the subject - big row, shouting etc. He will then strat doing the washing up (or whatever) with much clattering to prove a point. He'll carry on for a few days like this and then be back to where we were.

If I don'traise the subect we carry on as we are.

Win win