Sister not allowing my dd to come home

[Alfiemoon1]

I’ve posted before about my dsi and dm being abusive towards me over the years dsi has been financially abusive and is over bearing and I suppose controlling but hides it well under the guise of being kind or having people’s best interest at heart

To cut along story short due to lockdown dd 19 came home from university and was hard work and started self harming after a row where I expressed my concerns she left and moved in with dsi. Dd has finally sort help has been diagnosed with depression is on medication and is having counselling the counsellor has identified dsi behaviour as coercive and controlling dd can now see dsi has been subtlety poisoning her mind against me and dh

We have sorted everything out dd is unhappy at dsi and wants to come home but dsi is guilt tripping her and even restricting the time she comes here

Dd is like me doesn’t like confrontation you can never win with dsi she is always right and everything has to be her way. I am extremely upset at how dsi is treating dd and the fact she isn’t encouraging her to come home I just don’t know how to confront things as every single time I end up being the bad person if I discuss it face to face calmly I have verbally abused her if I write a letter or text I send abusive messages It me having a wobbler
I can’t go totally no contact as dc and dh don’t despite knowing what dsi is like she always wins them round and basically they won’t stand up to her

Do I let dd sort this ? Do I say something and risk it being twisted and used against me potentially to dd do I let dh have a word although he’s fuming he is easily manipulated by dsi

They are my family I want to get on with them dm is elderly dsi health is poor but I need them to respect my boundaries and back off

She’s moving back home on Sunday she been round again tonight despite dsi making digs

She’s is going to give dsi flowers and thank her she has been working with her counsellor on being more assertive

Dd has mentioned to dsi that she has discussed moving home with her counsellor and had sarky comments hope it lasts longer than last time??? She was here 19 years? Hope it works out well but with a tone in her voice

I know dsi will miss her she lives alone and seems to crave company always organising bbqs and people coming round

Dd has only been on meds and in counselling a few weeks but the change in her is incredible she is back to being positive pleasant to be around less moody her counsellor was full of compliments about her and said she could be her assistant as dd is studying psychology and wants to be a counsellor

She coming back round tomorrow after work and moving back in Sunday on her day off

Sorry, but your daughter is a 19 year old adult, and you are an adult too. Nobody can prevent either of you doing what you want.

So why do domestic abuse victims take the abuse over and over again?

Manipulation and coercion keep people right where the manipulators want.

They prey on vulnerable weaker people....hence this situation has become what it is. 19 is legally an adult...but its a young age and an older more experienced person can easily manipulate them.

Can't your DH and you both go over there?

You need to think of a reason to get her home if that's what she truly wants.

She’s coming home because she wants to on Sunday and will be hopefully leaving dsi on good terms with the flowers

Seriously, you need to get your dh on board. He gives in to your sister when you’ve already decided something different? I’m sorry, but what kind of pushover is he?! I’d be bloody furious with my dh if he did that and he’d be prepped to say ‘I”ll check with my wife first’ before randomly agreeing to eg Christmas with her. She’s getting away with her manipulative behaviour.

Lovely to hear your daughters coming home.

I am sorry that your DD was so unwell and pleased to hear that she is making progress and has decided to come home. Do you know the root of her depression - is it response to a single event or is there a longer term issue?

Are you confident that all will be good at home when she returns and she will be fit mentally to return to uni?

Have you thought of seeking support for yourself as it seems you are struggling with long term issues with your DM and

Are you able reflect on what boundaries you would like with your DM and DSis and are you able to put them in place?

As PP have said your biggest bind is giving a shit about being cast as the bad guy - your DSis sounds a loon why would anyone care how she painted you? Who are these people specifically who she would bad mouth you to?

What was the source of the row with your DD and is this now resolved?

Have you given your daughter a clear message? I love you and want you here. It was good of sis to have you but these things she’s saying are very unkind. What did she think - you’d stay there forever and be her baby? Madness, you can’t let someone like that dictate your life and sometimes you have to say things that feel rude when people are being a bit unhinged. That’s on them not you.
Where’s your counselling for assertiveness?? You could do with it!

You need to show your daughter that she's important and will come first especially as she's not been that well. What is the benefit of remaining such close contact with a woman who abuses you? She's abusing you now, she'll abuse you when dd comes home so go and get your child!

Is your DD back home today?

@Alfiemoon1

She’s coming home because she wants to on Sunday and will be hopefully leaving dsi on good terms with the flowers

is she home OP?

Yes she’s moved back home

Next stage is making sure DH blocks her and DS is not sucked in, in future battles (which there will be). I suspect she may be jealous of your life and family. Have a family briefing about sticking together and not being manipulated and divided. Show them this thread. Well done for overcoming this first hurdle. Her guns are aimed squarely at you. Stand together and stand firm