Sister not allowing my dd to come home

[Alfiemoon1]

I’ve posted before about my dsi and dm being abusive towards me over the years dsi has been financially abusive and is over bearing and I suppose controlling but hides it well under the guise of being kind or having people’s best interest at heart

To cut along story short due to lockdown dd 19 came home from university and was hard work and started self harming after a row where I expressed my concerns she left and moved in with dsi. Dd has finally sort help has been diagnosed with depression is on medication and is having counselling the counsellor has identified dsi behaviour as coercive and controlling dd can now see dsi has been subtlety poisoning her mind against me and dh

We have sorted everything out dd is unhappy at dsi and wants to come home but dsi is guilt tripping her and even restricting the time she comes here

Dd is like me doesn’t like confrontation you can never win with dsi she is always right and everything has to be her way. I am extremely upset at how dsi is treating dd and the fact she isn’t encouraging her to come home I just don’t know how to confront things as every single time I end up being the bad person if I discuss it face to face calmly I have verbally abused her if I write a letter or text I send abusive messages It me having a wobbler
I can’t go totally no contact as dc and dh don’t despite knowing what dsi is like she always wins them round and basically they won’t stand up to her

Do I let dd sort this ? Do I say something and risk it being twisted and used against me potentially to dd do I let dh have a word although he’s fuming he is easily manipulated by dsi

They are my family I want to get on with them dm is elderly dsi health is poor but I need them to respect my boundaries and back off

And I'm stealing the 'people live in dramas because they let dramas happen' for future use. So accurate.

No I don’t think she is playing us against each other

Jesus wept!

This is YOUR sister? Why is DH involved with her & shutting you out?

DD was at home, but went back to her Aunts?

There's a lot more to all of this, and we can't help unless you say what it is!

Dh isn’t shutting me out i will say for example we are having Christmas at home on our own she will text him and he kind of agrees to go to hers she does the same with dc if I then refuse I am the bad guy

Yes she was round last night she isn’t physically locked up at dsi she is being made to feel bad about wanting to come home

There are a zillion examples of how dsi and dm have behaved over the years but no other back story

Why is everyone so scared of your sister?

What will she say/do if your daughter returns home & stays there?

Don't answer/block her calls/texts if you can't deal with them/say no!

When dd mentioned coming back home dsi told her she was hurt by dd actions and that she felt used by her and how ungrateful she was. It was only meant to be temporary.

So dd says "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm very grateful you gave me a temporary place to stay when I needed it, but now i want to go home". Leaves some flowers as per the suggestion above and then she goes.

DH gets told not to agree things with your sister without checking with you first. If he does, he can go on his own.

You seem more concerned with being seen as the bad guy. That's how your sister is manipulating you. Just accept that that's how you will be seen and get on with your life. What's the worst that could happen, really.

"You and DH go around with flowers. You thank DSIS for having DD stay but she's coming home now for some quality family time before uni starts.

Help DD pack her stuff up..."

This sounds like a good way of cutting through the noise. It's wrong that your sister is now trying to prevent your daughter from returning but it is actually a good thing that your daughter felt able to go to your sister's and live with her for a bit. That suggests to me that there must be quite a lot that's good in the relationship even if your sister is being over-zealous now. And it must have been better for you to know that your daughter had gone to your sister's rather than sofa surfing at friends' or worse - perhaps on the streets or something.

@RandomMess's suggestion allows you to show appreciation to your sister who probably does deserve some credit, while also retrieving your daughter and allowing her to return home to you.

You are adults but she is YOUR CHILD!!!!!
You are allowing your fucking sister to control your DD and guilt trip her. Telling a 19yo she's only allowed out 3 times a week?! How the fuck is that improving her mental health.

Grow a bloody backbone, go get your DD and bring her home.

This is one of these situations that smacks of there being 2 (or 3) sides to every story. Has it crossed your mind that your daughter simply doesn't want to come home?

dd came round last night had a bath and we watched tv that’s classed as one of her nights out apparently she was back at dsi by 9.30 pm
So why did she leave? If she wanted to be at yours, why not just say to her "don't go and I'll deal with your aunt? Unless she wants to be there but doesn't want to admit it tooa you

What is a dsi?

If your DD comes to see you surely she can just stay and not go back? What would happen if she stayed?

Tell her to get in her car and come home. When she is home, she can call her aunt and thank her for having to her to stay but now she would like some time at home before going to university. If she doesn't want to phone, then you can do it. If she is upset your DD has left, well then she will get over it. You seem to let this woman do whatever she wants rather than stand up and say no to her. And now your DD is copying your behaviour. Learning to say no is an essential life skill. People may whine and pout when you say no, but the world will not end and they will get over it. Be an example your DD how to set healthy boundaries, so she doesn't spend her life doing what over people want her to do and putting her own wants last.

From everything you’ve said I’d be going NC or very very low contact.

She’s going to DH over you so then you’re the bad guy? Fuck that, you need to get him on side.

Tell DD to pack a bag and just leave when not so DS is in three shower/ bath/loo

Dsi is dear sister ds is dear son

no wonder the girl is depressed.
why didn't you tell her to stay when she was over the other evening.
she's not a prisoner on day release.
have you tried being more assertive, not aggressive.
are you all used to shouting and rowing.just keep calm, and clear.
imagine you are dealing with a tricky colleague. be fair but firm.
read up on assertive communication.
your daughter does not need her aunt's permission to leave.
you need to encourage her to take control of her own life. good luck.

Could it be your DD is using upsetting your sis as an excuse not to come home? She's 19 and has a car. If she wants to leave she can. Unless she's in a cult

Has she taken to wearing orange and banging a tambourine?

I know this is harsh but you need to stop letting this woman take control.
Text your daughter to pack her stuff and tell her the time you are picking her up & not to say a word
Go with your DH & Call your DD when you are outside, Knock on the door and tell your sister you’ve come to pick her up. Don’t get into an argument- just don’t interact
Get into the car with your DD or just take her in your car and come back later for DDs
Instruct your DS & DH to block her no and if she manages to get in contact to not reply. Same to your daughter

You need to stand firm and strong
You daughters life - yes let fe depends on it.

Hand on, u tell sister you're not spending Christmas with her so she calls your husband and he says he grew going, so he basically chooses her over you?

You really need some therapy or something op, learn to attend up for yourself and what's good for you and maybe you'll be a better advocate and example for your kids

You, your DH and your DD need to grow a fucking backbone

You need to go non contact with your sister and get therapy for yourself and your DD. Boundary setting.

stand up for your daughter. go round with your partner and get your daughter home.
no warnings, just go get her.

she might be an adult, but sometimes we need our mums to have our backs properly!

get her. TONIGHT.

Dd is like me doesn’t like confrontation

Please try and change/encourage her to change this as much as you can. It's led to my letting a lot of people talk to me any which way and use me, all sort of things. If you can encourage you to tell your sis she's leaving and coming back to yours, that'd be a good start. Of course, if she doesn't want to leave/won't, that's up to her.