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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister not allowing my dd to come home

63 replies

Alfiemoon1 · 28/08/2020 12:55

I’ve posted before about my dsi and dm being abusive towards me over the years dsi has been financially abusive and is over bearing and I suppose controlling but hides it well under the guise of being kind or having people’s best interest at heart

To cut along story short due to lockdown dd 19 came home from university and was hard work and started self harming after a row where I expressed my concerns she left and moved in with dsi. Dd has finally sort help has been diagnosed with depression is on medication and is having counselling the counsellor has identified dsi behaviour as coercive and controlling dd can now see dsi has been subtlety poisoning her mind against me and dh

We have sorted everything out dd is unhappy at dsi and wants to come home but dsi is guilt tripping her and even restricting the time she comes here

Dd is like me doesn’t like confrontation you can never win with dsi she is always right and everything has to be her way. I am extremely upset at how dsi is treating dd and the fact she isn’t encouraging her to come home I just don’t know how to confront things as every single time I end up being the bad person if I discuss it face to face calmly I have verbally abused her if I write a letter or text I send abusive messages It me having a wobbler
I can’t go totally no contact as dc and dh don’t despite knowing what dsi is like she always wins them round and basically they won’t stand up to her

Do I let dd sort this ? Do I say something and risk it being twisted and used against me potentially to dd do I let dh have a word although he’s fuming he is easily manipulated by dsi

They are my family I want to get on with them dm is elderly dsi health is poor but I need them to respect my boundaries and back off

OP posts:
tribpot · 28/08/2020 13:01

Personally I would just go and get your dd and bring her home. Your sister can have a row if she wants to, that's up to her. Don't put anything in writing. But the key thing is not to care if she uses whatever you do to paint you as the villain. If she upsets your mum, that's on her.

The only thing you and your dd can do to change this situation is stand up to her. She is never going to come around. You can't have everything you want - an apparently harmonious relationship with your wider family and your boundaries being respected. Your sister has chosen not to allow that. So now you can choose what you want.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 28/08/2020 13:10

If your daughter wants to come home then go and collect her. Wait outside in the car and then if it kicks off you can't be accused of going there wanting to cause trouble.

picosdeeuropa · 28/08/2020 13:14

Time for you to do what's right by your DD and go and bring her home. Your allowing your relationship with your sister to impact and doing what is right by your DD, your DD is depressed and vulnerable. Support your DD as she can't do this on her own

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 28/08/2020 13:16

Dd has her own car I’ve told her to just leave and come home but she doesn’t want the grief off dsi or to upset her as she was grateful to be able to stay there when she wanted some space from home it was never meant to be a permanent thing though

OP posts:
Moondust001 · 28/08/2020 13:24

Sorry, but your daughter is a 19 year old adult, and you are an adult too. Nobody can prevent either of you doing what you want. She has a car and car keys. She walks out of the door, gets in the car, drives t yours. End of story. There is no need for drama or discussion unless you let it happen. And the same thing goes for your dh. People live in dramas because they let dramas happen.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 28/08/2020 13:36

What Moondust001 said.

NancyPickford · 28/08/2020 13:50

Moondust001 has it.

User04727680092 · 28/08/2020 14:13

DD can come for a visit surely? And then it may well be that once at yours, she decides to delay the return to your sister's place...

rorosemary · 28/08/2020 14:43

You'd seriously rather not see each other that upset your sister? That's bonkers.

rorosemary · 28/08/2020 14:44

Usectgerapy to start learning confrontation and setting boundaries. If uour sister bliws up that's her problem. Just walk away or hang up the phone. What's the worst that can happen?

rorosemary · 28/08/2020 14:44

*use therapy

canyoucallbacklater · 28/08/2020 14:44

I was about to ask if your sister had custody until I saw she was nineteen.

Get in the car and go and bring her home. No drama; no upset. Text her and tell her to pack, knock on the door, thank your sister, take her home.

Your child needs you; fuck a family upset. You're both adults, you can do what you want.

Mix56 · 28/08/2020 14:50

Why exactly do you want to remain on good terms with this manipulative woman ? Has she any of her own DC ?
Your DD can say, "I'm going home now/later/tomorrow, Thank you so much for your support when I was unwell. I miss my family. I'll see you soon".
There is nothing she can say, when your DD repeats, "I want to go home" rinse & repeat.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 28/08/2020 14:54

Maybe I haven’t worded it well dd isn’t physically lock in

Dsi has imposed all sorts of ridiculous rules dd can only go out if she is told about it in advance she can only go out a certain number of times per week as that’s what’s best for her mental health dd came round last night had a bath and we watched tv that’s classed as one of her nights out apparently she was back at dsi by 9.30 pm

Dd has mentioned moving back home dsi is making her feel bad saying after everything I’ve done for you and and how ungrateful dd is how hurt and used she feels and if you move back don’t think you can come to stay again if you start arguing

Dd will be moving to university again soon so my post was also about getting dsi to butt out she’s already giving dd a hard time as she plans to come home at weekends to work but dsi doesn’t want her to do that so Is lecturing her already

OP posts:
kidsdrivingmemad · 28/08/2020 14:56

Ffs your both adults go and help her get her things and leave. So what if she guilt trips you she'll be out of there within a few minutes.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 28/08/2020 14:57

Cross posts no dsi doesn’t have custody never has dd went there temporarily after we had a row

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/08/2020 14:58

You and DH go around with flowers. You thank DSIS for having DD stay but she's coming home now for some quality family time before uni starts.

Help DD pack her stuff up...

NameChange84 · 28/08/2020 15:00

Why are you calling her your “dear” sister? Sounds anything but!

Just pick your daughter up. This is a seriously weird set up. You are all adults. You can all go and live wherever you want.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 28/08/2020 15:05

No she doesn’t have dc of her own which is why I think she has got so involved with mine she has spoilt them tried to buy their affection despite not being able to afford it dm then foots the bill but dsi takes the credit for it

OP posts:
jewel1968 · 28/08/2020 15:06

You cannot change you ds behaviour. You can only change your own. Same for your DD. If your DD can't bring herself to do what she wants and what she knows is best for her she needs to work on that with her therapist. You probably need to go no contact with your dsi so explore that.

Suggest you meet DD in a cafe and discuss options and strategies.

romeolovedjulliet · 28/08/2020 15:07

i thought there dd had sn and that's why she won't leave. adults need to make their own decisions, it doesn't matter what your bat shit sister wants. if she wants to cut you off as a result of standing up to her, then she has done you and dd a massive favour.

Original poster
Alfiemoon1 · 28/08/2020 15:15

No dd doesn’t have sn but has recently been diagnosed with depression
Dsi doesn’t particularly contact me and vice versa she will however contact dc and dh who will respond so it’s difficult to go totally no contact

OP posts:
DolphinsAndNemesis · 28/08/2020 15:31

@Moondust001

Sorry, but your daughter is a 19 year old adult, and you are an adult too. Nobody can prevent either of you doing what you want. She has a car and car keys. She walks out of the door, gets in the car, drives t yours. End of story. There is no need for drama or discussion unless you let it happen. And the same thing goes for your dh. People live in dramas because they let dramas happen.
Exactly this. Your daughter is an adult, she can choose to leave at any time she likes. End of story, end of drama.
RandomMess · 28/08/2020 15:33

Sorry but the DD has been subjected to years of emotional manipulation by her aunt, she is actually scared of doing anything that her aunt hasn't agreed to.

If she was living with a boyfriend behaving like that would you all say the same?

VimFuego101 · 28/08/2020 16:05

@Moondust001

Sorry, but your daughter is a 19 year old adult, and you are an adult too. Nobody can prevent either of you doing what you want. She has a car and car keys. She walks out of the door, gets in the car, drives t yours. End of story. There is no need for drama or discussion unless you let it happen. And the same thing goes for your dh. People live in dramas because they let dramas happen.
This! Your DD is an adult. Have you considered that maybe she's playing you and your sister off against each other?