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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Red flags or me being horribly critical?

72 replies

MagnetBars · 27/08/2020 10:36

Ive had good relationships in the past but after an awful one last year with heaps of emotional abuse, I’m on edge all the time with new people!

Started dating someone who cannot do enough for me. We get on well and have a laugh. But he’s always in contact... what every girl wants really isn’t it so maybe I am being harsh. But it’s all the time and I have said it’s ok not to text me so much, can we dial it back and he does, but then it starts again. I’m a big texter too so this isn’t a huge issue but it makes things feel full on quite early. Sometimes I don’t reply and he will say he is worried about me. Not asking for advice on how to deal with this as I know how to but just listing it as it might be relevant to the other things.

If I can’t make a date he will be upset for a minute and then say it’s ok. He’s never angry but it’s clear he isn’t happy about it and I’ve hurt him. I think he wants me to be as keen as he is and I’m just not at that point yet but I do like him.

I still had tinder installed on my phone after 3 months...I didn’t even think to delete it. One time he came back from the toilets in a restaurant and I was on my phone while he was gone, and he saw as he walked back to the table. He then went cold on me and later said he knew I was texting other people and why did I have tinder on my phone still. Fair point I guess but there was nothing in it I just hadn’t deleted it.

One time we drove to an event and I was giving directions from my phone. He took a wrong turn or I had misjudged which exit the map was saying to turn and he suddenly shouted and got cross. I also heard him shouting at his brothers dog really angrily when the dog was staying at his house.

He’s made the odd comment about where I live compared with where he lives (he lives in a nicer area), which I thought quite rude.

But aside from this he is totally there for me all the time and we have loads in common, he’s good fun and will do anything to make me happy, if i mention somewhere I would like to go or w film I would like to see he will do what he can to organise it and always makes time for me outside his very busy job. He would juggle it to make the relationship work and that says a great deal about him, he really does want to put the time in.

That list should be read alongside the fact he’s hardworking and caring and doesn’t go off drinking or ignore my calls or be emotionally abusive. My feeling is I just don’t feel the same way yet about him and if I did then things would settle down? It’s only been 3 months though and I just want more time to take it slower, which I’ve said but then he says ‘it isn’t going anywhere if you don’t want to go on holiday after 3 months with someone..’ and I know it’s just because he likes me so much which is lovely but then is this how someone behaves when they love you or is this just a sudden lust and neediness from him? I’m so confused!

OP posts:

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/08/2020 10:39

Na, I think I would quite while your ahead. I would say a few of them are red flags.

wannabebump · 27/08/2020 10:42

There's a few warnings in there that I would read into and 3 months is still early and it sounds like it could be quite intense. I know you say you're not there yet with feeling how he does, but do you see yourself getting there? If not, it's maybe time to cool it off x

category12 · 27/08/2020 10:43

You've got quite a few red flags there - too much too soon, pushing forward when you're not ready, paying lip-service to giving you more space but unable to maintain it, flashes of temper, flashes of jealousy/possessiveness, emotional blackmail of it's not going anyway if you don't rush ahead on his schedule...

I'd be concerned that he's love-bombing you. If it's too good to be true, it usually isn't.

category12 · 27/08/2020 10:44

^ anywhere not anyway

Sexnotgender · 27/08/2020 10:44

Anyone who shouts angrily at an animal would get the boot.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 27/08/2020 10:48

If you were chatting to other potential dates while on a date with him, I can see why he’s pissed off about that. Yes 3 months is quite early days, but if I’d nipped to the loo on a date and came back to find DP swiping on Tinder while I was there, I’d have found that very rude (and he wouldn’t have got to be DP!)

As for the contact etc, people just have different levels that they’re comfortable with. On its own I don’t think it’s an issue of one of your texts more often than the other or that he can’t stick to a reduced pattern of communication if that’s not his style.

But tbh it sounds like maybe you need to take a break from dating for a while so that you can recover from last year and be in a better place to judge someone’s character.

TwentyViginti · 27/08/2020 10:51

RED FLAGS. He will soon become controlling imo. The tantrums don't bode well. Shouting angrily at an animal is a no no for me.

The comment about where you live? He wants control of that, too.

Daisydoesnt · 27/08/2020 10:52

Anyone who shouts angrily at an animal would get the boot

He's got a problem with his temper if he's suddenly shouting at you for getting a map direction wrong, when you're still in the honeymoon phase! This is him on his best behaviour don't forget. But showing temper to an animal would be the absolute final straw. This is his character. Not someone you want to be with.

Bananalanacake · 27/08/2020 10:57

Don't let him move in with you.

TwentyViginti · 27/08/2020 10:57

If you do decide to end it, please do it safely - via text is best, as these types don't take rejection well. You don't want to be subject to abuse or him begging, pleading and then the suicide threats.

TwentyViginti · 27/08/2020 10:58

@Bananalanacake

Don't let him move in with you.

Absolutely this!

NastyBlouse · 27/08/2020 10:58

Not cynical IMO. You say he isn't being emotionally abusive, but in a way he is being IMO. All that passive-aggressive pouting and mood tyranny (acting all cold and distant so you then feel like you have to make the effort to 'repair the mood'), not to mention the shouting. I grew up with a father who did this kind of thing. It's manipulative, at the very least.

I feel like your instincts are right here. The fact that you've even made a list of the negatives is a sign that your subconscious mind isn't happy. People can be nice, thoughtful, hardworking and caring and all the rest of it 99% of the time but if something else shows itself during key moments of everyday life pressure I'd be taking notice and a dim view of that.

Shoxfordian · 27/08/2020 11:03

Lots of red flags
Dump him

Bunnymumy · 27/08/2020 11:04

Literally 2 paragraphs in and in going - ruuuuuun!

The over contact is a huge red flag for a narcissist. As is when you ask them to chill, them dialling it back briefly but then starting up again.

As is pushing for closeness too fast. As is telling you your feelings are wrong (because you arent totally smitten yet and how dare you not be).

Very very big red flags here op. Ditch. Fast.

Inching · 27/08/2020 11:05

I think he sounds awful.

dublingirl66 · 27/08/2020 11:06

Run run run

Reminds me so much of my abusive ex
Ughhh

He's horrid sorry

AntiHop · 27/08/2020 11:07

It sounds like you're not compatible.

Lugubelenus · 27/08/2020 11:12

It's a form of love bombing.

I had a boyfriend once who used to text me constantly and if I didn't reply, would then phone me and leave distraught voicemails pleading with me to tell him I was okay because he was worried. He was also subtly controlling at first - he said I looked prettier without make-up, he didn't like varnished nails, he feigned concern about my feet when wearing heels, he didn't like my friends. It took me 18 months to realise that he was a wrong 'un and it ended after he clobbered me over the head with a pewter tankard after I'd been out for a drink with some colleagues.

Run for the hills.

SoulofanAggron · 27/08/2020 11:36

I would say he sounds far to heavy and the time he accused you of texting other people was a warning sign, as are his rude comments and temper.

SpaceOP · 27/08/2020 11:43

Ultimately, he wants to be with you all the time and you don't. So your'e not compatible. The hesitation when you cancel something pushed up a big flag - for some women, socialised to please people (men especially), that would immediately lead to endless apologies and efforts to make it up. I suspect he's had that response before and is expecting it from you, even if it's not conscious.

This guy wants more than you give and doesn't seem interested in respecting your boundaries so personally I'd let it go.

fuandylp · 27/08/2020 11:49

Dump.

This is not what a relationship should look like 3 months in.

PopPopPopPopPop · 27/08/2020 11:50

This is lovebombing and I promise you it will change, and not for the better. You've seen flashes of the real person, take them seriously and be glad you saw them early on. I would be backing away from this man and blocking him everywhere. I speak from experience, unfortunately.

TimelyManor · 27/08/2020 11:56

I haven't read your whole post because there were enough red flags in the bits I did read. Listen to your instinct.

Gilda152 · 27/08/2020 11:58

Nobody's perfect and nothing to me is a red flag, apart from shouting at the animal. That's a hard no.

Toilenstripes · 27/08/2020 12:00

I didn’t read past shouting at the dog. Get rid of him of the boyfriend.

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