Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red flags or me being horribly critical?

72 replies

MagnetBars · 27/08/2020 10:36

Ive had good relationships in the past but after an awful one last year with heaps of emotional abuse, I’m on edge all the time with new people!

Started dating someone who cannot do enough for me. We get on well and have a laugh. But he’s always in contact... what every girl wants really isn’t it so maybe I am being harsh. But it’s all the time and I have said it’s ok not to text me so much, can we dial it back and he does, but then it starts again. I’m a big texter too so this isn’t a huge issue but it makes things feel full on quite early. Sometimes I don’t reply and he will say he is worried about me. Not asking for advice on how to deal with this as I know how to but just listing it as it might be relevant to the other things.

If I can’t make a date he will be upset for a minute and then say it’s ok. He’s never angry but it’s clear he isn’t happy about it and I’ve hurt him. I think he wants me to be as keen as he is and I’m just not at that point yet but I do like him.

I still had tinder installed on my phone after 3 months...I didn’t even think to delete it. One time he came back from the toilets in a restaurant and I was on my phone while he was gone, and he saw as he walked back to the table. He then went cold on me and later said he knew I was texting other people and why did I have tinder on my phone still. Fair point I guess but there was nothing in it I just hadn’t deleted it.

One time we drove to an event and I was giving directions from my phone. He took a wrong turn or I had misjudged which exit the map was saying to turn and he suddenly shouted and got cross. I also heard him shouting at his brothers dog really angrily when the dog was staying at his house.

He’s made the odd comment about where I live compared with where he lives (he lives in a nicer area), which I thought quite rude.

But aside from this he is totally there for me all the time and we have loads in common, he’s good fun and will do anything to make me happy, if i mention somewhere I would like to go or w film I would like to see he will do what he can to organise it and always makes time for me outside his very busy job. He would juggle it to make the relationship work and that says a great deal about him, he really does want to put the time in.

That list should be read alongside the fact he’s hardworking and caring and doesn’t go off drinking or ignore my calls or be emotionally abusive. My feeling is I just don’t feel the same way yet about him and if I did then things would settle down? It’s only been 3 months though and I just want more time to take it slower, which I’ve said but then he says ‘it isn’t going anywhere if you don’t want to go on holiday after 3 months with someone..’ and I know it’s just because he likes me so much which is lovely but then is this how someone behaves when they love you or is this just a sudden lust and neediness from him? I’m so confused!

OP posts:
star8 · 27/08/2020 12:01

I see red flags. The getting silent or annoyed when not getting his way i.e dates is a bit much. Too early for him to be sooo invested and emotionally up and down. Thats jus my opinion.

billy1966 · 27/08/2020 12:04

He shouted at you about a map.

Gone.

Lots of of red flags.

seensome · 27/08/2020 12:16

Your're just not as into him, I don't think it will grow but you you will resent him more than you do already.

Satsuma2 · 27/08/2020 12:17

Run and run fast. Shouting at an animal, map incident, starting to look like a jamboree with all the flags.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/08/2020 12:18

There are more red flags about this man than are present at a Communist Party Committee meeting. He is a version of the Loser that Dr Joe Carver writes about:-

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

You need to end this "relationship" asap and you've sadly jumped from one abuser to another. This scenario often happens too.

I would urge you to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and also consider counselling re your own boundaries; these need revising upwards and urgently before you at all start dating again. You're very vulnerable currently to approaches from abusers.

Regularsizedrudy · 27/08/2020 12:19

Nope. Too many red flags for me. Trust your gut.

Ludo19 · 27/08/2020 12:24

Leave him. The shouting angrily at the dog should tell you enough. Anyone who emotionally or physically abuses an animal doesn't think twice about moving that sort of behaviour onto weaker parts in the society.

Billben · 27/08/2020 12:34

or be emotionally abusive

With so many red flags, I don’t think this is far off from happening.

And anybody shouting angrily at an animal would raise huge red flags with me.

12309845653ghydrvj · 27/08/2020 12:35

There are definitely some potential red flags, but hard to tell off what you’ve said. However, you’re clearly not well matched and it sounds like a potentially unhealthy dynamic is emerging.
Firstly: are you definitely in a place of wanting to date, or would you be better off taking some time out?
Secondly: you’ve been dating 3 months and haven’t started at looking at exchludivitt, deleting from acting apps, etc. Clearly he’s upset about this and wants to go at a difenrt pace—a lot of people would. You’re not worng, but neither is he and realistically you seem mismatched more generally too. I think it’s a bit unfair to say he’s necessarily “lovebombing” when you don’t know what he’s like a year in—this might be what he’s like long term! But regardless it’s not for you, and that’s fine.
It really sounds to me like you could do with being single for a bit, and only liking to date guys you genuinely want to. Your apathy for him is pretty evident, and the good parts of your relationship are on paprr.
His neediness will only get worse, you’re not on the same page.

12309845653ghydrvj · 27/08/2020 12:35

Also it does sound like there’s some potential anger there in him.

OrlandointheWilderness · 27/08/2020 12:41

You certainly don't sound well matched. Tbh I don't think you've given us enough details- ie exactly how often are we talking with texting? If it is ever hour then yes massively over the top, however a couple of times a day is normal in a new relationship.
Why did he shout at the dog? Again, I'm sorry if this makes me awful, but I've shouted at mine before! Certainly not all the time and never with a loss of temper but I think it is unfair to say that it is a red flag.
Also the tinder thing. I'm sorry but if I was out with a new bf of three months and came back from the loo to find him on tinder I'd end it there and then. It is incredibly rude.

Serendipity79 · 27/08/2020 12:52

You don't even need a reason to call this off, you can do it simply because you aren't into him like he is to you.

There are a few red flags in there for me, the biggest one being the dog. A lot of people wont know that on a DV assessment one of the questions the police ask is whether the perpetrator has even harmed the family pet. Because cruelty to animals is apparently a sign of an abuser.

category12 · 27/08/2020 12:52

She didn't say she was using Tinder, she was using her phone while he was in the loo, and hadn't removed the app. He accused her of using the app and texting other people.

LaurieFairyCake · 27/08/2020 12:53

Anyone who shouts angrily at a dog needs kicked, metaphorically and fucking literally, to the kerb.

I hate animal abuse.

SistemaAddict · 27/08/2020 12:59

Possessive, anger issues, horrible to animals. Run. So many red flags and I didn't read all of it either.

MitziK · 27/08/2020 13:03

On the dog thing alone, run.

scoobydoo1971 · 27/08/2020 13:06

As others have mentioned, there are plenty of red flays. You are dating a co-dependent type with control issues, and a potentially bad temper. However, that is a side issue to the main event...you are bored silly with this man, and he does not set your heart or mind on fire...why settle for that? Especially as he has a lot of other negative points about his personality that you have already identified.

madcatladyforever · 27/08/2020 13:11

Any one who isn't kind to animals all of the time would get the boot from me straight away.

madcatladyforever · 27/08/2020 13:13

One of my "tests" is introducing a new man to my cat who hates men. If they upset her they are gone.

Sakurami · 27/08/2020 13:15

Controlling, jealous and aggressive ....massive red flags

Original poster
MagnetBars · 27/08/2020 13:32

Just to be clear I wasn’t on tinder on the date! I was just on my phone. He then noticed the tinder app which I hadn’t deleted. I should have deleted it I just hadn’t thought about it. I don’t get notifications unless I go on it.

He can be lovely, he’s kind and thoughtful and he really does just want a relationship with me. That’s the bottom line. It’s just hard when he seems to have these set ideas about when we should be booking a trip an when we need to meet etc. It’s pushing me away when I think I would be quite happy with him otherwise!

OP posts:
PopPopPopPopPop · 27/08/2020 13:34

"The Loser" is a very good thing to read, OP. My only concern about the paper is that using the name "Loser" doesn't go any way near describing how the relationship with such a person will destroy you. It just makes him sound a bit sad but let me assure you that's not the case. I urge you to read it OP: www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

PopPopPopPopPop · 27/08/2020 13:35

"set ideas" are the first signs of him attempting to control you. It will escalate.

category12 · 27/08/2020 13:40

and he really does just want a relationship with me.

This bit really pops out at me. You know you don't have to have a relationship just because he wants it a lot, right? Just because a man is interested doesn't mean you owe him in return.

An abusive man also wants relationships (in order to get what he wants out of it), and pushes and chases and emotionally manipulates his quarry. Him seemingly in desperate love with you doesn't mean he wants the best for you.

Bunnymumy · 27/08/2020 14:04

Umm no op the bottom line is that he wants to control,manipulate and abuse you. He has showed you this clearly through his actions already.

Relationships with abusers are not relationships, they are victims being manipulated by predators.
They don't want to be with you, they want to consume you.

I am worried that based on your response, you are taking the replies on board.

Telling someone that they are wrong not to feel close enough to them 3 months into dating to want to go on holiday with them - is extremely manipulative. He is essentially bulldozing your boundaries. Telling you how you have to feel and implying you are defective if you dont. It's so blatant op and so incidious.

And your gut is screaming at you that this isnt right. Listen to it. He is a creep.