I am such a doormat

[Lenya]

I'm a fairly regular poster but namechanging for a number of reasons.

DP isn't a bad person, but the more time that goes on I can honestly say I'm getting more and more down.

This is probably true of a lots of DP/H's so I feel pathetic for even moaning about it really.

All this revolves around the fact he is a lazy sod, and makes me feel like Im being walked all over. He doesn't get out of bed until at least 2 on days where he doesn't work, and as soon as I get in from work, I have to take up looking after DD. I cook everything every night for him, wash up, tidy, clean. Last night I was cleaning the bathroom at 1am.

The more I write, the more I realise how unbelievably trivial this all is.

Im so sick of being the one person who holds it all together all the time. Its not a 'partnership' in any sense of the word. Even when I'm ill I have to look after DD, even if he's there.

There's no respite for me ever. Can't see when I'll actually ever have the time to have a bath in peace (or before 2am), go out for the afetrnoon (minus DD) etc

Sorry, long and rambling...not quite with it today

Well, when he goes back to the way it was, have that row again. Immediately. let him KNOW it's not on. Threaten to make posters with his face on detailing how he has infantilised himself to the point that he has as much selfresponsibility as a 6 year old boy. Do something!

Just to say - I don't think his idleness applies to just housework. I don't want it to seem like I'm moaning that I have to 'keep house' We never go out with DD together, or spend any real time together

I need to sort this out before I lose myself

Many women in abusive situations do cover for their partner. Also their partner to the outside world seems to be a wonderful human being, it is only when that person is at home behind closed doors that their real persona emerges.

Stand up for yourself and confront him, you patently do not have to be a doormat for him for him to wipe his feet on.

I agree fully with Colditz's comments.

I understand that you don't want people to know that you put up with this crap. I understand that you don't want people to think you are one of those women. I understand that you are worried that if you challenge the situation, it will get worse. I understand that if he walks in all butterfaced you won't want to start a row.

But really, he started the row, by treating you like he pays you.

You also never go out as a couple or with your daughter, why does that not surprise me?. Yet another strand of his idleness emerges.

Who shouts? Him or you? I guess it's him.

Have you thought of any tactics to use when he gets angry, like keeping a low tone, repeating what you expect of him, walking out if he gets abusive but promising to come back to it when he calms down?

He's using the row as a diversionary tactic in order not to change. Why does he get huffy when he's asked to do the dishes? Does he think he's above that sort of thing? What does it say about your attitude to you that he expects you to do it then? Aren't you above it as well?

I think part of the problem here is that you don't have the courage of your convictions. You're understandably hurting and upset that you're being exploited in this way, but from what I'm hearing you still think at some level that it's unreasonable to ask him to do his fair share. Not having a go, just making an observation. Do you know why you might not really be convinced that as an adult member of your family he shouldn't undertake his fair share of the work?

I reckon once you really mean it about getting him to pull his weight either it will happen quite easily (or at least you will find it easy to insist) or something about your marriage may be revealed that you hadn't realised before (just speculation of course, please take it with the pinch of salt it probably deserves).

Elizabeth - I definately tried all the tactics - low tone etc etc. Doesn't work

And I totally see what you're saying - don't worry baout offending me :D

I hate rows and confrontation too - but I think Custy is absolutely right. This is a row (probably several, being realistic) that you will have to have.

He has to know that you mean it - and that you will go on meaning it.

He has ground you down to such a position that you are now stopping yourself from changing.

Please don't go on like this - it is demeaning for you never mind what it is teaching your daughter.

Just don't want to make you feel worse when you're already feeling bad.

You are not making too much of a fuss about this. Your time and energy are precious.

Oh honestly - you're not making me feel worse at all! It's helping to a degree, as I know what I'm realistically going to have to do to make things change.

you need to tell him that you're not a live in slave.leave him with dd for the day or evening and let him take control of being the adult.

The more I think about this the more I know this is never going to change.

I've just been running through different scenarios, like having the same row over and over, to make him realise how this afftects me and I've remembered that this is what's been happaning for a long time now.

It's never going to change. I just wish something outside of my control would make him understand this isn't how real men/fathers/husbands behave.

Ive tried going out and leaving him to it, but returned to even more mess, things not done and god knows what else.

I think my best course of action is to rememebr that things could be worse and that if the most I've got to worry about is him not pulling his weight then I should really find other things to really moan about

"I think my best course of action is to rememebr that things could be worse and that if the most I've got to worry about is him not pulling his weight then I should really find other things to really moan about"

Er Lenya, how could things be any worse at home?. Your life will only get worse under his diktat and you will find it ever more increasingly difficult to walk away. You're not spending any real time together and am not spending any time together with your daughter. You are not thinking clearly because you have been conditioned to accept this as your lot and have been ground down by him. You sound like you've completely given up on your self. Where is that otherwise confident woman?.

This does not only affect you; your daughter is affected too. What are you teaching her about relationships?. That its okay to put up with an idle manchild?.

You wrote earlier that you knew what you had to do to make things change. Expand on this.

I would suggest you speak to someone in confidence re this matter even if you just make a phone call to Relate or Womens Aid.

BTW what's his Mother like re him?.

Oh well, what's an occasdional slap in the grand scheme of things then? If that's all you've got to worry about?

What about a broken nose? Constant stream of verbal abuse? Threatening violence? Ignoring children to the point where you do everything because somebody has to?

Where do you draw the line? Because I'll say this, I would rather take an occasional slap that be as beaten down as you sound today.

"I think my best course of action is to rememebr that things could be worse and that if the most I've got to worry about is him not pulling his weight then I should really find other things to really moan about"

Would you accept that your daughter should live her life this way? Should I? Should anyone? Why should you?

I was thinking that if I tried talking to him, and then escalated it to being more forceful, he might get my point. I just don't have the energy to deal with the inevitable rows it'll cause. And for it to keep happening again and again as it has done in the past

The confirdent me is telling me to stop moaning and deal with this. The real life me doesn't have time or energy to make him change his ways.

I suppose the irony is is that I don't have time or energy becasue he's the way he is.

His relationship with his mother is a weird one, but I suppose she did do a lot of runnning around after him. His parents are quite old fashioned too - very much 50's stereotypical 'husband and wife' - -she cleans he builds/fixes stuff

Colditz - he is in no way verbally or physically abusive, and would never be. Lazy sod he might be but abusive no (sorry just wanted to make that very very clear)

Lenya, please do something - you sound like you have very low self esteem and you cannot let this get worse. Why are you making excuses for this man's behaviour. The other posters are unanimous - his behaviour is not fair and it's not to be tollerated. Your DP likes you downtrodden because it suits him pefectly. You are in a passive abusive relationship and you have to confront this with him. If he is too lazy to help you, then he has to pay for the help - a cleaner, baby sitter once a week so you can go out.

Lenya, I really feel for you. You sound soooo like my mum, who used to cry to me and say the same things. She brought up three DCs, held down a full time professional job and had absolutely no self esteem whatsoever and every single domestic responsibility fell to her. She cooked, cleaned and did EVERY last bit of housework for my dad who lapped it up and was utterly bone idle. He did NOTHING for us ever - to the extent that when my mother was rushed into hospital with kidney stones when I was 13, he shouted at me until I ironed a shirt for him because he refused to pick up an iron. I am 32 and I never once saw my dad cook anything except the occasional fry up (which he made for himself, not for us) and left the dishes for my mum to wash up. My mum was so tired she
ended up suffering from depression. Please don't let this continue and make excuses for him.

Lenya I think you are wrong though - he is abusive. Psychologically/passively, however you want to put it. There are many different kinds of abuse.

you said that he makes jokes when you try to talk to him about how tired you are - psychological abuse in my book.

Also, effectively forcing you to do all the housework is abusive.

He doesn't do those things, no, but you do everything he wants you to or doesn't want to do himself. You never defy him, why would he get cross?

Where do you draw that line? And how would you feel if your daughter, in 20 years time, thinks it's ok to be treated the exact same way as you are being treated now? Would you want her to scrub herself into exhaustion through lack of marital support? Would you tell her to count her blessings that he's not worse than he is?

She will be, if you don't start setting a better example.

I harte to be awful to you, God knows you're awful enough to yourself, but come one REALITY CHECK HERE. You are the only person defending his actions here. YOu would be the only person here defending his actions if you were the man and he was the woman. It's not because we're all women, it's because he's wrong!

Do you ever stay in bed until 2pm? I'm guessing he 'doesn't hear her' when your daughter wants to get up, despite having perfect hearing at other times. Why not?

Lenya, where have you learned that you must tolerate being exploited? Who gave you this message? Did your Mum wait on your Dad?

What would happen if you stopped doing anything for him? You can still run the house, take care of your DD, but stop washing, cooking and ironing for him.

He has sapped your energy but the will to survive is stronger. Listen to that part of you and it will give you the energy to get through this.

GG - your poor mum

Unfortunately we have absoluetly no spare cash to pay for cleaner etc. I really would but we are practically on the breadline as it is.

I truly belive abuse is too much of a strong word in this situation, but I understand why others might see it that way.

It's the thought of the same thing happning forever that is brining me down.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings ladies though

Colditz - I would wring his neck if DD eneded up like me

This is so why I feel like a doormat. I wouldn't dream of seeing anyone else in this position, but quite happy to let meself go through it. Anything for an 'easy' life

And no, I don't rememeber the last time I stayed in bed till 2pm - even when I had flu about a year ago I was up at 8am

I think my mum (who I've spoken to about this actually) has reinforced these ideas to me. She's not very sympathetic as she also can't see what the problem is if 'thats the way he is' (her words). That I should just get on and live how I have to

Everyone has written wise words to you - you need to take heed and not keep rolling over for a so called "easy life". He knows you will roll over every time; he doesn't even have to shout at you does he. He knows how to keep you in line.

You don't need a cleaner; he needs to get his act together. He has it made with someone like you to do every task for him short of wiping his bottom.

You need to get yourself out of this mindset that you are in because if you don't your daughter could well go onto have the same sort of abusive existance heaped upon her. She won't thank you and you will be full of guilt for not addressing the unacceptable years ago.

You don't like that word abusive but this is an abusive situation you are in unpalatable as that is to you.